Long winded hope for those in need

[BUBS]

I've been on these threads for two of my relationships in the past few years. The first one was an engagement that had been broken off from a relationship that I was in for almost 10 years. The second posts came from a rocky on and off again relationship of 2 1/2 years. I'd love to say that after the second time my last bf broke up with me in October of last year that I listened to the advice and chose to move on. But i didnt, and I took him back in December once all of the chaos dulled down. About three months later he broke up with me saying that he needed to find himself, that he wasnt ready for such a serious relationship at such a young age (I am 4 years older almost 26, he is 23 now). I let him go again heart broken and feeling at fault. After about a month and a half to my shock he came back again, insisting he had seen the error in his ways, that he would get therapy and treat me the way I deserved and truly work on fixing the issues in the relationship.

 

Of course I took him back again last May, and it was only a shame on me scenario knowing that old habits die hard. The first few months as always were great, he was attentive, patient and reassuring. Things felt and seemed different then any other time. We both were making a serious effort, and I wasnt getting broken up with every time I needed reassurance or we had a disagreement.

 

Slowly but surely I watched his investment and effort decrease again. The more I reached out for a resolve, the more he pushed away from me and made me feel like an emotional nut case and a burden rather than a blessing. I invested all of my time, energy and patience into trying to find a balance where I wasnt being disrespected but also where I wasnt thrashing out. Every time I attempted to talk to him about his tone, hostility or lack of patience it would turn into an arguement on his end and me in tears. Ultimately I became a pest and he became a monster. I acknowledged my behavior and made strides to change anything and everything that seemed to trigger negativity for our relationship, but it takes two people to make something work.

 

Ultimately a little over two or three weeks ago I got broken up with again after crying about how I wanted to understand why his lack of attentiveness and care had been full force. Of course I looked at my behavior and actions but he relentlessly avoided to admitting to his own. It began to feel as if he was attempting to push me into destroying things for him.

 

Regardless I'm here today to discuss a few things. I always found long winded break up advice to be soothing when I am in distress and this site is absolutely a great place to be if you need to feel the comfort of knowing you are not alone.

 

I want to touch base on the man that originally brought me to this site to make a point. It took a long time to heal from my ex fiance, and in ways I never will. I'm not here to frighten you. Its been 3 years since we were together and I can assure you the feelings I have for him are utterly different then the feelings you imagine you will have for your dumper years down the line when its fresh. I feel nostalgia, an occasional pang of what if, but in most respects I am unmoved by his presence or lack there of in my life at this point.

 

To people going through serious pain sometimes the scariest part of heartbreak is realizing someday you will be okay, and accepting that fact. When he left me I absolutely hated the idea that one day he would become a stranger to me. That one day a man would replace him. Regardless this is just the human condition. When you are left, a lot of emotions and chemicals come into play psychologically, and you go into a defensive mode of being. Years of years of evolution play a role in this. Its literally like going cold turkey from heroin. You will withdrawel, you will feel inclined to text,call and fix the situation. You will seek only validation in the person who took it from you. This is all natural. To blame yourself, to hate the decisions or mistakes you made that you feel contributed to the demise of your one true love.

 

Not only are you experiencing the loss of someone you love, but you are also experiencing a thrashed ego. It may not seem like it at the time, but sometimes this can be where most of your emotions are coming from. Feeling like you werent good enough for them, that you ruined everything, not understanding why they couldnt see the best and your intentions, and how easy it seems for them to walk when you never could have done something of the sort. Your mind will reel about how relieved and happy they must be without you bothering them. Again, all normal.

 

I brought up the initial relationship that brought me here for a reason. My ex fiance lives in texas, and I in NJ. After a year or so of us being broken up he went public with his relationship with a much older woman and child. A woman whose values and interests were seemingly the polar opposite of me. I couldnt comprehend it. Nothing made sense. I found someone around the same time, but I still hadnt completely gotten over my ex. I just knew it was time to let myself get over him. Over the next two years I watched my ex fiance partake in hobbies and lifestyle changes that were foreign to me. It was clear he was molding himself to her beliefs but what seemed more clear was that he was happy. The anger faded, and I truly felt a sense of justice.

 

I believe justice is served if you let it out of your hands. We all hope for the justice that our ex will come back hysterical and irate on their knees having seen the loss and make it all right and we all live happily ever after, but justice is served in many ways. I prayed for my ex fiance to come back, I put it on the altar time and time again. But instead justice was served in seeing where his future was going before my eyes, and realizing if that was his "destiny" and where he truly was content then I absolutely never could have fit into that mold. I knew my ex fiance for more of my life than without, and I had never seen that side of him before.

 

Thanks to a crisis and my most recent break up as well as getting laid off at the same time, I was extremley lucky to have been able to pack my car up and drive away for a little over a week to escape my reality. While all of the hurt and pain will always be waiting for you when you get back, I strongly suggest getting away to remind yourself if just for that short period of time that there is more to life and you then the moment you are currently going through.

