So... I kissed this other girl...

[shyguy3543]

Hey guys,

 

I've got another long story for you guys. I'll try to keep it shorter than the last time I posted a long story in the second chances forum haha. Some of these events may be slightly out of order, but ah, I tried.

 

THANK YOU ALL IN ADVANCE FOR READING AND RESPONDING!!! Seriously, you guys are all great. And I hope I can help you out in your situations too!

 

Synopsis: She's taken by some dude that came out of nowhere. We both like each other and things got to the point where we had to tell each other even though she's in a relationship. She realized she needs time to focus on some very serious things that are bugging her in life right now and wants time away and sort of dating type stuff to figure those things out.

 

My question is: What do I do now?! Do I keep her close as a friend and hope she sees how great we can be once she's ready? Do I pay attention for making another move when it seems right? Do I distance myself? Do i just forget it all and accept we'll just be friends? Do I cut her out of my life? (not gonna do that last one lol)

 

In November of 2014, when my ex and I broke up, a few weeks had gone by when I started talking to a girl on Instagram who had randomly started following me probably about a year beforehand because she posted a quote from a song that I found relatable to my situation. We started talking and it turned out that she was going through a breakup too.

 

A couple of weeks later, we wound up meeting in person. We started talking every day via text about our situations. We started texting each other good morning and good night. I was developing feelings for her (she was developing feelings for me too, as I recently was told). Her ex wound up working his way back into the picture and around mid-January, they got back together. I kind of shrugged it off and didn't let it affect me and wound up acknowledging that I wasn't really over my ex and this girl seemed to good to risk turning into a rebound.

 

We didn't speak much after she got back with her ex. Just the occasional Facebook posts to say happy birthday and little things, but that's it. Let's fast forward to early September...

 

We started talking again. She was looking for support on the idea of breaking up with her boyfriend because he was back to his old ways. I assured her that if he was still acting the same way, it was time to cut him off. Our conversation, even though it was just a little text convo, reminded me of how easy it was to talk to this girl and how awesome our senses of humor work together. Anyway, we made plans to meet up a couple of nights later.

 

We met up at a bar/restaurant kind of place, along with her best friend (who actually started dating my best friend just a few weeks later haha. They're now going 2 months strong! ). She told us that she broke up with her boyfriend the night before. In my mind, I was thinking about hanging out with her more and getting to actually know her better while she gets over her ex and asking her out in at least couple of months or so. That's exactly when the curve ball came in though! Some dude on Facebook that she went to high school with messaged her saying that he has had a crush on her since middle school and wanted to ask her for her number to take her out. I couldn't believe it when she actually gave him her number and they started talking about meeting up. All of this happened when I was sitting there at the table with her.

 

A week later, she told me that she was seeing him. I didn't know if that meant just going out to dinner with him or if they were already exclusive. A few days later, even though I really wanted to wait and give her time to get over her ex, I wound up asking her out to dinner. She declined and explained that she saw me as a friend that she could always count on. It was a bummer, but eh, I figured at least I tried.

 

Probably 1-2 weeks later, she told me that she does actually see the potential for something more between us, but she, for some reason, has tried to block her attraction towards me because she doesn't want to lose the friendship we have and because she's scared of her struggles with anxiety ruining everything. And that she was scared that we'd always be comparing ourselves to our exes because our exes are what brought us together.

 

A few days later, her Facebook said she was in a relationship with the guy who messaged her. This was 2-3 weeks after her breakup. Jeez, that was fast!

 

I don't remember how it came up again, but we had another converstaion about having feelings for each other. We wound up talking about it in person. She said she's in a relationship now so not much could be done because she wanted to see where it could go. We agreed to leave it at "we'll see what's in the cards for us."

 

We were still talking really frequently and ugh, my feelings weren't going away. Apparently, they weren't for her either. Our friends could tell that we were into each other and her best friend started telling her to ditch her boyfriend and date me (I had nothing to do with that! lol) Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, we went stargazing with her best friend and my best friend. She was cold so I just quickly rubbed her arms as I stood behind her (in a joking kind of manner while saying "GET WARM!!!") But then she leaned into me. I put my arms around her from behind and we stayed like that for probably about 15 minutes before we all decided it was too damn cold lol.

 

The next day we went out for lunch. We had a great time. As she was about to leave, we wound up kissing. Just a little kiss on the lips, but it was enough for her to say she had some "serious self-reflecting" to do, but that she was happy it happened and that it was crazy that it did because she was thinking about how she wanted to kiss me the night before.

 

Fast forward to now... a couple of weeks later. We kissed one more time but it didn't go well and it actually just stressed her out a bunch. I felt horrible and I apologized for it. I told her it wouldn't happen again. She said she just needed to figure things out.

 

The following day she texted me to tell me that she felt as if we had to be something more. That she really wanted something more, but didn't. There was a lot more to the story. I'm going to leave that part out, but I understood why she was feeling so confused. I suggested that she take some time away from dating anybody and focusing on herself, while making sure to let her know that I wasn't saying it to get her to break up with her boyfriend so I could get a shot with her haha. She said that I was right in that she needed to start focusing on herself but that she felt she could do it without breaking up with him. I told her I'd support her with anything she needs to get past what she's going through.

 

Later that night, and for the rest of last week, we had started texting alllll the time. The texts from her got really suggestive and had a strong sexual tone to them. As much as i was like "this is awesome," I didn't really play along much with those texts.

 

Then a few nights ago, she asked how I'd respond to a silly little joke. I said "that's incredibly random... why?" Then she sent me a screenshot of a conversation between her boyfriend and her in which the joke went completely over his head. In it, it showed him saying "love you, angel" and her calling him cutie and stuff. Naturally, I got pretty jealous. I didn't even say anything but almost immediately, she apologized and said she shouldn't have sent me that.

