kismetkismet Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 14 months ago I went on a trip with my ex boyfriend to this city 5 hrs away that I adore. The trip was amazing and ended up being kind of.. one of the highlights of our relationship that we would refer back to. He and I broke up 9 months ago, but are on good terms even though we don't really talk now, we said that we would be friends once some time had passed. Fast forward to present day.. I have been with my new boyfriend for 3 months and we are considering going to that same city for my upcoming birthday next month. I wasn't sure if we should and we tried to think of somewhere else we could go, but it's one of my favourite cities, it would be beneficial for us for work (long story), and there's not really anywhere else to go in January.. Also, there is this one great hotel that is half the price of any other in the same location that my ex and I stayed at, and I can't seem to find anywhere else that is comparable at all, and price is pretty important right now. I'm just wondering from an objective perspective if it's strange for us to be going on this trip.. and then to stay in the same hotel on top of it, or if I'm being overly sentimental when I worry about that. Obviously each situation is different/personal, but I'm just curious from an outsiders perspective..
smackie9 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Why would it be strange? He sleeps in the same bed your bf did doesn't he? I bet money on it you are sleeping in a bed your BFs ex or exes did......doesn't make any difference?....no. 3
Author kismetkismet Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 Oh for sure we have both had exes in our beds haha! That doesn't bother me in the slightest. I suppose that's a good way to look at it.
Versacehottie Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 hmmmm, this is a tough one. I can personally be kind of sentimental about these sorts of things---maybe like you are indicating you might be because you feel the slightest bit guilty or weird about it. I do agree with smackie about the bed you have at home now. I think though that the reality of what your emotions might be like when you are there is another story, which you are aware of and thus why this thread exists. I don't think you are doing anything "wrong" by going there but unwanted feelings might crop up. Depends. And kind of no way to know until you are in it. The feelings could be totally GOOD where you realize wow you are with exactly with who you are supposed to be with. Or they might taint the whole trip even though you don't have feelings for the ex-bf anymore. My suggestion is that I would think you can "see" the city itself as just something you love, that represents a piece of who you are independent of the trip you were on previously with your ex-bf. I know the hotel is a good deal but I would try to explore the city (hopefully it's big enough) where you create new memories of your own, ie a different hotel, different restaurants, different activities. That way you are not trying to recreate your previous experience with ex-bf which will bring up those emotions. Also even a comment or two where you say "last time I was here..." could be hurtful to your current bf and might affect the trip. Me personally, I would err on side of caution--or more importantly creating new memories. When you have been with the current boyfriend longer and after this trip, where you two will now have your own memories, on the NEXT trip there you can visit some of the same places you did with your ex-bf. That's what I would do. It would be worth the extra 30-40% for hotel and time to research some other venues to create a new trip that is individual to the two of you. Good luck 2
Erik30 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 I think it's fine. You can now make some new memories over there with your new boyfriend, so the place won't always just remind you of your ex.
TheTraveler Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 14 months ago I went on a trip with my ex boyfriend to this city 5 hrs away that I adore. The trip was amazing and ended up being kind of.. one of the highlights of our relationship that we would refer back to. He and I broke up 9 months ago, but are on good terms even though we don't really talk now, we said that we would be friends once some time had passed. Fast forward to present day.. I have been with my new boyfriend for 3 months and we are considering going to that same city for my upcoming birthday next month. I wasn't sure if we should and we tried to think of somewhere else we could go, but it's one of my favourite cities, it would be beneficial for us for work (long story), and there's not really anywhere else to go in January.. Also, there is this one great hotel that is half the price of any other in the same location that my ex and I stayed at, and I can't seem to find anywhere else that is comparable at all, and price is pretty important right now. I'm just wondering from an objective perspective if it's strange for us to be going on this trip.. and then to stay in the same hotel on top of it, or if I'm being overly sentimental when I worry about that. Obviously each situation is different/personal, but I'm just curious from an outsiders perspective.. New man, new hotel. Make new memories. 2
Ami1uwant Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 There is absolutely nothing wrong with going there. The issue will be referencing what you and your ex did there. It's your tight yo love snd enjoy this city. Make memories with the new boyfriend and let him lead on where to visit.
