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End the marriage and commit to OW?

supernerd

By supernerd
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supernerd Member

supernerd

Posted
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Posted

I was married to an amazingly lazy man. This will not get better without counseling and some goals/homework from the counselor. You will eventually totally burnout.

 

It is exhausting being someplace you don't want to be. You don't want to be with your dad and you aren't happy in the marriage.

 

Do you want to stay and fix the marriage? Or are you done? I was done for the last 4-5 years of my marriage and those are the years I regret the most. Those are years I wasted being unhappy. And I was still young enough that I could have remarried and had kids.

 

I've found help for dad; yea we are in the US of A but he is not a veteran (did six years in the Nat'l Guard though and I am checking on that). He is not long for this world. Another 2 weeks and he will be completely wheelchair bound. W wants to keep him at home because she "promised him" she would; and she carries a lot of stubborn pride. I appreciate wanting to keep him at home but I know that at some point it is not affordable to hire the help and not feasible or safe for him or us, for us to do so.

 

Burned out, you say. I've lost 50 pounds in three months. I have no appetite. 285 to 235. My kids comment that I never smile or laugh. My shrink told me to do something for myself once a day or at least twice a week. Between sitting with dad, working two jobs, laundry, cooking, dishes, etc... I don't have time. Typing this here, in the anonymity of the internet, is the only thing I get to do for "me".

 

The internal conflict that I have is-- I am DONE; but I was raised around such a negative association with divorce and I don't want to be the "bad guy" and initiate the divorce process. Bottom line.

cja Established Member

cja

Posted
Posted (edited)

Divorce? That's not being the bad guy. Would actually take more courage. Being DONE, yet staying married and cheating or really wanting to cheat and growing seeds of resentment: now THAT'S being the "bad guy"

Edited by cja
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  • Like 4
turnera Established Member

turnera

Posted
Posted
The OW and I have talked about this very thing. If we do start a relationship after my split, it will appear to grow fresh from nothing. Absolutely will not present the impression that she broke the W and myself up.

Oh. So you're just going to LIE to everybody, just so you LOOK good.

 

How expected.

  • Like 5
minimariah Established Member

minimariah

Posted
Posted (edited)
I avoid conflict. At all costs.

 

this is a problem & you should deal with it in individual counseling - if you don't, it will damage your every other relationship.

 

The OW and I have talked about this very thing. If we do start a relationship after my split, it will appear to grow fresh from nothing.

 

it probably won't -- the other woman is your wife's friend & it will cause conflict, no matter how long you wait. & because you knew her before, she isn't someone new - folks will most definitely at least suspect something was going on during your marriage. people aren't stupid.

 

you're avoiding conflict again, instead of facing it & dealing with it.

 

I still can't get the W into counseling but am going to give it a go, "one more time".

 

you have to confess & tell her about the affair - if you don't, you can't ever claim that you truly tried and gave your marriage your all "one more time" -- your wife doesn't want to go to MC but you're not doing any better either. you're going just for the sake of going and making yourself feel better - not at all for the right reasons. at least your wife is honest about it.

 

and this part --

 

What makes it complicated is that I have always had feelings for a friend of hers. Always thought "she's the one I'm going after if there's ever a split". She's all my wife isn't.

 

so, basically - you've been checked out & looking for a REALLY long time yet the entire thread... you keep putting the blame on your spouse. you can't possibly be a good husband while fantasizing about your wife's friend a huge part of the time. it's not how it works.

 

i see a lot of demonizing of the wife and very little acknowledgement of your own mistakes and you're far from a great husband. just something to think about.

Edited by minimariah
  • Like 6
Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

Posted
Posted
I've found help for dad; yea we are in the US of A but he is not a veteran (did six years in the Nat'l Guard though and I am checking on that). He is not long for this world. Another 2 weeks and he will be completely wheelchair bound. W wants to keep him at home because she "promised him" she would; and she carries a lot of stubborn pride. I appreciate wanting to keep him at home but I know that at some point it is not affordable to hire the help and not feasible or safe for him or us, for us to do so.

 

Burned out, you say. I've lost 50 pounds in three months. I have no appetite. 285 to 235. My kids comment that I never smile or laugh. My shrink told me to do something for myself once a day or at least twice a week. Between sitting with dad, working two jobs, laundry, cooking, dishes, etc... I don't have time. Typing this here, in the anonymity of the internet, is the only thing I get to do for "me".

 

 

The internal conflict that I have is-- I am DONE; but I was raised around such a negative association with divorce and I don't want to be the "bad guy" and initiate the divorce process. Bottom line.

