I still don't understand

[aliveagain]

If you have kids & love them, then I don't understand you saying that she chose other man bc she had the baby. As a father, I would think you would understand that by having the baby she "chose" her child. Women get pregnant under bad circumstances sometimes, doesn't mean bc you love your child, you have to love their father.

 

She didn't give him a choice, the relationship is devastated, not many men would allow their wife to have another man's child. She by doing so has not taken her husbands needs into the same consideration. Yes this is her child and she should be happy to raise him as any mother should but doing so without the approval of her husband is grievous to their relationship. I am sure that she and her child will have a great life together. She should do the same thing my ex did and take other man to Court for child support. When you marry a woman with children you marry the whole package and you do it with love. When you marry a single woman you expect the right to the paternity of fathering your own children with her and not the children of other men.

[Whoknew30]

She didn't give him a choice, the relationship is devastated, not many men would allow their wife to have another man's child. She by doing so has not taken her husbands needs into the same consideration. Yes this is her child and she should be happy to raise him as any mother should but doing so without the approval of her husband is grievous to their relationship. I am sure that she and her child will have a great life together. She should do the same thing my ex did and take other man to Court for child support. When you marry a woman with children you marry the whole package and you do it with love. When you marry a single woman you expect the right to the paternity of fathering your own children with her and not the children of other men.

 

I didn't say the situation was right but no matter what, once a woman is pregnant, only she gets to choose wether or not she will have HER baby. If a man can't forgive it, that's fine but some do & are fine with it. To each is own.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is probably a discussion for another thread....but i think women have an easier time of embracing"a love child"....than men do. and i understand why.

 

There is no right or wrong answer to this situation.....you cannot force someone to love a child or care for a child or take responsibility for a child that is not theirs. and there is nothing wrong with not wanting the child. Feelings are feelings....

 

If i were to find out....that my husband had a love child...I would accept that child...I could raise it as my own.

 

However...if i had a love child....I believe no matter how much my husband loves me....he would not want the child.... Which would result in a divorce. I would not blame him....I would totally understand...and he would certainly be entitled to make that choice.

[Whoknew30]

This is probably a discussion for another thread....but i think women have an easier time of embracing"a love child"....than men do. and i understand why.

 

There is no right or wrong answer to this situation.....you cannot force someone to love a child or care for a child or take responsibility for a child that is not theirs. and there is nothing wrong with not wanting the child. Feelings are feelings....

 

If i were to find out....that my husband had a love child...I would accept that child...I could raise it as my own.

 

However...if i had a love child....I believe no matter how much my husband loves me....he would not want the child.... Which would result in a divorce. I would not blame him....I would totally understand...and he would certainly be entitled to make that choice.

 

Absolutely! Though I don't think a man in any situation has the right to tell or ask a woman to abort, even if it is her husband.

[JohnAdams]

Absolutely! Though I don't think a man in any situation has the right to tell or ask a woman to abort, even if it is her husband.

 

This is true. I think women, and I know Mrs. JA, is more loving and accepting than me. Had Mrs. JA got pregnant due to her affair we would have divorced. What she did with the child would have been her decision as the child would be hers and not mine. We all have a line, this is way over mine.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree....he cannot make the choice to abort for her...but he can make his feelings known.....and she has to accept the consequences of her behavior....She may have to decide child over husband...or husband over child....but her husband has every right to express his opinion. No decision in this scenario is easy.....but it is truly up to the individuals involved.

 

I am talking about infidelity here not rape.....that's a whole additional can of worms.

[aliveagain]

This is true. I think women, and I know Mrs. JA, is more loving and accepting than me. Had Mrs. JA got pregnant due to her affair we would have divorced. What she did with the child would have been her decision as the child would be hers and not mine. We all have a line, this is way over mine.

 

We think the same way. My ex did have O/M's child and I did terminate my relationship with both of them. I say both of them because she lied to me about the paternity of our child and I raised him for the first year of his life believing he was mine. Loosing the child hurt me more then loosing her cheating a$$, the child is innocent. I will never raise another man's child birthed by my wife, way over my line as is infidelity. I never chose to cheat, others do, we all have different lines.

