Struggling to cope - falling apart

[dazed11]

Hi all

 

I've been on here years ago... 4 I think... And this site helped me a lot back then.

 

I figured out I had co-dependency issues and perhaps love addiction - I read books - I made improvements, and life was great. I met someone new - fell in love - and wow... What a killer blow to me. This time around this girl was the total opposite from what I had before, and I fell in love with the potential that she could be - and how I could help her...

 

In hindsight I guess I wasn't too ready to date again - but did it as I didn't want to be single anymore?! I really think I was ready.

 

Anyway, we dated for 8 months, she broke my character down - I thought she was the one, we broke up, got back together- the same thing again. Verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I've been in therapy and figured out it's similar pains to my childhood on how I was raised by my stepdad- hence my struggle to move away from the pain (ie. her)...

 

This time, 5 weeks ago we broke up - I mean, this whole year was a bugger up - and I was relieved when we broke up... Not happy - but relieved... But the last two weeks have been killing me, I'm in the same emotional state that i was at the beginning of the year - crying - not being able to get out of bed - and this feeling brings me back to where I was at the beginning of the year and whe hopelessness where I was a couple of years ago.

 

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some background re her/us, if interested, else skip:

Different backgrounds, she waiter, me professional in finance, I embraced her fun side and the fact that we both moved around a lot in our lives.

I've always been well dressed, good car, working out - I knew she had insecurities and being scared of being cheated on etc (from exes), hence I always tried to reassure her that she is the only one (I really thought she was the one in the short time we dated). Anyway, she then started breaking my character down - saying I'm horrible (it took me years to be 'ok' before that), that i am superficial by using eye cream, or dressing stylefully, and how bad i am for my sexual past and partners... I encouraged her to go study again - to pursue her potential, when we broke up she moved to the same city as me - and then started dating a dude a few weeks later, in the meantime she was texting me things how much she hates me and how horrible i am, that she will ruin my name in anyway possible, and even phoned my dad. anyway, she then started dating this model who was there for season, started sleeping with him - and then telling me about it. and that is where i lost it, i told her we should try again - as the pain without her was worse that being with her i thought.

 

however, all the respect i had for her i lost, as she was always breaking me down about those things she did, sleeping around, meeting on social media, meaningless sex etc.

 

we got back together, i was trying and she was cold towards me for the first few weeks - then she started warming up towards me, and then the same old cycle started again. she was jealous of the people in my class with me (went to business school), she didn't like anyone becasue they were all bad people etc.

 

yet, all i can think of is how she slept with him - which is still killing me and the fact that it didn't work out. I've got the whole story as well, in pretty much detail from the start to paint a better picture.

 

Pretty much everything was always an issue, everyone in my life said I should cut it asap (already last year and even more so this year)... Yet, the pain is so deep and so hardcore...

 

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I've worked so much on myself to fix myself, it really makes me so angry that i am at the space place again.

 

Fruthermore, I had some support systems last year and the year before but this year I moved back to the city.

 

Oh, I'm 30.

 

The problem is this december I'll visit my dad (actually here now as I don't want to sit alone at the flat and here is a dog which keeps me company) and she also lives a few towns away (as it is summer here) it brings back memories to the previous december that she and I spend together, as well as all the places I enjoy going to I am avoiding due to being scared of bumping into her.

 

 

It's killing me - and I am struggling to cope - I am falling into a hardcore depression, again, I am trying to excercise, hence at my dads to keep my mind off it - but I am just thinking "it wasn't that bad with her"... But I know it was. I know it doesn't work, as she still is the same person - and makes my life hell - yet, I guess I miss her - or the idea of her - and I am falling apart... Getting suicidal thoughts, again, wondering about the future and just wondering - how the hell do I get this to stop? How can I just get over her? Why can't I...

 

Help? Advice?

