spriggan2 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Ok get ready to roll your eyes at this one...Should win the award for most useless/petty post of the day, but if you're up for it bear with me. Basically I've been in an LDR with this girl for like 6 months. Relationship's been all over the place but we both really like and care about each other so we're trying to make it work, without killing ourselves. Early on I had a phone conversation with her and she brought up the topic of saying "I miss you/I love you." What she told me was she doesn't like it when one person says "I miss you," and the other person responds with "I miss you too." Her point was that when the person adds "too" it comes across like they aren't really feeling it in that moment, they are just feeling the need to respond in kind. She'd prefer if the person simply responded with "I miss you." I pushed back a little saying I didn't really agree. I offered an example in which "too" would be used to concur with a sentiment and it didn't necessarily lessen the feeling. She doubled down on her argument and I relented. We were both quite casual about it, but I could see this meant something to her, so I was like OK and basically got behind the idea. Why not? So 2 or so months go by and I'm keeping myself disciplined. Every time she says I miss you, I say I miss you without the too and I pat myself on the back like a chump. Sometimes I even say "I miss you more." A bit later we had a text conversation that went something like this: Her: I miss you Me: I miss you more Her: I find it funny you don't add the too at the end Me: I've been educated Her: Oh I've already had that conversation with you? Me: Yeah Her: Hmm and I was thinking it meant we were soulmates Nvm the implication that she's had this conversation with enough SO's (or maybe just friends in general) in the past that she couldn't keep track of whether she already covered it with her current BF. That element bothered me but I realized it was definitely more my issue than hers and I got over it. What I'm hoping you take away from this is the fact that she brought up the "I miss you" thing a 2nd time in our relationship, reinforcing the fact that this is very important to her. Ok. So fast forward to a month and a half ago. I fly out to visit her for a weekend and we have an...oh, I dunno..not the best time in the world. She's in grad school and she was really stressed out. She didn't give me as much attention as she probably could have. I was a nervous dope and I didn't make as much of an effort to engage her as I definitely should have. We were departing on a relatively sour note and I say to her "I'll miss you." She says to me "I'll miss you too," in a very unenthusiastic way. I note this and think its an ominous sign but say nothing. It bugs me because even though the too thing means very little to me, I know it means something to her, so if she's using it, then maybe on her end it means she's not feeling the connection. And then what do you know, a week later we have a mini-break up and she confirms to me that she was pulling away/losing attraction. Time passes. After a month of no contact she comes to my city because she had already booked the flight before the break up. We talk. We discuss our problems. We have a sweet time. We end up keeping in touch and then of course fall back into an amorous relationship, but its not as committed, so less pressure. Ok now here's the contentious bit. Earlier tonight I tried to call her to say hi but she was busy, out with friends. She texted me back saying how are you, and I say I'm good and I miss her and I add a little joke. She responds with...you guessed it..."lol I miss you too." The old "too" that I never gave a fig about reared its ugly head again. Of course this bugs me because it's bringing back the crappy feeling I got before, although this time, there's no additional evidence of her pulling away to give it any substance, and I really really trust this girl and am secure in knowing that she cares about me. The real reason it bothers me is because she made a thing about not using it, and yet she used it once before, and now she's using it again. Meanwhile I'm sweating over not using it to make her happy. So what do I do? I text her right back saying: "Lol you know I used to worry about adding the too at the end." And for some reason, immediately after I do this I feel like a jerk. It's finals week at her school and she's been under a lot of stress. She sort of screwed up a test she was taking yesterday and was bummed out about it. Last week she had been unbelievably generous with her time in supporting me on a personal issue I had. So should I really have brought it up when she was out hanging with friends? She might have just not been paying attention. We've had a relationship talk where we discussed how she has a tendency to share her issues with me immediately, while I'm always reticent to share mine and often don't, and how communication would probably be the best route. If something bothers me I should say. But was it appropriate in this particular instance? If anyone actually gets to the end of this...should I have said what I said or just let it go? Or is it not that big of a deal? She's read the text and didn't respond which is rare for her but not unprecedented. I just want to know, in this phase of our relationship, as I begin attempting to vocalize my gripes, is this something that would be considered too petty?
