Do you ever feel the need to tell single women in their mid-20's to find a man?

[Quiet Storm]

I would never tell someone that, but I have noticed that some women who wait do seem to have trouble finding quality men, even if they are successful, established and good looking.

 

I have also had a few late 30s single friends tell me they regret not focusing on family earlier. One friend said she always dreamed about being a mom and having a family, and just assumed it would happen after she became "established". She had her goals and her life planned out, and knew the smart thing was to focus on her education, career & finances. She thought there would be plenty of available guys in the same stage of life, and is so disappointed now.

 

I was only 18 when we decided to get married. My mom and many others discouraged me, since I was so young. My grandmother told me not to listen to them. She said on my deathbed I wouldn't be thinking of my degrees or career accomplishments - I'd be thinking of the memories I had with my family & kids. Still, many young marriages don't make it and that should be considered, as well.

 

I think many young women have goals of being married & a mom. It's important to them, and that's OK. Isn't this part of a woman's life just as important as education or career goals? Parents who have their child's best interest at heart often discourage serious relationships and encourage them to pursue education & career goals first. Which as a parent, I totally understand. But sometimes it doesn't work out like you planned.

 

Every parent wants their child to believe they can reach their goals & have everything they want in life. We want to encourage them & instill confidence- you can do anything you set your mind to! And there is nothing wrong with that. I just think if you KNOW your daughter or niece or young friend wants a family, and you know it is very important to them... why minimize those dreams? Why should something so important and rewarding be pushed aside? Being a mom and a wife is the most important thing in my life, and in the lives of many women I know. Why send the message to young women that motherhood is not important, or it can wait, or it's guaranteed?

 

I think in your 20s, it can be difficult to have perspective. You think you have so many years to make your dreams happen.

[RedRobin]

I agree with a lot of the above... however, this is a message that needs to be expressed to both men and women.

 

 

I am fed up to *HERE* of this idea that men have all the time in the world to find themselves, and women are obliged to latch onto the first man they find OR ELSE.

 

 

Its repulsive and wrong.

 

 

My observation is that the 'best' people of either gender tend to find someone to settle down with in their 20's. BOTH genders. After that, it's anyone's guess. The best chance for marital success (for those that want it) is with one's first marriage. Second and subsequent marriages don't tend to last as long for all kinds of reasons.

 

 

Last but not least... My Grandma said the same thing. I told her, "No, I won't". And you know what? I got my tubes tied as soon as I could find a doctor who would do it. From a fairly young age, I considered motherhood as a form of indentured servitude in this country. I enjoy kids, but I won't do it in the U.S. And lots of kids need good homes. LOTS.

 

 

We are finally beginning to understand that men's sperm ain't so great after a certain age either... Noone has forever to start a family. Look at all the guys here diddling their time away thinking they can just scoop up some 20 something young lady when they get 'round to it when they are in their 30's and 40's and beyond... Noone is telling them how big the divorce rate is for those relationships... It's all stars and butterflies for the guys... But the women? Oh no!! They've got, like a gnat's life window of making a major life decision. Whatever...

 

 

I get the idea that the OP is not like me though... so here's my advice...

 

 

Find a commitment minded man who is close to your own age who values family like you do. Do not waste even one second with a man who doesn't. Do not feel ashamed for wanting a family or feeling like you have to hide it (just like I don't feel ashamed for not wanting a traditional family).

 

 

You can still focus on your career and education, but make time to meet people. Join groups where responsible, commitment minded men tend to congregate.

 

 

I personally don't see any reason why you can't have both. All of my high achieving friends have kids... lots of them stayed home with them until they went to school. The trick is finding a man who is a true partner and wants to be a full-time dad. Not just a paycheck. I think you will have a lot easier finding those kinds of men these days than when I was in my 20's.

 

 

And no... I have no regrets. I would have had kids with that sorry excuse for an ex-H and been stuck in FL most likely... No thanks.

Edited December 10, 2015 by RedRobin

[edgygirl]

Why?

 

I love my mom, had a great life, and as I said, she had me in her 40s.

 

I think I can say she's my best friend, we have a great relationship.

 

Again I ask: why is it not a good idea? Might not be a good idea for you, but then say so.

 

I've told both men and women not to waste their youth on stupid shyte... I think we have too many people on the planet as it is....

 

I think we need to be telling more men that they have a bio clock too. It's not a good idea for either gender to be parenting past 40 ish.

