Is this a dealbreaker?

[chicaboom]

I have been seeing a lovely and amazing man for about 7 months now. He is by far the best guy I have ever dated and I feel myself slowly falling in love with him.

 

We live on opposite ends of the city. He lives in the suburbs and I live smack downtown. We both own our own places. He loves where he lives, nature and not being in the middle of the city. I mainly live in the city for convenience and my mother lives on her own so I feel like I should be close to her. I don't mind the suburbs but for work it is very inconvenient and I don't think I would want to live that far out.

 

Last night I asked him if in the future sometime down the line he might ever consider compromising on where we could live together. I was thinking of somewhere halfway b/w suburbs and smack city...but wasn't really thinking about anything too detailed as I have no idea where that might be. More just wanted to know that he would compromise as I was willing to possibly do.

 

His answer was that he didn't know. He loved his home, needed to factor in costs, where would we be, WHEN would that be, what would we do with our respective homes etc etc etc. I definitely wasn't thinking that detailed at this point. I just wanted to know that he COULD compromise.

 

this simple question kind of exploded and brought up a lot of other things. It scared me that he was unsure of even whether he could compromise. I told him that this might be a deal breaker for me. We both cried.

 

Isn't compromising the basis of relationships?

 

He mentioned that b/c he hasn't been in many relationships, going slow was better for him. He didn't see himself moving in together for the next year, but understood that we are in our 30s now and that it might be important for me (I'm 30 he's 33). We sort of skimmed the topics of children and marriage, but even I am not ready to talk about those topics. He said he needs more time, but I don't understand why he needs more time to think about compromising? I'm not asking for marriage WHEN we're going to move in or anything like that...just that he would consider compromising.

 

What does everyone think? Is this a deal breaker? I don't want to invest more if this amazing man that I care about so much about if he won't be willing to compromise. I know there are a lot of details involved in moving in together especially b/c we own our own places but if he had just said "Yea, sure I'd be willing to compromise on something down the line when we get there" I would have felt more at ease.

 

Should I consider ending the relationship before I get hurt and invested too much? He is amazing and we have an amazing time together and he treats me like gold. But am I going to be waiting for him to make decisions for the rest of my life? Or am I always going to have to give in and put up with someone who is never willing to compromise?

 

What do I do?

[smackie9]

I would accept the inconvenience and live in the burbs if he was that important to me.

[smackie9]

Making compromises is only one of the things we need in a relationship....you also need the ability to make sacrifices too.

[TaraMaiden2]

Quit panicking.

Who actually ever stated it had to be a hard-and-fast, set-in-stone rule that couples HAD to live together?

 

There are several tales of married couples continuing to live in their own respective space, in spite of being happily married, because they're happy with their own environments and independence.

 

Marriage may mean compromise.

What you're almost demanding is sacrifice.

It's not 'compromising' to him.

To him, it's having his back pushed against the wall.

He doesn't want to move.

And that's his right, just as it's your perfect right to stay precisely where you are.

 

(All these 'I don't know' answers from him are essentially an indication that he feels cornered and pressured. Hence the tears. What he means is "I don't really want to, and I don't know why you're pushing so hard for a compromise you're seeking to make me do something I don't want to do.")

 

You may feel meeting half-way is fair.

But he need not feel the same way. Nothing is written that says he must, so no, in my opinion, this isn't a 'deal-breaker' per se.

 

But you seem to think it is....?

 

Are you absolutely, definitely totally certain that you want children, for sure, for sure, or are you just thinking "it may well be a possibility once you're married because isn't that what couples do, then"....?

If you are firmly set on definitely having children, then moving together is a consideration you can mull over in future, as when and if it becomes essential.

Until that time, relax.

 

What's the rush?

It's only been 7 months. You admit you're not even ready and willing to say you actually even love him yet,

 

I feel myself slowly falling in love with him.

(Which I find surprising, because by now, you should have a pretty good idea of whether you do or don't....)

 

So talk of moving in together isn't all that urgent....

[Versacehottie]

Not a dealbreaker...yet. I think the conversation and topics came up too soon for him and the whole thing freaked him out. Good guys don't like to make promises they can't keep to girls they love, which is my guess about why he is hesitant about discussing or compromising. You just hit him with all this. Let him have time to let it sink in, churn the ideas around in his head--at 7 months, it probably hadn't even crossed his mind yet.

