How strict did you go about NC after the break up?

[xuanqi1988]

I am curious if it is possible to implement the NC rule strictly from Day 1 after the break up, or did you all at least try to get them back like i did? Is it more common for the dumper or the dumpee to break the NC rule?

Post your experience here in regards to how many days after the break up did you start NC and what you had done before hand that you think might have ruined your chance of ever getting back together again.

Here is mine. Currently I am on Day 37 post BU.

 

Break up day: said the sex was bad just to get on his nerves

 

Day 6: invited by his friend to join his Salsa Facebook group, which made him upset with his friend, so I Initiate contact and fought over the right to stay, then apologized begged him to speak to me on the phone

 

Day 7: Showed up at his apartment because he didn't seem to want to meet me. Acted like nothing happened then cried and slept with him.

 

Day 8~9: kept talking to him like the break up never happened. initiated contact while he was friendly but was obviously trying to keep a distance ( no more cute name calling etc)

 

Day 10: Friend told me he showed up at a salsa party he was at, so I asked him about it. He got offended and thought I was stalking him.

 

Day 11: texted him to tell him what I was up to and asked to see him, only to be told he was busy that weekend

 

Day 17: texted him to offer help for job hunting (he wants to stay in Australia so needs sponsorship), and asked to catch up the next day, only to be told he would be working

 

Day 23: Confronted him over some incidents regarding mutual friends, while he was hanging out with a girl. He (and everyone else) obviously thought I was jealous of the girl, while I later found out they were just friends

 

Day 34: He found out that I had been talking to his friends about him and asking what the group were up to (which a stopped doing so about a week earlier). Now he thinks I am a stalker.

Haven't spoken to his friends about him ever since. I want to know if what I did was really bad and he won't even want to talk to me again?

Edited December 10, 2015 by xuanqi1988

[Amelie1980]

Day of break up, let rip at him and told him what I thought of his behavior. Made some comments about him personally but it as constructive and not vindictive or abusive.

 

A couple of weeks later i asked about my clothes and he offered to mail them to me. i didnt want him having my new address so i left it and that was it.

[Amelie1980]

I am curious if it is possible to implement the NC rule strictly from Day 1 after the break up, or did you all at least try to get them back like i did? Is it more common for the dumper or the dumpee to break the NC rule?

Post your experience here in regards to how many days after the break up did you start NC and what you had done before hand that you think might have ruined your chance of ever getting back together again.

Here is mine. Currently I am on Day 37 post BU.

 

Break up day: said the sex was bad just to get on his nerves

 

Day 6: invited by his friend to join his Salsa Facebook group, which made him upset with his friend, so I Initiate contact and fought over the right to stay, then apologized begged him to speak to me on the phone

 

Day 7: Showed up at his apartment because he didn't seem to want to meet me. Acted like nothing happened then cried and slept with him.

 

Day 8~9: kept talking to him like the break up never happened. initiated contact while he was friendly but was obviously trying to keep a distance ( no more cute name calling etc)

 

Day 10: Friend told me he showed up at a salsa party he was at, so I asked him about it. He got offended and thought I was stalking him.

 

Day 11: texted him to tell him what I was up to and asked to see him, only to be told he was busy that weekend

 

Day 17: texted him to offer help for job hunting (he wants to stay in Australia so needs sponsorship), and asked to catch up the next day, only to be told he would be working

 

Day 23: Confronted him over some incidents regarding mutual friends, while he was hanging out with a girl. He (and everyone else) obviously thought I was jealous of the girl, while I later found out they were just friends

 

Day 34: He found out that I had been talking to his friends about him and asking what the group were up to (which a stopped doing so about a week earlier). Now he thinks I am a stalker.

Haven't spoken to his friends about him ever since. I want to know if what I did was really bad and he won't even want to talk to me again?

 

If you dont leave his friends alone, you will just annoy him and he will lose his temper with you.

 

Over a month and you dont have him back.

 

You told him he was bad at sex but showed up at his apartment and slept with him again. So he still gets sex with you?

 

Just leave it now.

