Otter2569 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Where do you draw the line when it comes to privacy in a relationship? What do you do / say when your SO: creeps on your facebook page and asks about pics / comments from members of the opposite sex? Asks about your on line dating? Wants to look at your phone to see who youve been contacting? Asks for your password to go into your accounts?
PegNosePete Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 creeps on your facebook page and asks about pics / comments from members of the opposite sex? Stop stalking me. If you have a problem with trusting me then please talk to me about it directly. Asks about your on line dating? Since we became exclusive I am not using online dating. Wants to look at your phone to see who youve been contacting? Stop stalking me. If you have a problem with trusting me then please talk to me about it directly. Asks for your password to go into your accounts? Why do you want to go into my accounts? 2
casey.lives Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 trust is about not knowing everything but about keeping the good faith that this person wont hurt you because they like you ...or they love you ....or because at the very least respect you. Privacy starts off high and the more you learn to trust .. goes down. When you have complete trust .. you are transformed into a true love and your love overflows with abundance for ALL especially your trusting S.O 2
hippychick3 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Where do you draw the line when it comes to privacy in a relationship? What do you do / say when your SO: creeps on your facebook page and asks about pics / comments from members of the opposite sex? Asks about your on line dating? Wants to look at your phone to see who youve been contacting? Asks for your password to go into your accounts? Depends on the level of the relationship. If it's someone I'm barely dating, I would think it odd to mention my fb at all. In an established relationship, it would depend how it's asked...accusatory or out of curiosity. 2 different reactions. Why would you be online dating if you're in a relationship? Looking at my phone and asking for my pw, absolutely not. That's an invasion of my privacy and an admission of lack of trust. 3
Gloria25 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 What the OP described sounds like micromanaging and/or snooping. So, if my SO feels the need to "investigate" me, then we need to have a serious talk. For me, in a RL, if I like hear my SOs phone ringing and/or I simply need it for something (like I left mine upstairs and need to make a quick phone call, online search, etc.) I shouldn't have to demand for a password and/or ask permission cuz hello, I'm not gonna dig into his phone in search of his last calls, texts, etc. But, if when I borrow his phone, up pops a text from a chick, yea, I'm gonna look at it cuz it's staring me in the face. My brother and his wife regularly exchange phones, tablets, and/or laptops. I gotta be careful when I txt to make sure I'm speaking to the right person...cuz they got nothing to hide. Now if I had a SO that flinched and/or hid, and/or delayed whrn I ask for his phone to simply make a call cuz mine is somwhere else...then something's wrong. But seriously, I don't want to have to share my cel, laptop, email, Facebook or whatever with an SO, cuz IMO, healthy RLs have a combo of "us" and "independence"...I wanna have the freedom to chat freely on email and stuff to my gfs about mundane and even stuff I wouldn't want my SO to know (ie I had bad cramps last week). But isn't this about your gf who has other issues with you in this RL? If that's the case, I'm seeing this as another red flag counting towards a pattern of behavior that is controlling and abusive....Maybe time to initiate launch sequence? 3
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 I second what hippychick3 and Gloria25 said.