 

Yes, being in the National Guard counts as being a veteran"

 

Each county has a veterans service officer (as do larger cities). Check without county courthouse. Touch base with the DAV, American Legion, DAV and Elks Lodge. It doesn't matter if your dad is a member or is even eligible to be a member. More than likely someone from these organizations can either help or send you in the direction of someone who can help. Respite care can be provided. This is the time to ask for help. Particularly if there just aren't enough hours in a day. One woman I know was just exhausted from taking care of her kids and ailing parent. Her church sent volunteers to help with yard work. She just didn't have time.

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

Posted
Posted
The internal conflict that I have is-- I am DONE; but I was raised around such a negative association with divorce and I don't want to be the "bad guy" and initiate the divorce process. Bottom line.

 

It's like anything that's difficult to do -- once you get past the initial hurdle, the rest is easier. Please do not let society's prejudices cause you to resign yourself to a life of hell. Whenever anyone got judgmental with me about my divorce, I ignored it, knowing that if they wanted my ex, they could have him. I do not let others dictate my life or my decisions.

 

You would do well to just tell your wife that you want out and let the chips fall where they may. No matter what happens, keep reminding yourself about how done you are with this ridiculous relationship, and how dead it makes you feel. Think about one year from now and how all of this will be over, and the relief you will feel. I have never, ever regretted leaving a bad relationship. Never.

  • Like 3
  • 7 months later...
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supernerd Member

supernerd

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Well, lot of time has passed.

 

Update, for anybody interested.

 

The OW married her previous BF yesterday.

 

Two weeks ago, she broke down crying on me, saying she wishes she hadn't accepted his proposal, thst she had her heart set on me.

 

I've got an appointment with my lawyer Friday. Dad is on hospice care.

 

OW says "what do *we* do now "? And my reply was, " you enjoy your husband, and I'll keep on keeping on till I'm single... "

 

I don't think my heart has ever been this broken.... but time wounds all heels"? Right?

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

OP, was there a reason you didn't start the process seven months ago when you first posted here?

 

The OW possibly saw your inaction as a sign that you were never going to take the steps needed to change your life and made the decision to move on with hers.

 

Yes, time WILL heal your wounds, but you have to stop looking at the OW as the prize at the end of the tunnel. A happy and fulfilling life that not filled with the pain you are in *is* a goal to work towards.

  • Like 6
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

It's amazing how many people say their ready to leave their spouse no matter what and when you check the end of their thread you see they are reconciling. Just incredible.

  • Like 4
Noideanow Established Member

Noideanow

Posted
Posted (edited)

Supernerd you wrote that if your wife wanted councling you would Want to give the marriage a chance, what do you think that made your "friend" feel/think? You only wanted her in case your wife didnt change? She was Not your choise? Hope she forgives you in case you divorce, unfortunaly i know sad stories where it wasnt the case, i guess you have to prove to her you are trustworthy:confused: but its also up to her to be true to Herself and everybody and not make the same mistake you made, just hope it works out for you, if not with her Then with somebody else/)May i ask you a maybe twisted question, do you think you had divorced or been on the way to it had it not been for her meeting someone else? Maybe she did a wise thing?:confused:

Edited by Noideanow
  • Like 1
ShatteredLady Established Member

ShatteredLady

Posted
Posted

She's married now! How on earth will him getting divorced & starting an affair with her now married help anything!! Just let it go & live a decent life.

  • Like 4
  • Author
supernerd Member

supernerd

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Supernerd you wrote that if your wife wanted councling you would Want to give the marriage a chance, what do you think that made your "friend" feel/think? You only wanted her in case your wife didnt change? She was Not your choise? Hope she forgives you in case you divorce, unfortunaly i know sad stories where it wasnt the case, i guess you have to prove to her you are trustworthy:confused: but its also up to her to be true to Herself and everybody and not make the same mistake you made, just hope it works out for you, if not with her Then with somebody else/)May i ask you a maybe twisted question, do you think you had divorced or been on the way to it had it not been for her meeting someone else? Maybe she did a wise thing?:confused:

 

The OWs new husband she has known for 20 yrs. Dated and broke up six times.

 

She stressed over my problems, I assured her that she was not the cause. That I've been progressing slowly towards unhappiness for 10+ years with the W.

 

I brought up counseling and the OW agreed. She wanted W and me to do everything we could to rekindle.

 

Ive had to attend counseling alone a few times. She doesn't like what she hears.

