End the marriage and commit to OW?

[supernerd]

OK, so I'm not a long time lurker, just found the site a few weeks ago, and registered last week. But need some advice.

 

I have fallen away from my wife. I just don't like her. I don't hate her or wish her ill will, but she is lazy, constantly sarcastic, and generally unpleasant. I don't agree with her on some parenting issues. She will not go to marriage counseling.

 

It was her idea to move in with my dad due to his failing health. I wanted to put him in a home, but she promised him she'd keep him home as long as she could. I have reasons to be distant from him, and don't like this situation.

 

These feelings pre date our move in with him. We've been married 15 years and I've been unhappy for 10 or so.

 

What makes it complicated is that I have always had feelings for a friend of hers. Always thought "she's the one I'm going after if there's ever a split". She's all my wife isn't.

 

I confide in her a lot, and about 6 months ago I let my feelings be known. It turns out that she has felt the same way. So we have begun a relationship... of sorts. Spending what time we can alone, txting, I've even stolen a few kisses... nothing beyond first base, but we have shared enough thoughts, hopes, dreams that my spouse would hit the roof.

 

The right thing to do is stay with my spouse, for my kids' sake... but I'm not happy and I don't think she is either. I think moving in with dad was a ploy to keep me from leaving because she can't support herself. But my boys see me treated like crap daily and I don't want them thinking that's how a family dynamic is.

 

How do I know if the OW is true love or just a rebound / "grass is greener?"

[Space Ritual]

What button do I push that makes your mommy come pick you up from the Wussy station?

 

 

You could have done a lot of things differently...you could have asked for a divorce. But you didn't. You decided to take a step that you can't undo.

 

You have a lot of excuses...Poor Me..Poor me...get some balls, dude.

 

 

The marriage problems can be divided Fifty Fifty. Your decision to stray is all your own.

 

The Right Thing is not staying for the kids. Plenty of kids grow up just fine in single parent homes. The right thing to to do was to not be such a little worm as to put your self and your family in this position to begin with.

 

That ship sailed, and you steered it right out to sea...all on your own.

 

Tell your wife what happened, and accept the consequences. Hope this stupidity was all worth being a half time parent and throwing ahand grenade on your family's life.

[minimariah]

How do I know if the OW is true love or just a rebound / "grass is greener?"

 

there is no way of knowing that.

 

you can divorce, marry the OW and then divorce again 25 years from now. it happens. there is no such thing as "one true love" - we love more than once during our lifetime and the "trueness" of one's love isn't measured by the length or even success of the relationship.

 

if you're done with your marriage - leave for yourself and because you're unhappy... not because you're trying to jump from one relationship to another while trying to seek for some kind of guarantee that this time... it will work out.

 

we live one day at a time and notning is ever certain. first step - DIVORCE.

 

then you'll see where the relationship with the OW takes you.

[PegNosePete]

The right thing to do is stay with my spouse

Really? You are involved in an extra-marital affair. I don't think you're in any position to say what the "right thing to do" is.

 

The right thing to do is to confess your indiscretions to your wife, tell her that you are no longer happy in the marriage, and file for divorce.

 

How do I know if the OW is true love or just a rebound / "grass is greener?"

First you do the right thing, and end your marriage. Then you worry about what will happen in future relationships.

[Redfisher]

This saddens me....my ex wife of 10 years did this to me and I wish she just had the balls to say it was over and move on instead of me finding out and breaking my heart.

[smackie9]

Man if I had a nickel for every time I heard "Staying for the kids sake...."

 

I have talked to the kids of parents that chose to stay in a unhappy marriage....they wished their parents did get divorced.

Kids will be happier with two happy separated parents with fulfilling lives than parents that just exist with each other so disconnected. Your kids are not stupid, they know, and feel something is a miss.

 

Stop making excuses for your cowardice and get a divorce. I think you owe it to your wife the truth.

[sandylee1]

Why did YOU allow your dad to move in if you didn't agree? You should have stuck to your guns and said no. That's your first mistake. That's on YOU.

 

Next ... please of all the other women.. why her friend? A double betrayal to add to it.

 

You have been unhappy for so long. .. you just need to divorce as she's refusing counselling. There is nothing to save as you don't even like your wife let alone love her.