 

(I've gone no contact since we broke up, all the other times when we broke up she used to text me, and tell me how horrible I was, or how sorry she was, or that she was seeing someone new - hence this time I blocked her on pretty much everything that I could)...

 

I hope this all makes sense.

[dazed11]

PS: it was an emotional relationship that had its toll on me - I know I'm better off without her.

 

I miss her. I don't want to.

 

and I am really really struggling - how do I cope?

 

(I think this summarises it)

[Mcnulty]

She sounds like borderline personality disorder. Look up the info on here on it, it really opened my eyes up to the abuse I was going through.

 

She is narcissistic and passive aggressive, with an inferiority complex.

 

Like me, yes, you have to go NC strictly and stick to it. Time...the time when she isn't the first thing you think of when you wake will come eventually..like you I must hope for that moment to come..when it does, then we're making progress.

[Downtown]

Dazed, welcome back to the LoveShack forum. I agree with McNulty that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums and drama, lack of impulse control, low empathy, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, instead, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

She started warming up towards me, and then the same old cycle started again.

You are describing the repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back that is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer (i.e., person having strong BPD traits). It occurs because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible for you to back away from triggering one of her fears without starting to trigger the other fear.

 

As you draw close to assure her of your love, for example, you will trigger a BPDer's engulfment fear because, although BPDers crave intimacy, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, she will quickly feel like you're trying to control her -- and she will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed. She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering her abandonment fear. Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you were always in a lose/lose situation. You lost no matter what you did.

 

She had insecurities and being scared of being cheated on. I always tried to reassure her.

As I noted above, this is to be expected if she has strong BPD traits because abandonment is one of a BPDer's two great fears. As to your efforts to "reassure her," they were certain to fail if she is a BPDer. Because a BPDer is filled with self loathing, she lives in fear that -- even if her BF seems to love her at this very moment -- he will immediately abandon her when he eventually finds out how empty she is on the inside.

 

The result is that a BPDer will administer $h!t testing periodically to see if you are still loyal and committed. That is, she will deliberately do something to offend you to see how you react. Sadly, passing one of these tests accomplishes nothing. The only result is that she will raise the hoop higher the next time you are challenged to jump through it.

 

She didn't like anyone because they were all bad people.

If she is a BPDer, she is so emotionally immature that she cannot handle the strong conflicting feelings and ambiguities inherent in all interpersonal relationships. A BPDer therefore simplifies things -- as a young child will do -- by categorizing everyone as "all good" (white) or "all bad" (black). And she may recategorize someone -- in only ten seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other, based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

This behavior -- called "black-white thinking" -- is one of the protective ego defenses we all rely on heavily during our childhoods. Indeed, it continues to be protective occasionally throughout adulthood as long as we don't overuse it. Do you recall the time you were walking across a street and suddenly looked up to see a truck bearing down on you? Well, in that instant, your mind was capable of thinking only "jump left" or "jump right." In that way, our brains are essentially "hard wired" to instantly revert to B-W thinking whenever we are startled or experience intense feelings such as anger or infatuation.

 

Indeed, by the time we are high school, we all know our judgment goes out the window whenever our feelings are intense. This is why we try to keep our mouths shut whenever we are very angry. BPDers are like this too -- only, with them, it is times ten or twenty. This occurs not because they are "bad people" but, rather, because they experience intense feelings far more frequently. Because those intense feelings impair their judgment (replacing it with B-W thinking), they have a distorted perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. This is why BPD is said to be a "thought distortion."

 

She was.... verbally, emotionally and physically abusive.

The KEY feature of BPD behavior is the inability to regulate one's own emotions, resulting in a frequent surge of intense feelings (as occurs with any 3- or 4-year-old child). Moreover, these intense feelings tend to last a long time (typically, 4 or 5 hours) because BPDers, like children, lack the emotional skills to do self soothing. The result is that BPDers typically are emotionally and verbally abusive. Indeed, a large share of them become physically abusive too.