[xuanqi1988]

Day of break up, let rip at him and told him what I thought of his behavior. Made some comments about him personally but it as constructive and not vindictive or abusive.

 

A couple of weeks later i asked about my clothes and he offered to mail them to me. i didnt want him having my new address so i left it and that was it.

sounds like a mature breakup. so what exactly happened? were you the dumper or dumpee?

[Amelie1980]

sounds like a mature breakup. so what exactly happened? were you the dumper or dumpee?

 

I was the dumpee. Not so mature. I did let rip at him and tell him what i thought of him and so i clearly showed i didnt want to break up with him...so he knows it bothered me. I did something a bit stupid but dont want to discuss.

 

He still has my clothes. oh well.

[xuanqi1988]

If you dont leave his friends alone, you will just annoy him and he will lose his temper with you.

 

Over a month and you dont have him back.

 

You told him he was bad at sex but showed up at his apartment and slept with him again. So he still gets sex with you?

 

Just leave it now.

I know I didn't take it too well but this was my first experience as the dumpee after a long-term relationship. Although after reading a lot of posts here realized the importance of NC, so now I don't even talk to his friends about him any more.

[Mrin]

Absolute NC. Though I did accidentally text her about a year later. I texted her the letter "T". I had removed her number but hadn't deleted the texts. I was copying a poem by an unpublished poet out of there whilst drunk. Hence the accidental text.

 

Wasn't a bad break up at all. It is just that NC is the fastest way to get past a breakup

 

Go NC. Read the guide below

[xuanqi1988]

Absolute NC. Though I did accidentally text her about a year later. I texted her the letter "T". I had removed her number but hadn't deleted the texts. I was copying a poem by an unpublished poet out of there whilst drunk. Hence the accidental text.

 

Wasn't a bad break up at all. It is just that NC is the fastest way to get past a breakup

 

Go NC. Read the guide below

So you went NC from Day 1 yet she didn't try to get you back? :rolleyes:

[anonymousbear00101100]

I'm day 33 post break up after a 2 year relationship. The first two days I tried to talk to her and discuss what happened, but she kept saying things like "I already told you". So after a couple of really long exhausting days trying to pry information out of her, I let her go and tried no contact. Since then:

 

Day 10- Texted her saying I'd like to meet up over Thanksgiving break to discuss some things (We were long distance and I hated ending things over text). She said she'd think about it, but don't contact her until Friday. Soooo....

 

Day 14 and 15 - We talked about some things. She basically told me she was hanging out with some guy and that they had made out once, but she said it was a mistake and still wanted to talk. There would be stretches of like 5 hours between her responding while she was in class and then hanging out with him. That feeling was probably one of the worst I'd ever felt, because when she was texting me I felt like she was still giving me a chance, but when she stopped I knew she was with this guy.

 

Day 16 - We met up in person for about 2.5 hours. And despite days 1-13 of me wanting to move on and not date her anymore, the events of 14 and 15, and seeing her on 16 made me basically cry and beg for her back. We talked for a long time about everything that failed. She made it worse by telling me how great of a kisser and "lover" (yeah I'm cringing too) I was, and how much she cared about me. When I got texts from some girls I'd been talking to, she got really jealous. It made me feel like she still wanted to be with me, so the more she said no the more I begged. Oh so shameful.

 

Day 22 - Probably my biggest mistake. I basically told her that while we were in town over the future Winter Break, I would still give her the privilege of having sex with me, because of course I am the best she will ever have. It was really low and shameful, but I was so upset and didn't think about what I was doing until after I hit send. And there went any hope for a future with her (though this was our 4th breakup, so really was there any). One of the most awful things I've ever done, and basically me holding up a big sign that says "I'm an *******! You deserve better!" It did make me think though, so I've been working on that ever since. She responded telling me never to talk to her ever again.

 

Day 32 - Texted her an apology for what I had sent on day 22, and also apologized for some of the things I had done that led to the break up. Did she deserve it after breaking up with me over text and refusing to have a mature conversation about it with me for half a month? No. But in the 10 days between texts, I released a lot of anger and hate and forgave her. She never responded, and I didn't expect her too.

