Breakup Baggage

[metaversus]

I went through a traumatic breakup in July. The entire relationship was actually a slow tortured breakup, but the official final breakup was end of July.

 

Things went from bad to worse after we broke up. It was an unrequited love situation and it got ugly. I still love and miss him even though I wish I didn't. He hates me and wants nothing to do with me ever again.

 

I've started dating again recently, and I've been meeting some pretty awesome guys, but so far no one is even coming close to rocking my world the way he did right from the start. I fear no one will. . .

 

So what to do? I don't feel like intimacy is something I would be comfortable with anytime soon, yet I think not 'getting back out there' would be a mistake. I'm in my mid-late thirties.

 

And with these guys I'm trying to determine how much of it is me actually not being into them, or my emotional baggage/damage from my previous relationship.

[Blanco]

Traumatic. Tortured. Unrequited love. Ugly. Still love him. Miss him.

 

You aren't ready to date, and there's no shame in that. Focus on yourself and healing rather than trying to shoehorn a replacement into your life. It's going to feel crappy for a while. But it's a lot harder to heal from something like this when you're allocating a chunk of your focus toward dating.

[metaversus]

I had a feeling someone would reply with something like this. I appreciate your response and honest words. It has taken me 4 months to start dating again. This seems to me like a pretty good chunk of time. I have gone through many stages of grief during this time.

 

I am conscious that I still love my ex and should not be dating with the intent of looking for a replacement. I am keeping my mind open to different types of men and seeing each guy for the individual person they are. It has been quite some time now since I've cried over my ex, a few months. The past few days are been the first time I've felt pangs of missing him in awhile, but I think it's attributed to it being that time of the month.

 

I have very much been focusing on myself; my job, eating healthier, exercising, focusing on my passions, getting my home in order, etc.

 

Yes I am feeling all of these things, but much less intensely than before. I think a part of me will always love him and feel regret about how things went down. It seems healthier to attempt to move on with my life rather than put any part of it on hold because of him.

 

If I were younger I likely wouldn't feel the pressure to get back out there so quickly. I don't feel like I have a lot of time to wait.

 

Traumatic. Tortured. Unrequited love. Ugly. Still love him. Miss him.

 

You aren't ready to date, and there's no shame in that. Focus on yourself and healing rather than trying to shoehorn a replacement into your life. It's going to feel crappy for a while. But it's a lot harder to heal from something like this when you're allocating a chunk of your focus toward dating.

[Wewon]

Your relationship sounded pretty bad, you stated nothing positive about it.

 

I went through a traumatic breakup in July. The entire relationship was actually a slow tortured breakup, but the official final breakup was end of July.

 

Things went from bad to worse after we broke up. It was an unrequited love situation and it got ugly. I still love and miss him even though I wish I didn't. He hates me and wants nothing to do with me ever again.

 

 

 

I'm having a hard time reconciling the above with what's below...

 

I've started dating again recently, and I've been meeting some pretty awesome guys, but so far no one is even coming close to rocking my world the way he did right from the start. I fear no one will. . .

 

 

Based on this contradiction alone, I would say that you might want to investigate what you are missing what was a toxic relationship.

[Blanco]

I understand that time is not always on someone's side, but trying to expedite the recovery process and force the matter seems like a good way to end up in a poor-fit relationship.

 

I'm nearly a year out from ending a long relationship that I would describe as emotionally grueling. In many ways, my life is better for being out of it. But it has been a long, winding road to recovery because the relationship was so emotionally grueling. My ex moved on almost immediately, but I chose to use this time to get back in shape, reconnect with friends, make new friends, do new things, address and fix the things I did in the relationship to contribute to its end.

 

I'm finally at a point where I'm open to meeting someone, but it's been about nine months of active recovery. I still miss elements of my relationship and the ex, but I know now that I'm in a better place to be of some use to a potential girlfriend. Had I rushed things and tried dating, say, four or five months ago, I would've probably felt lousy and potentially hurt someone. Looking back, I was lonely, but definitely not emotionally available.

 

You can't put time frames on something like this. I understand the desire to move on, but I think the fact that you experiencing mostly indifference while dating is a sign that you simply aren't quite ready yet.

[metaversus]

Your relationship sounded pretty bad, you stated nothing positive about it.

 

I am choosing to focus on negative aspects of the relationship rather than positive, because it's healthier and I have had time to reflect. However, the fault was approx. 50/50, and probably more skewed towards mine in the end.

 

I'm having a hard time reconciling the above with what's below...

Based on this contradiction alone, I would say that you might want to investigate what you are missing what was a toxic relationship.

 

I don't fall in love easily, but when I do I love hard. The toxicity was me staying in the relationship and hoping he would change, and him allowing me to stay.

[xuanqi1988]

I went through a traumatic breakup in July. The entire relationship was actually a slow tortured breakup, but the official final breakup was end of July.

 

Things went from bad to worse after we broke up. It was an unrequited love situation and it got ugly. I still love and miss him even though I wish I didn't. He hates me and wants nothing to do with me ever again.

 

I've started dating again recently, and I've been meeting some pretty awesome guys, but so far no one is even coming close to rocking my world the way he did right from the start. I fear no one will. . .

 

So what to do? I don't feel like intimacy is something I would be comfortable with anytime soon, yet I think not 'getting back out there' would be a mistake. I'm in my mid-late thirties.

 

And with these guys I'm trying to determine how much of it is me actually not being into them, or my emotional baggage/damage from my previous relationship.

 

When you said that the relationship was like a breakup, do you mean that it was one-sided and on-off? How long did you guys date for?