 

As to the physical abuse you mention, I note that the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

She was texting me things how much she hates me and how horrible i am, that she will ruin my name in anyway possible.

As I said above, she is unable to handle strong mixed feelings and ambiguities if she has strong BPD traits. She therefore will flip between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or even hating you). While she is "splitting you black," her subconscious mind puts all of her loving feelings completely out of reach of her conscious mind. It therefore is common for a BPDer to split a loved one so black that she perceives of him as Hitler incarnate -- and she will treat him accordingly, becoming very vindictive and mean.

 

I am falling into a hardcore depression.... I am really really struggling.

If you actually dated a BPDer for nearly a year, consider yourself lucky that you only feel "depressed" and "struggling." Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious -- by far -- for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, therapists see far more of those folks coming in (to find out if they are going crazy) than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

This "crazy making" behavior of BPDers is so well known that the "Nons" (i.e., nonBPD partners) have given it a name: gaslighting. It is named after the classic 1944 movie "Gaslight," in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to get her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with her family jewels. One of his many tricks is to turn the home's gas lights down a tiny bit every day -- all the while claiming that he is able to see and read just fine.

 

Actually, the vast majority of the crazy making behavior of BPDers is not really intended to make you feel crazy. Rather, it is the result of their subconscious minds protecting their fragile egos by projecting all their mistakes and shortcomings onto their spouses.

 

The beauty of projection -- and the reason that BPDers rely on it so heavily -- is that it occurs entirely at the subconscious level, allowing the BPDers to be adamantly convinced the projections are true. Hence, unlike lies (which BPDers will do when trapped), the projections are entirely guilt free -- an important attribute to folks who are filled with so much self loathing that guilt is a very painful experience.

 

I mention all of this to explain why it is so confusing and disorienting to fall in love with a BPDer. Namely, the confusion largely arises because the BPDer partners sincerely believe the outrageous accusations coming out of their mouths. And a week later, when the BPDer is now claiming the exact opposite, she likely is convinced that is true too. The nonBPD partners therefore are left thinking that they must have done something wrong to cause their spouses to be so upset.

 

I figured out I had co-dependency issues and perhaps love addiction.

I suspect you may be an excessive caregiver like me. If so, your problem is not that you want to help people but, rather, that you keep doing it when it is to your great detriment. That is, you have such great empathy that you become enmeshed with your loved one -- to the extent you forget to take care of yourself because you lose sight of where your problems stop and hers begin. Hence, if you are like me, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are).

 

Help? Advice?

Dazed, I suggest you follow McNulty's advice and read about BPD red flags to see if they cast light on your situation. Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

An easy place to start reading is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join McNulty in discussing them with you. Take care, Dazed.

[dazed11]

Thanks Downtown and Mcnulty

 

Firstly, wow - I really typed high level info only - as I didn't want to focus too much on that - but rather myself. But yes - if I tell you more about the relationship you lot will nod and think "yup, we were right". It really, really was bad - and the worst part is or was - is that I thought she is the one I'll end up with and originally I was excited about it...

 

One thing I didn't mention was that I was a broken man at the end of last year and when we broke up at the beginning of this year... I lost the sense of who I was - am I allowed to think like this or am I a bad person due to that? I was totally gonners... I was confused, dazed, shocked, and in a sense I was angry - as i worked so hard have gotten myself to where I was before we started dating.

 

So yes, she did get it right to make me believe if I was going mad.

 

At that stage I was living close to my dad - who commented on my changing behaviours last year, as well as a close work colleague whom I shared a lot with. She told me I am not mad - everytime I asked her if I was the worst person on earth of being like I was towards the now exgf... Hence I really was losing my mind and it felt like death after the first breakup.

 

She really got it right.

 

However, having had another go at the relationship, it was somehow an corrective experience in the sense that I at least realised "hold on, I am NOT a bad guy" - "I am not as bad as she paints me out to be"... So in that sense I had a good realisation, to say the least.

