Is it love? Is it not love? What is going on..

[Effleurer]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years now. One year has been long distance (and for a little back story, for a few months after he moved initially we were not together and realized that maybe we could make it work long distance after all).

 

We recently had an argument and needed to learn to forgive each other, which we both did, but during that time I expressed a lot of intense love and affection towards him and he sort of panicked. He told me that he's never been in love with someone before, and he isn't in love now, that he feels like he will know when he feels it. He also doesn't say 'I love you' to his parents, he says it feels strange and has never said it to a girl. He said it to me when he was drunk because he knew it would make me happy, and he wonders if he loves me, but he doesn't.

 

I asked him what feelings he has towards me and he told me he cherishes me, has a very strong romantic connection (unlike with anyone else in his past), is very physically attracted to me, feels an emotional connection, great sexual connection, worries about me, cares for me, is happy with me, feels fulfilled with me and doesn't need anything else right now, but is willing to let me date other men during our relationship so I can find someone deserving of all the love I have to give. What is strange is he does things that shows me he loves me and our emotions have only grown stronger together but after two years I thought it would have developed, and so did he. He said that the feelings that he DOES have has never faded, not even a little.

 

He's giving me the chance to leave so I can 'be loved'. I told him I wasn't ready to leave and he said he feels relieved because he *is* actually happy with me, but knows in the long run he can't marry someone he doesn't love.

 

I'm really confused. Should I give it some more time? Is he just waiting to be sure I'm the right girl? I know his definitely of love is a 'one time, once in a lifetime thing'. Or should I walk away?

 

I can tell you that I am head-over-heels in love with this guy. Everything about him I find endearing, and I want to give him everything I have, and *very* recently I considered it possible to have a future with him.

Edited December 9, 2015 by Effleurer

[TaraMaiden2]

Well, he's described how he feels about you;

What precisely, is his definition of Love, and how it feels?

 

If he doesn't know how to put it into words, or comes up with an extremely implausible definition, I would think very carefully about prolonging your time with him.

 

For a start, what he described sounds awfully like 'love' to me, but I would therefore guess he has very high expectations of what he thinks Love should be.

Does he think his parents do not love each other?

 

Has he asked YOU how YOU define love?

[Glitters]

The feelings that he has described are all the love feelings but he is also saying that he doesnt feel love. Overall, he is putting an end to the relationship gently.He is trying to soften the blow.I would move on.

[Leigh 87]

No man in love would allow their girlfriends to date other men.

[pteromom]

He told me that he's never been in love with someone before, and he isn't in love now, that he feels like he will know when he feels it. He also doesn't say 'I love you' to his parents, he says it feels strange and has never said it to a girl. He said it to me when he was drunk because he knew it would make me happy, and he wonders if he loves me, but he doesn't.

 

Well there you go. He says he doesn't love you.

 

What else do you need? After two years, he should be fully invested. That he isn't shows you all you need to know.

 

It is possible he isn't capable of the kind of love you want. It's possible that he just likes the sex and there is no reason to leave because it works for him.

 

But you aren't going to get what you want from him. Even if you leave and he says "WAIT! NO! I DO love you!!!" - it will only be out of fear.

 

What is strange is he does things that shows me he loves me and our emotions have only grown stronger together but after two years I thought it would have developed, and so did he. He said that the feelings that he DOES have has never faded, not even a little.

 

Think about this... the things that he does to show you he loves you... do these things also benefit HIM? Like romantic evenings, taking you to dinners, etc? Does he do anything purely selfless?

 

I'm really confused. Should I give it some more time? Is he just waiting to be sure I'm the right girl? I know his definitely of love is a 'one time, once in a lifetime thing'. Or should I walk away?

 

How long are you willing to wait? If 2 years isn't long enough, how many more years do you want to gamble on him?

 

I can tell you that I am head-over-heels in love with this guy. Everything about him I find endearing, and I want to give him everything I have, and *very* recently I considered it possible to have a future with him.

 

If you are ok with things as they are, and not hearing "i love you", then stay. Only if you are satisfied with things as they are.

[katiegrl]

No man in love would allow their girlfriends to date other men.

 

I was just about to post the same thing.

 

Nothing else really even needs to be said cuz this pretty much says it ALL....and then some.

 

No man who cares about you the way he says he cares about you would ever be okay with having you date other man....let alone suggest you leave the RL so you can date other men.... so you can find a man who can give you the love you deserve.

 

JMO.... but I think what he told you about caring about you, etc. was a load of BS.

 

He was sending you a message to end it with him.... which I would strongly suggest you do.

 

Sorry....