[Mrs. John Adams]

and you did the right thing for you and no one has a right to say you didn't.

 

We cannot live our lives based on popular opinion...we live our lives to the best of our ability....learning from life lessons along the way.

 

I am so very sorry you had to endure this....no one wins in this scenario.....i hope you have all achieved some happiness post the trauma.

[World's.Edge]

Ok sorry for not replying in a while, I've been preparing for a very lonely Christmas. Ok so first, saying it depends on the situation I guess that's true. I still have a hard time believing they can love a their spouse but then who knows.

 

Second people telling me to just drop all contact with her and tell her let the baby dad take care of them. Ill do it eventually, it's just hard for me to cut people off who has been in my life for so long. And I'm sure it would be easier if she was crazy or a terrible person, but she does everything right a remorseful spouse can do. so I was hoping we would just fade apart with time. But I won't be saying that line or anything around that, even if she did **** everything up and hurt me I'm not about to waste my time keep throwing her mistakes in her face. That would make me a hypocrite as I told her I forgave her.

 

But I don't see how people jump to the assumption that I'm trying to still be with her and be the baby father. I just said I call them to check up on them and make sure they don't need anything , does it sound like I want her back that badly or something?

 

Hey, remember when you were all like,"The baby's not mine but I'm going to raise the child" or some dumb s*** and everyone was like,"Dude, that's a dumb idea" and you were like,"Naw" and then later you were like,"That was a dumb idea. What was I thinking?"

 

That's pretty much the same thing now with you still contacting your ex, you know, the one that had an extended affair, became pregnant by her lover then tried to have you raise their child as your own and would have succeeded were it not for the fact that you began to pay attention..

[turnera]

Itwasntme, the reason people think you're going to take her back is that we've seen it over and over, that if you keep an emotional connection, 'checking up on her,' then you still subconsciously want her back and in the back of your mind, you're looking for a way to justify taking her back. We see it all the time. And that's fine, it's your life. You need to do what works for you. If you DO take her back, though, please come back here and say so, so we can give you guidelines on how to do it the right way.

[Itwasntme]

Itwasntme, the reason people think you're going to take her back is that we've seen it over and over, that if you keep an emotional connection, 'checking up on her,' then you still subconsciously want her back and in the back of your mind, you're looking for a way to justify taking her back. We see it all the time. And that's fine, it's your life. You need to do what works for you. If you DO take her back, though, please come back here and say so, so we can give you guidelines on how to do it the right way.

 

I was really wondering why people just kept going back to the idea that I was taking her back. So thank you very much for explaining that to me. And trust me, I'm not planning on taking her back, I just won't do it. I'm now at a place in my life where I'm cool just being single. I know you probably seen it hundreds of times where a person says they won't take the WS back but does, but this is a different situation. I keep in touch with her to make sure she's alright, and that's all.

[turnera]

For how long?

[Itwasntme]

For how long?

 

How long what? How long we've been in contact or how long I plan to be?

[sandylee1]

If you have kids & love them, then I don't understand you saying that she chose other man bc she had the baby. As a father, I would think you would understand that by having the baby she "chose" her child. Women get pregnant under bad circumstances sometimes, doesn't mean bc you love your child, you have to love their father.

 

If she wanted to save the marriage she would have aborted the child when she was unsure of the paternity.. not try and pin the kid on the OM. She chose a foetus.. but hoped it would never come to light.. that's the worse thing a woman can do to a man .. deceive him that a kid is his.

 

 

OP - by checking if she needs anything you are still trying to be the KISS (knight in shining armour) ... she can get whatever she needs or her parents can help. It's not your problem... did you finish reading no more Mr. Nice guy?

 

She's your ex... you have no kids together..that means no reason to stay in contact with her.