 

I drove south, hit some cities I had always wanted to see, and then hit my old towns in Texas that I felt needed to be revisited after all these years for piece of mind. I drove into that tiny town I was so terrified to ever see again, ate at my ex fiance and I's favorite breakfast taco spot, and then reached out and saw him the following day for the first time in over 3 years for lunch with a friend.

 

For the longest time I envisioned what I would look like, what it would feel like when this moment came to pass and I hate to admit that it was underwhelming at best. We did meet, and everything was different. Through the small talk there were only slight glimses into the version of him that I used to know. There was a comfort and warmth that stood out between us even in such an uncomfortable and cold position... but it was nothing like I had imagined. Even the following day visiting old friends in the city we had lived in before we moved I felt much more emotional and nostalgic then the day I had actually seen him.

 

Thats just what time does. After 3 years all I cared most about was seeing him in a good place, and I was finally adult enough to change his name from child back to the original which was monumental to me.

 

When I got back the pain and reality of having gone through a 4th break up with my most recent ex set in. All of the times I wiped the slate clean for him, and he left me over and over each time for something I could have corrected if he had been willing to communicate and correct anything for me. I was reeling, furious and in agony. I sat around crying and missing him, only for it to turn into hating him and feeling like I was better off. Its a roller coaster for sure. I gave everything I had, to feel underestimated and taken for granted. To be told I was emotionally over bearing for trying to tell him my feelings and what was hurting them.

 

This time I doubt he will be back. He gave it an additional 7 month test run, and clearly when he began to separate himself I saw it, and he did his mourning for the relationship lost far before he got the backbone to actually walk away. This is also something thats hard for dumpees to grasp. That most of the time even in a heated argument the dumper has contemplated this for a while and was just waiting for the ball to drop. I find myself being like "how could he say he loved me only hours before, we were having such a good day" and so forth. It all comes out of left field in ways. But the reality is that most of the time whats meaningful to the dumpee is less meaningful to the dumper. They say I love you in the end because they love you, but not the same way. Mainly they follow the routine to avoid conflict.

 

Does this mean your ex isnt thinking of you? Missing you? etc... no not necessarily. I have been shocked to see my ex come back 3 times when he made it seem abundantly clear he was finished, over it and happier without me in his life. I personally dont feel this time is different in what he is going through behind closed doors. Sure he may be fed up, and Im positive he wont bother coming back because his emotional immaturity sees things as black and white. He sees a pattern of something being unhealthy and assumes thats just what it is, the way it goes, life. Hes incapable of understanding that if effort was applied problems could be resolved. That will come with time and more experience in other relationships.

 

It frustrates me to be upset over him at this point. To want him as badly as I do, to feel so defeated and angry at myself for my behavior rather than him for so easily going hot and cold on me. But again this is life, and a tactic that is unavoidable. Your brain doesnt want to be in distress, and in the beginning of a break up its going to tell you that things were amazing and you absolutely must get said person back if you ever want to feel whole again, to avoid feeling distress. Its a comfort and familiarity and it brings you back to the present rather than dealing with the turmoil of where to go next. In the same way when time passes and your ex doesnt return or moves on clearly, you will shift and begin to defend yourself in order to feel better. Contradicting it is, if only we could do this right from the start it would be much easier.

 

I know this is long but I'm going to give you advice that is fact, even if your emotions are clouding your common sense, as mine are. As I write this I am sad, lonely, missing him, angry, upset, betrayed, defeated and any other negative word you can come up with... but all of us in the darkest and deepest realms of our soul even if we cant feel it, know that we will absolutely be okay.

 

I healed from relationship after relationship, slowly and surely. At times I'll revisit the past because I tend to hold on to anyone and everyone I have a connection with since they are few and far between but this is not to say that healing hasnt taken place.

 

You need to physically do whats best for you to see emotional results. For a while it will be a fake it until you make it scenario, but you will make it. Making big decisions is out of the question. They suggest no contact because your emotions are stronger than you are and you are making decisions in a fight or flight scenario. Stick to choosing things every day that you know will have no negative outcome for a short while. What this entails is looking to a higher power, religion, faith or even just positive affirmations or motivational speakers, change blogs, articles that empower you from within. No bad can come from this. Journal, or video log for those who dont like to write, say what you need to on a daily basis, and watch how in time your entries will go from all about them to barely mentioning them. Your life will grow and this will become a smaller and smaller aspect for you. Go to the gym, exercise at home... we all know the benefits of it, theres no need to go into it. Even if you have the perfect body, it is a remedy physically that enables your mind to think more clearly in the process.. Only good can come from it. Eat healthy, your brain needs to be as clear as possible to truly be rational, so like a child that cries and becomes irrational when its tired or hungry, think the same for yourself as an adult. If you have no hobbies, you need to get one, if you have insurance, I STRONGLY advice seeking a therapist as quickly as possible to learn proper coping mechanisms that are tried and true. Take vitamins. Pamper yourself. Be easy on yourself. Focus on remaining presentable. See your family and friends. For me my friends all are friends with him as well which makes it more difficult, but I have one or two out of the loop that I can trust in a bind. No contact is crucial, and all of you will absolutely break it here and there and then immediately regret it... hell I did last night.

