More OLD funnies, or why, women, why?

[Robratory]

I understand that women get so overwhelmed with responses that they start putting weird requirements in their profiles, hopping to cut the traffic down.

 

The problem, of course, is that those requirements don't make the "bad" guys back off, but they very well might scare off a "good" guy because he misinterprets them.

 

Today I saw, for example, "must be clean and sober." WTF? Doesn't that go without saying? I mean, who consciously wants to get involved with an alley junkie? And could the requirement possibly work? No! A functional alcoholic is already in denial about his alcoholism. If he replies, she won't find out until much later, virtually guaranteed.

 

On the other hand, "clean and sober" implies recovery from addiction. Should we assume the woman is a recovering addict who seeks a similarly recovering addict to join forces with? It could be, but either way, I'm not replying because:

 

• I don't want to date a recovering addict
  
• I don't want to date someone who attracts addicts
  
• I don't appreciate the assumption that I could be an addict
  

 

Another one is "financially secure." What does that mean? I'm not on food stamps. I can buy myself what I need. Is that enough? Must I own investment property? Why are you worried about my finances, anyway? It gets even funnier in my case because I'm over 50. I laugh when I see 55-year-old women looking for men who are "financially secure." Honey, if you haven't married a rich man by now, it's not gonna happen!

 

Maybe I'll start putting in my own ads, "Must not have a yeast infection!" or "Absolutely no aging prostitutes!"

[mystikmind2005]

I have to admit i do skip over those profiles with dubious requirements!

 

I think in the back of my mind i feel like this woman is expecting BS,,, it is understandable, but honestly, i just cannot be bothered dealing with that kind of attitude.

[Gaeta]

 

Today I saw, for example, "must be clean and sober." WTF? Doesn't that go without saying? I mean, who consciously wants to get involved with an alley junkie? And could the requirement possibly work? No! A functional alcoholic is already in denial about his alcoholism. If he replies, she won't find out until much later, virtually guaranteed.

 

On the other hand, "clean and sober" implies recovery from addiction. Should we assume the woman is a recovering addict who seeks a similarly recovering addict to join forces with? It could be, but either way, I'm not replying because:

 

• I don't want to date a recovering addict
  
• I don't want to date someone who attracts addicts
  
• I don't appreciate the assumption that I could be an addict
  

 

Another one is "financially secure." What does that mean? I'm not on food stamps. I can buy myself what I need. Is that enough? Must I own investment property? Why are you worried about my finances, anyway? It gets even funnier in my case because I'm over 50. I laugh when I see 55-year-old women looking for men who are "financially secure." Honey, if you haven't married a rich man by now, it's not gonna happen!

 

Maybe I'll start putting in my own ads, "Must not have a yeast infection!" or "Absolutely no aging prostitutes!"

 

I will tell you why. Because having been lied many times they are just out of patience.

 

You think those are silly? I am 50 yo and many men I met worked at minimum wages, owed their paycheck to the government for back child support, were unemployed, had 2-3 on-call jobs. I stopped counting how many times those men would ask me for money on our 2nd or 3rd date. YES even at 50 I went through these types of encounters.

 

You think asking for a man that is financially secure is asking for a rich man? Well surprise surprise!! It's not. It's about finding a man that has a full time job. Yes believe it.

 

You must be new online. Give it a few more months and you'll have your own list of 'don't want'.

[mrldii]

Personally, I like when people (in my case, read: "men") put all the things that are important to them, in their profiles.

 

While they don't necessarily mean it to, it tells me a lot about them...and their previous chooses, and allows me to "Nexxxxxxt" 'em, with little or no effort and after thought.

 

I almost wish Home Depot's Gardening Center would start offering similar self-weeding plants, yanno?

[truth_seeker]

OP there are so many con artists online, I don't blame people for posting a list of requirements. Usually the ones looking for easy prey will think not to try it with someone who might be a bit tough for them.

[losangelena]

OP, are you against the notion that a woman would want to be with a sober man who doesn't waste his money, or are you just balking at how they describe it in their profiles?

 

Because those seem like pretty basic requirements of another human being.

 

Why not just ask them what they mean?

[Samhain]

A drunk/drug addict maybe wouldn't be obvious on the first few dates, but after a few it probably would become apparent. And financially secure means she doesn't want somebody sponging off of her. Both pretty reasonable requests, to be in a male or females profile.

[thecrucible]

I see what you mean. When you see that stuff, it definitely raises an eyebrow. I've just been on my online dating site again and seen the likes of "no drama queens" in men's profiles. That puts me off a little but I'd be curious to ask more questions and understand what they mean by it if there were no other question marks in their profile.

 

If they are saying "no drug addicts" etc then that seems like a bit of a no-brainer so I would question why they mention it. I would put off by that.

 

I wouldn't jump to conclusions regarding the "financially secure" phrase in a woman's profile. I've certainly known a few women who've contributed more financially to a relationship and it has been a big drain on them. So it may mean that she wants an equal relationship, not that she is a gold-digger. I would ask her what she means.