 

You may not have said it... but I wouldn't be suprised if you get back with her. You want to believe she loves you.. you know what? Even if she did or does.. is that the love you want? A wife should have your back.. not stab you in the back.

[Brandyundercover45]

Alright, so some of you may or may not remember. I posted back in August after finding out that my Wife at the time who was seven months pregnant had not only cheated but the child wasn't mine. I know a update is probably long over due, but for a quick catch up. She had the baby it's nice and healthy, Our divorce have been finalized, and I've stayed in minimum contact with her limiting it only to phones calls just to check up on her and the kid. Yeah save your comments on that part for a full update on a different post.

 

What I want to know and this has probably been asked a billion times on here but I just can't seem to grasp or understand this line of thought is. Now my ex has proclaimed that she really only loved or loves me and no one else, and doesn't plan to marry again since she only wants it to be with me. Now let's say I entertain this lie and took it as the god honest truth(but the whole idea is crazy). If that was the truth then why Cheat? Cheating in a loveless marriage I can understand, not saying it's right but I can see it happening. Hell! falling in love with a another man I can see but if you truly only love your spouse then how can you cheat.

 

Is Sex so important that you would put it over your spouse and have an affair which you know will hurt them. Or is it just a illusion that you love your spouse but in honesty you don't love anyone but your self. Now I'm not attacking WS here, this is some I actually want to tell to my Ex but don't want to be on the phone that long and start a argument. I just want to know why? This is somethings that I've been thinking about constantly because if you love someone you would should avoid hurting them, hell you wouldn't want other people hurting them so why do it?

You've probably gotten a million responses to this, and no, I haven't gone through and read all the comments, but I will. I want to say for me, I think it's possible to love more than one person at a time, and that includes, but is not limited, to yourself. I have five children, I love them all. I have a husband, brothers, uncles, cousins... I love them all. The human heart is capable of loving a whole host of people... so why not more than one lover? Now the issue doesn't come into play until you ACT on those feelings. I'm always fond of saying "just because you love some one doesn't mean you are meant to be together". And I think you can fall in love with the wrong person, a person who's not good for you, but you love them anyway. Separating "love" is (or should be) common sense, decency, loyalty, trust, respect and commitment... funny things for a wayward to say, right? But loving someone is simply not always enough. Your ex may love you, genuinely love you, but for whatever reason - and you mention sex here, so I'll assume sex in your marriage bed was not good for her (sorry) - that love wasn't enough to cover all the bases. I love my husband, but he lacks the emotional and affectionate connection I need. The sex is starting to suffer because I can no longer pretend it's okay to make love to a man who can't give me the affection I need outside of the bed. For women it's more what happens during the day that translates into what happens in the bed at night. Men can get turned on by a carrot, women need a little more emotional connection. It's just like a flower pot... if you don't water it, the flower will shrivel up, close up and die. Period. But if you water it, shower it with what it needs, it flourishes. I can't invent any more ways to say this to my husband so I get what I need from OM. Do I love my husband, YES, I love him. And I know he loves me. But he can't (I used think he just wouldn''t) give me what I need in that area. Not saying this is where your ex was when she cheated, but here's the thing... she could have honestly now realized what she lost and wants it back. BUT if nothing has changed and the reasons she cheated are still there, I doubt there's anything to go back for except more disappointment and pain for you both. Good luck, truly. Sometimes when a person leaves us, it's the best thing they could have done for us.

[sandylee1]

How long what? How long we've been in contact or how long I plan to be?

 

Yes.... how long do you plan to be in contact with her?

 

So if she's short of cash you'll send some?

What are you not willing to do for her?

 

Why are you in contact with a woman who was happy to play you for a fool.. have threesomes behind your back and have you be a cuckold father.

 

I just don't get why you stay in touch with someone who treated you with such disrespect. Who put you at risk of Std's. Who would have said nothing about the paternity if you didn't see the email exchange between her and the OM. She lied up till the time of the prenatal DNA test.

