Will the no contact rule work in my situation?

[romance ninja]

Hello

I've been researching a lot on ways to get an ex back and I'm a bit stuck on how long I should do the no contact rule for my situation.

 

My and my recent ex had been together for a year before we broke up. At first our relationship developed out of the blue and it turned out that were really meant for eachother (or seamed to be) and we just clicked. It's funny how the most unexpected relationships become the best ones isn't it! We were deeply in love with eachother and went everywhere together.

 

After a while I opened up to him about my anxiety issues. He was at first very supportive but then I got worse and worse. Looking back I think it's because I felt like I had to defend myself after revealing a very sensitive part of my life to him. Knowing that he knew scared me. I started arguments that were pathetic and he was so tolerant during this initial phase.

 

As I got worse his parents had a very nasty break up (whom he still lives with). His mother just left forever leaving a note refusing to talk to the family. At that time we were together for about 8 months. I didn't see how much it was affecting him partly because I was so consumed in my own troubles I couldnot see his and because he has a very proud nature about him. He is very independent and stubborn so wouldn't tell me how he was feeling or got defensive when I asked him to tell me how he felt. I wanted affection from him that he couldn't give because of how crap he was feeling at the time. I was very selfish.

 

He ended up not knowing what to say at all to me which upset me more as I had a fear of rejection due to my previous relationships and anxiety. Towards the end we went on a break to sort eachother out (which wasn't a proper break at all). I didn't want it so became desperate and clingy during the whole thing. It lasted about 2 weeks.

 

The break was never going to work because I didn't want it. And you have to want something for something to change. After the break we had an amazing weekend together but he showed signs of being distant and turned slightly aggressive to his father. His father had not been in another relationship before his wife so was very very clingy to Tae (my ex). Pouring his emotions constantlyto him and even threatened to Finnish himself off. Tae also looks like his mum which made his father even more clingy to him. With me being anxious aswell as him whilst tae was feeling awful anyway it was too much for him.

 

3 weeks ago tomorrow we had an argument about something so stupid. He said the wrong thing at the wrong time and I flipped. He said he wanted space that day. Then the next morning I woke up to him messaging me on Facebook saying he couldn't do it anymore and I deserved better. There was more to it than that but that's the short. I called him and went into shock as I couldn't believe what was happening. I begged him back buto he calmly said the same things as he did my message.

 

A few days later, I convinced him to meet up the next week a week after the initial break up. In that week I was determined to make a start on getting rid of my anxiety as that was what broke us. I sent him a message the night before meeting up saying everything i wanted to say so he had time to think before seeing me.I mentioned that the previous break was never going to work because I didn't want it. And suggested a proper break rather than a break up. I said all the lovely Dovey stuff as to why I believes we should be together and that I was determined to prove I can change the anxiety.

 

I meditated before seeing him the next day so I was very grounded and calm when I spoke to him. I was positive and a completely different person compared to the anxious wreck I was. He explained that he just didn't feel that way about me anymore and that he wants to leave it to destiny and stay broken up. He said he wants to be alone alone for a while and when i asked if we could be friemds he said i dont think were going to see eachother for a while. I asked why and he said to think about things. We didn't argue or anything just listened to eachother give our opinions.

 

He cried a lot and so did I. He cried especially when I mentioned his situation at his (that was the first time he opened up to me in person). After discussing the break up we talked about stuff in general laughed together connecting deeply like we used to.I saI'd why don't we call this a break with no limits. That was more of a comfort thing for me but he agreed. We also said we wouldn't be looking for another relationship for a long time. And we'll always be there for eachother. IT was very moving. But im worried now that because I did that he won't reach out to me because he feels he doesn't need to.

 

I started the no contact from that talk which was 2 weeks ago. He hasn't contacted me since and I'm a bit lost with the no contact thing and long long it should be. I've started meditation every day, have started yoga lessons, voluntary work at a wild life park and an archaeologicall dig. I'm improving myself and learning to be happy on my own. I've been posting these steps on Facebook for him to see also. I'm worried I'm doing the wrong things given our situation.

 

As I have said I haven't spoken to him since the break up but I also can't decide whether to do the love letter thing people talk about now (agreeing with the break up, letting them know I think we need space, mentioning good news but not being specific about it then appologising for the neediness) then leave it to no contact or just keep going with the no contact.

 

Sorry this is such a long message I just wanted to be clear on our situation so I have every chance of saving "us".

 

Any advice would help.

Edited December 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[itisdanielle]

The no contact rule isn't a tactic to get an ex back. It is meant for you to heal and move on. I know you don't want to and you want him back, but the only option for you is to work on yourself.

 

It seems like you both had problems, and it's great that you're starting to work on them, but you need to do this long term in order to be ready for a healthy relationship. If, once you have both worked on yourselves, and you are both over the relationship and happy, you may have a chance together in the future. But this is unlikely. I'm sorry - I hate to say something that you don't want to hear, but accepting this is the best thing you can do - though it will take a while.

 

He has a lot going on right now with family so the best thing for him is probably some space to work on these issues. Being friends after a BU will never work either, it's just a way to cling on to the person but will eventually cause even more damage to yourself.

 

I wouldn't post things on FB specifically for him to see. I would suggest that you delete him from all social media.

 

Read the NC guide by TaraMaiden in this forum - it's really helpful and tells you everything that you need to know

Edited December 10, 2015 by itisdanielle
Spelling

[pidgeon1010]

He may come back and he may not. The no contact rule is not meant to get your ex back so if that's the sole reason you are now in no contact, I hate to say that you are probably setting yourself up for a big disappointment.

