Polar965 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 I've been asked out by a very nice man who is recently separated. He does have his own apartment. According to our mutual friend, the divorce is going to happen. I've read stories on here about spouses getting back together and what not. They apparently haven't been "together" for a couple of years, just sharing a house and parent responsibilities.
winny Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Yeah.. wait... u can be friends with him meanwhile...
Myragal Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 No. However, odds are I've been on a date with a man who was separated without me knowing about it. I'm extremely particular about dating. I only date with the idea of a potential relationship. I just don't want complications. I like things nice and easy...no drama. Feeling completely secure. 1
salparadise Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 It takes two years (minimum) to get that stuff behind you after a divorce. If you're just looking to get laid and have no other expectation, why not. But if you're actually looking to date... you're just asking to be in the middle of a bunch of drama, or to be the rebound/emotional tampon.
oldshirt Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 There will be a risk of them reconciling and getting back together. There will be a million risks and 999,999 of those risks will also be applicable for any other man in any other situation. There are no guarentees that any dating situation will be riskfree or any kind of sure thing. All carry some risks and no guarentees. There is also a risk that if you pass on this opportunity, you will simply miss the bus and he will become involved with someone else and you'll be sitting on the bleachers watching from the outside. My advice is do what you want but be aware of the risks and benefits and don't invest anything you aren't willing to lose. He asked you out for coffee, he did not ask you to marry him, sign a mortgage with him and help raise his kids. How much harm will a coffee date bring down on you????? Let's not get alarmist here. You are both adults. As long as you use some common sense safety practices and take things one day and one step at a time and keep your head, you'll be fine. I see reason reason people should be so fearful or so governed by fear. If you have a nice time and he doesn't turn out to be a psycho killer, what is the harm in going out for an evening and get acquainted. Let's not all be getting ahead of ourselves and worrying about doomsday scenarios when a cup of coffee is all that is currently at stake. 3
oldshirt Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 It takes two years (minimum) to get that stuff behind you after a divorce. If you're just looking to get laid and have no other expectation, why not. But if you're actually looking to date... you're just asking to be in the middle of a bunch of drama, or to be the rebound/emotional tampon. You don't know that. You can't make blanket statements on how long it takes people to get over a divorce. For all we know he may be completely over the marriage and has his ducks in a row and is just waiting for the court to sign the paperwork. Some people have already hammered the final nails into the marriages coffin before they even file and have their bags already unpacked and are living completely separate lives before the paperwork even reaches the clerks desk at the courthouse. If I were to separate and move into my new place today, I'd probably spend this coming up weekend on the coach in my sweatpants and t-shirt and not do a thing else simply because I could. But I'd probably try to get a date next weekend. I sure as hell ain't gonna be sitting around waiting for two frickn years. If I ask someone out and they decline because they don't want to date a separated person, that is their perogative and choice. No harm no foul. But I'm going to move on to the next and so on and so on untill someone goes for it.......and someone will eventually go for it because not everyone lives in such fear.
mystikmind2005 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 The way i see it,,, when you date any single person, the chances it will work out are already very low,,, the chances they will find someone else they have more of a connection/spark with are very high. So when that happens with a separated person, people blame it on them being separated, calling it 'rebound' if they dump you for someone else, or calling it not over their ex if they go back to the ex. I think it is irrelevant because these things happen anyway weather it involves separation, rebounding or not, it happens, it happens allot, that is the nature of dating.