Sounds to me like you are more in love with the idea of him than the real person. Although I'm on the same boat with you, still getting over a toxic relationship after a bad breakup, and my ex made it clear that I should get over him.

Don't rush into a new relationship until you are over this guy, otherwise you will end up hurting yourself and the next person. Keep on dating though, it keeps the hope alive and your self-esteem level up. I'm trying to do the same thing.

Don't over think or analyse what it is about them that is off. If you don't feel like it, then just let it be and go with the flow. Be single and fabulous

[metaversus]

I understand that time is not always on someone's side, but trying to expedite the recovery process and force the matter seems like a good way to end up in a poor-fit relationship.

 

Force no. I want to be dating and I am enjoying it right now as an exciting social activity more than the anticipation of meeting my next boyfriend. I just haven't met anyone yet who makes me swoon. I am hoping that will happen naturally in time as I keep an open mind.

 

A few friends think that getting back into dating is a good way to help the recovery process. One meets/interacts with various personalities and perhaps even makes new friend(s) along the way. Best case scenario would be love.

 

What is the harm in going on a date or two before realizing I'm not into him, or visa-versa? There is no emotional attachment at this point.

 

At the same time, to play my own devil's advocate, maybe you are right and I am avoiding facing another hard truth, that I am not ready. I certainly do not feel ready for real intimacy. Very blocked in this area atm, but I also feel like that could change in time if I meet Mr. right, maybe . . .

 

I'm nearly a year out from ending a long relationship that I would describe as emotionally grueling. In many ways, my life is better for being out of it. But it has been a long, winding road to recovery because the relationship was so emotionally grueling. My ex moved on almost immediately, but I chose to use this time to get back in shape, reconnect with friends, make new friends, do new things, address and fix the things I did in the relationship to contribute to its end.

 

That sounds so painful! These types of experiences can nearly kill someone. My relationship was only a year, and we were on and off. It's difficult for me to fathom how people cope after these long-term relationships or divorces. They have to learn how to live life on their own again.

 

My ex moved on immediately too. In fact he met someone before we broke up, even though they were just friends at that point, but he made his move on her a week after we broke up and they are living together now. This was after him telling me for a year that he didn't want a serious relationship with anyone. He let me stay in his life and be a placeholder while he looked for the girl he really wanted to be with. I blame both of us for that equally. I mostly blame myself for the aftermath.

 

I am doing the things you did, getting back in shape, making new friends, doing new things and things I enjoy, seeking therapy, etc. It feels good, but sometimes I just miss him. He's different than anyone I've ever met before and will likely meet again.

 

And the reasons he didn't feel like we fit, is him just wanting someone different, but these differences are things which make me feel insecure about myself.

 

I'm finally at a point where I'm open to meeting someone, but it's been about nine months of active recovery. I still miss elements of my relationship and the ex, but I know now that I'm in a better place to be of some use to a potential girlfriend. Had I rushed things and tried dating, say, four or five months ago, I would've probably felt lousy and potentially hurt someone. Looking back, I was lonely, but definitely not emotionally available.

 

How is your dating process going? I'm in a better place mentally where I feel stronger for (mostly) haven gotten through the extremely painful separation and no contact period. Life seems normal again without him, but sometimes I feel sad that he was unable to feel the same way about me as I felt about him. He's giving his girlfriend everything I wish he could have given me, because she is able to satisfy him in ways I could not.

 

You can't put time frames on something like this. I understand the desire to move on, but I think the fact that you experiencing mostly indifference while dating is a sign that you simply aren't quite ready yet.

 

Does it mean I am not ready to be dating, or that I am not ready for a relationship? I'll admit to not being ready to a relationship even though I am still open to the possibility if the right guy comes along. Wouldn't dating be a precursor to that? Better to start sooner rather than later. In fact dating could actually end up being more painful later because the person won't be conditioned to it and it will potentially dredge up a lot of emotions and insecurities.

Edited December 10, 2015 by metaversus

[Blanco]

It's difficult for me to fathom how people cope after these long-term relationships or divorces. They have to learn how to live life on their own again.

 

This is why you see so many people jumping right back into exclusive relationships so quickly. Sometimes, you just luck out and meet a good fit for you not long after the last relationship ends. But from what I've seen in personal experiences, it's usually just that these people can't handle the daunting task of learning to live life again. They're comfortable with a relationship and don't know how to function outside of one.

 

My ex and I are in our thirties. I don't think she hasn't either been in a relationship or seeing someone casually for most of her adult life. The guy she's with was still in the divorce process and was coming out of a 20-year marriage. Both have kids. They might be a great fit, but I think what brought them together, initially, was the discomfort with being "alone."

 

I, on the other hand, get deeply invested and attached in my relationships, which usually leads to long periods of time in between girlfriends. After I come out of a relationship, I just have no interest in another one for a long time.

 

How is your dating process going?

 

Non-existent at the moment. I'm definitely more social this year than I was in previous years (i.e. going out with friends), but I still haven't met anyone I cared to even get a drink with. I finally feel like I would be in a good place to start something if I met a worthwhile person, but I wouldn't say I'm seeking out anyone. I'm OK with that. I certainly don't feel like there's a clock ticking for me.

 

Does it mean I am not ready to be dating, or that I am not ready for a relationship?

 

Relationship, most likely. If you enjoy the act of dating, then there's nothing wrong with exploring these possibilities. I just couldn't get a sense in your OP whether or not you were dating out of a feeling that you needed to find someone and soon.