Edited December 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[wb1988]

he cherishes me, has a very strong romantic connection (unlike with anyone else in his past), is very physically attracted to me, feels an emotional connection, great sexual connection, worries about me, cares for me, is happy with me, feels fulfilled with me and doesn't need anything else right now

 

Yeah that's love, he's in love with you whether he admits it or not. Actually it sounds like he doesn't even know it; there are so many people that don't realize it until it's gone.

 

The part about him mentioning dating other guys, yeah he's either really smart or a big fool. Telling a girl to see other guys is a great way to get her to like/love you even more. Think about it, you're really into this 1 person and he/she says to just go see someone else, now all you want to do is see that 1 person even more and dismiss everyone else.

 

My advice is to change nothing.

[Myragal]

You find everything about this man endearing?

 

We have very different standards. He would be save been history long ago.

 

Date other men? Doesn't say he loves you? Blech!

[katiegrl]

Yeah that's love, he's in love with you whether he admits it or not. Actually it sounds like he doesn't even know it; there are so many people that don't realize it until it's gone.

 

The part about him mentioning dating other guys, yeah he's either really smart or a big fool. Telling a girl to see other guys is a great way to get her to like/love you even more. Think about it, you're really into this 1 person and he/she says to just go see someone else, now all you want to do is see that 1 person even more and dismiss everyone else.

 

My advice is to change nothing.

 

Sorry but that makes no sense. She already expressed her deep love for him....and he responded he does not love her?

 

What guy who actually is in love would say that? And then tell her she needs to move on so she can find a man who actually can love her.

 

Below is from her original post:

 

"We recently had an argument and needed to learn to forgive each other, which we both did, but during that time I expressed a lot of intense love and affection towards him and he sort of panicked. He told me that he's never been in love with someone before, and he isn't in love now.

[katiegrl]

 

He's giving me the chance to leave so I can 'be loved'. I told him I wasn't ready to leave and he said he feels relieved because he *is* actually happy with me, but knows in the long run he can't marry someone he doesn't love.

 

Well... he pretty much told you right there is does not love you, never will, nor will he ever marry you.

 

Clearly he still wants to date you though (have sex with you).... so he's happy in that sense.

 

He can also do so guilt-free.... so when he finds a woman he DOES love (or gets tired of having sex with you, whichever comes first) and dumps you.... you can't be mad at him because he gave you the heads up that he doesn't love you, never will.... but you chose to continue dating him regardless.

 

So in his mind, when he dumps you.... the fault is yours for choosing to continue dating him knowing he does not love you...... not his for dumping you (after he finds a chick he IS into).

 

So he walks away guilt-free.... and you're left heart-broken.

Edited December 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[wb1988]

Sorry but that makes no sense. She already expressed her deep love for him....and he responded he does not love her?

 

Think about it for a minute longer and maybe you'll get it.

 

He acts and treats her like he loves her —doesn't matter if he says it or not, that's still love.

 

You want to keep the girl on her toes, his way of doing that (I guess) is to say that he hasn't fallen in love with her. He slipped up once by saying that he does but then brings it back by saying that it wasn't true.

 

There is this thing called 'interest level' and it's basically how much a person is into another, it's basically romantic love. There are people that love each other but are not 'in love', basically it's when they lose interest level. On paper it seems silly but one way to raise interest level is to push the person away. Him telling her to consider other guys will do that, and if you read her post it seems to have made her want him even more.

 

Once again the guy is either very smart or very stupid.

Edited December 10, 2015 by wb1988

[hippychick3]

Yeah that's love, he's in love with you whether he admits it or not. Actually it sounds like he doesn't even know it; there are so many people that don't realize it until it's gone.

 

The part about him mentioning dating other guys, yeah he's either really smart or a big fool. Telling a girl to see other guys is a great way to get her to like/love you even more. Think about it, you're really into this 1 person and he/she says to just go see someone else, now all you want to do is see that 1 person even more and dismiss everyone else.

 

My advice is to change nothing.

 

No man who is truly in love with someone would even suggest she date others. He may care deeply for her and enjoy the sex, but he is not in love with her and after 2 years most likely never will be.

[katiegrl]

Think about it for a minute longer and maybe you'll get it.

 

He acts and treats her like he loves her —doesn't matter if he says it or not, that's still love.

 

You want to keep the girl on her toes, his way of doing that (I guess) is to say that he hasn't fallen in love with her. He slipped up once by saying that he does but then brings it back by saying that it wasn't true.

 

There is this thing called 'interest level' and it's basically how much a person is into another, it's basically romantic love. There are people that love each other but are not 'in love', basically it's when they lose interest level. On paper is seems silly but one way to raise interest level is to push the person away.

 

Once again the guy is either very smart or very stupid.

 

Where did she post that he treats her like he loves her? I didn't read that.