Ami1uwant Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 This is something you wait and judge on their own merits. Separated is a legal definition. Sure he could get back with her but that true with any relationship that ended..divorced or not. Sometimes people stay separated for other reasons like to keep the house till the kids are grown then sell it and split the assets or they stay married because he knows his wife needs yo stsy on his insurance because she doesn't have good insurance given her medical conditions. Sometimes people get divorced so that they can pay for college...yes it happens if one is a big bread winner then if they divorce and the lower earner has kid custody only her income determines kids financial aid. ...not his. 2
Blanco Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Probably not, unless I was just looking for something fleeting and casual. If they seemed incredibly worthwhile, I would want to know the reasons for their divorce; what they think their role in the marriage's demise was; what they've done or plan to do to increase the odds that they won't repeat the same mistakes again. You can check out of a marriage long before it's actually over, but that doesn't still mean the divorce process is always simple and that you don't go through a lot of emotional turmoil because of it. I've dated people relatively fresh out of long-term relationships. Sometimes, the reasons are obvious why they left. Other times, it's obvious there has been a lack of introspection on their part as to what caused the relationship's end outside of boiler plate reasons like, "we grew apart." I have no interest in being someone's emotional band-aid or the stopgap to their loneliness. From general observation, it seems like a lot of people just out of long marriages or relationships who are looking to date right away are just missing the companionship or don't know how to function by themselves. Not exactly the strongest of foundations for a healthy relationship. 1
Mrin Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 I was a separated guy for a couple of years. A few things: 1. Why is he still married? We had a messy divorce asset wise so we needed to wait a while for tax reasons (until the house sold). We also got along great so there was no hurry. I had my own rental house within 30 days and bought my own house within 8 months. Most assets split and an informal spousal support program in place by month 6. There was zero chance of reconciliation. We were divorced in all ways except for the paper. So find out - looks like you have good info from your friend. 2. Probably equally important as #1 is how many women he's dated since being separated. If you would be the first or maybe the second then that can be challenging. But - not every relationship needs to have the potential to end in forever ever after right? If you are so inclined he might just be a fun guy to date for a while. Honestly - you haven't even gone out with him. I'd give it a whirl and see how it turns out.
introverted1 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 I don't see the logic of assuming that a separated guy is more likely to return to his soon-to-be-ex than a never-married or divorced guy is to return to his ex. Either this guy is ready to date (an assessment you can make by learning more about his situation) or he isn't. I don't think his status as a separated guy has a lot of bearing. Others will disagree.
StBreton Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Probably not, unless I was just looking for something fleeting and casual. If they seemed incredibly worthwhile, I would want to know the reasons for their divorce; what they think their role in the marriage's demise was; what they've done or plan to do to increase the odds that they won't repeat the same mistakes again. You can check out of a marriage long before it's actually over, but that doesn't still mean the divorce process is always simple and that you don't go through a lot of emotional turmoil because of it. I've dated people relatively fresh out of long-term relationships. Sometimes, the reasons are obvious why they left. Other times, it's obvious there has been a lack of introspection on their part as to what caused the relationship's end outside of boiler plate reasons like, "we grew apart." I have no interest in being someone's emotional band-aid or the stopgap to their loneliness. From general observation, it seems like a lot of people just out of long marriages or relationships who are looking to date right away are just missing the companionship or don't know how to function by themselves. Not exactly the strongest of foundations for a healthy relationship. Hey Polar...this exactly I'm 1.5 years post divorce after a long marriage. Looking back on things...I was not ready to date seriously when I was separated but thought I was. I met a really great guy about a month ago...he's perfect for me except he's recently separated from a 25 yr marriage and I was his first date. We had 4 dates in one week and he was ready to date just me. I told him to go and date 20 girls ...figure out what he wants...and after that AND he's through his divorce process AND he still wants me AND he's done some reflection, I would love to have a relationship with him. I don't want to be a bandaid or convenient. He came out and said he will not be single long as he much prefers to be in a relationship. Walking away from him was really hard...we had that good of a connection, that instant click...and we barely even kissed. He's called me several times just to talk. We are going on a holiday date next week. He's gone on several dates and come out and said that I was right about going out and dating and finding himself and figuring out what it is he wants in a relationship and processing some things. He's not ready for the relationship that I am and I don't want to be disappointed...I'm much more protective of my heart now so I'll keep him in mind...keep in touch...and see where things are at in 6 months. You're taking a risk with this guy...what if you really like him and he realizes he's got a lot of processing to do and your heart gets broken? Going out on a few dates isn't going to hurt you but getting involved further is very risky. If you're just looking for a little fun thought...go for it! Holidays can be just a fun time to wing it:) 2
Blanco Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Other things to consider: - Does he have kids? - If so, are you comfortable with the reality that his ex-wife will likely remain part of his life until the kids are adults? - Does he see himself getting married again? - If he has kids, does he see himself having any more? - Do you want to get married? Have kids? What if he doesn't? Obviously these are all pretty meaty things to consider, but I think it's important to consider stuff like this when getting involved with a guy coming out of a marriage. Even if it's just a few dates, it doesn't hurt to be aware of these answers and know what is and isn't a deal-breaker for you. Best case scenario is that this blossoms into something more substantial, in which case, you'll have to deal with the above issues, anyway.