 

With the whole week of suggestive stuff in the texts she had been sending me, I was starting to think she was going to break up with him. Seeing that screenshot made me say to myself, wow, is this how she talks to guys when she's not even hinting that she's not fully into the relationship? Would I ever be able to trust her?

 

Then a couple of nights ago we met up at the bar. I asked her what was up with all the texts throughout the week and said they were confusing me. She said she was just joking around and loves that we're able to talk like that without things getting weird. I wasn't buying it, but I let it go and just said something along the lines of "...but you're in a relationship." She said she wouldn't do it anymore and apologized.

 

Then last night, my stress of studying got the best of me and in our little text convo, I mentioned that I've been thinking about our situation a lot. It led to a long drawn out text in which I explained that last week we agreed that she needs time to herself, but then she got so suggestive with her texts that I just felt there had be something else going on and that I just want to know once and for all if she's just one of my friends or if she's going to be something more.

 

She responded by saying she's sorry for confusing me with all of those texts and saying she needs to figure out where she's at with her boyfriend, with me, and herself. She said things with her boyfriend are okay and he makes her happy but that she doesn't feel like they connect as a couple but doesn't know if it's because they're relatively new, or because they both suffer from anxiety, or if they're just not meant to be. She followed that up with "it sucks because we click so well (meaning me and her) and I really like you but for some reason my gut feeling was to not go on that first date with you? But again, it could've been because of fear... fear of being so close to someone or of ruining a friendship.I really don't know. You are definitely one of my best friends but I don't know if or what else I want from it. We totally get along on a different level but I just don't know what these feelings mean."

 

I got dinner with our best friends tonight and her friend said that the girl I've been talking to is actually taking a break from her relationship to focus on herself.

[ravfour4]

I read your gigantic story and here's my opinion: she's a vine swinger, she's super uncomfortable outside of a relationship and you are unfortunately one of her many back-ups.

 

When she broke up with her first ex, she went to you for emotional support and soon after started dating the random FB guy. Then, when things went awry, she went back to you for emotional support, since she was vulnerable and didn't have other options, she got flirty and started envisioning a relationship with you. Then, she found someone else and was off again. When things went awry, she's back to you for support.

 

Her flirting with you and bitchinf about her bf while sending loving texts to that bf is a huge red flag.

 

Run away, she's being selfish and using you, you don't deserve that given how nice and supportive you've been to her. If you did date her, when things went bad you KNOW she'd be texting these other guys for emotional support, you could never trust her.

[Empyrea]

I understand you want to keep her around, so I would definitely continue the just-friends scenario. Don't flirt back, don't respond to her innuendo, just ignore it. Start seeing other people. She needs to realize that you won't always be around as a back up, just waiting for her to come around. The timing is definitely not right for you two at the moment, but you never know. Stick to just being friends, because she's clearly not ready and if you attempted a relationship now, you'd lose her for good.

[Redhead14]

Hey guys,

 

I've got another long story for you guys. I'll try to keep it shorter than the last time I posted a long story in the second chances forum haha. Some of these events may be slightly out of order, but ah, I tried.

 

THANK YOU ALL IN ADVANCE FOR READING AND RESPONDING!!! Seriously, you guys are all great. And I hope I can help you out in your situations too!

 

Synopsis: She's taken by some dude that came out of nowhere. We both like each other and things got to the point where we had to tell each other even though she's in a relationship. She realized she needs time to focus on some very serious things that are bugging her in life right now and wants time away and sort of dating type stuff to figure those things out.

 

My question is: What do I do now?! Do I keep her close as a friend and hope she sees how great we can be once she's ready? Do I pay attention for making another move when it seems right? Do I distance myself? Do i just forget it all and accept we'll just be friends? Do I cut her out of my life? (not gonna do that last one lol)

 

In November of 2014, when my ex and I broke up, a few weeks had gone by when I started talking to a girl on Instagram who had randomly started following me probably about a year beforehand because she posted a quote from a song that I found relatable to my situation. We started talking and it turned out that she was going through a breakup too.

 

A couple of weeks later, we wound up meeting in person. We started talking every day via text about our situations. We started texting each other good morning and good night. I was developing feelings for her (she was developing feelings for me too, as I recently was told). Her ex wound up working his way back into the picture and around mid-January, they got back together. I kind of shrugged it off and didn't let it affect me and wound up acknowledging that I wasn't really over my ex and this girl seemed to good to risk turning into a rebound.

 

We didn't speak much after she got back with her ex. Just the occasional Facebook posts to say happy birthday and little things, but that's it. Let's fast forward to early September...

 

We started talking again. She was looking for support on the idea of breaking up with her boyfriend because he was back to his old ways. I assured her that if he was still acting the same way, it was time to cut him off. Our conversation, even though it was just a little text convo, reminded me of how easy it was to talk to this girl and how awesome our senses of humor work together. Anyway, we made plans to meet up a couple of nights later.

 

We met up at a bar/restaurant kind of place, along with her best friend (who actually started dating my best friend just a few weeks later haha. They're now going 2 months strong! ). She told us that she broke up with her boyfriend the night before. In my mind, I was thinking about hanging out with her more and getting to actually know her better while she gets over her ex and asking her out in at least couple of months or so. That's exactly when the curve ball came in though! Some dude on Facebook that she went to high school with messaged her saying that he has had a crush on her since middle school and wanted to ask her for her number to take her out. I couldn't believe it when she actually gave him her number and they started talking about meeting up. All of this happened when I was sitting there at the table with her.