 

Start by getting your dad into a home. Then tell your wife you aren't happy, you no longer want the counselling and you have feelings for another woman. Divorce while she's young enough to find a another man to love her. Consult an attorney so she knows you really are done... let her know how the assets will be split.

 

I would not want a husband who didn't like me. Especially after I was kind enough to care and look after his sick father.

Then be prepared for the fallout.

[supernerd]

Man if I had a nickel for every time I heard "Staying for the kids sake...."

 

 

You'd have a sack full of nickels to beat sense into people like us...

 

 

Especially after I was kind enough to care and look after his sick father.

 

Little problem here, I'm doing the work and she claims credit. She is somewhat delusional. Ah well. Your other points are all well taken.

 

I avoid conflict. At all costs. Even my own happiness and contentment. All the advice given above, is what I've known all along... that I just need to call her out, man up, etc. etc. etc.

 

Had I not let it go so far, get this bad, things would be different.

 

Interstingly enough, I got busted every year on my job review for being too intimidating. Boss said "nobody wants to question you". (I'm an engineer). Never been able to apply that to personal life.

 

Time to let her know where I stand...

[sandylee1]

Yes indeed it is time. Get your dad in the home and proceed from there.. if you don't love her and don't want to be with her.... don't waste your time or hers..... but I still say not with her friend.. how would you feel if she got with a friend of yours?

[Space Ritual]

. (I'm an engineer). Never been able to apply that to personal life.

 

Book Smart and Street Stupid is no way to go through life, son...

[smackie9]

I totally get it....you don't have emotional attachment/involvement to your business associates/coworkers so you don't have any problem telling it like it is.

[Mr. Lucky]

I avoid conflict. At all costs. Even my own happiness and contentment. All the advice given above, is what I've known all along... that I just need to call her out, man up, etc. etc. etc.

 

Actually not true. An affair with your wife's friend is a recipe for about as much conflict as one can imagine.

 

You avoid honesty. At all costs. At some point, you're going to have to start living an authentic life. Want to "walk the walk" as an example for your kids? The bad example isn't your wife's treatment of you, it's your reaction - including the affair - to it.

 

Your future with the OW is about 5th place on the list of what's currently important in your life. I've heard engineers say "the fewer moving parts, the better". Think about that in the context of what you're doing now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

You'd have a sack full of nickels to beat sense into people like us...

 

 

 

Little problem here, I'm doing the work and she claims credit. She is somewhat delusional. Ah well. Your other points are all well taken.

 

I avoid conflict. At all costs. Even my own happiness and contentment. All the advice given above, is what I've known all along... that I just need to call her out, man up, etc. etc. etc.

 

Had I not let it go so far, get this bad, things would be different.

 

Interstingly enough, I got busted every year on my job review for being too intimidating. Boss said "nobody wants to question you". (I'm an engineer). Never been able to apply that to personal life.

 

Time to let her know where I stand...

 

Well the bold is a HUGE problem. Probably why you are looking to have an A instead of facing the issues of the M head on or dissolving it.

 

Looking into having an A with her friend? C'mon buddy really!?!? Of all people her friend is the one you want to ruin your M for . Seriously if you go forward with a double betrayal you really deserve all the fallout you're gonna get. Good Luck my friend!

[casey.lives]

If you can't give kids the best family, you can... at least give them the best life, you can.. sometimes divorce is the best life..Keep sadness and negativity and grossness afar from their upbringing that's what ideal parents do. As far as your new secret lover.. put everything out on the table and take a chance on love. But remember everyone deserves love.. so don't unnecessarily hurt others. It could very well be true love... but BE a loving person yourself - ALWAYS

[carhill]

OP, IMO you won't have a clear picture of the relationship with the OW until you've resolved the care issues regarding your father and ended your marriage and worked on yourself. Then the relationship, or not, with the OW can be clarified and worked if the parties are amenable.

 

Right now you're in limbo land.

 

To put it in ironworker terms, since you're an engineer, what do they do to people who stall out projects? I work that milieu, so know exactly how it goes; the people get replaced. They become irrelevant.