shyguy3543 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 I wouldn't sweat it too much. I don't think it means that she's adding that "too" into her sentence to send some sort of message that she doesn't actually miss you and she's just saying it to say it. When she had told you she doesn't like that, she probably didn't think much of it and it isn't a huge thing to her, but just a little thing that she noticed and it just came up in convo when she thought about it. As far as whether or not it was a good thing to say that, I don't know, unfortunately! I probably would've done something similar. Communication is better than no communication, right? 1
avintagegirl Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 As for as the most recent too, she might have been exhausted, distracted and while when she is mindfully in the moment she feels peevish about the word too, it could be that she had a lot on her plate at the moment. That said, do keep an eye out for small signals. It could be once she is a week or two out of classes you are back in sync again. Until then, hang tight and give her the benefit of the doubt.
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 I don't think it's too petty, it was petty of her to bring up the whole 'too' thing in the first place. I cringed when I saw you'd put 'I've been educated', makes you look really weak like you just get moulded into whatever type of person she wants you to be. I guess if a guy did change something that I found particularly bothersome that would be sweet, but the 'I've been educated' just rubbed me up the wrong way. Not that that's really the point... So, if this is a huge issue for her and you've adapted to appease her, then she gives it back to you (something she believes shows that you don't actually feel it), I'd be worried and wouldn't hesitate to bring it up. I don't really see the point though. Doesn't sound like it's going anywhere, I mean you had a crappy time when you visited, and then broke up once already, back together and now way less committed, despite being a LDR? It's petty but I'd be tempted to start using 'miss you too' whenever I felt like it from now on instead of modifying your speech to make her feel like you care more, then if she brings it up tell her you've noticed she doesn't care as much about it anymore and you've never seen it as a problem so what's the big deal? Petty but might show her you can't just be pushed around and moulded into whatever she wants you to be, maybe she'll gain more respect for you for standing up for yourself. 3
Versacehottie Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Time passes. After a month of no contact she comes to my city because she had already booked the flight before the break up. We talk. We discuss our problems. We have a sweet time. We end up keeping in touch and then of course fall back into an amorous relationship, but its not as committed, so less pressure. Ok now here's the contentious bit. Earlier tonight I tried to call her to say hi but she was busy, out with friends. She texted me back saying how are you, and I say I'm good and I miss her and I add a little joke. She responds with...you guessed it..."lol I miss you too." The old "too" that I never gave a fig about reared its ugly head again. Of course this bugs me because it's bringing back the crappy feeling I got before, although this time, there's no additional evidence of her pulling away to give it any substance, and I really really trust this girl and am secure in knowing that she cares about me. The real reason it bothers me is because she made a thing about not using it, and yet she used it once before, and now she's using it again. Meanwhile I'm sweating over not using it to make her happy. So what do I do? I text her right back saying: "Lol you know I used to worry about adding the too at the end." And for some reason, immediately after I do this I feel like a jerk. It's finals week at her school and she's been under a lot of stress. She sort of screwed up a test she was taking yesterday and was bummed out about it. Last week she had been unbelievably generous with her time in supporting me on a personal issue I had. So should I really have brought it up when she was out hanging with friends? She might have just not been paying attention. We've had a relationship talk where we discussed how she has a tendency to share her issues with me immediately, while I'm always reticent to share mine and often don't, and how communication would probably be the best route. If something bothers me I should say. But was it appropriate in this particular instance? If anyone actually gets to the end of this...should I have said what I said or just let it go? Or is it not that big of a deal? She's read the text and didn't respond which is rare for her but not unprecedented. I just want to know, in this phase of our relationship, as I begin attempting to vocalize my gripes, is this something that would be considered too petty? Listen if she is going to be SOOOOO pedantic and high-maintence over the addition of the word "too" especially coupled with one of the nicest statements one can say, YOU certainly have every right to call her out on not sticking with it herself. If you didn't, she has you seriously wrapped around her little finger which will have her losing interest anyway! So she is pouting or even pissed now?? So?? Reasonably you did nothing wrong. By the ludicrous arrangement SHE set up, you two are not supposed to respond to each other like that. Putting aside the fact that it is one of the dumbest and most controlling things I have ever heard, the fact that she acts like that rule applies only to you and not to her, is just further evidence of her narcissism. Definitely, be proud that you sent that text back. Stop pussyfooting around her and her outrageous demands--it's your only chance to really be her bf. If you "lost" her because of sending that text, I guarantee that for the rest of your life (once you were over it), you would be laughing at how ridiculous this gf was and what a bullet you dodged. You are entrenched in it now so you don't see that. All the luck in the world--you are definitely going to need it. ps your writing style is nice. seems like the sign of a smart and charming guy, who doesn't need to put up with these shenanigans! 5