 

So, thank you so much for the informative read - as well as support - and advice... I'll indulge in the above mentioned links. I just hate the feeling that I wake up thinking about her ... Or have to go through all of this emotional stuff, just because I loved someone and wanted her to be happy

 

But hey, that's how we learn I guess...

[dazed11]

PS, Downtown:

 

I've been reading through the articles of James, Rebel etc. and I just would like to add two things: I've been spending some time on shrink4men, where I first understood 'her behaviour' a bit better. And secondly, everytime I tried self growth books, or offering to take her to a shrink she refused - and really made my life hell, as I was seeing one - to the fact where I started feeling "guilty" of seeing my professional. Man, urgh, just thinking back to those times makes me angry and frustrated.

 

Everything that i could say right now you have mentioned, or others who have experienced it... It's just so damn frustrating for having loved someone - but just being pushed away and broken down. She had this thing last year when she went into a crazy mode that here eyes got so 'wild'... as if she totally disappeared and being incredibly mean, irrational and simply crazy.

 

Accusations that were so far fetched they there humorous...

[dazed11]

Below is a reply on when I was trying to make sense of all the madness in a sense, when it came to the ending stages the 2nd time around that I posted on another help forum - it's in more detail... For those who want to read this..

 

The above post was written on the 10th of November or so - so ignore the timelines... As the breakup occurred beginning of november.

 

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Hi everyone

 

I have been an active reader since meeting my now ex, lets call her Fruit. In the tough months I read this, all day, every day. A couple of months ago I tried writing a post, indulged in a bottle of wine, wrote 10 or so pages on word and realised that's too long for everyone to read.

 

Below is a brief summary of the "past" ... and then I guess my question is - help me not to go back to her.

 

I'm 30, she is 26. I met her in March 2014, she was a waitress, me a professional in the financial industry, living in a small town. Hence a scarcity of good looking girls with some brains.

 

We hit it off - as we have both moved around a lot in our lives and could relate. We started dating, I knew she wasn't right for me - too negative, too insecure, too angry, too many issues, but hell - I could see how amazing she could be - I could relate to all her issues, as I have been through the same stuff in my life.

 

Where I grew up, being abused verbally, physically and emotionally by my stepfather. It took me ages to make peace with it - and to move forward, so I knew she could do the same.

 

I should have seen the signs from the start: that when I went for drinks with friends during the week she was upset as I only told her when I arrived in town, and she said the place I go to is where I used to go when I was single to hook up with girls. I had one drink and raced to her, to reassure her she is my priority.

 

Or how I stopped seeing my friends less, as she didn't like them, or their values, as they sleep around, occasionally did drugs, they gymed too much, and were too superficial. They were bad people. According to her. In a way when I did see my friends for a coffee, it was also a problem, and then she acted weird towards me.

 

Or the fact that she spoke non stop about all her long term exe's she had...

 

She was fun though - as she enjoyed a good drink, she enjoyed going to the beach, and introduced a facet of fun into my life - where I impose strict rules as I was working and studying part time. I embraced that fun-factor of hers, and the fact that I could relate to her.

 

She then started breaking me down, about my character, that I am a bad person as I have been to strip clubs, and its morally wrong. to which I said, it was with my ex, and when i was single... Not sneaking behind her - she said she had left guys for less than that - and actually once dumped a guy that went to strip clubs.

 

I asked her to move in with me - because she was having so much trouble with her mom, and the place where she was staying. To get her out of that bad system.

 

She then attacked me further and said the only reason why I go to the gym is to pick up girls, as its a 'fk fest'... I started training less, drinking more, and becoming unhappy as whatever I did, was a problem, Hence I started playing to her rules to decrease friction and being in trouble.

 

She then said why I put face cream on, and a real man wouldn't do that - or why I dress in a good way... I embraced her dressing plainly, and her humble appearance and way of thinking, as I was too materialistic.