 

Yeah, it's the holidays. There's never a good time for bad news. Never. Make a decision and move forward. Yeah, it's conflict. I get that. However, it beats having the sheriff show up unexpectedly with some really unpleasant news that you have zero control over, like a divorce lawsuit.

 

Good luck!

[turnera]

How do I know if the OW is true love or just a rebound / "grass is greener?"

By cutting off all contact with her, pursuing a divorce, and being ALONE for an entire year. NO females.

 

THEN, see what you're looking for.

 

That way, you won't be the homewrecker you're starting on the path of and you won't lose the respect of your kids, your family, your kids' other grandparents, and, well, just about everyone ELSE you know.

[ShatteredLady]

If you leave your wife for another woman it's bad. If you leave for your wife's friend!!! Please think about what you're doing. The way you manage this could have a HUGE effect on our children for the rest of their lives!!

 

If you're miserable get divorced. PLEASE don't burden your kids with the embarrassment & pain of having a Dad who 'Dumped their Mum & them AND put their grandad into a home so he could shack-up with Mums friend!'.

 

You can be ALONE. That completely changes the story of their lives! I know it must be very hard going from a family too doing it all yourself, by yourself. A lot aren't brave enough! Be a good father AND find yourself.

[bathtub-row]

Get out of your marriage. Just cut out the cancer and move on. It doesn't matter if it works out with the OW or not, it sure is worth a try, and worth walking away from this bad marriage.

[Lady2163]

OK, so I'm not a long time lurker, just found the site a few weeks ago, and registered last week. But need some advice.

 

I have fallen away from my wife. I just don't like her. I don't hate her or wish her ill will, but she is lazy, constantly sarcastic, and generally unpleasant. I don't agree with her on some parenting issues. She will not go to marriage counseling.

 

It was her idea to move in with my dad due to his failing health. I wanted to put him in a home, but she promised him she'd keep him home as long as she could. I have reasons to be distant from him, and don't like this situation.

 

These feelings pre date our move in with him. We've been married 15 years and I've been unhappy for 10 or so.

 

What makes it complicated is that I have always had feelings for a friend of hers. Always thought "she's the one I'm going after if there's ever a split". She's all my wife isn't.

 

I confide in her a lot, and about 6 months ago I let my feelings be known. It turns out that she has felt the same way. So we have begun a relationship... of sorts. Spending what time we can alone, txting, I've even stolen a few kisses... nothing beyond first base, but we have shared enough thoughts, hopes, dreams that my spouse would hit the roof.

 

The right thing to do is stay with my spouse, for my kids' sake... but I'm not happy and I don't think she is either. I think moving in with dad was a ploy to keep me from leaving because she can't support herself. But my boys see me treated like crap daily and I don't want them thinking that's how a family dynamic is.

 

How do I know if the OW is true love or just a rebound / "grass is greener?"

 

I usually stay out of the infidelity forum, because I am a former, unapologetic OW. Not sure how I got to this post, but I did want to add my .02 cents.

 

I was married to an amazingly lazy man. This will not get better without counseling and some goals/homework from the counselor. You will eventually totally burnout.

 

It is exhausting being someplace you don't want to be. You don't want to be with your dad and you aren't happy in the marriage.

 

Do you want to stay and fix the marriage? Or are you done? I was done for the last 4-5 years of my marriage and those are the years I regret the most. Those are years I wasted being unhappy. And I was still young enough that I could have remarried and had kids.

 

If you know you're done, then end it...but after the holidays if you're Christian. Don't let the kids associate Christmas with the marriage ending. It can leave a sour taste in their mouth for years. My family is infamous for "Norman Rockwell on acid holidays" and as I was writing this, it all started when I was a child and my brother ended his marriage at age 20 at Christmas.

 

There are places that can help with your dad. Your town probably has a senior citizen foundation. Often they do have day cares. They pick your dad up, provide lunch and activities, then deliver him back home. They do field trips and bring in performers. They do cost, but are usually cheaper than child care!

 

There are also caregiver programs out there. I know the VA has done a real push to revamp and acknowledge caregivers. Not sure if your dad is a vet or even if you're American. There is help available.

[Brandyundercover45]

In this situation you aren't doing your wife any favors by staying with her, and yourself either for that matter. Eventually this is going to come out in the open and not only is she going to lose her husband but she's also going to lose her friend. Better to just break it off now before any thing sexual happens. I'm cheating on my husband but I don't dislike him or want out of the marriage, if I did I'd leave.