 

I'm still close friends with the OW. Always will be. Even if she did break my heart. My W breaks it every chance she gets...

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
My W breaks it every chance she gets...

 

Only if, by your continued presence, you give her permission to...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 6
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
My W breaks it every chance she gets...

 

Then why are you still with her?

  • Like 3
Noideanow Established Member

Noideanow

Posted
Posted
The OWs new husband she has known for 20 yrs. Dated and broke up six times.

 

She stressed over my problems, I assured her that she was not the cause. That I've been progressing slowly towards unhappiness for 10+ years with the W.

 

I brought up counseling and the OW agreed. She wanted W and me to do everything we could to rekindle.

 

Ive had to attend counseling alone a few times. She doesn't like what she hears.

 

I'm still close friends with the OW. Always will be. Even if she did break my heart. My W breaks it every chance she gets...

 

ohh that doesnt sound healthy:( sounds like she was trying to manipulatate you to get divorced by saying she wanted you to work out, to make you want the opposite, maybe:confused: hope things in time gets in order but im affraid you have to set clear boundariess and not let her play you, but really im not one to give advice in this scenario, just think about yourself i guess but be true to yourself dont play games:confused: like she probably does and maybe even doesnt know:( ohh its just such a shame:(

  • Like 3
SweetiePi Established Member

SweetiePi

Posted
Posted

You dragged your feet for 7 months and showed your OW no sign of hope that you would go through with a divorce. What do you want her to do? Pine after you for another year or 2? If you were serious then you should have shown her that while you had a chance. She probably agreed to the counselling with your W so she doesn't look like the bad guy forcing you to leave.

 

 

The OWs new husband she has known for 20 yrs. Dated and broke up six times.

 

She stressed over my problems, I assured her that she was not the cause. That I've been progressing slowly towards unhappiness for 10+ years with the W.

 

I brought up counseling and the OW agreed. She wanted W and me to do everything we could to rekindle.

 

Ive had to attend counseling alone a few times. She doesn't like what she hears.

 

I'm still close friends with the OW. Always will be. Even if she did break my heart. My W breaks it every chance she gets...

  • Like 3
wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

Posted
Posted (edited)
The OWs new husband she has known for 20 yrs. Dated and broke up six times.

 

She stressed over my problems, I assured her that she was not the cause. That I've been progressing slowly towards unhappiness for 10+ years with the W.

 

I brought up counseling and the OW agreed. She wanted W and me to do everything we could to rekindle.

 

Ive had to attend counseling alone a few times. She doesn't like what she hears.

 

I'm still close friends with the OW. Always will be. Even if she did break my heart. My W breaks it every chance she gets...

 

Oh for the love of...never mind who.

 

your ow was so broken hearted over losing you that she dated, accepted a proposal from, and married another man? she dragged him into her F'up situation? How long until she cheats on him with you because she "just can't help it" or " I'm so confused" or " I know I married this other schmo, but we need or explore our rleationship, so I'm fine with cheating on him with you" blah, blah, blah...

 

Dude, smarten the f'up. Divorce your wife if that's what feels right for you, but your ex-ow is no prize pig herself. A woman who would lie to some poor schmucks face, tell him she loves him, accept his ring , plan a wedding and stand in front of her friends and family and make promisees of love and fidelity to him is two things:

 

(a) not in love with you or him...she just loves attention and drama and herself most of all

(b) one hell of a liar

 

I hope you have a better moral compass than she does, and count your lucky stars you dodged that bullet

 

btw...the comment a poster made about her using marrying this other guy to manipulate you into getting a divorce to be with her full time..that sounds very likely. Nice way to treat the man, isn't it? Lies to his face that she loves him, while using him to try and get you to divorce?But I suppose it's what one would expect from someone who lies to her friend's face and pretends to be her friend while hoping her marriage ends so you can be with her

Edited by wmacbride
  • Like 7
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

Why have you dilly dallied all this time?

 

The OW clearly didn't see any solid signs of you exiting your marriage.

 

Time to step up and do the right thing.

 

That poor man who married your OW while she's stuck on you. Then one wonders why the divorce rate is so high ... simply because people should have never married in the first place.

  • Like 4
  • Author
supernerd Member

supernerd

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I didn't not make any progress towards a split. (read that carefully).

 

Consulted with a lawyer in Sept of last yr. He fine tuned my documentation skills.

 

Took time to talk her into counseling, and once started, document her lack of interest in it and refusal to follow some of his advice.

 

I didn't want to start it with the kiddos in school, but have decided that our mental health will be worth the inconvenience.