[RedRobin]

^^ adoption, yes. People can be good parents at any age... Especially to children who would otherwise have no home.

 

Save the bio parenting for those whose risks of birth defects are minimal. Men and women. For the sake of the future child. I think it is the height of selfishness to have a bio kid after 40, especially if you are planning to do it single. Just my opinion.

[edgygirl]

I think it's the height of selfishness to judge people who choose to do whatever they prefer to do. Be it having kids in their 40s or populating the world more. People should do what they want to do not what someone thinks they should be doing.

 

^^ adoption, yes. People can be good parents at any age... Especially to children who would otherwise have no home.

 

Save the bio parenting for those whose risks of birth defects are minimal. Men and women. For the sake of the future child. I think it is the height of selfishness to have a bio kid after 40, especially if you are planning to do it single. Just my opinion.

[The Way I Am]

No. Never. But if a person in their mid 20's asked me for my opinion, my advice to them would be to stop focusing so much on relationships, and do not get married yet. Most people in their 20's don't know themselves well enough to really know what type of person will make them happy for the next 70 or so years. I'd tell them to experience the world, get to know people different from themselves, and learn what makes them happy by themselves.

 

The happiest people I know are the ones who got married or remarried over 35. The second happiest people I know are the ones who never married or are divorced.

 

The most miserable people I know got married around 30 because they felt it was expected of them and now are staying in relationships with people they don't like out of a sense of obligation.

 

Sorry you're having such a hard time finding the right guy OP. My advice to you would be similar to those 20 somethings. Don't spend so much time trying to find a relationship. Find what makes you happy. If you find the right person along the way, great. If not, you'll have enjoyed your life instead of spending it on the soul crushing experience of trying out people for marriage over dinner -- I mean dating.

[sambolini]

I'm a 36 year old guy. If someone told me I needed to find a woman, I'd laugh in their face.

 

Don't see how telling a woman in her 20s she needs to find a man should be any different. She has every right to laugh in their face at such a ludicrous statement.

 

Coupling is optional, not mandatory.

[RedRobin]

I think it's the height of selfishness to judge people who choose to do whatever they prefer to do. Be it having kids in their 40s or populating the world more. People should do what they want to do not what someone thinks they should be doing.

 

That's fine for them to do that. But those people will never convince me they care about children or the world they are bringing them into. That's all. Not like it matters. People will continue to breed like rabbits anyway. We are no different than any other animal that way.

 

As for what the OP wants... Where did she go???

[loveflower]

The happiest people I know are the ones who got married or remarried over 35. The second happiest people I know are the ones who never married or are divorced.

 

The most miserable people I know got married around 30 because they felt it was expected of them and now are staying in relationships with people they don't like out of a sense of obligation.

 

Sorry you're having such a hard time finding the right guy OP. My advice to you would be similar to those 20 somethings. Don't spend so much time trying to find a relationship. Find what makes you happy. If you find the right person along the way, great. If not, you'll have enjoyed your life instead of spending it on the soul crushing experience of trying out people for marriage over dinner -- I mean dating.

 

Master piece of answer for this kind of of topic.

[No Limit]

A 19 year old girl here;

 

When I was 17 my social circle started to focus on dating; I didn't because I didn't feel ready for a real, mature relationship and wouldn't be happy in a kindergarden-relationship. Was nagged a little by friends to get a BF. A little girl from the neighborhood even asked me where my children are and husband.

 

When I was 18 random strangers started telling me I should find myself a nice young man. My mother began talking about grandchildren.

 

And just recently my grandfather has started with boyfriend-innuendo too. In the meantime my mother has started to point at random guys which are her bad boy type looks-wise while saying "That would be a nice partner for you", yuck.

So, let it be said from someone who isn't even in her 20's yet:

 

Never try to push someone for marriage. My mood drops to the freezing point when people start rambling, especially coming from strangers who don't know me at all or what my plans for life are.

 

For the record; my 'prime years' will be spent in university. No, I wouldn't mind writing my final exams there with a baby belly, but the chances of me finding that special someone that early are microscopic. It would also be very reckless of me, as I'm interested in studies that promise good career options and it's no secret that a successful man needs a trophy wife once his old one has turned 30 (not all of course, but it's become quite the trend). Plus, to be honest, I don't trust my pretty fickle-minded generation one bit, and I can't stand silently sitting next to each other with smartphones glued to our faces, so I'll go for a man who is a little older than me (a friend of mine is married to a man 10 years her senior; they've been together for over 6 years now and are very happy to have found each other).

