Thoughts on my situation? I'm dying inside

[broken_hearted777]

So here's the story, I met him online April 2013 and it's been a whirlwind ever since. He knew I was a virgin and we hit it off with hours long on the webcam talking, etc. I found out in June/July that he was a child and ex wife (separated not divorced) and I was shocked but dealt with it. I moved to another continent that year and he always planned on visiting but finances was an issue and it wasn't exactly cheap. In January of 2014 I found out that he was not quite responsive anymore because he was seeing someone else. This after almost a year of promising me the world (even though we never really talked about relationship status or anything). I was broken and all my friends had left me in that other country less than a month prior. I felt broken and completely alone.

 

He was still seeing her and we had minimal contact but always flirting until April when I decided to use a dating app to meet other people. It was just for fun, nothing serious as I was moving back home that June. This happened that I'm quite ashamed off and l lost the V card. I moved to the guy's city in June for studies but he influenced a big part of the decision because he was worth taking the chance. He knew I was coming and broke it off with the girl he started seeing in January. He asked me about being a V as the last time it was mentioned, I still was and I was to ashamed to admit that I wasn't so I just lied about it. He found out by going through my phone but I never admitted and actually told him til June of this year. It's been over a year and a half into the relationship, flawed only by fights about my past because he now has trust issues. He has a psycho (and i mean psycho) ex wife and child which is more baggage than I ever thought I could handle but I learned how to deal with it and have made peace with his past. (Also the divorce only went through in October 2015.( He on the other hand keeps fighting me about this guy in my past that I regret and am ashamed about because I lied about it to begin with. He would obsessively ask me about details when we would fight about it. He randomly gets upset about it and does not seem to have any real triggers.

 

This morning I found out that since I came clean in June, he has loved me less and does not want to get over this issue (because he would get over it if he really loved me all that much). But we lived with another lady from February 2015 and we got our own place in September 2015 so the timeline is not making sense to me. We have built our lives together and I even take care of his daughter for one full day every time it is his weekend to have her. I have made sacrifices and do everything for him. He says I'm the perfect girl but he's tired of feeling like this and he can't get over his issues. He also says he won't find another girl like me but he doesn't want to treat my like **** anymore so he thinks we should break up. In the past he has said this is not worth breaking up over.

 

Thoughts?

 

I am 24 and he is 27. The relationship progressed quite fast and I am now nursing a broken heart in his city by myself as I did not have time to just make friends, he always wanted to be together and we were together 24/7 until things started changing a month ago.

[Captivating]

Hi, well he seems to be practicing a double standard. He can date someone else, but you shouldn't You shouldn't be ashamed of anything, you guys were not dating when you met someone else, and he had past relationships too, he is not a virgin either. He shouldn't be upset about the past, it's silly. You guys are dating now, he should be happy and appreciate you for being such a great and caring girlfriend. You should have a talk with him very peacefully, tell him that you love him and that you both need to make efforts towards a smoothly working relationship such as.....you will fill in the blank (Don't even talk about the possibility of breaking up, never ever use that as an ultimatum, he shouldn't either.) Try not to be with him 24/7 Don't be too available. He needs to feel that life goes on for you with or without him, you are not dependent on him. Be a proud lady, don't put up with not being treated right.

[Blanco]

You've ignored numerous red flags:

 

- Getting involved with a married man. Sure, he was getting divorced, but separating/divorcing isn't the same as divorce. It's not even a moral issue for me. It's the reality that most divorced people need time after it's all over to get their bearings again and figure out who they are post-marriage. This guy didn't do that.

 

- He has a contentious ex-wife. It can be hard enough to date a recently divorced person, but throw in a kid and a spiteful ex? Playing with fire. But on that note...

 

- What was HIS role in the deterioration of the marriage? It's easy to just say, "Hey my ex was nuts," but no marriage breaks down entirely because of one person. In fact...

 

- I'd suggest his insanely hypocritical, borderline emotionally abusive behavior regarding you seeing someone else indicates that maybe his wife isn't the only "crazy" one.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you've been spared. This guy very likely doesn't know what the heck he wants right now. Recently divorced people are usually an emotional wreck for a while, especially when kids are involved. I think you were collateral damage for him trying to date too soon after separation.

 

Personally, I think he's realizing he's not in any place to be having a serious relationship so soon after his marriage ended. You two were living together before he was even divorced! I think he's just trying to find an out now.

