I still don't understand

[bigman1]

 

I'm more so asking can you really be in love with a person yet do something like that to hurt them? Can you even say you love them at that point? Do WS who say they still loved their BS despite cheating, are they telling the truth or is that just something they say to comfort theirselves while cheating? That would be like me saying I love my mama but yet I steal from her any chance I get knowing she really needs the money. Isn't that just me lying to myself?

 

Like you can't possibly be cheating and still be soooo deep in love with your BS can you? I just can't see it being possible. And after the affair I do believe some WS do honestly fall head over heels for their BS but isn't that because like that old saying goes you don't know what you have til it's gone. Then in that case is it truly love that it takes someone to the most extreme to realize what they have? To me love is something that doesn't need a reason.

 

Actually let me stop right here because I'm getting more mad and about to ranting about love and saying only my opinion. Idk if I'm making any sense right now so sorry. But to sum it up I guess I'm asking can you be in love with your BS While cheating

 

 

The simple answer is Yes, depending on how you define love. No WS suddenly falls in love with their BS because they realize what they are going to lose. not wanting to lose someone is NOT synonymous with love. Realizing that someone is really a catch is NOT love.

 

If you define love as simply emotion, then you have not identified love. That loving feeling is chemicals and endorphin. A WS who suddenly feels that feeling is just feeling emotions and chemicals surging through the body.

 

Love has many definitions. Agape, Eros, Philia and Storge. You can look those up. Can you love your brother and want to punch their lights out? Sure. Can you love your friend and not want to be around them? Yes. Did you love your parents and yet sneak around, lie and disobey them as a teen? Pretty much what being a teen is about. So can you love your spouse and still betray them? Yes. Then there is love as action. That is a whole different thing than emotion.

 

On the other hand, you have selfish "love". They love they concept of you. They love how you make them feel. Essentially, they "love" you to the extent that it benefits them. They don't understand real love, but this is love to them. It is real, intense, and consuming. Still, it is imperfect. They can feel this for you and cheat on you.

 

In short, love is not an antidote to cheating on someone, lying to someone, abusing someone, or otherwise acting inconsistent with the self professed love. That is my answer to the question.

[nightmare01]

I guess I'm asking can you be in love with your BS While cheating?

 

I don't think this depends on how you define love.. it's more about how a person is capable of loving. Some people are just not able to experience love beyond a sense of affection. They lack the ability to couple honor and respect and commitment to the emotion of love.

 

But suppose for a moment that your WS could not go beyond a feeling of affection, and was not able to hold honor, respect, and commitment for you. If that was the extent of "love" for them, is that a love that you want?

[No Limit]

A more interesting question would be; would a guy ever marry a woman who had an affair child in her 1st marriage? But I guess that's stuff for a different thread. But it's definitely a big point why your ex will be single for a while, nobody wants to deal with the likes of someone capable of doing such a thing.

 

By the way, why are you still in touch with her? You're increasing the time to get over her if you break NC.

[gettingstronger]

What I have learned from this journey is you can not define love for someone else BUT you can define how you want to be loved-

 

My husband swears he has always loved me, that his love for me never waivered- we talked forever about it and every time I would get madder and madder so we had to agree to disagree and instead decided from this point forward what it meant to love me- what it takes to love me in the way I want and deserve to be loved- we seldom talk about the "I always loved you" thing- he brings it up once in a while, I suspect to see if I have soften on my stance and its always met with a firm " I don't want to hear that crap from you- you did not love me in the way I deserved to be loved so it really doesn't matter"-

 

Moving forward is difficult- we are doing well, but I am forever changed and he lives with knowing it was due to his actions-

[Itwasntme]

Ok 1. I wasn't asking because I'm second guessing my choice of leaving her. I asked because this is something that has bothered me for the longest.

 

2. As of late she hasn't brought that up or getting back together. I just call her when I'm free and check up on the two to see if they're alright and don't need anything.

 

3. I don't have any plans of getting back with her. Right now I'm content by myself and I even went out to get a puppy.

 

4. About the other man idk. She said she cut off all contact with him but who Really knows I can only go off what she tells me.

[turnera]

I'm more so asking can you really be in love with a person yet do something like that to hurt them? Can you even say you love them at that point?

You know why Romeo and Juliet is the ageless love story? Because they PROVED their love by loving SO strongly that they simply couldn't breathe another breath without the other person. They'd rather die.

 

Compared to them...well, what IS love? You know, in 'the real world?' My thought is that love is a feeling you have for another person...BUT...you are still putting yourself first. In the real world, you still have to be your own self's #1 fan because there simply is no other person who will do that for you.

 

So when we go through our everyday lives, loving someone but still making sure we are taking care of OURSELF, well, those pesky little things like Emotional Needs get in the way...not to mention our weak minds (which are easy to mold, adapt, and corrupt)...and people find it much too easy to cheat, even if they DO love that person they married.