 

This "break with no limits" is a dubious state of affairs. When you're no longer with someone, you can't dictate what he/she can and cannot do. I wouldn't put my life on hold thinking he is doing the same. I've known a couple of girlfriends who were in complete shock when their ex met and started dating someone else in the same scenario you described (working on myself, won't date anyone else, i'll be here for you but we can't be together for now). The reality is that unfortunately the relationship is over and he is under no obligation to communicate with you on regular basis, if at all.

 

You cannot force or convince someone to be with you. He knows how you feel since you "fought" the breakup. I would let things be and make a plan for moving on. Easier said than done but it looks like that is your only option at this point. Best of luck to you.

[Chronotrgr]

As someone who suffers from anxiety, I really feel for you, you can be your own worst enemy unfortunately, you mustn't punish yourself though, especially not on the grounds of illness, I've found anxiety isn't something you can simply put to one side, its more like something you can manage and gradually come to grips with, but you mustn't let yourself feel guilty for your anxious behaviour.

 

It sounds like your ex has really hit the skids as far as life goes, it's one thing to witness a break up between parents, but she essentially abandoned her son as well by doing what she has done so no doubt he's feeling raw right now, when people feel numb they get dumb as my dad used to always say.

 

No contact is really a you thing more than it is a way of getting somebody back, depending on the situation of course, in this situation, I think no contact isn't the right way to get things back on track, for sure its probably a good idea to take a few steps back while everything is up in the air, but don't cut off your lines of communication.

 

I see this as a gradual process, you can't have it all the way your probably yearning for right now but with patience you could possibly get there.

[romance ninja]

As someone who suffers from anxiety, I really feel for you, you can be your own worst enemy unfortunately, you mustn't punish yourself though, especially not on the grounds of illness, I've found anxiety isn't something you can simply put to one side, its more like something you can manage and gradually come to grips with, but you mustn't let yourself feel guilty for your anxious behaviour.

 

It sounds like your ex has really hit the skids as far as life goes, it's one thing to witness a break up between parents, but she essentially abandoned her son as well by doing what she has done so no doubt he's feeling raw right now, when people feel numb they get dumb as my dad used to always say.

 

No contact is really a you thing more than it is a way of getting somebody back, depending on the situation of course, in this situation, I think no contact isn't the right way to get things back on track, for sure its probably a good idea to take a few steps back while everything is up in the air, but don't cut off your lines of communication.

 

I see this as a gradual process, you can't have it all the way your probably yearning for right now but with patience you could possibly get there.

 

 

 

Thank you I'm glad someone can relate. What hurts most is that I let myself get that bad pushing him away. I want to get to a point during no contact where I am happy being single and don't mind if he wants more than friendship or not. After I have gotten to this stage I will start talking to him but not about the relationship and see where things go. I want to support him through it even if it means we won't be together. Is there any more advice you could give?

[ExpatInItaly]

Although your heart is in the right place, he doesn't want your support through this. This is not unusual for a man; many prefer to sort through their problems on their own, even when they're in relationships. Women usually talk through their problems and lean on loved ones for strength and support. Men are not as likely to do so, in my experience. This is especially true in this case, given that you're not a couple now.

 

What's happened in his life is awful and I imagine he's very hurt. He is probably wise to be alone right now, as he knows he can't offer you the kind of attention you'd like from a boyfriend. He also knows his feelings have changed and it wouldn't be right to give you false hope.

 

As others have said, No Contact is not a way to get someone back. It's meant to help you move on. It's commendable that you've taken some steps in working on your own issues. Keep moving in that direction. Don't post about it on Facebook with the hopes that he will notice. He may, but it might not change anything and you still might not hear from him. These types of changes also take time to really see results. If you make them for you, you will benefit regardless of what happens with your ex.

 

Moving forward, don't contact him. He knows how you feel and he knows how to reach you if he'd like to give things another shot.

[d0nnivain]

Hello

I've been researching a lot on ways to get an ex back and I'm a bit stuck on how long I should do the no contact rule for my situation.

 

As I have said I haven't spoken to him since the break up but I also can't decide whether to do the love letter thing people talk about now (agreeing with the break up, letting them know I think we need space, mentioning good news but not being specific about it then appologising for the neediness) then leave it to no contact or just keep going with the no contact.

 

NC is NOT a tool to get somebody back. You can manipulate somebody into loving you or missing you.

 

NC is a healing tool. It's purpose is to help you get over the person.

 

If you want to reconcile, talk.

 

The love letter thing never works. At best the recipient ignores it. At worst they post it on line, talk about what a lunatic you are & publicly humiliate you for sending it.

 

Send love letters when you are in a healthy committed relationship.

[romance ninja]

NC is NOT a tool to get somebody back. You can manipulate somebody into loving you or missing you.

 

NC is a healing tool. It's purpose is to help you get over the person.

 

If you want to reconcile, talk.

 

The love letter thing never works. At best the recipient ignores it. At worst they post it on line, talk about what a lunatic you are & publicly humiliate you for sending it.

 

Send love letters when you are in a healthy committed relationship.

 

 

How can I make him miss me? I thought that's what the no contact thing was for aswell as moving on. I can't talk to him at the minute because I believe we both need space and he said we won't see eachother for a while. It's when I should talk to him that I'm confused about. We also have the same friendship group which makes it hard to avoid him or thoughts about him. Is there anything I can do to give me a better chance of getting him back?

[d0nnivain]

How can I make him miss me? I thought that's what the no contact thing was for aswell as moving on. I can't talk to him at the minute because I believe we both need space and he said we won't see eachother for a while. It's when I should talk to him that I'm confused about. We also have the same friendship group which makes it hard to avoid him or thoughts about him. Is there anything I can do to give me a better chance of getting him back?

 

You can't. You have no control over that.

 

All you can control is you.

 

There is nothing you can do to get him back. Sorry. I know that sucks but it is the reality. As soon as you accept that & work on healing, the better off you will be.