Possible Grass is greener symptoms

[Jax13]

Hey Everyone, this is my first post and normally I wouldn't be online for support but this breakup I'm going through is very tough right now for me to understand. This may be long winded but I am hoping that someone can give me some advice. Here it goes:

 

 

My girlfriend (22) and I (23) recently broke up on Novemeber 1st after being in a LTR together for 4.5 years. We started dating in our freshman year of college, and once we finished college, we moved closer together for work. We were very much In love even through the 2 years of college when we lived 2.5 hours apart. We did everything we could to keep in contact be there for eachother. After college, we both moved back in with our parents to pay off loans and save money for a house together.

 

 

We often talked about our future, marriage, kids, what we'd name our kids, etc. The first couple years of our relationship I was immature and didn't want to think about marriage but the past year it had started to grow on me and I was actually considering proposing to her.

 

 

At the start of summer, she got an opportunity to move 20 hours away for a year to do some schooling that would help out her career here and be better for us in the long run for money and her hours. I didn't want her to leave but supported her dreams and said we could deal with whatever life threw at us. She said the hardest part of it all would be being away from me for a year. I promised I'd come visit at least once a month.

 

 

Fast forward to a month before the breakup. She had started wanting to go out and party more and had started texting a couple of her guy "friends" more. I never liked these specific guys and know that they are the type of guys that only try to sleep with girls every weekend. I told her multiple times to quit texting them and that they only want sex, not to be friends. While she assured me she was keeping it strictly as a friendship, I believed her as I had never any reason not to before. Well 2 weeks before we broke up, she got really drunk at the bar and said she was going home with her girl friends. I found out at 2:30am that she had actually went home with one of these guys and kissed him, then came back to my house. I was mad to say the least! We talked about it a couple times, and she reassured me it was because she was drunk and he kissed her and the second it happened, she left. We had sex a couple times after this and she said she was proving to me that I was the only one for her.

 

 

2 weeks later on Halloween, I was sick but she had all these plans to go out with her girlfriends again. I dropped her off with her girlfriends to go out. At 2:30am again I woke up and knew something was wrong. I texted her to find out where she was and said she was on her way to her girlfriends to spend the night. The next day she comes over and says she wants to talk... She tells me that she was in the cab with her girls, but when they got dropped off, she stayed in the cab and went to this guys place and slept with him. Now I was furious but something in my heart told me to give this girl a second chance if she was truly sorry and felt awful...Which She did.

 

 

Now for the past month I have been trying to find out what is going on with her. She says she is so confused, knows this guy is bad for her but he was giving her attention when I wasn't. I know our relationship had lost some spark after 4.5 years. This goes on for a few weeks of her trying to explain stuff to me that she's feeling, she even went to talk with her church leader to discuss her problems with commitment.

 

 

She knows she has control issues and wants everything perfect. I honestly believe this led to the "Grass is greener syndrome". She saw the spark fading in our relationship and as that was happening, this guy came in and started giving her attention and it felt good and she fell for it.

 

 

Her birthday was the end of November. She invited me over to be alone with her so I went all out... Baked her a cake, brought 12 roses and even bought some earrings for her. We hung out all night and I was so kind to her and showed her everything she said was missing in our relationship since the sparks died down. We talked a lot and I asked if she saw us getting back together. Her answer was that she still had some stuff to figure out, but that I should take the hint that she invited me over alone to spend her birthday with her. Awesome! I thought! There's a chance! Right before I left, she invited me to her room where we talked some and I said I needed to get going. She seemed really sad and then asked me for a hug. This wasn't just a short, goodbye hug, this was a long, drawn out, I love you hug... at least that's how I felt.

 

 

That weekend she goes out to the bar with some of my friends (I had to work early the next morning so I don't go). Well my good friends, and even her sister text me at 1:30am telling me to save her from this guy. Everyone else knows what kind of scumbag he is. Turns out she went home with him again. (I didn't care as much this time since we are actually broken up now, but it still hurts).