 

Whenever I took her out somewhere she got angry - and fought with me - as I did something wrong - when a girl spoke to me, or a I looked at a girl (The girl stood infront of me, hence I couldn;t look anywhere else)... She accused me of pretty much everything and anything - yet I couldn't let go as I knew she could change... And in a way that hurt, I couldn't get away from it.

 

She then got angrier, more physical and just plain crazy at times - when I could see her eyes go "crazy". Insane. She told me how she hates people who have cheated, have done drugs, have had sex without being in a relationship and and and... oh, and her ex beat her and broke her ribs (when she was early 20's.)

 

She went out and did coke one eve... I thought, really now...

 

My one farewell function we drank a lot, she was angry as I walked around in the club without her, when we left and in the car she went hysterical - I shook her to come right... I might have even raised my hand - which is not who I am... Then when we got out at home, she tok a golf club and hit me... Where I blocked my it with my arm.

 

I hated the person I am around her - the anger, and that I have become phyiscal.

 

She broke up with m2 weeks later-same ever she started texting me that she is sorry. I met someone, my friends sister, who was sweet and amazing and kissed her. The coming days I went to see my ex again, as it was finally holiday and we could lie at the beach again. I said lets try it slow, and see each other once or twice a week, she became angry and said no- everyday.

 

It came out that I was texting the other girl I kissed, and then I got a few more slaps. I went to my car - and I drove off. She then swore at me, telling me I am scum, that all the secrets she knows about me - she will tell the whole world and ruin my name.

 

 

The same eve she asked to try again - and I said no, it was hurting, but I think it was better... I knew it was better off without her...

 

I moved away to a city, I knew she would move here too, as I encouraged her to go back to studies and do what she is passionate about.

 

My course started and I was devastated. I lost all my self esteem, my selfworth, I didn't know from right and wrong anymore and I felt sad, heartbroken, yet I hoped she was ok - that she would be ok in the city, as she didn't have a car, not too many friends, not much money.

 

I was thinking about her - hoping she is fine.

 

Randomly I get texts from her, swearing at me - again telling me how bad I am... Then I didn't hear from her for a week or 2... Then she started telling me that she will start sleeping around, and she will again ruin my life and ensure that my name is worth nothing...

 

I blocked her on every media i could, but it hurt so much and I felt so emotional. To which I wrote her a long email, telling her I care for her, and and and and... She replied - saying she started dating someone new. To which I thought the pain is probably leess with her - than without her... I went to meet up - knot in my tummy. She told me how she met this guy over tinder, and started dating him, a model, who is going back overseas in a short time.

Everything that she hated in life - and about me - that she broke me down about whjilst dating, whilst me loving her - she went to go sleep with... just like that ...

 

I said lets meet up, but she had plans with him, again, and then a couple of days later she said she would like to try with me again... and then she was cold and harsh towards me. In those 10 days after I saw her again I lost the little love I had for her, as I lost my own respect, that I took her back after she was spending the weekend with the guy, again, whilst I begged her to come back - pathetic of me - and then the harshness towards me - the coldness - I really started hating her for the pain she has caused me since I met her.

 

yet I couldn't move away from her. Everytime I tried breaking up with her, she texted or would come back. The sex used to be amazing - but became less and less good as well, as I couldn't come over the other guy she had.

 

I told her that this time around I will live my life as I see fit - with my friends and she can be part of it -or walk away. I said "fit in - or leave"... I said 'don't be that abusive, or its over"...

 

Then we went back to our old cycle... Her physical abuse got worse - ten times worse, I became someone who lost his cool regularly, who was filled up with frustration, as everytime I did open my heart up and tried she stepped on it and as per the previous year, fought over something. I drank too much, again, stopped training, again, had a car accident, but, it was comfortable.

even though i didn't want her anymore- as there was just too much drama.

 

Anyway, it was on-off, fight, go home, start over as she would txt me the same eve.