 

Honestly, this thread is scaring me a bit. If someone is going to lecture me about white-picket-fence when I have a bad day things could get ugly.

Edited December 13, 2015 by No Limit

[RedRobin]

^^ oh, girl... You can get an older man any day. When you are 60 there will be some 80 year old who thinks you are hot.

 

 

Your best chance of finding someone close to your own age who you can (maybe) grow old with... and not die on you prematurely... is when you are younger. The divorce rate is actually higher, not lower, for 10+ years age difference.

 

 

I work with a lot of young men... There are a lot of good ones. You just need to look in the right places.

[Lurkeraspect]

That's fine for them to do that. But those people will never convince me they care about children or the world they are bringing them into. That's all. Not like it matters. People will continue to breed like rabbits anyway. We are no different than any other animal that way.

 

As for what the OP wants... Where did she go???

 

Wow! Judgmental much? Good thing we older mums didn't have to ask for your permission, phew. I had my last child at 42. She's now 10 and a brilliant, well adjusted kid. And to say that older moms don't care about children or the world? Yea, that's rich too. This isn't the 1840s and many, many women have successful pregnancies after 35. Sure there is extra risk, (there's always a risk) but I've personally known women in their late 20's/early 30's who have had children with genetic issues and/or birth defects.

 

To the OP, no. Just no.

Edited December 14, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[ltjg45]

Plus, to be honest, I don't trust my pretty fickle-minded generation one bit, and I can't stand silently sitting next to each other with smartphones glued to our faces, so I'll go for a man who is a little older than me (a friend of mine is married to a man 10 years her senior; they've been together for over 6 years now and are very happy to have found each other).

 

I am quite sure you are not from the U.S.A considered your previous posts.

 

Do you feel that this is a common among young woman at or around your age....because I have noticed that I get a LOT of attention from 18-19 year old women on the dating site I am on especially since I am 29 years old. They don't mind the age difference at all even though I am slightly concerned about it, especially when it comes to children.

 

I also do have a lot of respect for you because you are more mature than your age shows and I have seen the same from other young foreign women like you, which constantly surprises me and shows just how far behind the U.S. is when it comes to maturity in comparison.

 

This only makes me more curious than ever before. It really makes me wonder what is really out there across the water.

[The Way I Am]

Plus, to be honest, I don't trust my pretty fickle-minded generation one bit, and I can't stand silently sitting next to each other with smartphones glued to our faces, so I'll go for a man who is a little older than me (a friend of mine is married to a man 10 years her senior; they've been together for over 6 years now and are very happy to have found each other).

 

This can be true for older men as well -- and sometimes even worse. When I was about 26, I dated a guy who was 38 who was less mature more self-centered than the 21 year old I dated when I was 30. The main issue with the 21 year old was just that he eventually wanted kids but I didn't.

 

Don't make assumptions (negative or positive) about a guy just because of his age.

[No Limit]

^^ oh, girl... You can get an older man any day. When you are 60 there will be some 80 year old who thinks you are hot.

 

 

Your best chance of finding someone close to your own age who you can (maybe) grow old with... and not die on you prematurely... is when you are younger. The divorce rate is actually higher, not lower, for 10+ years age difference.

 

 

I work with a lot of young men... There are a lot of good ones. You just need to look in the right places.

 

That's because often interests or simply maturity don't align. So far people who had guessed my age only from writings or conversation thought me to be 30 - 40. I know there are good ones out there but it's just too hard to wait until they're interested in more than vine videos or whatever topics are discussed in cheap TV shows. Someone who would like to accompany me to an opera or philharmonic concert (which I've always visited on my own so far). Or someone who won't reject a cup of coffee with the line "Too expensive, but I have whiskey at my place". So far I've met either constant-party-types or always-whining-about-their-oh-so-terrible-lives-types. Neither are people I want to date.

 

I am quite sure you are not from the U.S.A considered your previous posts.

 

Do you feel that this is a common among young woman at or around your age....because I have noticed that I get a LOT of attention from 18-19 year old women on the dating site I am on especially since I am 29 years old. They don't mind the age difference at all even though I am slightly concerned about it, especially when it comes to children.