[LilaMarie]

I have to agree with Gaeta. My only requirements listed on my OLD profile are: must be able to communicate and must want to date with a purpose. Those men that have more than two or three requirements I block, might be too picky.

[LilaMarie]

And I should add, even with those two requirements listed...I STILL can't weed out people bc some men just ignore what I'm looking for.

[SwordofFlame]

I have to admit i do skip over those profiles with dubious requirements!

 

I think in the back of my mind i feel like this woman is expecting BS,,, it is understandable, but honestly, i just cannot be bothered dealing with that kind of attitude.

 

I do the exact same thing. It kind of conveys a poor attitude.

[Samhain]

And I should add, even with those two requirements listed...I STILL can't weed out people bc some men just ignore what I'm looking for.

 

Annoying I'm sure but should be flattering all the same. They probably just think you're pretty and want to be able to try and have a chance.

[Robratory]

OP, are you against the notion that a woman would want to be with a sober man who doesn't waste his money, or are you just balking at how they describe it in their profiles?

 

Because those seem like pretty basic requirements of another human being.

 

Why not just ask them what they mean?

 

Of course I understand that no one wants to connect with an addict. But that's precisely why it should go without saying.

[Robratory]

A drunk/drug addict maybe wouldn't be obvious on the first few dates, but after a few it probably would become apparent. And financially secure means she doesn't want somebody sponging off of her. Both pretty reasonable requests, to be in a male or females profile.

 

Sure, they are reasonable requests. But ask yourself, would the kind of guy who makes a living out of serially sponging from girlfriends pay attention to the "financially secure" part? Of course not. He wouldn't care.

[Robratory]

I will tell you why. Because having been lied many times they are just out of patience.

 

You think those are silly? I am 50 yo and many men I met worked at minimum wages, owed their paycheck to the government for back child support, were unemployed, had 2-3 on-call jobs. I stopped counting how many times those men would ask me for money on our 2nd or 3rd date. YES even at 50 I went through these types of encounters.

 

You think asking for a man that is financially secure is asking for a rich man? Well surprise surprise!! It's not. It's about finding a man that has a full time job. Yes believe it.

 

You must be new online. Give it a few more months and you'll have your own list of 'don't want'.

 

Oh, I already I have my list of don't-wants. But do you think that putting down your don't-wants actually keeps the undesirables away? I don't think it does.

 

I mean, really, it's like putting a sign on our car's windshield that says, "Please don't steal my stereo system."

Edited December 11, 2015 by Robratory

[StBreton]

Oh, I already I have my list of don't-wants. But do you think that putting down your don't-wants actually keeps the undesirables away? I don't think it does.

 

I mean, really, it's like putting a sign on our car's windshield that says, "Please don't steal my stereo system."

 

I agree to a point Rob...I think it keeps some away and some could care less...they'll still bite because they have an issue with boundaries. OLD a little over a year post divorce (after a long term marriage) I, at one point, put "financially secure" on my profile because I met and liked a guy with whom I had a great connection...but in his late 40s age (I'm similar age), he had declared bankruptcy a few years before and hadn't saved a dime for his retirement!! I'm not going to retire at 75. I'd like to find a partner who is not going to retire at 75 either. I'd also like to travel with someone and if they had no financial resources, that's just not going to work with me. Someone's lack of proper financial planning would affect our lifestyle...many of us are not young daters online that can recoup. I carry my own weight but expect a person to have enough financial savvy to have done the same.

 

When you're describing these scenarios, I feel it's important to point out age brackets and allow for differences in judgement based on those brackets.

[Wewon]

 

Maybe I'll start putting in my own ads, "Must not have a yeast infection!" or "Absolutely no aging prostitutes!"

 

LOL!

 

 

I've never done OLD, but I have to admit, to feel the need to say some things explicitly would make me say, "wtf?". In extreme cases you're not going to weed the dubious people out (they'll lie) and will only give a weird impression to the people you do want.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I understand that women get so overwhelmed with responses that they start putting weird requirements in their profiles, hopping to cut the traffic down.

 

The problem, of course, is that those requirements don't make the "bad" guys back off, but they very well might scare off a "good" guy because he misinterprets them.

 

Today I saw, for example, "must be clean and sober." WTF? Doesn't that go without saying? I mean, who consciously wants to get involved with an alley junkie? And could the requirement possibly work? No! A functional alcoholic is already in denial about his alcoholism. If he replies, she won't find out until much later, virtually guaranteed.