 

I knew it was over a long time ago - I knew we would walk away evantually, the few times I did, I couldn't resist her when she came back.

Now, 10 days ago she walked away - she said she doesn't love me anymore, and is not happy with me.

 

I said I know. I dropped her at home.

 

And drove off.

 

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Yet, everyday I am thinking about her.

 

I blocked her on whatsapp, as i was scared she would contact me again (as she always did). And I deleted her number 2 days ago.

I am not as confused and heartbroken as the first time around, as I know she right for me.

Yet I forget the aspects of how much pain was caused, how much drama, accusations, Fear, obligation and guilt... Of the person I became when I was with her. I started becoming my stepfather - who lost his temper on a regular basis... Who was violent...

I miss her, as she will be in the same region where I am in december (summer time for us)... At times I feel sorry for her again, and thinking, "oh my dear fruit"... Then I get back to my senses, and think "WTF"...

 

Realisation:

The pain she inflicted on me, is the same pain of hate and love - than what my stepfather inflicted on me growing up - all the abuse - and hence I think I couldn't move away from her...

 

But after all this pain and hurt from her - I still miss her and I froget that its better without her...

 

I feel like I need to get out on tinder, or dates, but am scared that I will see her profile again on tinder... or that I will end up with the wrong girl, too soon, again...

 

And I am more sad than what I thought I would be... BUT, I don't feel as guilty as after the first breakup...

 

Comments, critical aspects?

 

 

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The above post was written on the 10th of November or so - so ignore the timelines... As the breakup occurred beginning of november.

Edited December 14, 2015 by dazed11
timelines

[Downtown]

She had this thing last year when she went into a crazy mode that here eyes got so 'wild'... as if she totally disappeared and being incredibly mean, irrational and simply crazy.

Yes, Dazed, I know exactly what you're talking about. I saw it myself -- perhaps 7 or 8 times in the 15 years I was living with my BPDer exW. It happened when she had split me so coal-black that she perceived me to be Hitler incarnate. She therefore was looking at me with an expression -- centered in her eyes -- of pure hatred. Hatred so intense that I'd never seen such anger and icy coldness in anyone else's eyes to that degree.

 

Over the past 8 years, I have communicated with several ex-partners who have said the same thing -- saying they had never seen such intense hatred in anyone's face before this happened to them -- i.e., being looked at like you are the spawn of the devil himself.

 

Accusations that were so far fetched they there humorous.

A BPDer experiences feelings so intense that they greatly distort her perception of your intentions and motivations. This is why BPD is said to be a "thought disorder." The result is that it is common for an angry BPDer to make such absurd allegations that you will simply marvel that any adult is capable of saying such things while holding a straight face.

 

Everything that she hated in life - and about me - that she broke me down about whjilst dating, whilst me loving her - she went to go sleep with... just like that.

A large share of the abused ex-partners express amazement that their BPDer lovers have left them for people having a lifestyle that the BPDers earlier had claimed to hate. As you now know from your reading, this occurs because BPDers -- having a weak sense of who they are -- seek out someone with a strong personality who will provide the missing identity. And the BPDers typically are quite flexible in the wide variety of identities they are comfortable with. This is one reason that BPDers usually move effortlessly among various groups of people and seem to fit right in.

 

I've been spending some time on shrink4men, where I first understood 'her behaviour' a bit better.

The blogs by Tara Palmatier, like those of Shari Schreiber, are targeted only to men and do provide some useful information. My only objection to the blogs of those two women is that they confuse BPDers with narcissists and sociopaths, failing to properly distinguish among them. Of course, this is not a problem if your BPDer happens to also have strong traits of narcissism or sociopathy. But most do not.

 

The result of lumping all those folks together is that readers will mistakenly think that BPDers -- like the narcissists and sociopaths -- are unable to love and are extremely manipulative people who frequently lie, cheat, and deliberately try to drive you crazy. My experience, however, is that BPDers are able to love (albeit in an immature fashion) and most of them don't cheat and rarely tell a lie. Moreover, as I discussed in a post above, the BPDers' "crazymaking effect" generally is not due to a deliberate gaslighting attempt but, rather, to the projections and distortions arising in a BPDer's subconscious.