 

Appointment with the lawyer is this coming Friday (three more days).

 

I thought the OW and I had something, but everyone's comments are duly noted. I don't predict that the will be with him for a great long while. But once bitten, twice shy... Can't pursue anything with her in the future after all this.

  • Like 2
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
Well, lot of time has passed.

 

Update, for anybody interested.

 

The OW married her previous BF yesterday.

 

Two weeks ago, she broke down crying on me, saying she wishes she hadn't accepted his proposal, thst she had her heart set on me.

 

I've got an appointment with my lawyer Friday. Dad is on hospice care.

 

OW says "what do *we* do now "? And my reply was, " you enjoy your husband, and I'll keep on keeping on till I'm single... "

 

I don't think my heart has ever been this broken.... but time wounds all heels"? Right?

 

Your Dad is in hospice?

 

Maybe wait until he passes and deal with the fallout from that.

 

That's going to be a huge, shattering event for your family already. No point hitting them so hard all at once.

 

And really, what's up with you and OW? You both can't figure out any relationship boundaries. Jeez

 

There's "conflict-avoidance" and then there's being totally off your nut.

  • Like 3
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
I didn't not make any progress towards a split. (read that carefully).

 

Consulted with a lawyer in Sept of last yr. He fine tuned my documentation skills.

 

Took time to talk her into counseling, and once started, document her lack of interest in it and refusal to follow some of his advice.

 

I didn't want to start it with the kiddos in school, but have decided that our mental health will be worth the inconvenience.

 

Appointment with the lawyer is this coming Friday (three more days).

 

I thought the OW and I had something, but everyone's comments are duly noted. I don't predict that the will be with him for a great long while. But once bitten, twice shy... Can't pursue anything with her in the future after all this.

 

I guess if I were the OW, you going to counselling would be a sign you wanted to work on your marriage. Otherwise, if you were so in love with the OW then you'd have filed for divorce.

 

Counselling isn't really a step towards divorce. Unless it's just a tick box exercise and your OW was in on the plan all along.

 

Anyway, putting your children first was good of you.

  • Like 1
Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

Posted
Posted
Oh for the love of...never mind who.

 

your ow was so broken hearted over losing you that she dated, accepted a proposal from, and married another man? she dragged him into her F'up situation? How long until she cheats on him with you because she "just can't help it" or " I'm so confused" or " I know I married this other schmo, but we need or explore our rleationship, so I'm fine with cheating on him with you" blah, blah, blah...

 

Dude, smarten the f'up. Divorce your wife if that's what feels right for you, but your ex-ow is no prize pig herself. A woman who would lie to some poor schmucks face, tell him she loves him, accept his ring , plan a wedding and stand in front of her friends and family and make promisees of love and fidelity to him is two things:

 

(a) not in love with you or him...she just loves attention and drama and herself most of all

(b) one hell of a liar

 

I hope you have a better moral compass than she does, and count your lucky stars you dodged that bullet

 

btw...the comment a poster made about her using marrying this other guy to manipulate you into getting a divorce to be with her full time..that sounds very likely. Nice way to treat the man, isn't it? Lies to his face that she loves him, while using him to try and get you to divorce?But I suppose it's what one would expect from someone who lies to her friend's face and pretends to be her friend while hoping her marriage ends so you can be with her

 

 

All of this!!! ^

 

Plus, let's not forget the OW was the BS's long-time friend. You say you have had issues with your wife for a long time and you also admit you have had a longstanding crush on the friend/OW.

 

Well no wonder you don't like your wife, no wonder things haven't been working out with your wife for as long as they have! Your attention and love is preoccupied with her friend whether you admit this to yourself or not. Has it EVER occurred to you that your wife changed over time feeding off of your unhappiness and emotional absence from her? It's what we do in relationships, we feed off of each other. You never mentioned emotional absence but c'mon if you are infatuated and confiding in her friend for all this time how invested could you be in your wife and marriage?

 

 

Beyond that, the kicker is that this OW sounds like she is a raging narcissist. She has 0 capacity for setting boundaries with: you, her new husband, her good friend (your wife) and she is so self-loathing and her emotional vampireism is so pronounced that she has ruined the lives of three people in one fell-swoop and you fail to see the abuse.

 

Whatever you do with your situation with your marriage be very clear on the fact that this OW has no love for anyone but her own ego, she uses people as emotional fountains and is addicted to adulation at any expense because it is the only thing she has to elevate her self-loathing and low self esteem.

 

If you consider being with this woman she will take your love leverage that against you and torture you until she destroys you.