[broken_hearted777]

You've ignored numerous red flags:

 

- Getting involved with a married man. Sure, he was getting divorced, but separating/divorcing isn't the same as divorce. It's not even a moral issue for me. It's the reality that most divorced people need time after it's all over to get their bearings again and figure out who they are post-marriage. This guy didn't do that.

 

- He has a contentious ex-wife. It can be hard enough to date a recently divorced person, but throw in a kid and a spiteful ex? Playing with fire. But on that note...

 

- What was HIS role in the deterioration of the marriage? It's easy to just say, "Hey my ex was nuts," but no marriage breaks down entirely because of one person. In fact...

 

- I'd suggest his insanely hypocritical, borderline emotionally abusive behavior regarding you seeing someone else indicates that maybe his wife isn't the only "crazy" one.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you've been spared. This guy very likely doesn't know what the heck he wants right now. Recently divorced people are usually an emotional wreck for a while, especially when kids are involved. I think you were collateral damage for him trying to date too soon after separation.

 

Personally, I think he's realizing he's not in any place to be having a serious relationship so soon after his marriage ended. You two were living together before he was even divorced! I think he's just trying to find an out now.

Thanks for that though first, he had been separated for 2 years when we met and the divorce proceedings took time because it was a ****load of money, she was uncooperative, and there was an infant involved.

 

To be fair to him, I have actually seen her messages and how she is psychologically scarring the child. So she is a psycho, he got coerced into marriage at 21 with "marry me or i'll leave you".

 

Again the marriage was over for him over 2 years ago and thats when he began to file papers but it was taking ages with the courts.

 

We would constantly fight about the lie until it came out in June. But he is over it because he wants details about the guy cause he doesn't think i'm telling him everything (which is really none of his business anyway).

 

Thanks for the insight though it's not about him being in a serious relationship, he just can't get over the fact that I lost the V card when he was dating someone else and lied about it.

[broken_hearted777]

Hi, well he seems to be practicing a double standard. He can date someone else, but you shouldn't You shouldn't be ashamed of anything, you guys were not dating when you met someone else, and he had past relationships too, he is not a virgin either. He shouldn't be upset about the past, it's silly. You guys are dating now, he should be happy and appreciate you for being such a great and caring girlfriend. You should have a talk with him very peacefully, tell him that you love him and that you both need to make efforts towards a smoothly working relationship such as.....you will fill in the blank (Don't even talk about the possibility of breaking up, never ever use that as an ultimatum, he shouldn't either.) Try not to be with him 24/7 Don't be too available. He needs to feel that life goes on for you with or without him, you are not dependent on him. Be a proud lady, don't put up with not being treated right.

it wasn't that I couldn't. Again the main issue that he has is that I lied about losing my V card and though he was always suspicious and we would fight about it a lot, it didn't really come out until June of this year. He knows he has so much more baggage than me but some some reason, i have dealt with all he comes with and he just can't deal with and get over that one lie from my past. He says there's no way to solve it. Well there's no way to solve him having a child either but I dealt with it and have come to terms with the situation.

 

We live together and I do everything for him...Cook, laundry etc simply because i like taking care of him but also because i have much more free time than him. I don't think anyone has ever done that for him before so he thinks I'm the best and perfect girl but he just can't seem to get over that lie. Why does it matter so much to him?

 

Too late, we already talked this morning and in the past when i would say "do you want to break up?" he always answered that it isn't worth breaking up over. This morning though he said "we should break up soon" and when i asked he said he wants to. He said he is tired of feeling like this and making me feel bad and treating me like crap for how he feels about the "situation".

 

We live together so not seeing each other is impossible. I made myself busy the last month or so and have not assumed we had plans all the time anymore.

 

He messaged me about the least on the unit and if i want to stay so the breakup is final as he has said he is tired of fighting for us and he has given up.

[Blanco]

Thanks for that though first, he had been separated for 2 years when we met and the divorce proceedings took time because it was a ****load of money, she was uncooperative, and there was an infant involved.

 

Exactly. Lots of unfinished, stressful business. Not an ideal time to be searching for another partner.

 

To be fair to him, I have actually seen her messages and how she is psychologically scarring the child. So she is a psycho, he got coerced into marriage at 21 with "marry me or i'll leave you".