 

Especially nowadays, when we spend SO little of our lives taking care of basic needs - we have cars and machines and washers and stoves...we humans are finding ourselves with SO much time on our hands because we aren't kicking our butts every day just to survive like even 200 years ago. And when the mind is free to wander...we start thinking even MORE selfishly.

 

That's my take, anyway.

[SweetiePi]

I don't think there is a perfect answer for these questions. Each person and situation is different. Each person defines love differently.

 

 

People who love each other hurt each other at times. We are flawed. I think some WS do love their spouse, but they have bad coping skills, are broken inside, something is missing inside. Some WW have daddy issues that stem deep from rejection early on. They sometimes seek their whole life for a man that can fill that void. Sometimes they don't realize they are even doing this. They seek out someone who validates them; who reminds them either physically or personality wise of their dad. It really is messed up.

 

 

I think the initial attraction people have is chemical and sometimes lust to bond quickly. Over time I believe love is action that bonds people solid. Love is patient, kind, self controlled. It is sacrificing and meeting the needs of your partner. It is in this act of giving and serving that you grow into a deep love. It is the same love for people that grows inside them through say volunteer work and serving those people that need. In serving, you grow love inside and become an excellent person.

 

Regardless whether your W loved you or not (you might never know), only you can decide how to proceed. Personally, if infidelity resulted in a pregnancy, I would walk. I could handle a ONS, but not an A that involved bringing in a child to this world that I not my own.

 

 

I'm more so asking can you really be in love with a person yet do something like that to hurt them? Can you even say you love them at that point? Do WS who say they still loved their BS despite cheating, are they telling the truth or is that just something they say to comfort theirselves while cheating? That would be like me saying I love my mama but yet I steal from her any chance I get knowing she really needs the money. Isn't that just me lying to myself?

 

Like you can't possibly be cheating and still be soooo deep in love with your BS can you? I just can't see it being possible. And after the affair I do believe some WS do honestly fall head over heels for their BS but isn't that because like that old saying goes you don't know what you have til it's gone. Then in that case is it truly love that it takes someone to the most extreme to realize what they have? To me love is something that doesn't need a reason.

 

Actually let me stop right here because I'm getting more mad and about to ranting about love and saying only my opinion. Idk if I'm making any sense right now so sorry. But to sum it up I guess I'm asking can you be in love with your BS While cheating

Edited December 13, 2015 by SweetiePi

[SweetiePi]

You summed it up perfectly.

 

 

The simple answer is Yes, depending on how you define love. No WS suddenly falls in love with their BS because they realize what they are going to lose. not wanting to lose someone is NOT synonymous with love. Realizing that someone is really a catch is NOT love.

 

If you define love as simply emotion, then you have not identified love. That loving feeling is chemicals and endorphin. A WS who suddenly feels that feeling is just feeling emotions and chemicals surging through the body.

 

Love has many definitions. Agape, Eros, Philia and Storge. You can look those up. Can you love your brother and want to punch their lights out? Sure. Can you love your friend and not want to be around them? Yes. Did you love your parents and yet sneak around, lie and disobey them as a teen? Pretty much what being a teen is about. So can you love your spouse and still betray them? Yes. Then there is love as action. That is a whole different thing than emotion.

 

On the other hand, you have selfish "love". They love they concept of you. They love how you make them feel. Essentially, they "love" you to the extent that it benefits them. They don't understand real love, but this is love to them. It is real, intense, and consuming. Still, it is imperfect. They can feel this for you and cheat on you.

 

In short, love is not an antidote to cheating on someone, lying to someone, abusing someone, or otherwise acting inconsistent with the self professed love. That is my answer to the question.

[aliveagain]

Friend, take it from someone who had to endure an affair child, you do not want O/M hanging around for the rest of your life. He has rights as the paternal father. She made the choice to have his child, doing so she chose him over you. What did she expect would happen by keeping another man's child as your wife? That doesn't say I love you, only you, that says I don't give a sh*t about your pain because I'm keeping his kid and you weren't suppose to find out and raised him as yours because your supposed to believe all the lies I've told you.

[Cephalopod]

I think you need to stop contacting her and move on with your life. You will get no closure continuing to call up and check on her. She is no longer your responsibility. Let the OM support her and his child. Move on.

[No Limit]

I just call her when I'm free and check up on the two to see if they're alright and don't need anything.

 

And by doing so you are wasting precious time, they're not your responsibility. Stop caring about their needs, your ex in-laws will take care of it. If she's smart she's already been to court for child support.

Invest more of your energy in your dog - he or she will make up for it unconditionally when treated well. Just a tip for a fellow dog owner

[Mr. Lucky]

 

4. About the other man idk. She said she cut off all contact with him but who Really knows I can only go off what she tells me.