 

A week later, she told me that she was seeing him. I didn't know if that meant just going out to dinner with him or if they were already exclusive. A few days later, even though I really wanted to wait and give her time to get over her ex, I wound up asking her out to dinner. She declined and explained that she saw me as a friend that she could always count on. It was a bummer, but eh, I figured at least I tried.

 

Probably 1-2 weeks later, she told me that she does actually see the potential for something more between us, but she, for some reason, has tried to block her attraction towards me because she doesn't want to lose the friendship we have and because she's scared of her struggles with anxiety ruining everything. And that she was scared that we'd always be comparing ourselves to our exes because our exes are what brought us together.

 

A few days later, her Facebook said she was in a relationship with the guy who messaged her. This was 2-3 weeks after her breakup. Jeez, that was fast!

 

I don't remember how it came up again, but we had another converstaion about having feelings for each other. We wound up talking about it in person. She said she's in a relationship now so not much could be done because she wanted to see where it could go. We agreed to leave it at "we'll see what's in the cards for us."

 

We were still talking really frequently and ugh, my feelings weren't going away. Apparently, they weren't for her either. Our friends could tell that we were into each other and her best friend started telling her to ditch her boyfriend and date me (I had nothing to do with that! lol) Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, we went stargazing with her best friend and my best friend. She was cold so I just quickly rubbed her arms as I stood behind her (in a joking kind of manner while saying "GET WARM!!!") But then she leaned into me. I put my arms around her from behind and we stayed like that for probably about 15 minutes before we all decided it was too damn cold lol.

 

The next day we went out for lunch. We had a great time. As she was about to leave, we wound up kissing. Just a little kiss on the lips, but it was enough for her to say she had some "serious self-reflecting" to do, but that she was happy it happened and that it was crazy that it did because she was thinking about how she wanted to kiss me the night before.

 

Fast forward to now... a couple of weeks later. We kissed one more time but it didn't go well and it actually just stressed her out a bunch. I felt horrible and I apologized for it. I told her it wouldn't happen again. She said she just needed to figure things out.

 

The following day she texted me to tell me that she felt as if we had to be something more. That she really wanted something more, but didn't. There was a lot more to the story. I'm going to leave that part out, but I understood why she was feeling so confused. I suggested that she take some time away from dating anybody and focusing on herself, while making sure to let her know that I wasn't saying it to get her to break up with her boyfriend so I could get a shot with her haha. She said that I was right in that she needed to start focusing on herself but that she felt she could do it without breaking up with him. I told her I'd support her with anything she needs to get past what she's going through.

 

Later that night, and for the rest of last week, we had started texting alllll the time. The texts from her got really suggestive and had a strong sexual tone to them. As much as i was like "this is awesome," I didn't really play along much with those texts.

 

Then a few nights ago, she asked how I'd respond to a silly little joke. I said "that's incredibly random... why?" Then she sent me a screenshot of a conversation between her boyfriend and her in which the joke went completely over his head. In it, it showed him saying "love you, angel" and her calling him cutie and stuff. Naturally, I got pretty jealous. I didn't even say anything but almost immediately, she apologized and said she shouldn't have sent me that.

 

With the whole week of suggestive stuff in the texts she had been sending me, I was starting to think she was going to break up with him. Seeing that screenshot made me say to myself, wow, is this how she talks to guys when she's not even hinting that she's not fully into the relationship? Would I ever be able to trust her?

 

Then a couple of nights ago we met up at the bar. I asked her what was up with all the texts throughout the week and said they were confusing me. She said she was just joking around and loves that we're able to talk like that without things getting weird. I wasn't buying it, but I let it go and just said something along the lines of "...but you're in a relationship." She said she wouldn't do it anymore and apologized.

 

Then last night, my stress of studying got the best of me and in our little text convo, I mentioned that I've been thinking about our situation a lot. It led to a long drawn out text in which I explained that last week we agreed that she needs time to herself, but then she got so suggestive with her texts that I just felt there had be something else going on and that I just want to know once and for all if she's just one of my friends or if she's going to be something more.

 

She responded by saying she's sorry for confusing me with all of those texts and saying she needs to figure out where she's at with her boyfriend, with me, and herself. She said things with her boyfriend are okay and he makes her happy but that she doesn't feel like they connect as a couple but doesn't know if it's because they're relatively new, or because they both suffer from anxiety, or if they're just not meant to be. She followed that up with "it sucks because we click so well (meaning me and her) and I really like you but for some reason my gut feeling was to not go on that first date with you? But again, it could've been because of fear... fear of being so close to someone or of ruining a friendship.I really don't know. You are definitely one of my best friends but I don't know if or what else I want from it. We totally get along on a different level but I just don't know what these feelings mean."

 

I got dinner with our best friends tonight and her friend said that the girl I've been talking to is actually taking a break from her relationship to focus on herself.

 

Anybody who caused me to come to a dating advice site and write this much and so fraught with drama and mental gymnastics, would be written off before I got through the first sentence. They wouldn't be worth the time I spent to write all this

[shyguy3543]

I read your gigantic story and here's my opinion: she's a vine swinger, she's super uncomfortable outside of a relationship and you are unfortunately one of her many back-ups.

 

When she broke up with her first ex, she went to you for emotional support and soon after started dating the random FB guy. Then, when things went awry, she went back to you for emotional support, since she was vulnerable and didn't have other options, she got flirty and started envisioning a relationship with you. Then, she found someone else and was off again. When things went awry, she's back to you for support.

 

Her flirting with you and bitchinf about her bf while sending loving texts to that bf is a huge red flag.