 

OK, so I'm not a long time lurker, just found the site a few weeks ago, and registered last week. But need some advice.

 

I have fallen away from my wife. I just don't like her. I don't hate her or wish her ill will, but she is lazy, constantly sarcastic, and generally unpleasant. I don't agree with her on some parenting issues. She will not go to marriage counseling.

 

It was her idea to move in with my dad due to his failing health. I wanted to put him in a home, but she promised him she'd keep him home as long as she could. I have reasons to be distant from him, and don't like this situation.

 

These feelings pre date our move in with him. We've been married 15 years and I've been unhappy for 10 or so.

 

What makes it complicated is that I have always had feelings for a friend of hers. Always thought "she's the one I'm going after if there's ever a split". She's all my wife isn't.

 

I confide in her a lot, and about 6 months ago I let my feelings be known. It turns out that she has felt the same way. So we have begun a relationship... of sorts. Spending what time we can alone, txting, I've even stolen a few kisses... nothing beyond first base, but we have shared enough thoughts, hopes, dreams that my spouse would hit the roof.

 

The right thing to do is stay with my spouse, for my kids' sake... but I'm not happy and I don't think she is either. I think moving in with dad was a ploy to keep me from leaving because she can't support herself. But my boys see me treated like crap daily and I don't want them thinking that's how a family dynamic is.

 

How do I know if the OW is true love or just a rebound / "grass is greener?"

[cocorico]

End the marriage?

 

Yes.

 

Commit to OW?

 

Too soon to tell. One step at a time.

[LimeBlue]

Sounds like you are my MM except for a few details changed in your post in order to avoid being identified if you are lol. My MM also avoids conflict at all costs and spins word salads at a rate of knots in order to avoid.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You need to get yourself together before you worry about another woman. It is always best to finish one relationship before starting another, besides if she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you. It doesn’t sound like communication is a strong point to this relationship. You confide in another woman, who agrees with everything you say and your wife that seems to do as she pleases. You seem to be avoiding the bigger question of your relationship with your wife. You need to make a command decision if you want this relationship to work or not. If you do, then you need to do things to fix the relationship, ditch girlfriend, get in counseling, open communication, etc. If you don’t then you need to come up with a plan to split finances, child support, visitation, etc. Either way, it is time to make a command decision.

[supernerd]

If you leave your wife for another woman it's bad. If you leave for your wife's friend!!! Please think about what you're doing. The way you manage this could have a HUGE effect on our children for the rest of their lives!!

 

If you're miserable get divorced. PLEASE don't burden your kids with the embarrassment & pain of having a Dad who 'Dumped their Mum & them AND put their grandad into a home so he could shack-up with Mums friend!'.

 

You can be ALONE. That completely changes the story of their lives! I know it must be very hard going from a family too doing it all yourself, by yourself. A lot aren't brave enough! Be a good father AND find yourself.

 

By cutting off all contact with her, pursuing a divorce, and being ALONE for an entire year. NO females.

 

THEN, see what you're looking for.

 

That way, you won't be the homewrecker you're starting on the path of and you won't lose the respect of your kids, your family, your kids' other grandparents, and, well, just about everyone ELSE you know.

 

The OW and I have talked about this very thing. If we do start a relationship after my split, it will appear to grow fresh from nothing. Absolutely will not present the impression that she broke the W and myself up.

 

As far as timing goes, OW and I have mutually decided to pace ourselves anyway; I still can't get the W into counseling but am going to give it a go, "one more time". I've been hurt so much, but am willing to forgive again IF she will attend MC with me.

 

I've tried to put the shoes on other feet; #1 would I be happy if I was in same situation if W was replaced with OW; #2 How would I feel if W had an OM; (I didn't mention her calling her ex-fiancee and ex-boyfriends a year or so ago; I'm thinking, "I'll help you pack", this is before the OW) and #3 If I treated W like she treats me how would she behave?

[supernerd]

Sounds like you are my MM except for a few details changed in your post in order to avoid being identified if you are lol.

 

Nope, no details changed to protect the innocent. My W does not know what an internet forum is.