violetb4 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Hi, I tried online dating for a few months now and I am just so confused about online dating. I met this guy online and we got along like romeo and juliet, he was so handsome in his pics but when we met I had no sparks with him, he was like a brother or something. I met someone else online, he seemed really cool and nice but lately he has become very obsessive with text messaging, he won't leave me alone and constantly messages me to find out what I'm doing or what I'm thinking all day, he gets very upset when I don't him to message him that way. When I tell him I'm very busy, he gets upset and keeps asking me why I am busy, what I was busy with or whether I was talking to multiple guys at a time. I am so confused, this online dating thing is so weird, I can't really like someone or become a couple with them until we have met, spend time together and have sparks between us.
PegNosePete Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 I can't really like someone or become a couple with them until we have met, spend time together and have sparks between us. Well, of course. Hence the obvious conclusion is that you should meet as soon as possible, so you can either date them, or move on. Online dating is not meant to create online relationships. It's simply a different method of meeting real people in the real world. I met this guy online and we got along like romeo and juliet, he was so handsome in his pics but when we met I had no sparks with him, he was like a brother or something. Should have met him sooner... I met someone else online, he seemed really cool and nice but lately he has become very obsessive with text messaging Newsflash! You can encounter guys (or girls) that do this in the real world as well. It's nothing to do with online dating. It's just how that individual is. Don't expect instant results after 2 guys. It took me around 20-30 meetings to find my partner. You will not feel a spark with every guy you meet. Hence meet soon, and for a brief first meeting. If you feel a spark, schedule a proper date another time. 7
hippychick3 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Ditto to the above post. Just have fun with it, meet as soon as possible, block guys who text too much, and lower your expectations. Imagine walking into a busy bar and all the men sitting/standing around. Maybe 1 out of 50 is a suitable match for you...online dating is no different. All those men in all those bars are online. You're not going to like them all. Screen them well, meet for just a coffee/quick drink to see if you want to go on a real date, and don't get invested in anyone until you've gone on several dates.
kendahke Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) How much time generally transpires between first contact on the OLD site and when you meet them in person? If you're letting weeks go by before meeting them, then what you're doing is falling in love with your idea of who he is and not who he is. You create a whole narrative about them based on a photo which more than likely has nothing to do with the real person. He can't help but fall short of a fantasy he knows nothing about. The best thing to do in OLD is meeting them as soon as possible. It stops one's mind from building an artificial construct around who they think the person is, or more to the point: who you want them to be. He can only be who he is. Keep the texting to a minimum until you meet them face to face. Edited December 10, 2015 by kendahke 1
oberkeat Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) In many ways getting a relationship online is even harder than finding one offline. Online, women can't really get a sense of a man's game. All they have to go on is what they write in their profile. Also, its such a sausage fest; The average woman is getting messages from every dude with access to a computer, and it's easy for them to get ADD and move on to the next profile at the drop of a hat. A lot of gals become serial daters without even realizing it. Either that, or they bow out completely because they're overwhelmed by all the messages. Additionally, the majority of folks who do online dating, men and women, do online so they don't have to compete with men or women of higher value in the real world. Consequently, the majority of people you meet online will have some type of issue that's keeping them single and are undatable. I met girls with no personality, stds, resentment issues, serial daters, college dropouts, anxiety issues. And of course tons of overweight women. Looking back, none of the women I met online was relationship material. You're seeing the same thing with the men you're meeting. The OLD format is just too flawed. My advice is to OP is to ditch online dating altogether and focus on what you can do to get men's attention in the real world. Flirt with guys you are interested in. You might even make the first move and approach them first. If you do that, I guarantee you'll find a quality man eventually. Edited December 10, 2015 by oberkeat
Kamille Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) I'm finally having a positive experience with OLD. View the on-line site as a space of introduction, not romance. As others have said, meet within a reasonable time-frame of first contact. Hold off developing any romantic feelings until you meet in person. Consider the first in person meeting the "introduction", a meet and greet and not a date. Romance starts on date #2, because that's the date that indicates there's enough of a mutual interest for the two of you to want to see each other again. Practice assertiveness. You don't want to text all day, clearly tell him so. If the guy ignores your request to stop? He's done. Next. A stranger who doesn't listen to you won't miraculously turn into a respectful partner who listens to your needs and shows an ability to compromise. Don't waste your time. Choose. Depending on the platform you're using, browse in visible mode so that men can see you visited their profiles. Use the wink or like function to show interest. If you see a profile you really like, send him a line. This will increase the quality of your dates, take my word for it. Get comfortable with rejecting and rejection. Not everyone on the site will be a match for you. And that's fine. There's no reason to develop a negative attitude towards on-line dating because of that (as some here have). You're looking for the right match for you and increasing your chances of meeting him by including OLD as part of your strategies to meet men. You won't click with everyone. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them or anything wrong with you. It just means you're not compatible. Rejecting and rejection sucks, but you pick yourself up and you move on because it has very little to do with you. Edited December 10, 2015 by Kamille 1