 

I also do have a lot of respect for you because you are more mature than your age shows and I have seen the same from other young foreign women like you, which constantly surprises me and shows just how far behind the U.S. is when it comes to maturity in comparison.

 

This only makes me more curious than ever before. It really makes me wonder what is really out there across the water.

 

Correct; I'm from Germany. And no, it's not a common thing, at least not here (but it's also nothing people would frown at, people are tolerant of nearly everything that doesn't harm others here).

As for age difference and children - well, that depends on their true motivation, doesn't it? Are they looking for an established partner for a stay-at-home-wife-life or because like me they just don't feel compatible with their age group?

 

This can be true for older men as well -- and sometimes even worse. When I was about 26, I dated a guy who was 38 who was less mature more self-centered than the 21 year old I dated when I was 30. The main issue with the 21 year old was just that he eventually wanted kids but I didn't.

 

Don't make assumptions (negative or positive) about a guy just because of his age.

 

Sure, but the immature are easy to weed out no matter what age. And I lack the patience to continue working myself through the crowd. Last guy who I thought was nice seemed decent at first, the fact that he worked as volunteer to help give the poor food impressed me too - and then he starts talking about his life as if he was just waiting for death to finally happen. I'm sorry, I have no problem being supportive but being with someone who sees no light at the end of the tunnel is just too much for me to deal with.

[RedRobin]

^^ No offense, No Limit, but I'm older than you, and it is hard to find men who want to go to the opera or symphony of any age.

 

 

It's not an age thing. You'll need to expand your social network to find men who are interested in the arts.

 

 

I think one thing I'd tell people of any age, is to work harder to find and integrate with social groups they feel a part of. You might feel you have alot in common with an older man, but that doesn't mean you have to be romantically involved with him. A lot of those men are happy to patronize a younger woman just to get the poon and bragging rights. It's not about YOU as a person.... and since you are younger, you likely can't see it for what it is...

 

 

There ARE men closer to your age that share your interests. Who you can explore the world with. Don't sell yourself short.

[ltjg45]

Correct; I'm from Germany. And no, it's not a common thing, at least not here (but it's also nothing people would frown at, people are tolerant of nearly everything that doesn't harm others here).

As for age difference and children - well, that depends on their true motivation, doesn't it? Are they looking for an established partner for a stay-at-home-wife-life or because like me they just don't feel compatible with their age group?

 

It's hard to say, really. Reading their messages, I get the vibe that they are looking for an established partner. While it is true that they value family higher than their careers, they also shown that they want to build a career as well and that is something I am looking for in a life partner.

 

As for the 2nd question, they feel they are just not compatible with the local men there. In their eyes, there is not enough guys there and, among them, most of them takes advantage of the imbalance and refuse to be loyal to the women there, hence why they are on the dating site.

 

Whereas my issue is that while there is enough women here, I simply can't find a compatible woman that I am attracted to hence why I am there.

[No Limit]

^^ No offense, No Limit, but I'm older than you, and it is hard to find men who want to go to the opera or symphony of any age.

 

 

It's not an age thing. You'll need to expand your social network to find men who are interested in the arts.

 

 

I think one thing I'd tell people of any age, is to work harder to find and integrate with social groups they feel a part of. You might feel you have alot in common with an older man, but that doesn't mean you have to be romantically involved with him. A lot of those men are happy to patronize a younger woman just to get the poon and bragging rights. It's not about YOU as a person.... and since you are younger, you likely can't see it for what it is...

 

 

There ARE men closer to your age that share your interests. Who you can explore the world with. Don't sell yourself short.

 

The only young people I've seen at the theater were 6 - 12 year old's who were dragged along by their parents.

 

I'm aware of the 'bragging'. However, the older man I was in touch with for a few weeks was honest and upfront about this - but also emphasized that he wanted to spend quality-time beyond impressing friends or business partners. Perfect for me.

 

And sadly, at least in my area there's nobody at all who is all that willing to explore the world who is my age. They say that they'd love to visit this and do that, but they don't really mean it.

 

It's hard to say, really. Reading their messages, I get the vibe that they are looking for an established partner. While it is true that they value family higher than their careers, they also shown that they want to build a career as well and that is something I am looking for in a life partner.

 

As for the 2nd question, they feel they are just not compatible with the local men there. In their eyes, there is not enough guys there and, among them, most of them takes advantage of the imbalance and refuse to be loyal to the women there, hence why they are on the dating site.