 

Funny. Yesterday when I sent that, I was hoping to use it set up a future chance for me to win her back. But after writing all of this, I'm starting to remember how bad she treated me at times, and all of my suspicions that she still wants to be with me have gone out the window. This was a slightly embarrassing post to put into words, but it seeing the timeline over the past month actually seems to help me in accepting this!

[Mrin]

So you went NC from Day 1 yet she didn't try to get you back? :rolleyes:

 

Not really. Truth be told I was deeply in love with my now GF within about five weeks. And I had also ended it with certainty and she respected my wishes. It was only about a six month (in total) relationship that both of us knew wouldn't work out long term.

[Liono84]

Since the day of the breakup, now a little over 4 months. NC is really the best way to move on as a dumpee. I'd say the 3 months mark was the ground breaking month for me where I trully stopped giving a F, even tho I thought that would never happen initially. Do I still think about her? Of course! But I can truthfully say I can care less at this stage and there just random thoughts that pop up similar to what I feel like doing or eating... I just pray that I meet the right woman sooner rather than later and I know that's going to happen.

[xuanqi1988]

I'm day 33 post break up after a 2 year relationship. The first two days I tried to talk to her and discuss what happened, but she kept saying things like "I already told you". So after a couple of really long exhausting days trying to pry information out of her, I let her go and tried no contact. Since then:

 

Day 10- Texted her saying I'd like to meet up over Thanksgiving break to discuss some things (We were long distance and I hated ending things over text). She said she'd think about it, but don't contact her until Friday. Soooo....

 

Day 14 and 15 - We talked about some things. She basically told me she was hanging out with some guy and that they had made out once, but she said it was a mistake and still wanted to talk. There would be stretches of like 5 hours between her responding while she was in class and then hanging out with him. That feeling was probably one of the worst I'd ever felt, because when she was texting me I felt like she was still giving me a chance, but when she stopped I knew she was with this guy.

 

Day 16 - We met up in person for about 2.5 hours. And despite days 1-13 of me wanting to move on and not date her anymore, the events of 14 and 15, and seeing her on 16 made me basically cry and beg for her back. We talked for a long time about everything that failed. She made it worse by telling me how great of a kisser and "lover" (yeah I'm cringing too) I was, and how much she cared about me. When I got texts from some girls I'd been talking to, she got really jealous. It made me feel like she still wanted to be with me, so the more she said no the more I begged. Oh so shameful.

 

Day 22 - Probably my biggest mistake. I basically told her that while we were in town over the future Winter Break, I would still give her the privilege of having sex with me, because of course I am the best she will ever have. It was really low and shameful, but I was so upset and didn't think about what I was doing until after I hit send. And there went any hope for a future with her (though this was our 4th breakup, so really was there any). One of the most awful things I've ever done, and basically me holding up a big sign that says "I'm an *******! You deserve better!" It did make me think though, so I've been working on that ever since. She responded telling me never to talk to her ever again.

 

Day 32 - Texted her an apology for what I had sent on day 22, and also apologized for some of the things I had done that led to the break up. Did she deserve it after breaking up with me over text and refusing to have a mature conversation about it with me for half a month? No. But in the 10 days between texts, I released a lot of anger and hate and forgave her. She never responded, and I didn't expect her too.

 

Funny. Yesterday when I sent that, I was hoping to use it set up a future chance for me to win her back. But after writing all of this, I'm starting to remember how bad she treated me at times, and all of my suspicions that she still wants to be with me have gone out the window. This was a slightly embarrassing post to put into words, but it seeing the timeline over the past month actually seems to help me in accepting this!

As a dumpee I find it absolutely understandable to have tried everything you could to get them back, before the hope dies and you can 100% give up (despite how much we still want miracle to happen and for them to come back to us) NC is the way to go in your case, esp considering how much it would hurt to know that she is "hanging out" with another guy. The truth is, you have no control over her thoughts and action, but you have control over your own.I totally get it. For a few weeks After the break up all I thought about was him. I forgot about myself and was in a complete mess. After 3 weeks of actively keeping in contact and trying to get him back, I was asked to "get over" him and move on with my life. It was the most hurtful thing anyone had ever said to me, but it gave me closure, and made me determined to go NC.