insert_name Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 In many ways getting a relationship online is even harder than finding one offline. Online, women can't really get a sense of a man's game. All they have to go on is what they write in their profile. Also, its such a sausage fest; The average woman is getting messages from every dude with access to a computer, and it's easy for them to get ADD and move on to the next profile at the drop of a hat. A lot of gals become serial daters without even realizing it. Either that, or they bow out completely because they're overwhelmed by all the messages. Additionally, the majority of folks who do online dating, men and women, do online so they don't have to compete with men or women of higher value in the real world. Consequently, the majority of people you meet online will have some type of issue that's keeping them single and are undatable. I met girls with no personality, stds, resentment issues, serial daters, college dropouts, anxiety issues. And of course tons of overweight women. Looking back, none of the women I met online was relationship material. You're seeing the same thing with the men you're meeting. The OLD format is just too flawed. My advice is to OP is to ditch online dating altogether and focus on what you can do to get men's attention in the real world. Flirt with guys you are interested in. You might even make the first move and approach them first. If you do that, I guarantee you'll find a quality man eventually. Women also 'psych themselves out' before the first date very easily I find. I get texts before we are about to meet saying nonsense like "I can't wait to meet you!!1" or "I'm sooo excited about our date!!!1" which seems a bit ridiculous to me. The ones who have messaged crap like that I haven't seen again after the first date and that is after a few (reasonable length) messages over 3 or 4 days - it wasn't like we spent a month exchanging life stories before meeting. They whip themselves into a frenzy and you have no chance of living up to what is going on in their mind. I agree, everything I have learned from my own experiences and posts on here suggest that meeting someone for the first time through an activity or mutual friends brings a more relaxed and balanced dating experience. For those people who are not the best looking, irrespective of gender, OLD will bring a lot of heartache and uncertainty because the person you are chatting to no doubt has options and will be exploring them at the same time as they are talking to you and this leads to inconsistency in their actions that can leave you feeling confused and fed up. Thats simply how online dating works, you have to assume the person you are speaking to is multi-dating/always swiping right on some app. Seeing as this is the new normal I am constantly surprised that people who are active on OKC, Tinder etc are able to form lasting relationships because most (especially the women) seem to be addicted to the 'date > date > ghost' paradigm because there is always somebody new around the corner. It is really depressing how disposable people have become. 1
oberkeat Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Women also 'psych themselves out' before the first date very easily I find. I get texts before we are about to meet saying nonsense like "I can't wait to meet you!!1" or "I'm sooo excited about our date!!!1" which seems a bit ridiculous to me. The ones who have messaged crap like that I haven't seen again after the first date and that is after a few (reasonable length) messages over 3 or 4 days - it wasn't like we spent a month exchanging life stories before meeting. They whip themselves into a frenzy and you have no chance of living up to what is going on in their mind. I agree, everything I have learned from my own experiences and posts on here suggest that meeting someone for the first time through an activity or mutual friends brings a more relaxed and balanced dating experience. For those people who are not the best looking, irrespective of gender, OLD will bring a lot of heartache and uncertainty because the person you are chatting to no doubt has options and will be exploring them at the same time as they are talking to you and this leads to inconsistency in their actions that can leave you feeling confused and fed up. Thats simply how online dating works, you have to assume the person you are speaking to is multi-dating/always swiping right on some app. Seeing as this is the new normal I am constantly surprised that people who are active on OKC, Tinder etc are able to form lasting relationships because most (especially the women) seem to be addicted to the 'date > date > ghost' paradigm because there is always somebody new around the corner. It is really depressing how disposable people have become. Absolutely. I only ever met two people for whom online dating worked. I believe they are the rare exception rather than the rule. I think the majority of folks leave the whole online dating experience feeling more frustrated, jaded and bitter towards the opposite sex.
Kamille Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Absolutely. I only ever met two people for whom online dating worked. I believe they are the rare exception rather than the rule. I think the majority of folks leave the whole online dating experience feeling more frustrated, jaded and bitter towards the opposite sex. 25% of people who got married in between 2010 and 2014 met online, according to Christie Hartman. Aziz Ansari places the number at 30%. They both studied on-line dating. Apparently, it works pretty well for 1 in 4.