 

 

A week later, shes telling me that she doesn't ever think she can forgive herself for what she did, feels guilty everytime she looks at me because I'm so nice and she was so awful, and that she is worried she'll never be able to be in a relationship again because she doesn't trust herself. I know that she is very troubled right now so I don't know how much of what to believe. Another couple days go by and she finally finds out that she was accepted to school. I am so proud of her and congratulate her after she finds this out. After she tells me this, she phones me and tells me that she doesn't see us getting back together right now, and that sometimes people just aren't suppose to be together. She said she's moving and then says she knows it'll be difficult for me to see that so I should move on too. She then says she went on an actual date with this guy. Up until this point, she had never gone out in public with him out of shame and embarrassment. I didn't ask how it went, she just said it was different from me... not better, not worse. I know he's a little more "outgoing" than I am, in the sense that all he wants to do is go out and drink and party with his friends. I grew out of that a couple years after high school. My ex never went through the partying stage because she was from a small town and went off the college right after. I feel this time right now is her trying to get that partying out of her system before she heads off to school again in May for a year. Another text she sent me was that I can't wait for her forever. She had sent me this text before we even started dating when we were friends and I had asked her out shortly after she broke up with her High school boyfriend of 3 years. I was pretty persistent when she said this but she eventually came around after going on and off with him for a month and then finally realizing he was an A**hole. I did give her an ultimatum at that point that said, I can't go on not knowing what you pick, so you either pick me, or I'm leaving forever... It took 2 days for her to come running back to me.

 

 

After she told me to move on, I have had very little contact with her. I actually phoned her parents the next day while she was at work to thank them for everything they've done for me. They had been like parents to me and they said I was like a son to them. The whole family is very religious so we talked about God and his plans and praying for everything. Her dad told me to do everything in my power to win her back and that I have their blessing. They know this other guy and the kind of scumbag he is... Her dad told me that he would shoot him if he ever saw him on his farm.

 

 

My ex found out about this the other day while they were going on a family trip and texted me asking why I phoned her dad. I said just to thank them and let them know I still cared about everything. She said was shocked and then said she still has so many issues with this whole situation. I truly believe that she knows she's in a dark place right now but doesn't know exactly how to get out of it, even though she wants to. I think this family trip will give her time to talk with them about the situation, and also her going away for a year will also give her time to mature and think about what she truly wants for her future (and I hope it's not getting drunk and partying with scumbags).

 

 

Now I also believe that this situation is her way of acting out towards her parents who are fairly strict. In the 5 years I've know this girl, I know she is a very family, religion oriented girl with deep values and beliefs. Those values and beliefs match mine perfectly which is why I was ready to marry this girl. Does a girl with such strong values and beliefs ever just fall off the rails? and what does it take to get her back on? I know she and her sister are best friends and that they would do anything to be together... They even plan on living close to eachother and having kids at the same time so they can grow up. Now...Her sister apparently hates this other guy more than I do (don't know how that's possible). I'm pretty sure her sister will also do everything in her power to make sure my ex and this guy don't get together ever.

 

 

I have talked with my ex's sister and her boyfriend, my ex's best friend's husband, her parents, my good friends, and everyone says that we were great together and don't know why she threw it away. Everyone seems to be on my side of this haha. She is honestly alienating her friends and the people who truly love and care for her in exchange for a guy that charms her to sleep with her and his drunk, partying friends... Its like a battle between love and temptation (angel vs. devil on the shoulder).

 

 

I honestly think she's going to try all this partying, other guy for awhile and realize that it isn't what makes her happy in the long run and that she can't see a future there. She has told me that she truly values me as a person since I have all the same values, beliefs and qualities she wants in a life partner, it's just that she doesn't feel that romantic connection with me anymore. I know that our communication in the relationship lacked some depth, and that I somewhat took her for granted and didn't show the true emotions I had for her. I will regret that until the day I die (or get her back). But I also learned that these are little changes I need to make in myself. I just wish I had seen some of the signs sooner and would have started communicating and talking more so we didn't lose that spark. But I also feel that she dealt with this in her mind a lot and kept it bottled up and thought she could work it out without me. So in reality, we are both at fault for that.

 

 

Any opinions, ideas, advice would be welcome but still taken with a grain of salt on my part. If anyone wants anymore details, I'll try to give them.

 

 

thanks! and sorry for the long read.

Edited December 9, 2015 by Jax13

[Jax13]

I have been slowly updating my original post with some more details.

 

 

I have read about the "grass is greener syndrome" and our break up fits all the major points of it. I know something is wrong with her because she told me that she is so stressed out about everything that she has lost 6 pounds and her clothes fit differently. Considering she only weighs 110 and eats a lot regularly... I know something is really wrong.

 

 

I think the fear of moving away for a year is a major part of this. She fears that she will be abandoned by all her friends when she leaves and that they'll forget about her. So she is going out and meeting all these new people to try to feel wanted and good now, but in reality they will be the first ones to forget her once she leaves.

 

 

Another item is that she knows in her mind what is going on, but her emotions and everything are completely shut down and she almost just gives up. She is the type of person to be so determined to work through things and now she just isn't even trying. She just is closed off to anyone who cares about her.