What you said to her about having sex was seemingly an offer for fwb, which made you look like an *******, but if she knew you well, she would know that you didn't mean it. I did the same thing with my ex the week after our break up, crawling back to initiate sex and telling him we could be fwb, to which he turned down the offer, because he said he knew I would always expect more. He was right. I felt like a mess after sleeping with him.

She probably said she didn't want to see you again out of anger and frustration. The truth is, after some time when she looks back, it won't be as big of a deal, considering you two had so much good memories together. I am not saying she will definitely come back running to you when she realizes it, but just give her some time to think it through.

I am on the same boat in that my relationship was actually a toxic one where my ex would be hot and cold, and would abuse me with his passiveness and ignorance when I wasn't making him happy. The truth is, it does not matter whether they want to be with us any more, because WE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THEM if they continue to treat us badly. And both of us know if we do manage to get them back by begging and pleading, it will be the case, if not even worse, because the ball will be in their court. Instead, IF they decide that they made a terrible mistake by letting us go, then there is a chance they may change the way they treat us (which they may not, if that's part of their personality).

Start NC now and keep us posted!

[xuanqi1988]

Since the day of the breakup, now a little over 4 months. NC is really the best way to move on as a dumpee. I'd say the 3 months mark was the ground breaking month for me where I trully stopped giving a F, even tho I thought that would never happen initially. Do I still think about her? Of course! But I can truthfully say I can care less at this stage and there just random thoughts that pop up similar to what I feel like doing or eating... I just pray that I meet the right woman sooner rather than later and I know that's going to happen.

 

Good insight, thanks so much for that. I actually have to agree with you on the 3 month mark because I dumped my last ex (the one before the recent one), after which he did not contact me at all, but I regretted the decision and wanted to get back together after 3 months...and just like you, he was already cold hearted.

Just one question though, how did you manage to control yourself and stop yourself from initiating any contact at all? was it a clean break up where you talked everything through, or was there a lot of confusion? How did you manage to suppress the urge of confronting her?:o:o

[Liono84]

Good insight, thanks so much for that. I actually have to agree with you on the 3 month mark because I dumped my last ex (the one before the recent one), after which he did not contact me at all, but I regretted the decision and wanted to get back together after 3 months...and just like you, he was already cold hearted.

Just one question though, how did you manage to control yourself and stop yourself from initiating any contact at all? was it a clean break up where you talked everything through, or was there a lot of confusion? How did you manage to suppress the urge of confronting her?:o:o

 

We broke up face-to-face. At the time, I was blind-sided and couldn't believe what has happening, but looking back there were many signs that I chose to ignore dating back a month prior that the end was near, or let's just say, that there were red flags....Honestly, I tried everything I could to salvage the breakup. I pleaded, and gave her countless reasons why it could work and why it didn't have to end this way. After our long sit down, we kissed and parted for the last time. Several hours later still that same day, I went into complete denial and panic. I called her, then texted her professing my love and why we could still make this work. We went back and forth but she basically stated the same reasons why she couldn't continue this any longer and that was the last time I ever contacted her.

 

Going NC is not easy. It's rather very painful but it is also the only way to heal. I've read several articles where they've done studies stating a person being dumped by someone they love is identical to a person finally withdrawing themselves from an addictive drug they've grown into from a body's physiological point of view. The highest success rates are ones in which an individual decides to go "Cold Turkey." Honestly, even though it hurt like hell, the way I thought about it was by saying to myself, "How can you possibly love someone who doesn't love you." You really got to ask yourself that every singe day, several times a day, and out loud too. It should be the first and last thing you say. At that time, I hated myself for pleading, and spilling my guts in telling her how much she meant to me. I never cried or begged, but I sure as hell pleaded and did everything possible to not let her go through with it. Looking back now 4 months later, I wouldn't want it any other way. I said everything I meant and she can carry that with her forever. I don't expect or hold hope that she will contact me or reconcile with me anymore but I do know that I won't be the one to ever second guess myself later on in the future or live with regret. I think that's something that sometimes gets overlooked. It's not to say that I think or expect that to happen, rather, I'm just saying I can live with myself saying I tried everything, whereas she may or may not change how she feels about her decision.