SwordofFlame Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Absolutely. I only ever met two people for whom online dating worked. I believe they are the rare exception rather than the rule. I think the majority of folks leave the whole online dating experience feeling more frustrated, jaded and bitter towards the opposite sex. I've noticed that the people who don't have trouble finding relationships offline do well online too. It's the people that struggle offline, also tend to struggle online. Maybe even for the same reasons?
oberkeat Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 25% of people who got married in between 2010 and 2014 met online, according to Christie Hartman. Aziz Ansari places the number at 30%. They both studied on-line dating. Apparently, it works pretty well for 1 in 4. Where are Aziz and Christie's sources? I believe those numbers are grossly inflated. Those aren't the numbers I've seen: "Even among Americans who have been with their spouse or partner for five years or less, fully 88% say that they met their partner offline–without the help of a dating site." 5 facts about online dating | Pew Research Center "5% of Americans who are currently married or in a long-term partnership met their partner somewhere online. Among those who have been together for ten years or less, 11% met online." Online Dating & Relationships | Pew Research Center
Kamille Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Where are Aziz and Christie's sources? I believe those numbers are grossly inflated. Those aren't the numbers I've seen: "Even among Americans who have been with their spouse or partner for five years or less, fully 88% say that they met their partner offline–without the help of a dating site." 5 facts about online dating | Pew Research Center "5% of Americans who are currently married or in a long-term partnership met their partner somewhere online. Among those who have been together for ten years or less, 11% met online." Online Dating & Relationships | Pew Research Center So, since the last five years have seen an increase of people who use on-line dating, we can say that 1 in 10 people met their partner on line according to the lowest estimates. That's still increasing your odds and shows that on-line dating works for some.
oberkeat Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 I've noticed that the people who don't have trouble finding relationships offline do well online too. It's the people that struggle offline, also tend to struggle online. Maybe even for the same reasons? This sounds completely counter-intuitive to me . Quality men and women who can get dates offline have no need for online dating. That's part of my point when I mentioned all the garbage I encountered meeting people online.
pteromom Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Online dating is only a tool to reach a bigger QUANTITY of prospective mates. It also can give you an idea of what the person is like (or at least what they want to show to the world.) But it doesn't guarantee success. Online, people are as flaky, weird, messed up, and manipulative as they are in person. You have to think of dating like a job interview. You aren't only looking for sparks - you are looking for a guy who seems to share your values, who you communicate well with, who is interested in you as a person, who is into growing a relationship with you, who shares common goals, and who you respect and understand as a person. You don't have to try to make a bad match fit. Just admit it is a bad match, and move on. You will likely have a LOT of bad dates and bad short-term relationships before you find one worth going the long haul with. 1
Robratory Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Hi, I tried online dating for a few months now and I am just so confused about online dating. I met this guy online and we got along like romeo and juliet, he was so handsome in his pics but when we met I had no sparks with him, he was like a brother or something. I met someone else online, he seemed really cool and nice but lately he has become very obsessive with text messaging, he won't leave me alone and constantly messages me to find out what I'm doing or what I'm thinking all day, he gets very upset when I don't him to message him that way. When I tell him I'm very busy, he gets upset and keeps asking me why I am busy, what I was busy with or whether I was talking to multiple guys at a time. I am so confused, this online dating thing is so weird, I can't really like someone or become a couple with them until we have met, spend time together and have sparks between us. If you don't think of it as "online dating," but instead think of it as "online meeting," then it's really not so different from regular dating. That guy you had no spark with? It could have happened anywhere. Your friend at work could say, "Hey, my cousin just moved to town, and he doesn't know anybody but me. Here's a picture of him. I can give him your number if you want." And so you go out with your friend's cousin, and there's no spark. It happens. As for that other guy, he appears insecure. Have you two defined your relationship? If not, you should, as soon as possible. If you're only seeing him, tell him so, but also tell him that he's smothering you. If you're not just seeing him, tell him as well, and tell him that he has to deal or bail, and that you'll understand either way.
Robratory Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Consequently, the majority of people you meet online will have some type of issue that's keeping them single and are undatable. I met girls with no personality, stds, resentment issues, serial daters, college dropouts, anxiety issues. And of course tons of overweight women. Looking back, none of the women I met online was relationship material. You're seeing the same thing with the men you're meeting. I agree mostly overall, but I'll point out a curious change at the higher age brackets. I'm over 50 and I actually prefer wide hips, so as long as they're pear-shaped, I'm fine with overweight women. And yet, in my age range, I find mostly skinny women I'm not at all interested in! I read it was because fat people don't make it as far as skinny people, but come on... we're talking 50s not 70s. Then I realized it was really about class. I realized that when I saw that many, many women over 50 on OKCupid and POF were actually pretty successful women (and successful people tend to be skinny). They owned homes, they talked about being executives or highly paid professionals, and the pictures reflected expensive surroundings. I can't believe they were all lying and sneaking into rich people's homes to take selfies. That's how the worm turns, I guess. A single successful woman in her 50s has a big disadvantage in the dating world because equally successful men their age are generally looking for much younger women. 1
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