Need some s and just some outsiders view

[Punchkick]

This is such a long complicated story but I'll try to mainly talk about the key points. Me and my ex have been together for 2 years. She's 40 I'm 28. She has 2 kids. We all had great chemistry. She said she loved and loves me the most and her children have never been closer or more open to another. She's been married 2-3 times 1 engagement and a stirng of relationships but none worked. So we had a on and off relationship for the longest time and it started affecting the core the last few months. We split first of November for the 100x but this time I had enough so I did not go bald right away and ignored and just barely spoke to her. I planned trips internationally and nationally to do me and eventually get back with her. The whole month she would communicate things like I don't love her, she can't fight for me if I don't, or I'm stringing her a long which makes no sense because she split with me but she turns it and blames me. Before I left for Washington on thanksgiving we would see and sleep together etc.while I was gone we would talk here and there but she would say things that gave the idea that she wants it back. Like sending pics of her and the kids saying thinking of you expecting me to say I miss her and all that And gets mad and that I talk to another girl etc So last Sunday was the first time I saw her since I left and she didn't look good at all. But I was fine looked better felt good. So we talked about stuff a little slept together then from there it was constant messages of her saying she's in love with me but I'm not with her and if i know how that feels how she loves me even if I have someone else which I don't. Tuesday rolls around and she calls me before I go to work and we discussed what issues, needs and wants we both need for our relationship. Then later she messages me again saying "I know you don't care but I'm with the boys playing a game" she then sends me a sound bite of kids saying they miss me. I had to call them because one was crying saying he misses me. Tuesday night is where the crazy storm happend. I go there and we talk and ask for a commitment while I'm away and she pulls the hot and cold again! The one thing I told her I don't want. e wants to move on then she changes her mind again in 10 min and again and again. Then I find out shes hiding something because she hid her phone and claims he's just a distraction. Ill be gone for a month for my second trip and all i was for a commitment while i'm gone and we can use that time a part to figure how we can make it work. She acting weird crying shaking and throwing up. it was weird. Later we had sex and she whispers "I need you"

 

 

But she cant. But yet she's in love with me? bull****. I was so upset. I told her to tell to my face that shes not in love with me, she doesnt want to be with me and she wants someone else. She cried and cried and said NO because its not true. I had enough. I know it was wrong in some ways but at the same time it wansn't when I told her "how dare you beg me to come back when I'm already healed and moving forward only to do this again? you're a coward I hate you you're dead to me and I'm dead to you. Do not ever contact me again. **** you. I left.

 

What breaks my heart about this whole thing are the kids. We were close. I had to call one yesterday because he was crying asking where I was and in the morning he gave me a hug and told me he loved me. I had to tell them that I was leaving and not coming back because its not healthy for them to see this on and off stuff. In the end it is finally over because this time I called it over and as bad as it sounds a part of me hopes she's suffering. say what you want but I did not deserve that ans she deserved everything I said to her. After all I did for her and her 2 kids.

[Downtown]

Punch, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums and drama, lack of impulse control, low empathy, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

We had a on and off relationship for the longest time.

The repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship. It occurs because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible for you to back away from triggering one of her fears without starting to trigger the other fear.

 

As you draw close to assure her of your love, for example, you will trigger a BPDer's engulfment fear because, although BPDers crave intimacy, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, she will quickly feel like you're trying to control her -- and she will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed. She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering her abandonment fear. Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you were always in a lose/lose situation. You lost no matter what you did.

 

We split first of November for the 100x.

Due to the push-away and pull-back cycle described above, BPDer relationships are notorious for having numerous breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

I told her to tell to my face that shes not in love with me.... She cried and cried and said NO because its not true.

If you've been living with a BPDer for two years, her claim of truly loving very likely is true. With respect to love, the problem with BPDers is not that they cannot love you but, rather, that they are so emotionally immature that they can only do it in the same limited way that a four year old is able to love. Sadly, that type of love -- although it is very real -- falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature, adult relationship.

 

The whole month she would communicate things like I don't love her, she can't fight for me if I don't, or I'm stringing her a long which makes no sense because she split with me but she turns it and blames me.

If she is a BPDer, it is impossible to convince her that you truly love her and will remain loyal to her. A BPDer is filled with so much self loathing that, even when she is convinced that you love her AT THIS VERY MOMENT, she lives in fear that you will abandon her as soon as you realize how empty she is on the inside.

 

With BPDers, the only exception to that statement occurs during the courtship period, a time of infatuation that typically lasts 4 to 6 months. During that brief period, her infatuation convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has come to rescue her from her unhappiness. In this way, the infatuation holds her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. She therefore is briefly convinced you will never walk out on her. As soon as the infatuation starts evaporating, however, those two fears return and you will start triggering the anger she's been carrying since early childhood. At that point, it will be impossible to prove to her that you will never leave her and that you dearly love her.

 

Need some outsiders view.

My view, Punch, is that it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, Punch.

[Punchkick]

Thank you for the reply! That is a very informative response! Part of me just wonders how she is and wonders if she is having a difficult time as well especially after I told her she's dead to me and never to contact me again. I mean if she couldn't tell me she wasn't in live with me and did not want to be with me and be with someone else I don't see how she can be with anyone else. I also wrestle with the fact that we will never talk again and ever get back together. I can't remain friends with her and I know deep down she can't either. It's rough. I tried going on a date to see how it would feel because I'm sure she's doing the same thing. But I didn't feel anything. If she was so emotional to the point of crying shaking and vomitting I wonder how she is now. We haven't spoken in a week and I leave the country on Monday. I'm starting to feel better. But I do miss us and our little family we had going. It's rough. I just want to how she's handling it. Anybody have an idea? How would you react or feel after someone said those things to you?

[SunlightJune]

I just want to point out the obvious here. you are 28 and she's 40. Date someone your own age and you wont run into these problems. yes, these problems are based on the age difference, even if you cant see it.