Honestly.. you seem like a gluten for punishment. If nothing else you are giving her false hope.

If the man I cheated on (and got pregnant with another man's kid) still called to check on my welfare and the baby too.... I'd think he still loved me and that if I played my cards right.. I could get him back.

 

It shows you haven't moved on...if another woman was on your mind..you wouldn't have time for her..and she'll be thinking this too.. "he hasn't got anyone else, he still wants me" stop giving her that hope.

 

If she doesn't think you still love her. .. she's likely to think your a bit pathetic. I don't mean to be harsh or hurt you honestly ... I'm just trying to give you another perspective.

 

If you had a kid together and she did this. I'd be thinking too bad you can't severe ties because of the child you share... but this.. no part of can wrap my head around it.

[Brandyundercover45]

Ok 1. I wasn't asking because I'm second guessing my choice of leaving her. I asked because this is something that has bothered me for the longest.

 

2. As of late she hasn't brought that up or getting back together. I just call her when I'm free and check up on the two to see if they're alright and don't need anything.

 

3. I don't have any plans of getting back with her. Right now I'm content by myself and I even went out to get a puppy.

 

4. About the other man idk. She said she cut off all contact with him but who Really knows I can only go off what she tells me.

If you haven't already... and I'm still reading through the posts, STOP contacting her at all. It's unfair to yourself. She cheated on you and you're being a doormat for her and checking on her and her child because you love her and are a good person.... those, sadly, are the same reasons she was able to walk all over you in the first place. You are being TOO NICE! Just stop. Unless you want her back, and if you do that's fine. No one but you can make that decision, but if you DO NOT, then cut all ties. There's nothing to discuss here man. How's she doing? She cheated. How's the child, fatherless. What else is there to know from a guy who isn't interested in getting back together. She cheated, she had another man's baby while married to you, she now sees you are willing to entertain her and thinks that maybe she has a chance to get back in. So either go ahead and go back to her (no judgement) or go ahead and move on with your life. This in between is not healthy for you and as others have said, IF the right woman comes along, she will not understand your relationship with your ex and a child she had on the side.

[turnera]

How long do you plan to check up on a woman you have no future relationship with?

[Brandyundercover45]

Ok sorry for not replying in a while, I've been preparing for a very lonely Christmas. Ok so first, saying it depends on the situation I guess that's true. I still have a hard time believing they can love a their spouse but then who knows.

 

Second people telling me to just drop all contact with her and tell her let the baby dad take care of them. Ill do it eventually, it's just hard for me to cut people off who has been in my life for so long. And I'm sure it would be easier if she was crazy or a terrible person, but she does everything right a remorseful spouse can do. so I was hoping we would just fade apart with time. But I won't be saying that line or anything around that, even if she did **** everything up and hurt me I'm not about to waste my time keep throwing her mistakes in her face. That would make me a hypocrite as I told her I forgave her.

 

But I don't see how people jump to the assumption that I'm trying to still be with her and be the baby father. I just said I call them to check up on them and make sure they don't need anything , does it sound like I want her back that badly or something?

If this is your stance, and it's one of defense... your emotions clearly belying your words, then why post the question? I know it's hard to hear what you DON'T want to hear. We aren't "assuming" anything, it's obvious what you want to do. You're just looking for someone to agree with what you want to do. So I'll be that person. You have my permission and acceptance to take your ex back. She's sorry she cheated. She's sorry she got pregnant by someone else. She wishes she could undo everything and that child could be yours and you'll all be a family. She wishes this truly. I wish that for you. Now just ask yourself if it's okay to love her and be with her. Give yourself the permission to take her back and never-mind what anyone else thinks. Good luck.

[road]

How long do you plan to check up on a woman you have no future relationship with?

 

 

The problem with the OP is that he does not have the confidence that he can get another woman just as hot and good in bed as his WW was willing to be in a relationship with him.

[Brandyundercover45]

"...His choice is raise another man's child as his if he still wants her cheating a$$ in his life or remove them both from his life. The longer she is in his life the longer it will take him to heal and the longer it will be before he meets the woman that he should be with."