 

Run away, she's being selfish and using you, you don't deserve that given how nice and supportive you've been to her. If you did date her, when things went bad you KNOW she'd be texting these other guys for emotional support, you could never trust her.

 

I think you're definitely right on her being really uncomfortable outside of a relationship. But here's the thing... She was in a 7 year relationship that went sour due to a four letter word starting with the letter R, which is what led to her struggles with anxiety and depression. She was never able to tell him about it. I'm one of only 5 people that she's been able to open up to about that. But she went from that 7 year relationship straight into the 2 year relationship. Then she went from that right into her current relationship. She basically hasn't been single for nearly 10 years... that's almost half of her life. Her first ex, from what I understand, was a good guy overall. The second one was the worst possible guy at the worst possible time, and he made the situation so much worse. This current one sounds like an okay guy, but she's said that the fact that they both struggle with their anxiety, they often just bring each other down.

 

When that's all factored in, I feel like it shows how close we are. She's told me her worst life story (thank god for anonymity on here hahaha. I'd never mention it otherwise). And while part of me does say, yeah, you're right about her just using me as a backup, the other part says that maybe we are meant to try for something more and she wants something more but realizes that she needs to take care of herself first and finally get the help she needs to move past that event first. of course the possibility of us dating should be the least important thing on her mind at this point, but I think it played a huge part in her deciding that it's time for her to help herself rather than just sticking with this guy that happened to come around. I actually feel really bad about kissing her... I shouldn't have because I probably made her feel really guilty, but on the other hand, like I said, it may have played a big part in finally getting her to help herself, and I'm happy about that.

 

I'm tempted to ask if she'd be able to explain how she doesn't know what her feelings for me mean, but that's probably not the best idea lol.

 

But you're also right in that it doesn't change the fact that it'd suck constantly wondering if she'd be texting other guys if things went awry between us if we ever were to get into a relationship. Damn.

 

I understand you want to keep her around, so I would definitely continue the just-friends scenario. Don't flirt back, don't respond to her innuendo, just ignore it. Start seeing other people. She needs to realize that you won't always be around as a back up, just waiting for her to come around. The timing is definitely not right for you two at the moment, but you never know. Stick to just being friends, because she's clearly not ready and if you attempted a relationship now, you'd lose her for good.

 

I'm gonna stick with this route, I think. If someone comes around, I'll go with the flow. I guess if we start feeling things between us again, I'll know.

 

Anybody who caused me to come to a dating advice site and write this much and so fraught with drama and mental gymnastics, would be written off before I got through the first sentence. They wouldn't be worth the time I spent to write all this

 

haha I get that. It just sucks though! I don't fall *this* deeply for girls very often. Usually if I get turned down, it's like eh, another one will come around in time. But I feel like we have a great connection with so much potential, and that maybe once she's taken care of herself, it's really worth another shot. We connect so well and I think we just get each other in a way I haven't experienced with any girl other than the two serious relationships I've been in.

[Redhead14]

Anytime someone tells me they want/need space either directly or indirectly, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. Then they usually have a different problem . . . I've lost interest.

[shyguy3543]

Anytime someone tells me they want/need space either directly or indirectly, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. Then they usually have a different problem . . . I've lost interest.

 

That's probably what I should do, but I just screwed up and asked her if she still wanted to hang out and watch netflix tomorrow as we had planned after she mentioned the show we were gonna watch.

 

Again, just on a friendly level lol. If we do still hang out, it's gonna be our first time hanging out since that bigger convo. We'll see what happens lol. I think she'll end up canceling.

[dispatch3d]

In general I would just back off the heavy drama with this girl. She has a boyfriend and you definitely made a mistake with the way you brought up the sexual innuendo talk.

 

I personally would not be into this situation as much as you are but anyhow... I hate getting jerked around in general......

[bridgesnotwalls]

Hi Shyguy –

 

 

 

I am new to this forum and missed any previous entries you may have posted, but this recent one caught my eye as I am very familiar with confusing relationships and signals!! I absolutely agree with you in that your friend with whom you might want to investigate a more in-depth relationship, could use some time for herself to sort out what she wants in her life and in a relationship. It seems like she is kind of bouncing around from guy to guy, keeping a couple of you going at the same time. While that can be hurtful and misleading, I suspect she is hurting and looking for some way to make herself feel better.

 

 

 

My heart goes out to her, you and her current boyfriend, who may be unaware of her contact with you. From what you wrote, it seems like you are not interested in playing games and respect the fact that she is in another relationship. That shows respect for yourself and her. In my own relationships, I’ve learned the hard way what is and isn’t healthy. – sending suggestive or misleading text/signals to one person while dating another is clearly not good for anyone, as you talk about in your post. For you – I guess you have to ask yourself if you really want to be in dating/committed relationship with someone who is unsure of what they want and who would string two guys along at the same time, whether it be because she is confused or any other reason. In my own life, even when it was painful, I’ve had to decide what I wanted in my life. I am all about forgiveness and healing and new starts, but that does not mean we keep doing the same thing over and over with unhealthy mindsets in ourselves or others.

 

 

 

I hope you can find a way to accept where your friend is in her life; and, if you can offer her support while she figures things out without it hurting or confusing you, that’s great. If it adds confusion and chaos to your life, maybe you want to think about investing your time and energy into healthier things and relationships in your life. It may be that once everyone grows a bit, you can touch base later and see if things look better – but for now – it seems like a revolving door of discontent and frustration. I am sure you must care for her, and that is admirable – but don’t let care for yourself be overrun with a desire for a relationship that, based on what you are saying, is not happening at the moment.