Author kismetkismet Posted December 10, 2015 Author Posted December 10, 2015 hmmmm, this is a tough one. I can personally be kind of sentimental about these sorts of things---maybe like you are indicating you might be because you feel the slightest bit guilty or weird about it. I do agree with smackie about the bed you have at home now. I think though that the reality of what your emotions might be like when you are there is another story, which you are aware of and thus why this thread exists. I don't think you are doing anything "wrong" by going there but unwanted feelings might crop up. Depends. And kind of no way to know until you are in it. The feelings could be totally GOOD where you realize wow you are with exactly with who you are supposed to be with. Or they might taint the whole trip even though you don't have feelings for the ex-bf anymore. My suggestion is that I would think you can "see" the city itself as just something you love, that represents a piece of who you are independent of the trip you were on previously with your ex-bf. I know the hotel is a good deal but I would try to explore the city (hopefully it's big enough) where you create new memories of your own, ie a different hotel, different restaurants, different activities. That way you are not trying to recreate your previous experience with ex-bf which will bring up those emotions. Also even a comment or two where you say "last time I was here..." could be hurtful to your current bf and might affect the trip. Me personally, I would err on side of caution--or more importantly creating new memories. When you have been with the current boyfriend longer and after this trip, where you two will now have your own memories, on the NEXT trip there you can visit some of the same places you did with your ex-bf. That's what I would do. It would be worth the extra 30-40% for hotel and time to research some other venues to create a new trip that is individual to the two of you. Good luck This is great advice, thank you! 1
introverted1 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 A good litmus test would be to ask yourself how you'd feel in the reverse situation: would you be ok going to a city and hotel your new bf had been to with his ex? 1
Versacehottie Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) A good litmus test would be to ask yourself how you'd feel in the reverse situation: would you be ok going to a city and hotel your new bf had been to with his ex? Yes, great point. If I put myself into that scenario, the city doesn't bother me at all. It's not like I'm never going to London if current bf has been there with an ex. If we are at the exact same hotel they stayed at, it becomes perhaps a little touchy. Or if he takes me to his favorite romantic restaurant in London, it would kind of just remind you that he romanticizes the place because of his previous experience there not anything special that we created there. Not as a direct jealousy thing but just wanting to know that he sees you as different and special and doesn't pull out the same routine with all gf's. Actually funnily enough there is an old King of Queens episode that I just saw the other night where Kevin James thinks Leah Remini IS the gf he brought to a mountain resort 10 years ago--she knows immediately she is not and is pretty pissed that he got it confused. It basically illustrates the potential issues here. He tells her he is taking her back there because of the "great time" they had there the first time they went!! To which she replies that she has never been there and it comes out that he took a previous gf and is now confusing the memory as if the two women are interchangeable and their "special" place has not only no meaning but is a thorn in her side because it was really someone else he brought there. It's basically amp'd up for comedy but it's elements of this same thing playing out. Edited December 10, 2015 by Versacehottie 2
Gold Pile Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 As much as possible I try to lure my dates to my favorite hotel. I like the place and It turns me on to think of how many women I've had there before. The room's décor and such always brings the memories into sharp focus. You clearly like the place so go. Allow yourself to think of the erotic times you had there before, its fun. 2
MidwestUSA Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 As much as possible I try to lure my dates to my favorite hotel. I like the place and It turns me on to think of how many women I've had there before. The room's décor and such always brings the memories into sharp focus. You clearly like the place so go. Allow yourself to think of the erotic times you had there before, its fun. It's all fun and games until you start talking in your sleep! Personally, if were to go the same city as I had with an ex, I'd chose a different hotel. Who knows what might come out of my mouth, even awake, when memories are triggered. My husband has, more than once, called me by his ex wife's name. In all instances, we were at shelters looking for a cat to adopt. Go figure.
Gold Pile Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 It's all fun and games until you start talking in your sleep! Personally, if were to go the same city as I had with an ex, I'd chose a different hotel. Who knows what might come out of my mouth, even awake, when memories are triggered. My husband has, more than once, called me by his ex wife's name. In all instances, we were at shelters looking for a cat to adopt. Go figure. Now that's the craziest thing I ever heard
MidwestUSA Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Now that's the craziest thing I ever heard I think he's triggered by litter and urine.
Author kismetkismet Posted December 10, 2015 Author Posted December 10, 2015 Thanks for your advice everyone! I managed to find a different hotel that is in a similar price range, and equally central and interesting thankfully! I was feeling a bit funny about the trip overall and I think it was mainly about the hote, so thanks for helping me to pinpoint that. It's an extremely unique hotel as well (a mcmennamins), so it's probably best that I don't feel like I've just stepped back in time. 2
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