[SunlightJune]

You two are very young and this isn't a case of her falling off the rails, this is a case of life happening and a young person having new experiences both good and bad, people change, things don't stay the same forever. She's obviously super embarrassed about what she did and the guilt from that is what is keeping her away from you, so I'm really not sure what to tell you at this point because I've kind of been in her shoes before and its very difficult for her to realize she's making a bad decision (she knows she is, but its difficult to fix it due to the guilt) almost like she'd rather cut ties than look at herself in the mirror and face it. its really up to you whether you want to twiddle your thumbs and wait for her - but I don't really see how its fair that she's off running around while you're sitting there waiting in the wings for her to get her act together. Do whatever feels best for you. Theres like a 90% chance she will regret what she did and regret breaking up with you, but there's nothing you can really do at this point to make her come to that conclusion right now. You've already done everything you can do. I guess the only thing left to do is wait it out and see what happens. Cant believe people my age (23) even think about marriage this young, due to these exact reasons, your 20s, especially early 20s are all about figuring out who you are and making mistakes. No one avoids that period of their life.

[Amelie1980]

OP alot of people on here, me included think GIGS is bull s h i t.

 

It's just life happening and generally they want to move on rather than stick with an old relationship that no longer works.

[Jax13]

While I do realize that at 23 we still have some growing up and life experiences to go through. I do believe that I know who this girl is and she is just going through a mental breakdown now. A person doesn't just all of a sudden snap and completely throw all their values and beliefs out the window for their whole life.

 

I refuse to believe that the relationship didn't work. I feel she gave up and felt there was no hope in fixing it after she cheated. I just want the chance to try to fix this situation and work through it rather than just throw it away without a chance. I learned all the mistakes I made in the relationship and know how to fix them... but she has told me she's not sure if she can get back what we had after feeling all this guilt.

[Amelie1980]

While I do realize that at 23 we still have some growing up and life experiences to go through. I do believe that I know who this girl is and she is just going through a mental breakdown now. A person doesn't just all of a sudden snap and completely throw all their values and beliefs out the window for their whole life.

 

I refuse to believe that the relationship didn't work. I feel she gave up and felt there was no hope in fixing it after she cheated. I just want the chance to try to fix this situation and work through it rather than just throw it away without a chance. I learned all the mistakes I made in the relationship and know how to fix them... but she has told me she's not sure if she can get back what we had after feeling all this guilt.

 

Actually they do just throw it all away. My beliefs in my 20s are very different to now. People change as they grow.

 

She's decided she doesn't want you and you're saying it's a mental break down? That's really unfair of you to say you know better than her what she wants.

 

She's slept with someone else and doesn't want to fix it with you. Her saying she feels so bad about sleeping with someone else that she can't possibly fix it is her way of saying I don't want to fix it. She's let you down gently.

 

There's nothing you can do.

Edited December 10, 2015 by Amelie1980

[Jax13]

While I do think that your points have some merit. Especially since she says one thing about this guy and then does another. I have known this girl for 5 years and I can honestly say that I do know her almost as well as she does, just can't read her mind haha. If I could do that, I wouldn't be in this situation.

 

 

She is one of the most stubborn people when she gets an idea in her head even if she knows it's completely wrong. She will go out of her way to go through with something, just to prove to herself what others have already been saying. I think that's how she is with this guy. Everyone says he's a scumbag, and she has said that too. But she's so stubborn and started on this path that she is determined to see it through and prove to herself that everyone was right. She's one of those people that has to learn for themselves and doesn't really let anyone else influence their decisions. Which is one of the reasons I love her so much. She's very strongly independent.

 

 

She is not just this way with me. She does it to her sister, who she loves more than anything, too. If she gets in a mindset, and someone tells her not to do something, she will go do it, just to make them mad. Nothing was ever as bad as this though.

 

 

There are a couple other little things that she said she wished we had in our relationship like spending more alone time together to see if we are truly compatible for marriage. We didn't get a chance to do this much before she bolted. I've told her many times now that we can work on that, but that's something that we pretty much have to be back together to prove to her that it would change.

 

 

Like I said, I'm thankful for everyone's replies, but I'm taking them a grain of salt if I feel they don't completely understand the situation and know the two of us.

[marky00]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

Believe me I know how it feels.

 

I have to be honest but... in all my relationships where i was dumped and I found out my gf was either seeing a guy or seeing one shortly after, they broke up with me and never came back.

 

Sure they feel guilty, confused, sad and all that but..... they want out.