[xcupid]

You're chasing the wrong girl here. She's not available emotionally. Move on before you get really hurt.

[shyguy3543]

Well, it's been an interesting 72 hours haha. And it's crazy that I looked back in here and see that there are new responses pretty much exactly when those 72 hours began!

 

There have been some more developments. I've been trying to just keep things friendly and aside from one mistake, I think I've been doing a good job.

 

SUNDAY: we met up with our best friends (the couple) at my friend's house. It was almost a 1.5 hour drive and we had a good time. We got there, decided to head out to Montauk to watch the lighthouse be lit for Christmas, and while there, the two of us wound up away from everyone else on this little deck kind of thing that was right by the beach. We were just joking around as friends and whatnot. Our friends caught up with us and the 3 of them just started talking while I just kind of stood there and relaxed with my eyes closed just listening to the waves rolling in. I got a text and it was her asking if I was okay. I replied that I was good and just relaxing.

 

Our friends walked away and left us alone again. She asked if I was sure I was okay. I said I was and that I just love the sound of the waves. She leaned against the railing that I was leaning against and just stood there and started listening too. After a minute or so, she leaned her head against my shoulder. This was probably a bad mistake, but I put my arm around her and was just kinda rubbing her back. Then I got behind her and put both arms around her. Eek...After a while I asked what she was thinking. She replied "nothing, you?" and I said "same" even though we both were thinking the same thing without a doubt.

 

The drive home was nice too. Lots of laughing. The whole day was really great haha.

 

MONDAY: Just typical text conversation, but at night she said she's got a lot of her mind... "finding a better job, going back to school, us..." It led to her saying "you aren't making me feel bad. It's just, God, I don't know. We keep having these moments and I really just want it to be us and then I keep talking myself out of it and I don't get it. But yeah, [boyfriend's name here] and I are on a break. For me. I just need to be alone, you know?" I told her that it's great that she's taking steps to focus on herself and that she shouldn't let anything or anyone, myself included, distract her from that.

 

The four of us (her and I, our best friends) have been talking about a road trip to Canada over spring break. They started talking about booking rooms in our group text. I got a text from the girl asking if I'd be okay with splitting a room with her. I said sure, so we're gonna be splitting hotel rooms in Toronto, Montreal, and Chicago over the course of a week in March.

 

TUESDAY: I woke up and had a text from her asking if I'd be free to go to her place at night to give her a haircut (don't ask lol. My 1st ex (7.5 year relationship) was a hairdresser so I know some basics and was actually pretty damn good at cutting my 2nd ex's hair!) . So I went over, we hung out for a bit, her best friend swung by, and we all just hung out for a long time. We had a great time. Her sense of humor and mine work SO well together haha. It's crazy! It led to tons of fun. Anyway, 11:30 rolled around and her friend was saying she had to get going.

 

Her friend left, and we hung out for like 10 more minutes or so. I asked if she still wanted me to cut her hair. She said "no, I just want to sleep" and almost immediately apologized for her tone, which I didn't even think was a rude tone or anything at all. So, not thinking anything of it, I got ready to head out and everything seemed pretty normal to me. We hugged quickly before I left and that was it, just as usual.

 

On my way home I got a long text. I didn't read it until I pulled into my driveway and was surprised by what it read:

"I totally didn't mean to say 'I just want to sleep' the way I did. I didn't even say it because of you. I'm so sorry. I feel like such a b****. [boyfriend's name here] kept saying he wants to talk but I'm exhausted. Hence why I said it. But I don't even have the heart to say his name to you. To be honest, I kind of rushed you out before I gave myself the chance to kiss you... this is such a mess and I just want to cry and wish none of this got this crazy. And I don't know what to do. I've never been like this before.

 

Maybe we shouldn't talk until next Friday? I need space. i'm so sorry"

 

I replied that I didn't get a bad vibe from her saying she wanted to sleep and told her that I'm okay with not talking until Friday (when the 4 of us go to a concert) and that I completely understand. I said I'm sorry and good night.

 

That was it. I'm happy that she asked for space if that's what she needs. I feel kind of bad... I didn't really do anything, or at least I didn't initiate it this time. But she's apparently struggling with this quite a bit now. Not at all what I wanted to cause! Ugh!!!

 

You're chasing the wrong girl here. She's not available emotionally. Move on before you get really hurt.

 

I'm trying, kind of haha. I'm getting there and accepting that if we've got something good heading our way, it's not meant to be any time soon.

 

 

Hi Shyguy –

 

 

 

I am new to this forum and missed any previous entries you may have posted, but this recent one caught my eye as I am very familiar with confusing relationships and signals!! I absolutely agree with you in that your friend with whom you might want to investigate a more in-depth relationship, could use some time for herself to sort out what she wants in her life and in a relationship. It seems like she is kind of bouncing around from guy to guy, keeping a couple of you going at the same time. While that can be hurtful and misleading, I suspect she is hurting and looking for some way to make herself feel better.

 

 

 

My heart goes out to her, you and her current boyfriend, who may be unaware of her contact with you. From what you wrote, it seems like you are not interested in playing games and respect the fact that she is in another relationship. That shows respect for yourself and her. In my own relationships, I’ve learned the hard way what is and isn’t healthy. – sending suggestive or misleading text/signals to one person while dating another is clearly not good for anyone, as you talk about in your post. For you – I guess you have to ask yourself if you really want to be in dating/committed relationship with someone who is unsure of what they want and who would string two guys along at the same time, whether it be because she is confused or any other reason. In my own life, even when it was painful, I’ve had to decide what I wanted in my life. I am all about forgiveness and healing and new starts, but that does not mean we keep doing the same thing over and over with unhealthy mindsets in ourselves or others.