 

How do you cut contact with the father of your child?

 

I'd guess you're getting an edited version of the truth ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spanz1]

 

Yes I was that horny

I think I liked the attention which I didn't realize I was missing.

I am a thrill seeker

 

.

thank you recentchange. Sometimes people overthink these things. sometimes affairs happen on the spur of the moment. kind of like buying a candy bar when you know you are on a diet. Some people can walk right by those candy bars and stay true to the diet, others, in a moment of weakness, need to gobble them down once a week. I think people, depending on their own personal morals and the degree of their horniness, can go either way.

 

 

I do not necessarily think these people do not "love" their partner. It just is not in their thoughts at the time.

Edited December 20, 2015 by spanz1

[66Charger]

The horny

The attention seeker

The thrill seeker

I love you honey, but I am cheating on you

 

A woman every man hopes he doesnt marry.

 

No thank you maam. You can keep that kind of "love"

 

Edit: vice versa for gender.

Edited December 20, 2015 by 66Charger

[bubbaganoosh]

Ok 1. I wasn't asking because I'm second guessing my choice of leaving her. I asked because this is something that has bothered me for the longest.

 

2. As of late she hasn't brought that up or getting back together. I just call her when I'm free and check up on the two to see if they're alright and don't need anything.

 

3. I don't have any plans of getting back with her. Right now I'm content by myself and I even went out to get a puppy.

 

4. About the other man idk. She said she cut off all contact with him but who Really knows I can only go off what she tells me.

 

OK. Here's the way you should look at it. She cheated. Now not only did she cheat, she had unprotected sex and got knocked up by some other guy so you tell me why your always checking up on her.

 

If anything, let the bum who got her pregnant check up on her and take care of his kid.

 

As far as her telling you that she loves only you, your reply should be, Yeah? Then whose kid is that because it sure as hell isn't mine and after that, tell her she's on her own and STOP CONTACTING HER. How are you supposed to get past this when you keep dragging yourself back in to the mess she made. It's her problem so let her dig her own ass out of the hole she dug.

[Itwasntme]

Ok sorry for not replying in a while, I've been preparing for a very lonely Christmas. Ok so first, saying it depends on the situation I guess that's true. I still have a hard time believing they can love a their spouse but then who knows.

 

Second people telling me to just drop all contact with her and tell her let the baby dad take care of them. Ill do it eventually, it's just hard for me to cut people off who has been in my life for so long. And I'm sure it would be easier if she was crazy or a terrible person, but she does everything right a remorseful spouse can do. so I was hoping we would just fade apart with time. But I won't be saying that line or anything around that, even if she did **** everything up and hurt me I'm not about to waste my time keep throwing her mistakes in her face. That would make me a hypocrite as I told her I forgave her.

 

But I don't see how people jump to the assumption that I'm trying to still be with her and be the baby father. I just said I call them to check up on them and make sure they don't need anything , does it sound like I want her back that badly or something?

[Marc878]

It's your life so you can do as you please.

 

She made her life what it is.

 

Why do you not start making your life? Staying in touch just keeps you from moving on.

 

I wouldn't waste any time on this.

[Bufo]

Yes. To her it sounds like you want her back. As that's about as close to it as she's going to get. Calling her isn't really doing her any favors. It might let you give yourself a pat on the back or two for being bigger than her infidelity.

 

But this arrangement won't last. It's though you are both fence sitting about getting back together. She's told you directly that she'd like to try. But hasn't taken further action as she thinks the ball is in your court. You haven't rejected her overture specifically enough for her to understand you. Repeated, even if infrequent, contact tells her (accurately) that you're thinking about her which translates into "maybe he'll take me back".

 

You didn't tell us whether OM is in the picture financially or visitation wise. Is he even officially the father? I hope you got a lawyer to at least review whatever divorce paperwork there was. Maybe you had one all along? Unless and until he gives up rights to the child, he'll always potentially be in the picture. And therefore in your hair if you reconcile.

 

Sorry for lecturing. It's almost Christmas morning and here I sit with gall bladder acting up. So I'm cranky.

[Whoknew30]

Friend, take it from someone who had to endure an affair child, you do not want O/M hanging around for the rest of your life. He has rights as the paternal father. She made the choice to have his child, doing so she chose him over you. What did she expect would happen by keeping another man's child as your wife? That doesn't say I love you, only you, that says I don't give a sh*t about your pain because I'm keeping his kid and you weren't suppose to find out and raised him as yours because your supposed to believe all the lies I've told you.

 

Keeping the child doesn't mean she "chose" OM particularly. It means she chose her child. Remember the child is part of her, no matter the situation. Yes, she cheated & became pregnant &'definitely has to deal with the consequences but chosing to have "her" baby really had nothing to do with either man at that point...it only means she chose "her child".