 

Whereas my issue is that while there is enough women here, I simply can't find a compatible woman that I am attracted to hence why I am there.

 

Now that sounds like a harsh area to live in indeed, if you're hoping for romance. Guess looking around elsewhere is indeed the only way to go then. As for finding a partner that "fits" - I know that feel. :/

Edited December 18, 2015 by No Limit

[RedRobin]

The only young people I've seen at the theater were 6 - 12 year old's who were dragged along by their parents.

 

I'm aware of the 'bragging'. However, the older man I was in touch with for a few weeks was honest and upfront about this - but also emphasized that he wanted to spend quality-time beyond impressing friends or business partners. Perfect for me.

 

And sadly, at least in my area there's nobody at all who is all that willing to explore the world who is my age. They say that they'd love to visit this and do that, but they don't really mean it.

 

If you mean they don't have the money to pay for it, sure. They have to work for it just like you. Unless they have a trust fund and you strike them as marrying material, they aren't going to pay your way.

 

As for the older man... You are way too young to see through the BS. The guys who have a thing for that know exactly what to say.

 

That's fine. Date those guys. Just don't marry them or let them take you off track from your goals. I still think women are much better off with similar age men. If you have daddy issues, go to therapy. An older man can't fix that.

[No Limit]

If you mean they don't have the money to pay for it, sure. They have to work for it just like you. Unless they have a trust fund and you strike them as marrying material, they aren't going to pay your way.

 

As for the older man... You are way too young to see through the BS. The guys who have a thing for that know exactly what to say.

 

That's fine. Date those guys. Just don't marry them or let them take you off track from your goals. I still think women are much better off with similar age men. If you have daddy issues, go to therapy. An older man can't fix that.

 

I'm not from the US; men generally don't pay for their partners or dating prospects in Germany, and I've never expected it so far. And I doubt that they can't afford 3€-coffee, especially when they offer me 25€-whiskey instead. And marriage is the last thing on my mind as well, especially as long as I'm not established myself (only 8 more years to go though, then I'll be done with the basics!).

 

'These men' knowing exactly what to say... do you mean stuff like "I think I'm already in love with you" etc? Pretty scary, I admit - but nothing forces me to continue being in touch with a person that seems to be off.

 

Nah, I'm pretty sure I know what I'll be dealing with. But thanks anyway for the concern.

[io2iio]

I see alot of single women in their mid-20's-a few that have never been married/or have no kids, I think to myself..well, they are in their "prime" 22-28- and shouldn't someone tell them that now that they are that age-still young and attractive that they need to start dating/finding that life long partner before they turn 35 and its too late? Think about it, their biological clock is ticking, and by the time they hit 35-their will be no men available. I'm 34 and old, I'm past my prime-my biological clock has already been ticked and at my age-dating sucks. They still have opportunities because they are young, people telling single 35 year old women-how they need to find a man, because its too late-is pitiful to hear.

 

So its like this: Young and fertile women in the western world want their cake and eat it too. They want to chase the bad boys in their 20's when they are hot and fertile but the moment they turn turn 30 they will focus on a chump who has saved all his money and get married. At 35 they get bored of him because he is boring and they cheat on him with the pool boy. At 40 they are divorced and hate men. A modern western women's story

 

So you cant tell them what to do because they can do what they want in their life. Its the man's job to identify who is worthy of commitment and run away from the rest as far as possible. The fact that no woman will agree is that their biggest asset that they bring to a relationship is their fertility and youth. Its not their money, job ,status or their love or blah blah blah. A man can earn all this and the only thing he cannot is make babies. So a 40 year old women has low value on any day compared to a 20 year old babe. Just for the reason that her egg count will be close to 0 and even if she can get pregnant , you will spend a 50k to make the baby through invitro. So many women waste their youth chasing bad boys .

 

You cant tell them anything because than you will be a jerk. Wait until they fall on their face. Unfortunately you cannot reverse biology and there is nothing you can do about it. Its their choice.

[MissBee]

I see alot of single women in their mid-20's-a few that have never been married/or have no kids, I think to myself..well, they are in their "prime" 22-28- and shouldn't someone tell them that now that they are that age-still young and attractive that they need to start dating/finding that life long partner before they turn 35 and its too late? Think about it, their biological clock is ticking, and by the time they hit 35-their will be no men available. I'm 34 and old, I'm past my prime-my biological clock has already been ticked and at my age-dating sucks. They still have opportunities because they are young, people telling single 35 year old women-how they need to find a man, because its too late-is pitiful to hear.