kgcolonel Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Trust me i am not endorsing this behavior however on the what would i do... I have nothing to hide therefore here take a look and have fun....I'll go watch football while you entertain yourself.... It would be very boring for her....again, nothing to hide. 1
jen1447 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 It doesn't happen to me (for the reasons you imply) and if/when it does for other reasons (idle curiosity), I wouldn't care in the slightest. On theme tho, if a partner was exhibiting persistent trust issues thru intrusive behaviors, I'd calmly sit them down and ask them what's the problem. (Big picture.) Assuming I wasn't actually trying to trick/cheat them etc., I'd reassure them that they're safe w/me (in more than just a dismissive way) and then draw some hard lines and make it clear that they're not allowed to cross them. Whatever those might be is up to the person depending on their sensitivity ....I'm not terribly private myself. Then if the lines were crossed I'd do the at most 2 strikes and your out thing - more likely 1 - and end it if they kept up the bad behavior. I know we're really talking about your GF and her special challenges here tho, so the evaluation and considerations would be unique. It's different dealing with this sort of thing with a completely stable person vs someone who might be dealing w/genuine paranoia issues. And that's a whole other question - should you be in a relationship w/someone who's potentially mentally ill? 2
casey.lives Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 This is also what makes marriage a special unification of two people. If you're not married ... keep somethings for when you get married .. so getting married CAN ACTUALLY BE SPECIAL. Marriage is NOT just a piece of paper.. it's a gateway where two become one.. If you're not a wife, don't act like one, and to me, this includes all kinds of availabilities.. sO.. yeah.. my husband has total and special access.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 This is also what makes marriage a special unification of two people. If you're not married ... keep somethings for when you get married .. so getting married CAN ACTUALLY BE SPECIAL. Marriage is NOT just a piece of paper.. it's a gateway where two become one.. If you're not a wife, don't act like one, and to me, this includes all kinds of availabilities.. sO.. yeah.. my husband has total and special access. First point - Not everyone sees it this way unfortunately. There are just as many unmarried couples who have stronger and more honest relationships than married ones. Marriage doesn't guarantee anything. Second point - You're actually making wives (and marriage) sound horrible. If being married means becoming a micro-managing super snooper then count me out. Trust is trust. You either have it or you don't. Marriage has nothing to do with that. 2
pteromom Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Where do you draw the line when it comes to privacy in a relationship? What do you do / say when your SO: creeps on your facebook page and asks about pics / comments from members of the opposite sex? Respond in a factual way and don't make a big deal out of it. If my partner makes a big deal out of it, I would consider whether there are other signs of irrational jealousy and whether this is working. Asks about your on line dating? I assume you mean in the past? I would say "that isn't important. It's the past." If they have a question that affects the current relationship, they can ask without bringing past stuff up. Wants to look at your phone to see who youve been contacting? I don't care, but again, this would be a red flag for a very insecure jealous person. Asks for your password to go into your accounts? Nope. Those are my passwords, and passwords are private. 1
pteromom Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 You're actually making wives (and marriage) sound horrible. If being married means becoming a micro-managing super snooper then count me out. Trust is trust. You either have it or you don't. Marriage has nothing to do with that. Very true. Two do not become one - that is just the stuff of sappy love songs. You are still two individuals, and it is up to the two involved as to what level of privacy there is in the relationship. I would never want to be in a situation where I have to snoop in his stuff and he snoops in mine. There has to be trust. If you have to snoop, there is a problem - either your partner isn't trustworthy, or you have issues. 2
carhill Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Where do you draw the line when it comes to privacy in a relationship? At our noses. What do you do / say when your SO: creeps on your facebook page and asks about pics / comments from members of the opposite sex? Never have used FB but social media in general were open season during our M. Transparent. Asks about your on line dating? Why would I be online dating while with a SO? Wants to look at your phone to see who youve been contacting? Heh, she picks it up and looks at it. No biggie. Wanna look at it? It's boring, just a bunch of real estate and machine shop jobs. Asks for your password to go into your accounts? Had 'em. Didn't have to ask. She was also the beneficiary of my retirement and any insurance. Duh. SO. We were married. Heck, I think that stuff was worked out when we were engaged after about a year of dating. Interesting, even knowing all that stuff, and having been D'd what five years now, my exW has never compromised me in any way. Criminals, sure. Maybe I picked a good person to divorce, IDK. Same with me. I could have made her life miserable on a lot of fronts but moved on. IMO, it boils down to people. If you have to worry about privacy with an intimate, reassess your risk management. Good luck!
Author Otter2569 Posted December 11, 2015 Author Posted December 11, 2015 There is always more to the story: When we were originally together there were fewer privacy concerns. She didnt like that i was friends with my exGf on FB so i deleted her. She didnt like FB in general or that mostly women comments on my posts. That was an source of on going tension. We broke up for a period so I went back to OLD. After being back together a few months i got caught in a lie, albeit a small one but a lie none the less. In lieu of this I have answered repeated questions and showed my phone history since i have nothing to hide. I put up with / gave in to several situations that I felt were privacy breaches in order to mend fences. Going forward I am being completely honest and upfront. I am not rehashing old business (we talked - several times, i have answered, move forward), Im standing my ground on FB (we are friends, she can see my posts and there is absolutely nothing unsavory going on) and I am not allowing anyone to look at my phone - period.
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