winny Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 You seem cool... the girl thinks she is too smart n amazing. Why dont u just ignore her and find someone else? 1
VeveCakes Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Agree with Versacehottie. What a psychotic thing to obsess over on her part, people using "too", then she uses it herself? Can we say, hypocrite? 3
kismetkismet Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Yup that's incredibly inane on her part.. YOU stress out over the too because she has specifically stated that to HER it means a particular thing. I'm sure that if she hadn't gone on about that tiny detail then you wouldn't have thought twice about it. I think in relationships it can be good to explain what you mean by a certain thing. Maybe to her when she says "I miss you too" it means less than "I miss you." but she should accept that the phrases could have different meaning to you. With one boyfriend our way of saying 'i miss you' was to say 'i wish we were in portland' haha. It's one thing to say that's what you mean by it, but it's another entirely to have a long debate about it. She sounds a bit high maintenance, or at least focusing on the wrong things. To be fair, when I think about it I realize that whenever my current (newish) boyfriend says I love you, I always say "I love you" with no 'too' back, but i didn't really think about it too much until this post. I think that I do it for the exact reason your gf is saying - it seems more genuine in my mind to just say it without the too. But I really wouldn't even register it if he added the 'too' in there.. 2
losangelena Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 OP, is your GF this finicky about other things? 2
winny Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 You guys need to chill.... words are just words unless they have actions associated with them to prove they are true. Some people never talk much or even like to text... if u tell them i miss u or i love u they may not say much... but would be there for you always... and some people text n text n text n talk n talk... tell u the sweetest stuff but vanish when u need them in real. if someone said... "i miss u" or "miss u" or "i miss u too" in text... to me they are all same... who cares really... if someone actually misses u .. u know... they send you many messages... ask u questions... stay in contact when away...if u dont respond they worry... u just know... u dont have to think so much.. 1
Riptide91 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 First, I can understand the whole "too" scenario. My ex-gf was similar in the way that she found it to be hurtful if I replied to an "I love you" text with "love you too" or anything of the sort. She said it felt forced and that I didn't mean it as much as she did. She was never high maintenance but that was one thing that really bothered her. So maybe there are women out there who these little details really do matter to. Next, are you feeling that her saying the "too" at the end is showing a sign of disinterest? Because I would read into that after she made a HUGE deal about it and then goes back on exactly what she told you not to do. I think you were right in asking about it. I'm actually interested to what she said back to you, as I don't think you included that part. 1
katiegrl Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) Oh man, your post was hilarious OP (I mean that in the nicest way). Very entertaining....thanks for that! Busy day. Now to your dilemma.... Have you ever considered replying "ditto!" or "right back at ya!" or simply "I miss you!" (emphasis on you). Agree with the others she sounds neurotic and most definitely a hypocrite. Edited December 10, 2015 by katiegrl
thecrucible Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 I think how you responded was fine and I understand how you feel. Has she responded to your last text? To be honest, I wish the only thing I could complain about in my dating life is a man writing 'too' at the end of a text! 1
hippychick3 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 She sounds petty and unfortunately not very into you anymore...at least not into you enough. It seems you are barely holding on to something that was over a long time ago. There are many girls out there who would appreciate you more than she has and not bat an eye at the word "too" which happens to be the most ridiculous thing I've heard all day (and I've heard a LOT of ridiculous crap today). 1
Versacehottie Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Oh man, your post was hilarious OP (I mean that in the nicest way). Very entertaining....thanks for that! Busy day. Now to your dilemma.... Have you ever considered replying "ditto!" or "right back at ya!" or simply "I miss you!" (emphasis on you). Agree with the others she sounds neurotic and most definitely a hypocrite. My guess is that "ditto" would send this chick over the edge. Totally unacceptable. LOL 2