[hippychick3]

In his mind, the question wasn't about compromising in general...it was about moving for the relationship. He's not at that point to make that decision so really can't answer you.

 

I understand that for you the point of the conversation was to establish his views on compromising. But, in his mind all he could hear was whether or not he wanted to move for the relationship. Let things grow naturally first. You're not even in love yet (which I find odd for 7 months...but that's a different issue).

[mammasita]

IMO 7 months is quite early to be talking about making compromises about where you would potentially live as a couple.....waaaaaaay early. Give it some time, things change. Definitely not a deal breaker at this point. His crying might have been, but that's just me

[Versacehottie]

In his mind, the question wasn't about compromising in general...it was about moving for the relationship. He's not at that point to make that decision so really can't answer you.

 

I understand that for you the point of the conversation was to establish his views on compromising. But, in his mind all he could hear was whether or not he wanted to move for the relationship. Let things grow naturally first. You're not even in love yet (which I find odd for 7 months...but that's a different issue).

 

Yes also too soon to bring up living arrangements if you are not in love yet. It' anxiety provoking and unnecessary rushing. If you want to know if he will compromise with you try it out on much smaller issues first. Very small. If you want to know if it could possibly apply to a living situation, see if you each can compromise of elements of a vacation.

[chicaboom]

In his mind, the question wasn't about compromising in general...it was about moving for the relationship. He's not at that point to make that decision so really can't answer you.

 

I understand that for you the point of the conversation was to establish his views on compromising. But, in his mind all he could hear was whether or not he wanted to move for the relationship. Let things grow naturally first. You're not even in love yet (which I find odd for 7 months...but that's a different issue).

 

Why is it odd to not be sure if you're in love and it's too soon to talk about compromising? Like I think the latter is way less significant and impactful than discussing love.

[Maggie4]

Willingness to compromise, means being willing to compromise on what should be a compromise. He need not compromise on every single issue, and you should be flexible about that, as you also need not compromise every single time.

 

There is basically no compromise on living among nature. Halfway into the city, you are neither here nor there. Couples sometimes decide that only one person should commute and the other person handles kids and meals while the other one is stuck in traffic.

 

You are thinking far ahead, but not covering all the details because you can't, you are not there yet. One of you might change jobs, etc. He has basically told you that it is premature to be talking about selling house and moving. I agree with that, as it seems your committment is a bit fragile.

[chicaboom]

Quit panicking.

Who actually ever stated it had to be a hard-and-fast, set-in-stone rule that couples HAD to live together?

 

There are several tales of married couples continuing to live in their own respective space, in spite of being happily married, because they're happy with their own environments and independence.

 

Marriage may mean compromise.

What you're almost demanding is sacrifice.

It's not 'compromising' to him.

To him, it's having his back pushed against the wall.

He doesn't want to move.

And that's his right, just as it's your perfect right to stay precisely where you are.

 

(All these 'I don't know' answers from him are essentially an indication that he feels cornered and pressured. Hence the tears. What he means is "I don't really want to, and I don't know why you're pushing so hard for a compromise you're seeking to make me do something I don't want to do.")

 

You may feel meeting half-way is fair.

But he need not feel the same way. Nothing is written that says he must, so no, in my opinion, this isn't a 'deal-breaker' per se.

 

But you seem to think it is....?

 

Are you absolutely, definitely totally certain that you want children, for sure, for sure, or are you just thinking "it may well be a possibility once you're married because isn't that what couples do, then"....?

If you are firmly set on definitely having children, then moving together is a consideration you can mull over in future, as when and if it becomes essential.

Until that time, relax.

 

What's the rush?

It's only been 7 months. You admit you're not even ready and willing to say you actually even love him yet,

 

(Which I find surprising, because by now, you should have a pretty good idea of whether you do or don't....)

 

So talk of moving in together isn't all that urgent....

 

Thanks for your advice. This is good advice and I understand now how what i saw as fair is a sacrifice for him. But on the flip side, it's not like i'm not giving anything up either! I would also be giving up my place and my preference for living centrally.

 

I'm not sure if I want children. I sort of feel like I would be happy either with or without them. I'm probably more leaning towards having children than not.

 

There is no rush...I didn't actually think that my question was a big deal. I was only asking whether he would be willing to compromise down the line in a hypothetical situation. It just sort of exploded.