 

On the other hand, "clean and sober" implies recovery from addiction. Should we assume the woman is a recovering addict who seeks a similarly recovering addict to join forces with? It could be, but either way, I'm not replying because:

 

• I don't want to date a recovering addict
  
• I don't want to date someone who attracts addicts
  
• I don't appreciate the assumption that I could be an addict
  

 

Another one is "financially secure." What does that mean? I'm not on food stamps. I can buy myself what I need. Is that enough? Must I own investment property? Why are you worried about my finances, anyway? It gets even funnier in my case because I'm over 50. I laugh when I see 55-year-old women looking for men who are "financially secure." Honey, if you haven't married a rich man by now, it's not gonna happen!

 

Maybe I'll start putting in my own ads, "Must not have a yeast infection!" or "Absolutely no aging prostitutes!"

 

I know, right? As if that's going to stop them from contacting them.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I agree to a point Rob...I think it keeps some away and some could care less...they'll still bite because they have an issue with boundaries. OLD a little over a year post divorce (after a long term marriage) I, at one point, put "financially secure" on my profile because I met and liked a guy with whom I had a great connection...but in his late 40s age (I'm similar age), he had declared bankruptcy a few years before and hadn't saved a dime for his retirement!! I'm not going to retire at 75. I'd like to find a partner who is not going to retire at 75 either.

 

Hate to break it to you, but the economy the way it is, this will be pretty much standard. We'll be lucky if we even have a social security check by the time someone in their 40's reaches the S.S. retirement age.

[FeelingFireworks]

Agree with OP 100%! This is not limited to OLD but seen IRL too sometimes! Everyone has a list of sorts but it's how it's presented and what parts a person feels the need to air that can be quite distasteful.

 

Firstly, most requirements on a list of dos and donts go without saying. To want a good sense of humour and not want an adulterer....well, duh. It just comes off as patronising if you feel the spell it out.

 

It also can reflect badly on the person saying it. If they have to stress they don't want a junkie and it's because they usually attract junkies (although through no perceived fault of their own)....then a high value person who does not attract unsavoury types will internally question why and prob skip by, simply cos its negative/offputting. Plus it'll prob not deter the junkies you're seeking to avoid!

 

Also some people just represent themselves as their list. They'll just straight out the gate tell you what they will/will not tolerate, or go on a date & ask a zillion questions like its a tick box exercise. You get no real flavour of their personality or what they can contribute to a relationship because they're fixated on their requirements. It can scream "burned (badly) and not quite over it" or "super picky", both of which I'll generally avoid.

 

I think a person who just tries their best to exude the positivity they wish to attract is better, despite if they've been hurt before (we all have). When a list is so in-your-face it can sometimes give off vibe that person is looking over their shoulder for the next transgression.

[loveweary11]

and must want to date with a purpose.

 

I'm stealing this!

 

 

What a great way to say you are looking for something real, without it sounding too strong.

[kendahke]

I think it depends upon the age of the person you're targeting.

 

At a certain point in life, you dont' want to have to re-raise an irresponsible grown man (or an irresponsible grown woman) and be their mother/father because they have nothing of their own, didn't plan on taking care of themselves as they got older. Nothing more disgusting than for a grown man to ask me after 2 weeks of talking to them for money. Absolutely not.

 

I have no problem with seeing "must be financially secure" or "no drama queens" in a man's profile because it tells me that he's at the age where he is done re-raising a grown woman. We're on the same page there.

[Natalie8]

I understand why you feel it is not a good idea to put these in a profile. And i also understand why women feel the need to say these things. But maybe they should clarify the financially secure requirement so there is no misunderstanding.

What i find sad and pointless is when people put things like ' no players, liars, cheats and idiots"..These type of people wont look at themselves and think "oops, im a liar so i guess i wont contact her". I see guys putting " no bunnyboilers and drama queens" and i find it offputting. I did a search to check out the competition -women my age in the area- and was shocked by the negativity and bitterness. Almost all of the headlines were either negative or agressive

"You must like cats or bogoff" , "this site is pointless" , "im tired of cheaters", " no players please". Couple that with some really peeved off looking profile pictures. I would be scared to message these women if i was a guy.

One made me smile: " your di## pics are not pretty".

My headline is a quote from a comedy and guys regularly comment on how nice is it too see a headline that makes them laugh. Not that im very successful with online dating...

[Kamille]

I don't respond to profiles that have any hint of what I would consider negativity. I understand that everyone has requirements, but why waste the 3 paragraphs you get on your profile on slagging the people you don't want and turning off the people you might be interested in with your negativity? The profile is meant to introduce yourself, not design your ideal mate. Besides, you can pretty quickly suss out a lot of information on the first few dates.

 

I surf away from profiles that have the "no drama queen" line. All that tells me about that man is that there was drama in his past relationships and somehow he blames his ex/women for it. In my experience, it takes two to drama.

[mystikmind2005]

I do the exact same thing. It kind of conveys a poor attitude.

 

Rite, but i would not say 'poor' attitude, i would say 'less accessible' attitude,,, so you feel like it will be allot of work to break through those barriers... and it will drain allot of energy from you, so you end up thinking you will move on to a situation where you think your energy will be more effective.