 

 

 

I hope you can find a way to accept where your friend is in her life; and, if you can offer her support while she figures things out without it hurting or confusing you, that’s great. If it adds confusion and chaos to your life, maybe you want to think about investing your time and energy into healthier things and relationships in your life. It may be that once everyone grows a bit, you can touch base later and see if things look better – but for now – it seems like a revolving door of discontent and frustration. I am sure you must care for her, and that is admirable – but don’t let care for yourself be overrun with a desire for a relationship that, based on what you are saying, is not happening at the moment.

 

I really appreciate your reply. Thank you for that. I am trying to hold myself back and respect their relationship, break or not, and the fact that she needs to figure herself out but now it's kind of like she's the one who's been starting to do these little things.

 

I think this time apart will be a good thing. It'll help us both. And I have final exams to start worrying about instead, so the timing is kind of good!!

Edited December 2, 2015 by shyguy3543

[GreenEyed BlackCat]

Cut her out your life. You deserve better.

[insert_name]

She keeps apologising, crossing boundaries, apologising etc. The apologies seem to come from her so she is very aware she is being unfair to you and yet not aware enough that she can stop herself. Hmm....There comes a point where the apologies cease to have any meaning and it becomes a game. What is worse is you keep trying to put a positive spin on the bad stuff which is robbing you of any objectivity. All I can say is she must be a real keeper in the flesh because from reading all this she comes across as very bad news indeed.

 

Its a classic case of a girl being able to play the field whilst sugar coating her behaviour to make it sound more palatable to you by telling you that shes just so confused- like shes helpless in all this. Yeah right. She knows she has got both of you at her beck and call whenever she wants you and is dining out on it. I would put money on it that if you back off and cut off contact, maybe start seeing other girls her 'confusion' will disappear and she will be chasing you so she gets her emotional needs serviced again. Problem is that even if that happens you may get together but as soon as she knows shes got you back in the fold you won't get much more mileage out of her before she is up to her old tricks. Take the short term pain/long term gain approach and cut her out of your life completely.

[Gaeta]

Did you notice how it's never a good time to explore things with you but always a good time to come in and out of relationships with other men?

 

You're her BFF. Her gay friend. You have been deeply friendzoned.

 

Move on or keep on wasting your time.

[Empyrea]

Ugh, what a piece of work. She keeps arranging these "little moments" to make sure she's got you where she wants you - mooning over her, safe backup, yet firmly in the friendzone. The reason she's confused is because she's attracted to the other guy, but you're SO NICE and you get along SO WELL and you're such a GOOD FRIEND to her. She trying to talk herself into liking you, because you'd be good for her, but where's the passion in that? She'll never choose you unless you grow a backbone. No one ever chooses the person that's patiently waiting in the background. What a sad, sad story. I feel you, bro.

[shyguy3543]

Damn, you guys may be right. i don't know haha. At this point, I'm really okay with just being friends. I think I'd prefer it. With it having soaked in my head that all of this has happened while she's actually in a relationship, I just don't think I see her the same way. Not right now at least. I'd be constantly paranoid about who she's talking to.

 

She texted me today even though she said we shouldn't talk until next Friday.

Her: Hey

Me: Hey, what's up?

Her: Next Friday is kind of far lol

Me: I know, but you need time. You seemed pretty upset and I don't wanna make things worse.

 

That was about it haha. But yeah, I'm getting past the point of wanting anything more any time even close to soon, if ever at all.

 

Thanks guys

[shyguy3543]

haha maybe I should be listening to you guys, but yeah, she wound up coming over yesterday.

 

She got me dinner at buffalo wild wings and we came back to my place at around 9:30 or so and just watched Netflix with some hot cocoa. She cuddled up to me so we wound up just cuddling and relaxing for hours lol. 12:30 rolled around and I noticed that she fell asleep. So I got some shorts and a shirt for her and told her to stay the night.

 

I asked what it was that she wanted to talk about a couple of times in between netflix shows. She didn't seem to wanna talk about it. Once we were going to sleep, I mentioned that she still hadn't told me. She said it's nothing and a few seconds later she leaned in for a kiss and we made out for a bit.

 

Then we just went back to cuddling. I woke up a bunch of times and it seemed as if she was waking up a bunch too because every time I'd move or turn around, she either cuddle back into me or put her arm around me.

 

Do I realize that I sound like I've got no backbone? Yea, I know. But I'm an absolute sucker for cuddling. hahaha

 

She texted me today saying sorry if what she did was confusing (again with the apologies lol). She said that the break with her bf turned into a breakup with her bf a couple of days ago and that she feels a real connection with me and wants to see if we could turn into something more, but needs time to be on her own first. She apologized for being selfish.

 

I didn't say whether or not I want to pursue anything in my response, but I told her I'm actually really happy she's going to take time to figure things out for herself and that it isn't selfish. She really NEEDS to with all the stuff she's got going on. If she were to say "I broke up with my boyfriend, let's give things a shot" I would've been like no thanks! But the fact that she wants to figure herself out before trying to get serious about anything with me and she communicated that instead of just letting me wonder or something... I think that's a pretty good thing. Am I gonna wait around and miss out if someone else comes around? No! But if I've got nothing going on with anybody when she feels ready to talk to me about giving things a shot, I'm feeling very open to it right now.

[shyguy3543]

*sigh* And even though I'm single, it's bothering me.