mrldii Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 No, I wouldn't. A person who is "separated" is not fully available for a new relationship, as - by mere definition of the word - they're still involved in the old one. 2
Hopeful714 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 No, don't do it. About 15 yrs ago when I was younger and yes, still naive, a separated man came on to me. I refused his offers for dates, but once he actually moved out of the house, furnished his new place, and divorce papers were filed (I checked online) I thought it may be ok to date him. Wrong! Even though he heavily persued me in the beginning, once his cheater wife found out he was dating someone else, she wanted him back ...and not surprisingly he went. So, there's 2 lessons to be learned here: 1. It ain't over till it's over 2. Even when it's over and the divorce is final-people need time to sort them selves out. 1
CarrieT Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Totally failed for me: I dated a man for almost a year who had been separated for eight months before we got together. During the year, he worked through the process of divorce and after multiple delayed court dates, the time arrived to finalize and sign the papers. During mediation, they reconciled. Broke my heart more than I can describe. Until a person is fully and 100% divorced, they technically still belong to another person and there is the potential for too much drama.
thecrucible Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 I don't judge people for their struggles. However I'd opt out of getting too close as it's too much of a risk for me.
mystikmind2005 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Totally failed for me: I dated a man for almost a year who had been separated for eight months before we got together. During the year, he worked through the process of divorce and after multiple delayed court dates, the time arrived to finalize and sign the papers. During mediation, they reconciled. Broke my heart more than I can describe. Until a person is fully and 100% divorced, they technically still belong to another person and there is the potential for too much drama. This is what i don't get? How is this situation different to a situation where a guy dumps you for a an ex gf but never married? Pretty much all guys have ex's, married or not. 1
CarrieT Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 This is what i don't get? How is this situation different to a situation where a guy dumps you for a an ex gf but never married? Pretty much all guys have ex's, married or not. Everybody has Ex's - to the me the difference is multifaceted. Most of it has to do with the odds and percentages. For starters, a marriage is a bigger commitment. If not emotionally, then definitely financially and legally. If someone is going to break-up a relationship, it is financially, legally, and emotionally far difficult to end a marriage than just a BF/GF relationship. 3
hippychick3 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Never ever. When I was online dating, I was contacted by a guy who was separated awaiting his divorce to be finalized in the next couple months. He seemed great in every way possible, but I told him I could not go on a date with a married man. And, he was still technically married. He initially tried to convince me but realized I wouldn't budge. He kept in touch letting me know the date of the divorce was approaching, and we officially went on the first date the week it was finalized. We went on many more dates after that, but since he was freshly divorced I didn't really feel he could be ready for a relationship so soon. Ultimately I kept my guard way up the whole time, and that turned him off.
mystikmind2005 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Everybody has Ex's - to the me the difference is multifaceted. Most of it has to do with the odds and percentages. For starters, a marriage is a bigger commitment. If not emotionally, then definitely financially and legally. If someone is going to break-up a relationship, it is financially, legally, and emotionally far difficult to end a marriage than just a BF/GF relationship. So there is no ideological difference, but a logistical difference? hmmm, in Australia (where i live). If you live with a partner more than two years then legally you are married - they call it 'defacto' but in legal terms, the same as marriage.
CarrieT Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 hmmm, in Australia (where i live). If you live with a partner more than two years then legally you are married - they call it 'defacto' but in legal terms, the same as marriage. In the United States, it is known as "common law" but is hard to define and varies state to state. So there is no ideological difference, but a logistical difference? Again, I believe it is more than just logistical. There is a different emotional commitment to legally binding yourself to another human being that is more layered and complex than just "living together for two years."
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 I tried. He had only just separated for less than a year. Was talking about his ex wife a lot ( well wife, technically still) And he had kids. He talked about how "over he was with his wife" but he was still married and still venting about her. It was then that I decided that it was too risky to date separated men. I'd rather that they were divorce for a few years before hand. But that's me.
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