 

No.

 

Life is much more than "finding a man." I was just talking to a friend about this and how truly belittling and annoying it is that for men, they are encouraged to develop themselves, be successful and actually be WHOLE PERSONS, while people try to encourage women to simply find a man. It's absurd. One thing my grandmother always told me, since I was in the 6th grade, was that I should focus on school and developing myself because men will always be there. She was a smart woman, God rest her soul, and she is right! Likewise, that's the advice I would give my daughter.

 

There is NO time limit for finding a man. If a man comes along while you're living life, pursue it! But don't buy into this crap that you have an expiration date where you're no longer eligible for love and therefore you should use your youth to "find a man." I would NEVER want a man who thought women expired after a certain age (esp if he is also that age), so I'm not really that concerned about finding a man before that time comes. I've dated a lot and nothing has stuck yet. That's how it goes. It's not a failure on my part and it doesn't mean I should make finding a man my second career. Not everyone wants kids either. I do, so yes there is some concern of finding a life partner before I'm too old for kids, but I'm not in a mad panic over it.

 

35 isn't "too late." It's rubbish. Young and older women alike should be whole persons who have interests, hobbies, friends, careers, and do things in the world and they can also date while doing them but I am not going to stand on the corner beseeching young women to find a man . Also, relationships are a mutual enterprise. You don't simply "find a man" any man. You have to find someone who is actually a good match for you and enhances your life and who feels the same about you. THAT is the hard part and isn't anything you can control. If one just wanted to find a man, any man, it's easy enough. I'd have been married off already if such were the case. But esp if you have a lot going for you, you aren't content to just be with any old penis wielding person and will therefore date and have relationships but may find you need to move on or be single sometimes if no one you meet is eligible.

[MissBee]

I would never tell someone that, but I have noticed that some women who wait do seem to have trouble finding quality men, even if they are successful, established and good looking.

 

I have also had a few late 30s single friends tell me they regret not focusing on family earlier. One friend said she always dreamed about being a mom and having a family, and just assumed it would happen after she became "established". She had her goals and her life planned out, and knew the smart thing was to focus on her education, career & finances. She thought there would be plenty of available guys in the same stage of life, and is so disappointed now.

 

I was only 18 when we decided to get married. My mom and many others discouraged me, since I was so young. My grandmother told me not to listen to them. She said on my deathbed I wouldn't be thinking of my degrees or career accomplishments - I'd be thinking of the memories I had with my family & kids. Still, many young marriages don't make it and that should be considered, as well.

 

I think many young women have goals of being married & a mom. It's important to them, and that's OK. Isn't this part of a woman's life just as important as education or career goals? Parents who have their child's best interest at heart often discourage serious relationships and encourage them to pursue education & career goals first. Which as a parent, I totally understand. But sometimes it doesn't work out like you planned.

 

Every parent wants their child to believe they can reach their goals & have everything they want in life. We want to encourage them & instill confidence- you can do anything you set your mind to! And there is nothing wrong with that. I just think if you KNOW your daughter or niece or young friend wants a family, and you know it is very important to them... why minimize those dreams? Why should something so important and rewarding be pushed aside? Being a mom and a wife is the most important thing in my life, and in the lives of many women I know. Why send the message to young women that motherhood is not important, or it can wait, or it's guaranteed?

 

I think in your 20s, it can be difficult to have perspective. You think you have so many years to make your dreams happen.

 

One part of this I've never understood is, how exactly do you control finding a husband and having kids, barring simply marrying a man, any man, who is okay enough?

 

This is a serious question. Isn't much of it simply lucky? That is, you were fortunate enough to find someone you wanted to marry versus you consciously avoided finding someone? QS, I'm not saying this is what you specifically are saying, but the sentiment is popular enough that I wonder, how exactly do people think finding love works? Unless your marriage is just completely pragmatic and not about love, then finding someone whose values match yours, whom you're in love with and want to spend your life with and have kids with, how do you control when that happens?