katiegrl Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 My guess is that "ditto" would send this chick over the edge. Totally unacceptable. LOL LOL...yeah it was joke.....but did you ever see the movie "Ghost"? With Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze? Whenever she told him she loved him, he would always reply "ditto." Then when he was killed and came back as a "ghost" .... he finally told her he loved her... to which SHE replied "ditto." Man I balled like a baby at that scene....... This thread reminded me of that, that's why I said it. 2
Versacehottie Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 oh yeah I got the sarcasm of ditto! Haven't seen the demi moore movie but yes I get it---something off the cuff casual can have an even deeper meaning because it is so specific to the couple. Too bad OP's girl is SOOOOOO controlling she will never get one of those since she is dictating his speech patterns!!!!!@ 1
winny Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 There are people in this world whom no one is missing and there are these silly girls holding on one word and making such a big deal out of it... wow:lmao:
Author spriggan2 Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 Update for anyone interested. The following day she said hello and I responded. Me: so are we dropping the too from our amorous declarations? Her: lol you can say what you want you know Me: I know but you told me it bothered you Her: I didn't say it bothered me. I told you what I think it means Me: oh ok, and what did you think it means again Her [2 hours later]: that the person doesn't really own the sentiment. It's a very small thing. Me: Yikes. Ok. Well if I use it it means nothing of the sort. Her: Lol ok. Understood. January 2nd, 2016 Her: How was your New Years Eve? Miss me? Me: New Year's Eve was cool. Went downtown. Danced a little. Drank. Missed you yeah. Her: You forgot the I in I missed you. Me: ... Me [inside my head]: Nooooooooooo It's gonna be a long year.. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 OMG. Well grow a pair and get rid of her. She sounds like a royal pain in the a**. And your the guy she steamrolls all over--do you really want to be that? Life is too short. I love an update but at a certain point unless you make a change yourself, you are a significant part of the problem, not just her. Good luck 3
katiegrl Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Update for anyone interested. The following day she said hello and I responded. Me: so are we dropping the too from our amorous declarations? Her: lol you can say what you want you know Me: I know but you told me it bothered you Her: I didn't say it bothered me. I told you what I think it means Me: oh ok, and what did you think it means again Her [2 hours later]: that the person doesn't really own the sentiment. It's a very small thing. Me: Yikes. Ok. Well if I use it it means nothing of the sort. Her: Lol ok. Understood. January 2nd, 2016 Her: How was your New Years Eve? Miss me? Me: New Year's Eve was cool. Went downtown. Danced a little. Drank. Missed you yeah. Her: You forgot the I in I missed you. Me: ... Me [inside my head]: Nooooooooooo -------- It's gonna be a long year.. ^^A verrrrrrryyyyyy looonnngggg year. Happy 2016!
Maggie4 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 spriggan2, I feel bad for you cos this is not how relationships should be. She is your first gf and you are taking what she says too seriously. People often don't watch what they say. She didn't ask you to not use "too". You decided to do that yourself, which was overboard, and now you know it was unnecessary. You didn't even agree with it, yet you did it and compromised yourself. This relationship is on its way out. But you learned something about yourself. Next time, don't worry so much. It helps if a father or father figure is around to give you perspective on such things (unless you've witnessed your father toe the line every time your mother speaks, in which case he wouldn't be so helpful).
thecrucible Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 She sounds awfully controlling. I would get out of it as this is only the beginning. 1
katiegrl Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Update for anyone interested. The following day she said hello and I responded. Me: so are we dropping the too from our amorous declarations? Her: lol you can say what you want you know Me: I know but you told me it bothered you Her: I didn't say it bothered me. I told you what I think it means Me: oh ok, and what did you think it means again Her [2 hours later]: that the person doesn't really own the sentiment. It's a very small thing. Me: Yikes. Ok. Well if I use it it means nothing of the sort. Her: Lol ok. Understood. -------- January 2nd, 2016 Her: How was your New Years Eve? Miss me? Me: New Year's Eve was cool. Went downtown. Danced a little. Drank. Missed you yeah. ***Her: You forgot the I in I missed you.*** Me: ... Me [inside my head]: Nooooooooooo It's gonna be a long year.. Is there a chance she may have been joking? Because of the silliness that went down previously about the use of the word *too*? I could see myself making a joke like that. Maybe you could have responded with *lol* or *haha*. I dunno, just a thought......
Recommended Posts