 

Did they already have a kid at this time? If not, then no one MADE him get married. He had the choice to leave. Even if they did have a kid already, he's still got free will and so I don't really buy into the "poor him, his gf MADE him get married." I didn't discount that she's vindictive, but I highly doubt it's just her. Right now, you have his side of things. Of course he's going to pin it all on the ex.

 

We would constantly fight about the lie until it came out in June. But he is over it because he wants details about the guy cause he doesn't think i'm telling him everything (which is really none of his business anyway).

 

Thanks for the insight though it's not about him being in a serious relationship, he just can't get over the fact that I lost the V card when he was dating someone else and lied about it.

 

You two weren't even together when this happened, correct? And he had dated someone else, which is why you were even seeing other people, correct? You understand how irrational he sounds, correct?

 

You aren't his property. You're accepting of his past and the fact that he's still got a child and bitter ex to deal with. You say you've done all these things for him. You take care of his daughter half of the time he's got her. And yet, he's going to war with you because he "can't get past" that you slept with someone while you two weren't even together? Well, that's HIS problem to get past.

 

I am so sick of reading these threads where perfectly normal sounding women have been treated like trash by some knucklehead guy and yet it's the woman who just can't get past the idea of losing these schmucks.

 

I'm sorry. I know you have relatively little experience with these things, but please do not think that you have to settle for such an obviously substandard arrangement. Things are this bad and you've lived together for three months. IF he ever gets past this, he will find something else to hold over your head. I promise it. You have looked past and worked with this guy's baggage and he's still acting like a petulant child who had to "share his toy."

[broken_hearted777]

Exactly. Lots of unfinished, stressful business. Not an ideal time to be searching for another partner.

 

 

 

Did they already have a kid at this time? If not, then no one MADE him get married. He had the choice to leave. Even if they did have a kid already, he's still got free will and so I don't really buy into the "poor him, his gf MADE him get married." I didn't discount that she's vindictive, but I highly doubt it's just her. Right now, you have his side of things. Of course he's going to pin it all on the ex.

 

 

 

You two weren't even together when this happened, correct? And he had dated someone else, which is why you were even seeing other people, correct? You understand how irrational he sounds, correct?

 

You aren't his property. You're accepting of his past and the fact that he's still got a child and bitter ex to deal with. You say you've done all these things for him. You take care of his daughter half of the time he's got her. And yet, he's going to war with you because he "can't get past" that you slept with someone while you two weren't even together? Well, that's HIS problem to get past.

 

I am so sick of reading these threads where perfectly normal sounding women have been treated like trash by some knucklehead guy and yet it's the woman who just can't get past the idea of losing these schmucks.

 

I'm sorry. I know you have relatively little experience with these things, but please do not think that you have to settle for such an obviously substandard arrangement. Things are this bad and you've lived together for three months. IF he ever gets past this, he will find something else to hold over your head. I promise it. You have looked past and worked with this guy's baggage and he's still acting like a petulant child who had to "share his toy."

His issue isn't with me dating someone else, because obviously he doesn't just date virgins, right. His issue is that i lied about it and kept up that lie for a while..... So he's pissed about the lying. Is he still irrational?

 

I feel like if I came clean from the start maybe though wouldn't be happening...

[Blanco]

You said he would always ask for details about this other guy when you were fighting about it. To me, that says this is more about him being jealous of what he believes is his (i.e. you) than it is about being lied to.

 

If he were just about about being lied to, he wouldn't need for you to unpack details about this guy, because the two things aren't really related. Knowing more and more about the guy wouldn't change the fact that you weren't upfront, so I don't know why he would care about the details if the lying was the only part bothering him. So yes, I think he's being irrational.

 

You've basically rearranged your life for this guy and worked hard to implement aspects of his life into yours. If he really cannot get past this, then that's his problem. As I said, I suspect this is just a sign of things to come if you stay with him. He will find other things to be upset with you about. And based on what you've said, he sounds like the kind of person who will probably never let this issue finally rest. It will be his ace in the hole when he needs leverage during a dispute about something else.

[broken_hearted777]

details about what we did, how far we went, etc... those are the details and i'm unwilling to answer so it's a lie of omission which he's pissed off about although yes he is jealous.

 

he always brings it up as well and gets upset, no triggers. so annoying. I guess it is his issue but other than fights about my past, we agree on most everything else so it's really frustrating. I feel like I wasted 1.5 years....