madeline36 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Dating a guy for eight months (I realize that's not long, I was married for 9 years) We had so much in common. Both the same age (30's) both graduated high school the same year, we got divorced the same year we both have two kids ( mine are very young, his are in high school) We got along great for the most part. He told me he loved me right away (and scared me lol) he was very into our relationship and so was I. We both own our homes so no moving in together or anything and I did not expect him to raise my kids. They have a father. My kids loved him though and he was very good to them. He often told me I was one of the best things to happen to him he was very lucky etc. I often did very nice things for him like making him and his kids dinner if he had to work late, suprising him with things he liked. Spending time with him, or if he had a hobby that required he didn't have a lot of time for me (hunting) I never complained and just went with the flow. We had an awesome sex life. He has done things with me he's never tried with anyone else before. The only major fight we got into was he got upset with me about not spending enough nights with him or enough time with him. So after that fight I started spending every weekend with him and would go see him more during the week. He seemed very happy. His best friend loves me and my kids too. He always told my boyfriend how lucky he was. Two days ago we took my kids to a parade, I spent the night we had fun. He even said what fun it was and reminded him of when his kids were little. We didn't see each other the next day but he called me and we talked for hours ( his idea) and we were happy and laughing and joking around. Next day we saw each other, I made him his favorite dinner we had great sex, he was so lovey toward me, kissing me and as I was leaving he pulled me close for more kisses saying I love kissing you I need another. Just being very sweet. I thought everything was GREAT. I was happy. And from his behavior, his words etc he appeared happy too. His kids liked me. I had already bought Christmas gifts for him and his kids! the morning of the day he broke up with me, he sent me the normal I love you text. We talked about seeing eachother later etc. Everything seemed fine. I stopped at his house to see him and we sat down and I was smiling and kissing him and he sat up and said "I don't think this is going to work out between us" At first I thought he was joking!! but no he was serious. Said he is SCARED. I said y, I don't want to get married, don't want to move in, I just want to date you, I'm not pushing for anything. He said he couldn't explain it, that it wasn't my kids wasn't me. That it was HIM. I asked if there was someone else. He said no. He started crying and I was just sitting there. He totally blindsided me. He gave me NO warning. No being distant, unaffectionate, no treating me badly. One day everything is great then someone is telling you he doesn't want to be with you and has no reason except he's "scared" Bullsh*t! When I mentioned the kids he cried harder and said maybe I will get over it, maybe we should try to work things out. Um yeah so I can just wait around and keep being good to him and loving him and wait for the axe to fall on my head again? no thank you! But my question is why? Why does someone just break up with you out of the blue after acting like everything is fine. He kept saying this fear had been eating him up for awhile now and he just had to end things because it wasn't fair to me. Today he's asking me what I'm thinking and saying he didn't sleep at all last night. how could someone that less than 24 hours ago told me he loves me seemed happy to be with me, just blindside me and dump me right before Christmas? I'm a single mom, my kids liked him they were used to seeing him and his kids. Doesn't anyone THINK before hurting anyone? Anyone have any ideas as to why he broke up with me with NO warning?
Samhain Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 This is why a lot of people will wait several months before introducing new people to their kids, I guess it does make sense. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he probably isn't "scared" at all. Not enough to warrant ending a relationship anyway. That's just an excuse.. What the real reason is, I have no idea, do you? Could there be someone else.. Could he be re-establishing a link with an ex? Usually when somebody out of the blue after being fine the day before ends a relationship, there is a reason and it's rarely the one they give to you. He told you he loved you straight away, that isn't the actions of somebody who is "scared". In fact it's usually a sign of something not quite right. So is ending things and then staying in contact and dangling bait and then reconciling and then doing the same again. I'm not suggesting he's emotionally abusive, but usually when somebody straight away declares their love and moves at 100 mph and then pulls the rug out it's a way of making you emotionally dependent on them and relationships that start that way usually end up going in a bad direction.
marky00 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Yep its normal... She was with my family at Xmas time. All was well. 6 weeks later i am in her country with my family on holiday and thrown in the trash. I was never expecting it. She got me real good..... like no-one ever has I am pretty angry at the stars that there was this positive momentum leading up to the end. It made me fall from so much higher. All other breakups i saw coming....... this one dint make sense and still doesn't 8 months later.
Mrin Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Hmmmm, I think some of the women that I've broken up with in the past would said it was totally out of the blue. But not quite like that. A few thoughts: 1. I have broken up "out of the blue" before. For me, it wasn't out of the blue. Rather, I just had a really good game face. The "fake it until you feel it". For me I thought I was really trying and that's why to her things seemed so perfect. But deep inside of me I had questions. To me, I felt totally justified that I had given it my all and it just wasn't working. But looking back, I see that not speaking my underlying concerns and not giving her (and I) a chance to address them was really cowardly and most decidedly not giving it my all. 2. Have you gained weight or changed your situation or appearance since you've started dating? This is really superficial but I can see it happening. Is it possible that the woman you are now is the not the woman he fell in love with? Like do you have any new health issues or financial issues? I could see that scaring a guy off. Not cool but just a possible explanation. 3. He could have met someone else. Unfortunately, this is the most probable reason. And it might not be a single somebody else. But he might just have realized that he wants to data around a bunch. Sow his wild oats. Has he done that yet? That's something I always looked for with women I dated (i'm 44). If they hadn't sowed the wild oats - especially post divorce - that was a BIG red flag. Regardless, that really sucks for you. I'd be really leery of giving him a second chance until a lot of water has flowed under the bridge. The only acceptable excuse to me would be #1. Hang in there! Mrin
Author madeline36 Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 Thank you all for responding. He swears there isn't anyone else but I'm becoming paranoid that there is. Because like everyone said, nothing makes sense. I didn't see any signs, he started spending MORE time with me not less, no new fb friends, he never hid his phone from me, he never blew me off. He always seemed happy to see me. Our sex life was great. he wasn't distant. So only thing that makes sense to me is he met someone else! If this is true, I hope she is worth it. This hurts like hell but I'm better off.
marky00 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 ur prolly right. When people leave u for someone else.... u do get that weird feeling that the relationship was kind of going ok ..... like it would have continued if someone else dint come on to the scene. I compare this to times when i was dumped and the dumper stayed single for like 6 to 12 months or so after. I think in that case, you know for sure your relationship was doomed because if someone chooses to be alone over being in a relationship with you... that speaks volumes about how they thought of you.
SunlightJune Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 I don't really get the vibe that theres someone else, I think this actually happens a lot. people do get scared, especially if things are moving fast or if they feel stuck or smothered in some emotional way. he might just have commitment issues. who knows. I think its best to just give him space and don't initiate contact unless he does. short responses if he does, until he truly apologizes and decides he doesn't want to lose you. so just focus on yourself for now and try not to get too caught up in all the whys. some people just get scared and cant shake that feeling and they feel guilty about hurting you - I've actually been there before, as someone who has issues with commitment myself. its a crummy feeling and it has everything to do with him, not you. so I guess just be supportive from a distance and lay whatever ground rules you want.
minimariah Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 2 possible reasons. -- he has someone else. -- he really was never into you at all but rather tried to force the love and connection which would explain out of the blue break up. folks try to fake it until they make it and once they realize that they can't and won't make it -- it all falls apart over night. it might seem sudden for you - but it was probably a long time coming for him. go NC.
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