 

Look, I know you hear the odd story of Ex'z running back when they realize they make a mistake but these cases are rare and don't usually apply to LTRs like ours.

 

Look I really hope this new bf treats her badly and she regrets her decision.

 

In my case my Ex replaced me with a guy who I know she loves a lot and respects (she had known him for years but he was in a relationship).

 

I dont think your Ex is coming back but at least you get the comfort that this new bf is prolly not the real deal and it wont last the distance.

[Blanco]

So, basically, unless someone says it's GIGS, you're going to dispute their take on your situation.

[Jax13]

Haha I know it seems like that and yes I am just trying to understand the situation. We talked honestly a lot after the break up and what led to it and I truly believe she was very open and honest with me. There were details that I had heard from friends that I figured she would never tell, but she did.

 

 

I honestly just think she is so conflicted and doesn't know if she can come back due to the guilt of cheating on me. I have told her time and time again that I am willing to work through forgiveness but she says she doesn't know if she can forgive herself and ever have a meaningful relationship that could end in marriage now.

 

 

I told her one day a week or so ago that all relationships experience setbacks, and the only way to get through them is to work through them together. She agreed but said that she needs the time alone to fix herself before she can try being in a relationship again. I even said that if we were able to work through this, our relationship would be stronger than ever before. Her answer was "I know it would :(" and then said she's being difficult. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what all her signals mean and which ones she's really serious about.

 

 

I've pretty much been ignoring her since Saturday and Today she texted me telling me all about her family Christmas and telling me about the new baby her cousins had and that it made her so happy. She also told me about a car accident her sister had that apparently no one else knows about and I'm not suppose to say anything. She then went on to ask what my dad did at work after I quit answering her. We were together for 4 years and she knew exactly what my dad did at work. I really felt this was a stretch for her just to get in touch with me.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am one of the posters here who doesn't believe in "GIGS." I think a lot of dumpees try to convince themselves it is, because it's easier to accept if they believe their ex simply "caught" GIGS, likes it's some separate entity or disease than can somehow be cured.

 

She is not suffering a mental breakdown. If you ever truly witness one someday, you will see that what she's doing these days is not indicative of some sort of mental implosion. She fell out of love with you. She was willing to compromise everything you had because her heart wasn't in it anymore. She is young and she has changed from the girl you once knew. And people do throw away what they've developed for years, relationships they've invested in, and so on. I'm in my mid-30s and I can't tell you how many times I've seen this happen. Needs and expectations and desires evolve, particularly in our teens and 20s. That is what is going on here.

 

What she did is crappy. It speaks a lot about her character to be able to step out on you without first breaking up with you. Stop talking to her family about this; it's not their business and it crosses boundaries. iI doesn't matter what they or anyone else think of this new guy in her life, because it doesn't change a darned thing. She still cheated on you and chose to end the relationship.

 

You would be better off asking yourself why you're doing mental gymnastics trying to rationalize her cheating. I know it hurts; I've been betrayed too. Channel that energy instead into opening a new chapter of your life and healing yourself.

[Silver_star]

While I do think that your points have some merit. Especially since she says one thing about this guy and then does another. I have known this girl for 5 years and I can honestly say that I do know her almost as well as she does, just can't read her mind haha. If I could do that, I wouldn't be in this situation.

 

 

She is one of the most stubborn people when she gets an idea in her head even if she knows it's completely wrong. She will go out of her way to go through with something, just to prove to herself what others have already been saying. I think that's how she is with this guy. Everyone says he's a scumbag, and she has said that too. But she's so stubborn and started on this path that she is determined to see it through and prove to herself that everyone was right. She's one of those people that has to learn for themselves and doesn't really let anyone else influence their decisions. Which is one of the reasons I love her so much. She's very strongly independent.

 

There are a couple other little things that she said she wished we had in our relationship like spending more alone time together to see if we are truly compatible for marriage. We didn't get a chance to do this much before she bolted. I've told her many times now that we can work on that, but that's something that we pretty much have to be back together to prove to her that it would change.

 

 

Like I said, I'm thankful for everyone's replies, but I'm taking them a grain of salt if I feel they don't completely understand the situation and know the two of us.

 

 

Aww, she sounds adorable. So stubborn and strong willed, so fiercely independent. Just leaving you in the dust for that scumbag that she knows will treat her poorly...when will she learn. Funny girl. Too bad she left you, hope she comes back and gives you a shot at more alone time after she is done partying and meeting MANY other guys, and then you will truly know if you are compatible for marriage.