 

I guess if he does feel like I'm pressuring him and asking him to sacrifice things, doesn't that mean that maybe we're not a match? To me compromising isn't a big deal. If he feels like it's a giant sacrifice to be with your special person then maybe we're not on the same page, or maybe he doesn't feel the same way for me. I would be willing to compromise in some way, so why can't he say the same?

[hippychick3]

Why is it odd to not be sure if you're in love and it's too soon to talk about compromising? Like I think the latter is way less significant and impactful than discussing love.

 

I think falling in love usually happens before 7 months...but, that is my experience. Anytime I was in love with someone, I knew between 4-5 months at the latest. I am not saying you should discuss this though (if that's what you think I was saying).

 

7 months of dating is too soon even if you were in love to discuss moving for the relationship in a meaningful way. His reaction to that discussion at this point is not an indicator of his ability or inability to compromise.

[chicaboom]

Willingness to compromise, means being willing to compromise on what should be a compromise. He need not compromise on every single issue, and you should be flexible about that, as you also need not compromise every single time.

 

There is basically no compromise on living among nature. Halfway into the city, you are neither here nor there. Couples sometimes decide that only one person should commute and the other person handles kids and meals while the other one is stuck in traffic.

 

You are thinking far ahead, but not covering all the details because you can't, you are not there yet. One of you might change jobs, etc. He has basically told you that it is premature to be talking about selling house and moving. I agree with that, as it seems your commitment is a bit fragile.

 

But that's not at all what I was asking. I feel like my question about whether he could potentially compromise got taken out of context. Like I wasn't asking about where, when or whether we would move in together or selling our houses! It was more a hypothetical, are you willing to compromise.

 

But from reading all the comments I can see that my question definitely comes off as very loaded, which was not my intention at all. I didn't think about all those details, but it sounds like my question was forcing him to think of these details when he wasn't ready to.

[hippychick3]

But that's not at all what I was asking. I feel like my question about whether he could potentially compromise got taken out of context. Like I wasn't asking about where, when or whether we would move in together or selling our houses! It was more a hypothetical, are you willing to compromise.

 

But from reading all the comments I can see that my question definitely comes off as very loaded, which was not my intention at all. I didn't think about all those details, but it sounds like my question was forcing him to think of these details when he wasn't ready to.

 

Exactly. Sometimes people hear different things than what was said. He didn't hear your intent. He heard "omg, she wants to know if I'll move for her and I don't even know what point I am yet with this woman I'm still getting to know!"

[chicaboom]

Exactly. Sometimes people hear different things than what was said. He didn't hear your intent. He heard "omg, she wants to know if I'll move for her and I don't even know what point I am yet with this woman I'm still getting to know!"

 

ya definitely noted and sort of embarrassed that that is what he thought I was asking. ugh. I'll have to apologize and explain myself. I don't want to lose him He's wonderful.

[TaraMaiden2]

Also, could I just add, (although it may well be really premature to be even touching on the subject) 'sort of feel like', 'either with or without' and 'probably more leaning' are not really the greatest indications of projected motherhood.

I know it sounds cliche, but with regard to having children, you have to be absolutely, totally entirely in love with the idea and projected plan of being a mum. It has to be paramount in your mind, and little, by comparison, matters.

 

An adage I completely live by - and something which applies to smelling that jar that's been at the back of ther fridge since you-don't-know-when, to buying a house with a pool, long drive, and its own tennis court - is this:

 

"If it feels great, do it.

When in doubt - don't."

 

Actually getting married, Kids, religion, work and politics are the main strong potential deal-breakers, if we're talking deal-breakers.

And having kids is huge.

 

Something which I realise, at only 7 months in, is obviously not uppermost in your thoughts.

 

But - please don't take this the wrong way - time is not on your side, and if you've only ever been 'sorta, kinda' about them, odds are it would probably be better to not have any.

If you've lived without any strong urges or yearnings to be a mum up to now, then simply considering having children, "because.... well...I'm leaning...." is not going to carry you through the subsequent 18 years plus.....

 

Whatever you do, I wish you well.

But bear those matters in mind....

[Maggie4]

That's why it's good to talk it out on LS!

Basically you just wanted to know that he values you. But you asked it in terms of living arrangements. Imo, you can't really get your answer this way, because some men will say sure baby, I'll do anything for ya, but actually he doesn't mean it. You just have to let this develop.