 

I've been having this whole big thing going on with a girl I've been friends with for about a year. You can see the thread here if yo want all the details:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/558850-she-needs-time-ahh-man-when-should-i-give-another-shot

 

But long story short, we like each other, she finally just broke up with her boyfriend last week and she has told me that she needs time to focus on herself and find some happiness by herself before we can start anything serious, which is great, because she needs it. I take it as a good thing. So yeah, for now, I'm single, but she did say "I need time, but I'm not going anywhere." Before she had broken up, she did say she didn't expect me to wait for her whether or not she broke up, but yea.

 

So then there's this other girl...

 

I've been hanging out with a girl from my school that I hooked up with over the summer. Just a few weeks ago she asked if things had played out differently with her ex and a big mess we had, if I would be interested in dating her. I pretty much told her no and that with the way she cut me out of her life for a month (because he supposedly blocked me on all her social media and her phone and would freak out if anything to do with me came up), I had to actively work on just forgetting about her. I told her we could be friends, but that's it.

 

Then she asked me to meet her in the library to study last night. So I did. Then we went to grab some coffee at a local coffee shop and just talked and had a good time. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. Then I drove us back to school to drop her off at her car. I got out to check out the new dent she had mentioned she had on her car. Then she hugged me and wasn't letting go. I asked if she was okay and she said "don't look down at me right now or I'm going to kiss you." I was like "what?!" and I looked down. Then she looked up and kissed me. Jeez. We got in her car to talk and she started with all this stuff like "you really left an impression on me" and "I still have such strong feelings that I haven't been able to shake since the summer" I don't really believe that, but yea lol

 

She asked if we can hang out more. I said yea. Then she asked if we could cuddle again. I said sure. Then she asked if we could have sex again. I paused.. that's when it kinda hit me that even though I'm single, I've got a little something going on with this other girl. I said no.

 

I'm not feeling good about the whole situation. Yeah, I'm single, but it feels wrong after just having kissed the other girl not even 48 hours earlier and having made plans for her to sleep over again on Friday.

 

I wanna talk to the girl from school and be like "look, no, let's just be friends" but it sucks to be in this position. And I don't really know what to say if she asks why.

 

Oh, and this girl still hasn't broken up with her bf, I should mention. She's planning to in the next few days. How do I constantly attract these kind of girls that come around right when they're going through a breakup or just about to? Ugh!!

 

It's just weird. I feel like I hear about people dating multiple people at the same time and it's not a big deal... but I don't know. I just don't wanna hurt anyone. Am I the only one in my 20s who thinks this way? lol

[xUnknown]

I'm sort of confused... I want to get this straight before I make any suggestions...

 

 

You've been friends with girl A for a year. She just broke up with her BF, but needs time to herself. She doesn't expect you to stick around (but lets be honest, she wants you to).

 

You hooked up in summer time with girl B. She has a bf now. You cut her out of your life for a month, and she invited you to the library. Then you hugged/kissed by the car. She asked you if you could see/cuddle/sex with each other again. You said no.

 

Yeah, I'm single, but it feels wrong after just having kissed the other girl not even 48 hours earlier and having made plans for her to sleep over again on Friday.

This is the girl you're talking about in the first section - A? The one that just broke up with her bf and have been friends with for a year? I must have missed where you said you kissed her earlier, unless it was in your old thread you linked.

 

Oh, and this girl still hasn't broken up with her bf

Girl B is the one with the BF? Because you mentioned girl A just broke up with hers.

[xcupid]

Whichever way it pans out you're the rebound man. Be careful or you could get hurt.

[shyguy3543]

I'm sort of confused... I want to get this straight before I make any suggestions...

 

 

You've been friends with girl A for a year. She just broke up with her BF, but needs time to herself. She doesn't expect you to stick around (but lets be honest, she wants you to).

 

You hooked up in summer time with girl B. She has a bf now. You cut her out of your life for a month, and she invited you to the library. Then you hugged/kissed by the car. She asked you if you could see/cuddle/sex with each other again. You said no.

 

This is the girl you're talking about in the first section - A? The one that just broke up with her bf and have been friends with for a year? I must have missed where you said you kissed her earlier, unless it was in your old thread you linked.

 

Girl B is the one with the BF? Because you mentioned girl A just broke up with hers.

 

You're right about girl A. I've been friends with her for a year. We started talking when I broke up with my gf and she broke up with bf and connected by helping each other with he breakups, but about a month later, she got back with her ex and we faded out and just had occasional conversation. Then in early September, just before she broke up with her ex, we reconnected. I liked her and was over my ex, so i planned on giving her some time and asking her out. But then some random dude asked her out and they dated from late September until last week. She just told me today that they ended on good terms and is feeling bad about the breakup and is having a hard time getting over it.

 

Girl B and I hooked up in the summer... similarly, it was shortly after she broke up with her boyfriend. We had some fun, and then her boyfriend came back begging for her to take him back, so she did. She told him about me, he flipped out and blocked me out of her life and we didn't talk for about a month. (early september until almost mid-October). When she came back into my life, she asked if we would've/could be dating if things had unraveled differently. She just broke up with her boyfriend today and is talking about how we should cuddle and stuff.

 

So to sum it up, they're both very freshly out of relationships and wanna hang out and cuddle and more haha. One of them (girl A) says she needs time (which I strongly agree she does and I wanna make sure she gets that before we try for anything serious) but is sleeping over and stuff. The other one is asking if we can have sex and stuff, and while I find her extremely physically attractive, I don't think I see myself getting into a relationship with her.