 

 

Sorry for the sarcasm, but it all just sounds ridiculous. Go ahead and take legit objective advice with a grain of salt. It seems like you aren't taking her actions seriously either. She completely left you, and said she felt "no romantic connection anymore". That is pretty clear. Even if she is wishy washy about it. I would advise you to move on because you are only going to get stuck in the friendzone, and be subjected to more heartbreak watching her get further away from you emotionally. Go NC, and start to heal, so you can have another relationship. Another woman will come along.

 

 

Good luck with whatever you choose.

[Sparta]

First off can someone explain what (GiGS) tell me what that stands for..?

[Silver_star]

First off can someone explain what (GiGS) tell me what that stands for..?

 

 

Grass is greener syndrome. When the other person wants to see what else is out there...thinking there may be better options.

I always say if a guy/girl is constantly looking around the corner for something better, they will never be happy. Let them go.

[Amelie1980]

She is not suffering a mental breakdown. If you ever truly witness one someday, you will see that what she's doing these days is not indicative of some sort of mental implosion.

 

This x 1000%

 

I had a bout of severe depression many years ago...I would call that a mental breakdown.

 

I could function just enough to go to work, as I didnt want to lose my job, I went onto auto pilot to function at work.

 

But out of work, I lay in bed, crying, not bathing often enough, neglecting my health and my life.

 

Your ex is out having a great time partying with a new guy.....I could not have done any of that when I had a mental breakdown. I couldnt get out of bed and struggled to brush my teeth when I had a mental breakdown.

 

She just doesnt want you anymore and is enjoying her life without you in it.

 

But I dont think anything will convince you of this. So just keep going and let us know when she tires of you and tells you to leave her alone. She WILL run out of patience.

Edited December 11, 2015 by Amelie1980

[marky00]

I honestly don't blame the OP for his thoughts ..... hell I still think my Ex regrets her decision 10 months post breakup.

 

It sucks that dumpers don't just take the gloves off at breakup, tell us how much they hate us so we can move on heaps faster etc etc.

 

Saying they are confused, there may be hope in the future, they feel terrible just makes it harder for us.

 

Its ironic but dumpers who are touted as being cruel for dumping over text etc probably do the dumpee a favour long-term. There is no confusion. They ran away.

[Amelie1980]

I honestly don't blame the OP for his thoughts ..... hell I still think my Ex regrets her decision 10 months post breakup.

 

It sucks that dumpers don't just take the gloves off at breakup, tell us how much they hate us so we can move on heaps faster etc etc.

 

Saying they are confused, there may be hope in the future, they feel terrible just makes it harder for us.

 

Its ironic but dumpers who are touted as being cruel for dumping over text etc probably do the dumpee a favour long-term. There is no confusion. They ran away.

 

They don't tell us they hate us because they dont. Why would they.

 

I can see why his ex has run off partying with another guy. H sounds quite stifling and controlling saying it's a mental breakdown and she doesn't know what she's doing.

Edited December 11, 2015 by Amelie1980

[marky00]

They don't tell us they hate us because they dont. Why would they.

 

 

Hmmmm

 

Well I dont mean they hate us for the relationship and the memories. And I know long-term they will generally look back with a fondness.

 

But at the time of breakup, there is a lot of vented up tension and resentment for their situation which translates into a type of hate, sorry to say. They don't hate you as a person but they develop a hatred for you as a partner..... and that feeling is necessary to help them break up with you.

[Jax13]

Well after some consideration of the situation...and realizing nothing is going to be solved fast, I think it's time I need to move on and save my own health. I still love the girl that she use to be when we were together and I will always have those fond memories of her, which is what makes this so hard... that and she was my dream girl physically, intellectually, and religiously. however I do see that she has changed and is not the girl I love right now. Right now, she's acting like a spoiled, drunken party sl*t. At 23, after talking about our future together and her going back to school so that she could have regular hours to raise a family together, I thought she had outgrown that party phase. I still think in the long run she'll smarten up and realize what she threw away. I want her to beg for me back, because that'll feel good, but I truly believe I am the better person here.

 

 

While I did start to take her for granted and not show as much emotion after 4 years, I still loved her with my whole heart to the moon and back, and would have done anything for her. I understand LTR have ruts, but that doesn't mean someone just up and leaves because it gets "boring". You work on things and through things, instead of cheating with the first douche that charms her and tries to get into her pants.

 

 

Again, I know she will realize what she had in time, and I even doubt that whatever she has with him will last much longer than a couple months...if that. Her true values and beliefs will keep her from staying with this guy for any period of time.

 

 

Just an FYI of what brought this on... I was working today and saw them driving around together, happy as could be.