 

As to the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths, most BPDers are absolutely convinced this nonsense is true. And a week later when they are saying exactly the opposite, they likely will be absolutely convinced that is true too. As to the manipulation, BPDers try very hard to control their partners' lives but -- because they are so impulsive and reactionary to current feelings -- they generally aren't very good at manipulation. To be successful, manipulation usually requires careful planning and flawless execution. This, at least, is my experience.

[dazed11]

Downtown, I must say that your input - links - and other threads have openend up a different aspect, so I thank you for that. As I know she did love me in a certain way, even though the girl I dated before her - was a different love.

 

After the first major breakup Jan to March (as you know there are numerous small threats inbetween), I really had struggled with this, as I've mentioned, but this time around I'm just sad - less so that the first time, yet still affecting... Back then I was so upset at her being upset - so lost, and character being broken down - and that's why I assume (or know) that I have got the anger towards her at this stage.

 

I think I had a dip for two weeks now that was unbearable, now it seems more manageable. Ofcourse, it's still a long month ahead and hopefully I don't bump into her.

 

But again, something that you have said, either on my blog, or on the others just gave me some sense of comfort, as strange as it may seem. Some kind of realisation - again. And just as you are putting it into some words, that, that does help a lot...

 

In a way I've got a few new websites to work through (that you've advised).

 

As I started this post out- I've made the logical realisation, it's still good to read things and remind myself thereof at times, which helps.

 

Oh, yes, before I forget, I am inclined to playing the saviour, as you mentioned Downtown. So pretty much everything you've been writing is spot-on...

 

I still think of her, too much, way too much, but at the moment, after having read this I'm not that sad - which is a good start I believe.

 

Thanks - for putting the effort in in replying. This website has done wonders for me before, and it is again...

[dazed11]

If I sound like a broken record, I apologise.

 

I just got back from the gym, and one thing keeps bothering me - since she and I got back together - the other guy she had.

 

Even when we started dating, her exes bothered me and I never knew why. Perhaps because she couldn't stop talking about them - really - I've never heard someone refer to their exes that much, as well as bad mouthing them when I addressed her about it.

 

Anyway, the point is I am angry for the pain she has caused me - and what I allowed her to cause me - and than that i didn't stop it last year already, but instead felt pity for her - and then this year I went back to her - throwing away my dignity - then for trying and everything being a bugger up again - for that I am angry at myself and hurt - and that is what has been bothering me since we broke up. Plus the fact that everything that she EVER said was pretty much a lie.

 

And that hurts...

 

Those are the thoughts that come back to me, more often than what they should... and those are the thoughts that get the better of me...

[Downtown]

Plus the fact that everything that she EVER said was pretty much a lie.

Lying is a narcissistic trait, not a BPD trait. Hence, if "everything" she said was a lie, you are describing the warning signs for narcissism (or perhaps sociopathy). As I tried to explain above, BPDers typically lie only when painted into a corner. Because they are filled with shame carried from childhood, the last thing they want is more guilt -- as would occur with telling lies.

 

The result is that a BPDer usually doesn't have to lie because her subconscious protects her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It does this by projecting all mistakes and misdeeds onto you, allowing her to consciously believe that YOU are the source. This is why I said earlier that a BPDer usually believes the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. It is that sincerity and deep conviction that makes the crazymaking effect of BPDers far stronger than that of narcissists. At your core, you know this person really did love you and that she seems to be sincerely convinced you are harming her.

 

This is not to say, however, that having strong BPD traits rules out lying. My experience is that BPDers will lie when in a corner to avoid the pain of experiencing shame. Moreover, a third of the female, full-blown BPDers also exhibit full-blown narcissism (see Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP). Most people having one PD also suffer from one or two others as well. My point then is that, if you are seeing a BPDer lying frequently, it likely is because she also exhibits strong narcissism.