 

Your career and education are things you have more control over. I can apply for particular schools, work hard and get good grades, do professional development, you have mentors, advisors, people who train you to do these things etc...there are explicit things you can do to succeed in that area where largely much of it is in your control. But with dating, you can actively join dating sites or put yourself out there by approaching men everywhere you go I guess, but it is not quite the same where being single/not married is a DIRECT reflection of your efforts. I have dated A LOT! But most of them were frogs, some were decent, 2 I thought I'd marry, but it ended up not working out. Dating is also about an entire other human being's emotions and choices about you...your career, while other people have a say, it is not as narrow as you have to win the interest then heart and sustain a loving relationship with ONE person who can at any point change their mind. You have more leverage, leeway and options there versus in love IMO.

 

You choose someone, but someone also has to choose you and so many factors go into it beyond the idea that single women in their 30s or whatever age were the ones who simply didn't try hard enough to find a man...meanwhile men who are doing the exact same thing ( many of whom still find women ) are NEVER told that pursuing what was in their control (career, education) was why they didn't find love whereas with women there is this implicit message that career and so on and finding love are at odds and to do one means you can't do the other. Or if you're single and successful it is BECAUSE of your success or your focus why and has nothing to do with the fact that love is also not something you can control. I do think part of the problem is that maybe the more you have going for you the higher your standards get and then maybe who was eligible 10 years ago is no longer someone you'd find eligible now, so your standards have increased and you find it harder to settle, whereas maybe if you say married fresh out of college or high school, you simply had different wants and needs and were willing to grow whereas when you're established you drive a harder bargain.

 

But, yes, sure, maybe some women actively shun relationships or found the perfect husband material and turned him down so that they could focus on careers (I personally don't know anyone like this to be honest though, all my gfs are career minded highly educated and ambitious, some are in LTRS, a few are married, some are still looking, but none are running away from love to focus on their career with a one-track mind, mostly all of us want both-and, except with the love part we cannot club an eligible bachelor over the head).

 

I think people who happened to find a husband in their 20s, lots of things account for it, but largely it just happened to work out and it wasn't that they were simply prudent enough to make this an active goal (although, most of the people I know who got married very young, who made this an active goal are my religious friends whose entire families, churches and the church-affiliated colleges they went to pretty much set it up as an MRS. Program where actual active husband and wife recruitment was going on). I know people who happened to meet their future spouses in college...it wasn't an active goal. They happened to date and fall in love and stay together, while some of us dated and it just didn't stick. I imagined I'd be married with 3 kids by 27, I'm currently 27 and that's not the case. I'm actually happy I'm not,but trust me, I had little control over the fact that no relationship has as yet stuck for me. So sometimes I wonder what exactly do people mean when they say you focused on your education/schooling and neglected finding a man, because the way the two things work and the control you have in the two spheres differs tremendously.

Edited December 20, 2015 by MissBee

[janie96]

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Edited December 20, 2015 by janie96

[The Way I Am]

But, yes, sure, maybe some women actively shun relationships or found the perfect husband material and turned him down so that they could focus on careers (I personally don't know anyone like this to be honest though, all my gfs are career minded highly educated and ambitious, some are in LTRS, a few are married, some are still looking, but none are running away from love to focus on their career with a one-track mind, mostly all of us want both-and, except with the love part we cannot club an eligible bachelor over the head).

 

I agree. I've also never known any woman who actively decided not to have a relationship to focus on a career. I've had people say to me because I'm successful and not married that I must be passionate about my career or chose my career over a relationship. Nope. Not really. I'm good at my job but not passionate, and there's no reason why I couldn't be married and do the exact same job. It's kind of a silly idea. I've just never met a guy who I could see myself with for rest of my life, who could see himself with me, and who also met my needs.

 

There were a couple guys I could have settled for -- and probably divorced by now. And a couple that I felt strongly about who didn't feel the same about me. I guess the only way I could have put more effort into relationship would have been to settle.

 

I do think there are many women (and men to a lesser extent) settling because they buy into the ideas spouted in post #46 up there that they have a time limit before the good men won't want them anymore.

 

I've started to wonder if alot of the bitter divorced men you see on forums in rants like post #46 are a result of young women buying into that idea that they need to snag a man before they get too old. So before time runs out, they settle for a guy who's in love with them but they aren't really that in love with. Then in 5-10 years, they realize they still have options, so they callously dump the husband they were never really that in love with. And because they were dependent on his money, it ends up with a bitter broken-hearted guy who feels like he's been taken to the cleaners.

Edited December 21, 2015 by The Way I Am