 

The most important thing to remember is that its okay to not be okay. At times you will have to accept that its just a bad day and theres nothing you can do to stop the tears or pain. Sit with the pain, make friends with it and understand that in that pain lies the potential to lift you up and do inspiring things for yourself. I cant promise you that your ex will regret their decision, but I can assure you if you fall into a rut for too long you will regret your decision to have allowed anyone that kind of power over you. To have let yourself waste a time in which you should be growing and becoming better, learning about your boundaries and needs for your next relationship and the things that need to be changed from your end to make the next one more successful as well. Itll get better, then itll get worse, then itll get better. It all comes in seasons, understand happiness just like anger and sadness is just an emotion and not a general way of life. You have to put effort into it just like you did your previous failed relationship. You have to build beauty from the ashes in a sense.

 

If you choose to surround yourself with negative things, get your ex back blogs, bad people, rebound relationships, drugs, booze, alcohol, over eating, undereating, compressing your feelings or letting your feelings cripple you, you are only hurting yourself. You will experience the pain of heart ache whether your shooting dope, or whether your on a date, or even if you are doing all the right things. Unfortunatly you just have to man up and accept that fact. It will hurt, for longer than you are hoping it will. You will have days where you get up and feel grateful it ended, where the right words or advice spring you into common sense over drive and you see your ex and the issues clearly and understand that if it was perfect it wouldnt have happened. Other times you will only see the potential your partner didnt care enough to fulfill with you. Yes it couldve been amazing if they had just done something differently, or if you had... but it didnt go that way. You have to trust that God or whomever opens and closes doors for the same reason and that one day all of this will be absolute sense as to why it needed to be over.

 

In the meantime you have to grin and bare it. It will get better. You've heard it a million times because its true. If you do a work in yourself to be the best you can possibly be, then you will attract that to you as well. Water seeks its own level.

[Riptide91]

You seem like you are very self aware of what you are feeling and that is wonderful. I know how the taking someone back goes as I've done it with my ex before. She is now completely out of my life and I don't ever think of her as anything but a mere memory. For being as young as you are you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, so if that guy that you've taken back 3 or 4 times now does try for another please be reasonable and move on. You both have given it your best shot, it's just not meant to be.

 

Great post, I think your advice can be heard and agreed with by a lot of us here, and when people are hurting I think these kinds of things make them feel better.

[CatcherintheRye]

I love this post so, so, so much.

Everything you said I know is absolutely true, but at times, even though my logical mind knows the answer, I still experience those low lows and start thinking "does he even miss me?" "How could he walk away days after saying he loved me and wouldn't go anywhere?" "Did he even love me or was he faking it?"

 

I'm so glad you posted this. I'll be returning to re-read whenever I'm feeling down to remind myself that I'm not as alone as I feel and, no matter how much I want something to happen, sometimes they just aren't meant to be. We can't force someone to want us.

 

Here's to moving forward and trusting in your own inner strength.

Cheers.

[Liono84]

Awesome post, OP. You said a lot of things that run true to some many dumpees in here. You articulated it better than I can have ever done so in such great detail. Everything you said was true. I don't usually end up ever reading long posts, but I was hooked on yours because it was so true in so many levels.

[DontBreakEven]

I love this post. I wholeheartedly agree with all your points, and your philosophy is much like my own, and sounds much like that of my favorite author Susan Piver, "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart".

 

Anyway, I did want to highlight one point in your post:

 

To people going through serious pain sometimes the scariest part of heartbreak is realizing someday you will be okay, and accepting that fact. When he left me I absolutely hated the idea that one day he would become a stranger to me. That one day a man would replace him.

 

THIS.

 

I talk about this point a lot, but I am never able to articulate it this well. Basically when people tell me to move on, for me my gut reaction is, "But I don't WANT to move on." I don't. I'm scared. I've only felt like this twice in my life, and it was with my first ex fiance, and now with my recent ex. And I can say in both those relationships, I was treated VERY WELL until the end. (The other breakups hurt very bad, but I really just wanted to be able to move on. In fact I prayed for it. Because those people never treated me well.)

 

But the relationships that were relatively great for 90% of the duration are the hardest for me to let go. Because I know when I let go, that's it. The next time I see them it will all be different. I could potentially replace them. That thought kills me to my core. I don't want to replace my ex. I feel like she would be so heartbroken if she knew I replaced her. The thought just makes me so sad, and I've never heard anyone express that same feeling before. It IS the scariest part knowing that I will be okay, that someday she and I will be strangers. As long as I have the hurt, I feel like I still have her. It really is all that I have left of her.