KatGirl Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Disclaimer: This is a long and complicated, unconventional situation. So be warned. Hello everyone. I am new here but I found this site because obviously I was recently involved in a break up. I searched for a place where I could talk to people objectively (I've found that complete strangers are very objective because friends tend to be a little biased but I could be wrong.) Where do I begin? I don't believe my relationship with my ex was exactly conventional. He and I met online but really it was by accident. We did not meet in a chatroom or on an online dating service. We met through a creative writing forum. Basically it was a site that allowed you to submit little blurbs/poems/stories/etc. He had written something that provoked my thought and I e-mailed him, but it was never my intention to start a relationship out of it. (At the time I was quite used to being single and alone/un-attached.) Well of course we starting talking more and realized that there was a strange connection. Something just really clicked. I was in school at the time and he is in the US Air Force. Obviously we were not located near each other. Eventually it came to the point where we decided to meet in person. The rest was history. After that there were a few more visits. At the time that we started talking I was pursuing an art degree but I began to quickly realize that it was not for me. It just didn't fit in terms of something I could see myself doing everyday for the rest of my life. I realized that while I loved art, it wasn't what I wanted to DO in terms of a career. So I knew that eventually I was going to have to switch schools (I was at an art school) and majors. After the 3rd time we visited each other (distance was about 1500 miles) he was notified that he was being deployed to Saudi Arabia. I was terrified. His specialty in the air force is nothing that would really put him in harm's way but we were both kind of scared because the base he was being sent to had one of its dormitories bombed in the past - killing many of the young men who were sleeping/living inside. What was supposed to be a 90 day deployment was extended to 6 monthes. Eventually it was over. During that time we grew REALLY close. It really made us realize how much we genuinely loved each other. It was then that we decided we wanted to try moving in together and really try having a relationship. This decision on my part was not easy because I was the one who had to move. I realized how much I would have missed my home (California) but in my heart I didn't want to be left wondering "what if". I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to study college-wise so I did not want to commit myself to a program in school only to end up pulling out later because I rushed it. I am currently 23 and all I have right now is an AA degree in general education (lower division requirements for most 4 year universities). When I moved out there I got a car and a job (very limited in terms of what was available). We ended up living together for 2 years... the last 2 monthes of the relationship things were hard though. I had been working in a bank for over a year and decided I wanted to pursue a bachelor's in finance/accounting. So then I started to tell him that I was considering making the arrangements to go to school there (in Arkansas where we were living and he was stationed.) He really does love me and I know that he wanted me to be happy but this idea kind of scared him. Thinking about it now I realize that he does have some commitmentphobia. We started talking about it and he said that he doesn't think he is really cut out for a long term commitment that was needed or even marriage. He went so far as to say that if he were only the "marrying" type he would have married me. I was baffled by all of this. Before I even moved out there we talked about it and both of our intentions were to see if the relationship would lead to something more serious like marriage. I would have never put so much on the line if I felt it was just some "fling" or dead end relationship. There is a lot more that makes it even more complicated. He has a lot of issues with his own parents' failed marriage mostly due to the actions of his mother. (She cheated on his dad & made her son cover for her whereabouts when he was like 10 yrs old.) There is a lot more and to this day he doesn't even talk to her. I don't know if that has a lot to do with this or not, but even his own father who I have talked to a few times thinks that these issues are going to always interfere with his son's relationships. So what I have done? Well when we realized that the situation was not working I decided that I should probably move back to California. I miss the friends I've made in AR but my immediate family lives here and they never really wanted me to leave in the first place. It has been frustrating because they don't understand what really happened (they are from a foreign country and an older generation) in terms of the relationship. I have had several people say to me: "So he says he loves you and you love him...why couldn't you guys just work out the school/money/etc. stuff?" When it all comes down it I honestly was willing to work that out but he just wanted to pull away and push me away. Right now we have only talked a few times on the phone just to make sure each other was doing okay. It has been 2 weeks. I am thinking about NC at this point. We both still have feelings but I am not sure what else to do. He feels a little guilty somehow. I think he doesn't like the fact that we met unconventionally and I moved to try to make our relationship work. He said once he felt like he was holding me back... but whenever I brought up starting school there he was uneasy about it because that would have been a bigger commitment than just working somewhere due to seeing school through to graduation. I don't know. I guess I just want some opinions/thoughts. I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps right now. My esteem isn't so low that I think I'll never find anyone again. It's just that this is the only relationship I've been in where we broke up despite loving each other. It confuses the hell out of me. I don't want to cling to any hope that we'll work this out -- maybe in a few years when we're older and our lives are a little straighter in terms of career - school and/or his military term being up. I realize that there's a lot of changes that have to take place in order for the relationship to work and I honestly don't know if those will even take place. I guess that's all I have to say. I feel like I'm a basketcase or something. I still love him and everything but I just wish that we had not let external circumstances ruin our relationship.
curly Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Unfortunately, it sounds like your relationship took a nosedive. While he may have feelings for you and wanted to see what would occur between the two of you, he realized at some point that you were not the one for him. Men want to love someone, they want to feel loved. It matters what his parents did but if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He would not let you leave to move back. I feel bad for you. This hurts, I know. But your best choice is to take advantage of the fact that you are no longer in the same state. Better to keep moving. Try not to think about him. Don't try to figure out why, just accept that it is over. Yes, I know it's much easier said than done. Just keep trying... I'm working through a broken heart as well and I've found a phrase that keeps my head sort of straight. "if someone can walk away from you, let them walk." Good luck.
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