 

They are long distance....and all I read was he said a bunch of flowery words (BS) to her.... that are meaningless in the grand scheme of things....especially when preceded by telling her he doesn't love her, never will, will never marry her and encouraged her to dump him so she can date other men! Talk about a mixed message!

 

I think you should think about it.... any other woman with even a modicum of self-respect and self-esteem would have dumped him right then and there.... and then where would he be?

 

His brilliant plan to keep her interested just backfired on him!

 

Assuming your theory to be correct... which it isn't IMO.

 

Plus again, she already expressed her deep love for him.... it was not necessary for him to do a damn thing to maintain her "interest level".....he already has her! She is in love with him!

 

That little game might work on a chick who is ambivalent about a guy, hot/cold, treating him like yesterday's newspaper.

 

But NOT on a chick who has already expressed deep love for him! That is ludicrous.

 

We can agree to disagree though... I'm cool with that.

Edited December 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[thecrucible]

My intuition is going for the same response as katiegrl.

 

This kind of situation reminds of something that happened with an ex boyfriend. The guy just wants to opt out of the relationship but have you on a string for the companionship and sex. He doesn't take any responsibility for the sly move of trying to get you to latch onto him more while he gets his thrills.

 

If it was me, I'd be inclined to say "I don't want to be in relationship with someone who doesn't love me the way I deserved to be loved. I'd rather be on my own", or words to that effect. I did that with my ex and his response was "Want to be friends with benefits then?" or something like that. Seriously, tell a guy you're leaving because you deserve better and you'll see him reveal his true feelings...

[katiegrl]

What is strange is he does things that shows me he loves me and our emotions have only grown stronger together but after two years I thought it would have developed, and so did he. He said that the feelings that he DOES have has never faded, not even a little.

 

Effleurer....what type of things does he do that show you he loves you? Can you elaborate on that a bit? And how often to you actually see each other?

 

Also, I have no doubt that the feelings he does have never faded....the question is ... what exactly are those feelings?

 

Certainly not love, he told you that.

 

Sexual attraction?

 

You are in love with him.... is that enough for you?

Edited December 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[Effleurer]

Ive brought just sexual attraction to his attention and he got a bit offended. He reminded me that we are in a long distance relationship and wouldn't stick around purely for that reason. "It would be nonsense." He said sexual attraction is easy to find and he wouldn't travel two hours by plane for it.

 

We see each other twice a month for a weekend. Which, in my opinion, is a lot for how far we are from each other.

 

In response to him doing things that make me feel like I'm loved by him.. I asked him to come a very specific weekend, pretty last minute and he booked it without question, even knowing that it cost him $800 rather than the usual $200 and he was not making very much at the time. He can sense what I'm thinking and takes the time to understand my pain and relieve it. He leaves work when I need to talk to him about something serious, even if he has to leave for several hours he makes up the time the next day. (He had to stay until 2am the following day for one discussion I had). He introduced me to his family, which was a first for him, and brought me around them a lot, he's very attuned to my needs, if we are doing something where one person has to be uncomfortable he will automatically assume that role. When he kisses me, he pulls away, closes his eyes tight, and smiles before continuing again. All things that I do only for people I love. I've tried to ask him how he defines love but he's not exactly sure, he just keeps saying "when I feel it I'll know. I'm not saying I'll never feel it for you but if I haven't gotten it by now I probably never will, right?"

 

I'm happy in the relationship, but he says he feels guilty if I stay waiting around for him and the feeling never comes, he wants the feeling to come, and he's open to it coming but he says it's probably unlikely at this point.

 

I just don't understand. I thought this maybe was a gender thing but I've never experienced this. I'm a very lucky girl with the way he treats me but I'm lost about this "I don't love you." And I'm afraid of walking away from something that may develop, but don't know if this is too long of a time frame. It's very confusing for me and my heart is breaking. He doesn't know what it feels like to have the most important person in your life tell you that you're not good enough right now. (Obviously he didn't say those exact words, I'm just inferring)

 

And I don't know if him loving me back is important. Its obviously important to him and It's important to feel love I suppose, that's the most important. What do you guys think?

Edited December 10, 2015 by Effleurer

[Maggie4]

Oh.. so you are long distance. That does make a difference.

I also think you are mismatched on how you express your feelings. When you give him intense displays of love, he is uncomfortable. That has to do with how his family is. Doesn't mean there was no love in his family, they just don't express it the way you do. When you are all loving and he cannot return the same display, he tells you to find someone else.

You said you would give him anything and that he's the most important person in your life, that's a big burden on someone who can't say it back. I don't know if you tell him these sentiments.

You are in love with him, so you have this exuberence. But check yourself, because this is long distance. Also, try to just be on the receiving end for a while. He experiences the feeling of receiving love (from you), but that is nothing compared to what he can feel when he gives love because giving is simply more intense.

I don't know if this is something you can work through