 

I actually respect that, what a hard situation that must be & she still chose to have her baby. There isn't a bigger consequence than that & it means she owned up to it & is taking care of her kid.

[Whoknew30]

Ok sorry for not replying in a while, I've been preparing for a very lonely Christmas. Ok so first, saying it depends on the situation I guess that's true. I still have a hard time believing they can love a their spouse but then who knows.

 

Second people telling me to just drop all contact with her and tell her let the baby dad take care of them. Ill do it eventually, it's just hard for me to cut people off who has been in my life for so long. And I'm sure it would be easier if she was crazy or a terrible person, but she does everything right a remorseful spouse can do. so I was hoping we would just fade apart with time. But I won't be saying that line or anything around that, even if she did **** everything up and hurt me I'm not about to waste my time keep throwing her mistakes in her face. That would make me a hypocrite as I told her I forgave her.

 

But I don't see how people jump to the assumption that I'm trying to still be with her and be the baby father. I just said I call them to check up on them and make sure they don't need anything , does it sound like I want her back that badly or something?

 

 

I like your way of thinking. Some BS will be jaded for a long time & will let it permanently change them. Truly strong people go through bad times but don't carry it with them for life...you seem to be one of them. You're going to hear negative bc some BS are not going to understand or are envious that they either can't or won't forgive/or let A go. You seem to just be a good guy & that will never be a bad thing. If it makes you feel better to check on her & the baby, there isn't anything wrong with that.

 

Good luck to you

[road]

 

What I want to know so why do it?

 

This thread supports my position that seeking the answer to WHY is not worth the answer.

[aliveagain]

Keeping the child doesn't mean she "chose" OM particularly. It means she chose her child. Remember the child is part of her, no matter the situation. Yes, she cheated & became pregnant &'definitely has to deal with the consequences but chosing to have "her" baby really had nothing to do with either man at that point...it only means she chose "her child".

 

I actually respect that, what a hard situation that must be & she still chose to have her baby. There isn't a bigger consequence than that & it means she owned up to it & is taking care of her kid.

 

Then she is getting the life that comes along with being married, cheating on her husband and then having the other mans child. She gave her husband who is 50% of the relationship zero choice in anything. His choice is raise another man's child as his if he still wants her cheating a$$ in his life or remove them both from his life. The longer she is in his life the longer it will take him to heal and the longer it will be before he meets the woman that he should be with. As long as he sends out confusing signals to women that come into his life he will never meet Miss Right.

 

The best thing you can do is cut all contact, finalize your divorce if you haven't already done that and put her in your past. You have not fared very well in your relationship with her, other man and his child have taken priority over you, start believing what she is showing you and not the BS she is telling you. Her actions are the truth. Run Forrest, run.

Edited December 25, 2015 by aliveagain

[Whoknew30]

Then she is getting the life that comes along with being married, cheating on her husband and then having the other mans child. She gave her husband who is 50% of the relationship zero choice in anything. His choice is raise another man's child as his if he still wants her cheating a$$ in his life or remove them both from his life. The longer she is in his life the longer it will take him to heal and the longer it will be before he meets the woman that he should be with. As long as he sends out confusing signals to women that come into his life he will never meet Miss Right.

 

The best thing you can do is cut all contact, finalize your divorce if you haven't already done that and put her in your past. You have not fared very well in your relationship with her, other man and his child have taken priority over you, start believing what she is showing you and not the BS she is telling you. Her actions are the truth. Run Forrest, run.

 

Where did he post that his life is on hold? Also if he wants to raise the child, that would be his choice, he wouldn't be the first man to do so...yet he didn't state that's what he wanted. No she didn't give him a choice with cheating but now the choice is all his.

 

Any child takes priority over any adult, no matter the situation.

[aliveagain]

Where did he post that his life is on hold? Also if he wants to raise the child, that would be his choice, he wouldn't be the first man to do so...yet he didn't state that's what he wanted. No she didn't give him a choice with cheating but now the choice is all his.

 

Any child takes priority over any adult, no matter the situation.

 

 

I have children and am of Italian heritage, please, you don't have to explain children's rights to me. My children are my world. I didn't say his life is on hold, I suggested he not waste anymore time on people from his past but to focus on his future. His healing will start when the cause of the problem is gone.

[Whoknew30]

[/b]

 

I have children and am of Italian heritage, please, you don't have to explain children's rights to me. My children are my world. I didn't say his life is on hold, I suggested he not waste anymore time on people from his past but to focus on his future. His healing will start when the cause of the problem is gone.

 

If you have kids & love them, then I don't understand you saying that she chose other man bc she had the baby. As a father, I would think you would understand that by having the baby she "chose" her child. Women get pregnant under bad circumstances sometimes, doesn't mean bc you love your child, you have to love their father.