 

As for you, I advise you to do the same things I did. It's not hard, it's basic stuff you should be doing from a common sense point of view. Delete your ex's number, delete your texts, delete any pictures or belonging you have of them. Unfriend and/or block them for all social media and stop engaging in any talks with their friends. You must do all of the above. I never had an urge because I no longer had a means to contact her. I didn't memorize her number when I deleted it, so the only way to do so would be to email or unblock her from social media, which I did NOT do.

 

You're still very recent in your breakup. You're going to go through all sorts of emotions. Some days you will start feeling much better, and you will also have some weeks where it may be several consecutive days of you feeling better, and at the same time, you will also have some days where you feel sad again and feel like you're back to square 1 and not making any progress. It's all normal and it's all part of the healing process. I remember the 1st month or 2 being the absolute worst for me. It's like a roller-coaster but just know that you will eventually get through it. You just can't see it right now and you won't for some while longer but just know that father time does heal all wounds.

[Blanco]

OP, you already acknowledged that you were a rebound so wondering if he will talk to you again is counterproductive. If he does, it'll likely be for sex or an ego boost. Nothing good for your long-term situation.

 

I don't really keep count of days in NC. I have not initiated any contact with her in more than 8 months. I stopped counting after the first month because at so e point, life has to go on and associating each new day with your ex (by saying stuff like, "well this is day 89 of NC!") puts too much emphasis on your ex.

 

She's reached out a few times. I've either ignored her or been brief, but polite in my responses. Honestly, at this point, I know talking to her is a bad idea so the urge to speak about anything is almost non existent most days. I've actually cringed the last few times I've gotten a text and seen it was from her.

[marky00]

In my case after a 9 year LDR, and dumpee i went full NC for like 7 weeks or so from Day 1.

 

In hindsight, I would say I should have remained NC but there was three primary reasons for breaking it.

 

1) My Ex dumped me in a horrible way.... so bad in fact that if she ever wanted to reach out she would have been too scared to do so. So I suppose I reached out just to basically say "ouch that breakup stung a bit but I'm not here loading a 9mm ready to come and hunt you down". She even told me when I reached out that wasn't going to contact me coz she feared that I hated her. So... in my case reaching out was to give her the opportunity of reaching out if she wanted to.

 

2) The timing of the breakup made no sense and I wanted some answers. People warned me that seeking answers would only cause more hurt and questions and they were right.

 

3) I didn't want her to think that I was so destroyed that I couldn't even pickup the phone and engage with her. Unfortunately, this has its drawbacks because when your Ex asks how your doing, you will be tempted to confess how bad the breakup affected you (I admitted my work had suffered etc). You see with that questions you are doomed either way. If you say your good, they feel less guilt. IF you say your doing bad, you look needy and pathetic. Its pretty much a lose-lose situation for the dumpee.

 

Overall I think NC is very crucial to recovery however, I don't think NC should be a self-imposed life sentance. That's not healthy either. I think the best advise is to get your emotional state back to a healthy level where u have accepted the breakup and have learned to live without your EX. At that point, I think its ok to contact your Ex to test the waters then (but probably only if after getting back to dating... you have confirmed in your mind that they really are for you and not just an addiction).

[Meli22]

Broke up in March, reached out a few weeks later with a question. Then that was it. Haven't peeped a word to him since. He tried to follow me on social media around 2 months ago, then a few days later messaged me to say it was an accident. Nothing else apart from that. After a while it becomes normal, and the thought of talking to them becomes more weird than the thought of not talking to them. I actually don't want to talk to him, he lost alot of my respect and I'm much happier where I am now.