 

How do I know that? She has shown clear signs of manipulation and is willing to destroy three lives for attention, anyone who is that sadistic, is capable of anything.

  • Like 5
Morgoth Established Member

Morgoth

Posted
Posted

You know I skimmed this thread and just wanted to make a few observations:

 

1. Staying for your kids is always better for the kids. Divorced people with kids will always spew out some BS about how divorce does not affect the kids, or is better for them - there are reams of data and statistics saying otherwise. I stayed, and my children are all successful professionals in stable relationships. I have also known a lot of younger women that miss daddy when he's gone, but just more opportunity. Some of you divorced middle aged women with 20 something daughters may be surprised with who she is spending her time with.

 

2. To the OP after 15 years, things won't change much until your kids are grown up, then maybe you can find something between you and the wife, or it you will just be more comfortable. In the mean time you can find what you're looking for/need in a lot of places. If your wife finds out she owns just as much responsibility for the situation as you do. Especially if she is bitchy and sarcastic, and I'd imagine probably over weight.

 

3. Also, it never ceases to amaze me when I stop by here, how many posters suggest just hitting the reset button. I'd imagine after 15 years, you have some wealth accumulated, assets, etc. Hard to recover the financial aspects of divorce. Much easier to find solace with a lover that has no desire to create baggage and go home.

 

4. There are lots of available women these days that have no qualms about whether your MM or not. Never been easier to find what you need. So what if your hearts desire got married. Find what you need else where.

 

Good luck to you.

  • Like 1
wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

Posted
Posted
You know I skimmed this thread and just wanted to make a few observations:

 

1. Staying for your kids is always better for the kids. Divorced people with kids will always spew out some BS about how divorce does not affect the kids, or is better for them - there are reams of data and statistics saying otherwise. I stayed, and my children are all successful professionals in stable relationships. I have also known a lot of younger women that miss daddy when he's gone, but just more opportunity. Some of you divorced middle aged women with 20 something daughters may be surprised with who she is spending her time with.

 

2. To the OP after 15 years, things won't change much until your kids are grown up, then maybe you can find something between you and the wife, or it you will just be more comfortable. In the mean time you can find what you're looking for/need in a lot of places. If your wife finds out she owns just as much responsibility for the situation as you do. Especially if she is bitchy and sarcastic, and I'd imagine probably over weight.

 

3. Also, it never ceases to amaze me when I stop by here, how many posters suggest just hitting the reset button. I'd imagine after 15 years, you have some wealth accumulated, assets, etc. Hard to recover the financial aspects of divorce. Much easier to find solace with a lover that has no desire to create baggage and go home.

 

4. There are lots of available women these days that have no qualms about whether your MM or not. Never been easier to find what you need. So what if your hearts desire got married. Find what you need else where.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Sorry, but this is the worst advice ever.

Funny how spouses who cheat always place all the blame for it on their bs. Never mind the fact they, themselves, may be no prize package.

 

Of course, I know, it's always the bs's fault. If only he or she wasn't such a crank, lost weight, brought in a bigger pay cheque, went to the gym more often, was a pron star in bed, was never feeling sad or upset, etc., then affairs would never, ever happen.

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

  • Like 5
ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
Posted
You know I skimmed this thread and just wanted to make a few observations:

 

1. Staying for your kids is always better for the kids. Divorced people with kids will always spew out some BS about how divorce does not affect the kids, or is better for them - there are reams of data and statistics saying otherwise. I stayed, and my children are all successful professionals in stable relationships. I have also known a lot of younger women that miss daddy when he's gone, but just more opportunity. Some of you divorced middle aged women with 20 something daughters may be surprised with who she is spending her time with.

 

2. To the OP after 15 years, things won't change much until your kids are grown up, then maybe you can find something between you and the wife, or it you will just be more comfortable. In the mean time you can find what you're looking for/need in a lot of places. If your wife finds out she owns just as much responsibility for the situation as you do. Especially if she is bitchy and sarcastic, and I'd imagine probably over weight.

 

3. Also, it never ceases to amaze me when I stop by here, how many posters suggest just hitting the reset button. I'd imagine after 15 years, you have some wealth accumulated, assets, etc. Hard to recover the financial aspects of divorce. Much easier to find solace with a lover that has no desire to create baggage and go home.

 

4. There are lots of available women these days that have no qualms about whether your MM or not. Never been easier to find what you need. So what if your hearts desire got married. Find what you need else where.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Well aren't you just a breath of fresh air :sick:

  • Like 5
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