 

I know which one I'd rather try for a relationship with girl A, but it's looking like I'd be waiting for a long time. If girl A and I haven't agreed to be exclusively dating or anything, is it wrong to be kissing another girl? It feels weird... I've never had any sort of physical thing (even if it's just kissing and cuddling) going on with more than 1 girl at a time, so even if neither of them are my girlfriend or we haven't talked about being exclusive, it feels weird to me. Like, kissing 2 different girls in the same week seems... weird!

 

 

Whichever way it pans out you're the rebound man. Be careful or you could get hurt.

 

Yeah, you're right. I'm trying not to let my feelings get too involved on either of these. Not yet at least!

[Empyrea]

I can totally see why you're the perfect rebound guy, these two girls are no coincidence. When girls break up with their boyfriend, it's probably because they crave something new and exciting, but in the process of finding that, they're going through withdrawal from the safe and comforting, i.e. lots of support and cuddling. ... Now, men with a solid backbone would refuse to be that kind of a crutch or safety blanket for a girl they are sexually interested in - those are the guys that the girl will feel attracted to, she will have to work for him, she will have to put in effort to get to know him and to conquer him. In the meantime, there's the rebound guy filling in for some of the habits that the girls still have left from their relationships - in other words, after a break up the girl is looking to hook up with someone new and exciting while cuddling with someone safe and comforting. Safe and comforting is not sexy, though. But hey, as long as you're getting something out of this as well - like cudding!

 

But actually, in respect to the new girl, if you're still really into girl A, then having someone else on the horizon can ONLY benefit you. If she feels like she might lose you, she might actually start to see you in a different light, aside from the comfort blanket. Then again, it wouldn't be nice of you to string girl B along. But in any case, you have no reason to stay exclusively faithful to girl A - she has made no such commitment to you. Go out, have fun, explore. There are better fish in the sea.

[xUnknown]

thanks for the clarification.

 

Just because you're into girl A doesn't mean you can't do stuff with girl B. Just be sure to keep your feelings and emotions in check. Does B expect a relationship with you if you two start "cuddling"?

 

Having been where you were, I would say keep them both at an arms length. You're into girl A. I've been there, then when someone else (in your scenario, girl B) came along for some "fun", it kind of ruined things with girl A.

 

Go look for girl C. Or, do whatever with girl B as long as you both are on the same page.

[shyguy3543]

I can totally see why you're the perfect rebound guy, these two girls are no coincidence. When girls break up with their boyfriend, it's probably because they crave something new and exciting, but in the process of finding that, they're going through withdrawal from the safe and comforting, i.e. lots of support and cuddling. ... Now, men with a solid backbone would refuse to be that kind of a crutch or safety blanket for a girl they are sexually interested in - those are the guys that the girl will feel attracted to, she will have to work for him, she will have to put in effort to get to know him and to conquer him. In the meantime, there's the rebound guy filling in for some of the habits that the girls still have left from their relationships - in other words, after a break up the girl is looking to hook up with someone new and exciting while cuddling with someone safe and comforting. Safe and comforting is not sexy, though. But hey, as long as you're getting something out of this as well - like cudding!

 

But actually, in respect to the new girl, if you're still really into girl A, then having someone else on the horizon can ONLY benefit you. If she feels like she might lose you, she might actually start to see you in a different light, aside from the comfort blanket. Then again, it wouldn't be nice of you to string girl B along. But in any case, you have no reason to stay exclusively faithful to girl A - she has made no such commitment to you. Go out, have fun, explore. There are better fish in the sea.

 

You're right. Bleh. I'm the typical nice guy. Like, I actually *do* care about these girls and their feelings and what they're going through. It does backfire on me, unfortunately.

 

I'm gonna be keeping my options open! I'm still hoping for girl A... there's just something I like about her, but if someone else comes along that just feels right, I'll go with that. I've still got an okcupid profile too, so hey, ya never know!

 

thanks for the clarification.

 

Just because you're into girl A doesn't mean you can't do stuff with girl B. Just be sure to keep your feelings and emotions in check. Does B expect a relationship with you if you two start "cuddling"?

 

Having been where you were, I would say keep them both at an arms length. You're into girl A. I've been there, then when someone else (in your scenario, girl B) came along for some "fun", it kind of ruined things with girl A.

 

Go look for girl C. Or, do whatever with girl B as long as you both are on the same page.

 

I definitely don't want to ruin things with girl A. She slept over again this past weekend and it was pretty nice, but she was drained from the concert we went to so we just went straight to sleep. She may spend another night with me this weekend... we'll see.

 

As far as girl B goes, we went to study again and I dropped her off at home afterwards. We were just talking outside my car and I was looking away while saying some stuff and she poked my nose. So I tried poking hers back (I feel as if we sound like a couple of 17 year olds when I'm describing this hahaha) and she was like "you'd better stop or I'm gonna end up kissing you again." So I kept going and bam, we kissed haha.

 

Afterwards, we had a little text convo. I said I like kissing her but don't know what the kisses mean and that they've got me confused right now. She didn't answer for a bit, so I asked if she was okay.

 

She replied: "hmm so I definitely don’t want to be lead on, so you should’ve stopped me. no I’m not okay... and if I’m going to detach any feelings i don’t know if i can hang out with you

(then in another text a few seconds later) I’m not looking for anything right now or to be in a relationship, idk if that’s what you think I’m thinking..."

 

I asked what she is looking for and she followed up with "I'm want cuddles and kisses. I want a cuddle buddy to watch netflix with. I just got out of a relationship and I'm trying to find myself and build myself" but in the same text, something about how it's going to be hard to not let feelings for me get involved? I don't know.

 

I think we're on the same page now though. Nothing serious is being pursued, we'll keeping feelings in check, and we'll just enjoy each others presence for now pretty much lol. I'm pretty happy about it!