 

Now I get to play devil's advocate here, because who says she's not the woman that he should be with? You? If he has forgiven her and takes her back, then that's his choice. "Sometimes" people make mistakes and like this woman, have to deal with the outcome of those mistakes for the rest of their lives. But even if she did cheat on him, have an outside baby, she could still be who he "should" be with. Just saying.

[Brandyundercover45]

We think the same way. My ex did have O/M's child and I did terminate my relationship with both of them. I say both of them because she lied to me about the paternity of our child and I raised him for the first year of his life believing he was mine. Loosing the child hurt me more then loosing her cheating a$$, the child is innocent. I will never raise another man's child birthed by my wife, way over my line as is infidelity. I never chose to cheat, others do, we all have different lines.

I'm sorry but this speaks more about you than it does about her. I don't want to pour more pain on you, but you raised the child for a YEAR. For all intents and purposes that's your child! How do you go from loving and raising a child for a year, to turning your back on him/her. Yes, I know it hurt, I know you were severely betrayed, but you'd hardly be the first or the last. The ability to love a child, regardless of it's paternity, is something that every person should never struggle with. I'm not saying you had to stay with your wife, but the child is innocent of wrong doing.

[Brandyundercover45]

If she wanted to save the marriage she would have aborted the child when she was unsure of the paternity.. not try and pin the kid on the OM. She chose a foetus.. but hoped it would never come to light.. that's the worse thing a woman can do to a man .. deceive him that a kid is his.

 

 

OP - by checking if she needs anything you are still trying to be the KISS (knight in shining armour) ... she can get whatever she needs or her parents can help. It's not your problem... did you finish reading no more Mr. Nice guy?

 

She's your ex... you have no kids together..that means no reason to stay in contact with her.

 

You may not have said it... but I wouldn't be suprised if you get back with her. You want to believe she loves you.. you know what? Even if she did or does.. is that the love you want? A wife should have your back.. not stab you in the back.

Oh sure, kill an innocent child to cover the fact that you can't keep your legs closed! Do you really want to be advocating that? Wow.

[dichotomy]

Just a point of distinction here since its been discussed - child not yours.

 

Raising an other mans child vs raising THE other mans child.

 

I raised a child from my wife's previous marriage (step dad). A tough thing to do, but I was fine with it. Some women (step moms) have a tough time raising another woman's child not theirs as well.

 

But if the child were conceived as part of adultery (OM's child).... that I could not do.I also wonder in the extreme example would a BW who stayed with a WH after his affair produced a child - participate as a step mom in raising the child of her husbands OW.

Edited December 29, 2015 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

I keep in touch with her to make sure she's alright, and that's all.[/quotep]

 

 

So what are you going to do if she's NOT alright?? How much time, energy and money and resources are you going to provide her if she needs something?

 

 

 

This is why people are getting on you. It's because when you 'check up' on someone and check to see if they are alright, that presumes that you will provide them with assistance and support if they are not alright and need something.

 

 

I think you are getting a little hooked up on what the phrase, "getting back together" means to you.

 

 

OK so maybe you won't, "get back together" in the traditional sense of you having a serious, exclusive, marriage-minded relationship with her.

 

 

But the fact you keep in touch with her to make sure she's alright means that you are still providing her with assurance, caring, nurturing etc and we also have to assume that if it turns out she is NOT alright, then you will also be proving her with support and resources and your personal time, energy, money etc etc.

 

 

At that point, "getting back together" is just a play on words.

 

 

If fact that makes you even more beta and pathetic because if you were to provide her with assistance and support while you were back together, then at least you'd be back together and she would hopefully be providing you will something in return. But if you aren't together and you are checking up with her and proving her with resources and you are getting nothing back in return, then that is just weak and dumb.

 

 

Stop being weak and dumb. Let her take care of her herself and her own offspring and you go on about your own life and take care of yourself.