 

I am angry for the pain she has caused me.

Good. Anger is a basic ego defense that, when used properly, has strong protective effects. I therefore encourage you to hold on to your anger and nurse it, using it like a crutch to walk away -- and stay away -- from this toxic relationship. Then, a year or two later -- when you no longer need it -- you should kick that crutch aside and let go of your anger. For excessive caregivers like us (who tend to sacrifice our own welfare in a futile attempt to rescue people who don't want to be rescued), anger may be the only thing that allows us to walk away.

 

As you know all too well, the notion of giving up on a sick loved one -- even when that is EXACTLY what we should do -- is anathema to our way of thinking. It goes against our religious views, ethics, family values, and sense of purpose -- indeed, against every fiber of our being. Hence, righteous anger presents our best chance of getting out and breaking that toxic cycle.

[dazed11]

merry merry christmas

 

 

Hi all - so it's been nearly 2 months, I'm on anti-depressants since the last 2 weeks and been trying to visit more friends, and spending time at my dads... Just not to be alone.

 

I drove past her home town onroute to friends of mine, where I thought I saw her walking in the street holding hands with some guy. Perhaps it wasn't her.

Then on the way back that evening I'm 99% sure I saw her car infront of me - which I overtook.

Then a day later (yesterday) I got a text (I blocked her iMessage stuff, but not the cell number for normal SMS's I see - as I removed her number before blocking it - smart, I know)...

 

It said "Just wanted to wish you a merry christmas. Fruit"

 

I replied later that eve, saying "merry christmas to you too and all the best for 2016".

 

She replied "Thank you :)"

"Thank you so much. Christmas Blessings. X"

 

Funny thing is, I was thinking about her the whole of yesterday, against my will obviously.

 

It caught me offguard, had knots in my tummy, I still take long showers in the morning - I still sleep late not really keen to get up. I think, I know, things are better - but the last couple of days are a bit rough again.

 

Prob best to block that number as well - as that is the last gap she had to contact me.

 

I do feel weak the last two days, I must admit.

 

And even when I just drove through that area where she lived, and where I used to hangout, it made me so anxious.

 

I am drinking too much as well though - but it makes the evenings better.

[Downtown]

merry merry christmas.... I think, I know, things are better - but the last couple of days are a bit rough again.... I do feel weak the last two days, I must admit.

Merry Christmas to you too, Dazed! Thanks for giving us another update. As to your feeling "a bit rough" and "weak" over the past two days, please don't worry about it. It sounds like you're doing fine -- very well, indeed, in your healing process. Like recovering from a broken leg, your healing will NOT proceed in a steady, linear path. Instead, it will take place in fits and starts. This means that, on some days, you will wake up in the morning and feel like you are right back at square one, having made no progress at all.

 

When that feeling occurs -- and it WILL occur occasionally -- don't believe it. It is just a feeling. You rode a roller coaster of emotion getting yourself INTO that toxic relationship so don't expect to take a smooth train ride getting out.

 

Meanwhile, be proud of yourself for walking away and be thankful for how quickly the "old Dazed" has returned. After having lost yourself for nearly a year, you can celebrate -- come January 1 -- how rapidly you've been able to start behaving like your old self again. That's what happens when you stop walking on eggshells around an unstable woman.

[dazed11]

Downtown, you honestly are a shining light in-between everything else, as well as the whole community.

 

Firstly, thanks for this reminder that it takes time. I was aware of it - but then I thought I hit a low a few days ago, but, Murphy's law I guess ensured that it got trumped by her message to me.

 

I did wake up today - and did block that number of hers as well.

 

Also, thanks for the last sentence where you said "that's what happens when you stop walking on eggshells around an unstable woman"...

 

I kinda forgot about it