rainshadow Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Hi everyone: I'm in my late twenties and have been dating a wonderful man (who is the same age) for almost a year. This might seem like a shallow topic to post, but I'm wondering how other people feel about their partners gaining weight? My boyfriend is good looking and likes to get out and do stuff, but over the past few months, he's been steadily gaining weight (we lead student lives at the moment). I feel ashamed for even caring about how he looks as I know it's really superficial, but it is also a health thing. The problem is that because it's becoming noticeable now (through his shirts), my attraction to him has diminished. I don't want to control his behaviour because I know that this is about my own issue and insecurities. We've brought it up jokingly in conversation and even he acknowledges that he needs to lose weight - he used to be really fit - but he hasn't really stopped his eating habits. I think this issue also stems from the fact that I'm always worried about my own weight. I dread the thought of ever gaining weight and I think it is a control issue. I hate the fact that this fear of 'fat' has transferred over to a person I love. I feel so guilty but I'm not sure how to get over my growing lack of attraction over a bit of love handles and fat. I guess I'm just asking if other people have encountered this problem - and how do you deal with it? Do you constructively and encouragingly try to get them to exercise, or do you just accept the weight gain? I just don't want to hurt his feelings, but at the same time, I want to feel the same attraction to him again - without the weight bothering me. Any suggestions? Thanks!
chaos70 Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 My partner ballooned up to 200+, but I only mentioned it as a health hazard and nothing else. I also stressed repeatly that if she is comfortable with herself, then that is all that matters, but I would like to know she isn't going to keel over from a heart attack or get further health problems.
SexKitten Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 i think it's only natural to notice weight gain, and how you feel about it is how you feel about it. just don't be insensitive, that could make it worse. people who need to lose weight know they need to lose weight. if he already knows he needs to, he will try on his own when he is ready. losing weight is probably one of the most difficult things to do. making it a point to say something about it will do just that...make your point. but if he is going to lose weight, he needs to want to and actually have the willpower himself. i wouldn't bring it up to him again. he knows the problem and the health risks. just be very encouraging if he talks about losing weight and getting healthier. and keep in mind that comfortable couples tend to gain weight...so your situation is definitely not unusual!
Syncerity Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 i kno how that is...i dont really have a problem with if my partner gains weight..as long as it is needed gained weight... i had a x that was a lil on the chubby side, i mentioned to him that i wanted to lose a few pounds myself cuz that would make our sex life a little better and whanot, and somehow, ( i forgot if i told him to lose weight with me) but it go to the point where he wanted to lose weight as well.. a nice way to get your partner in shape without really telling them they are getting heavy is to just say you need a workout partner...not only will you be helping HIS health, but YOUR own as well..and ull be doing this as a couple..so thats a way to get him back to his normal size without hurting his feelings
Sal Paradise Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Originally posted by rainshadow Hi everyone: I'm in my late twenties and have been dating a wonderful man (who is the same age) for almost a year. This might seem like a shallow topic to post, but I'm wondering how other people feel about their partners gaining weight? My boyfriend is good looking and likes to get out and do stuff, but over the past few months, he's been steadily gaining weight (we lead student lives at the moment). I feel ashamed for even caring about how he looks as I know it's really superficial, but it is also a health thing. The problem is that because it's becoming noticeable now (through his shirts), my attraction to him has diminished. I don't want to control his behaviour because I know that this is about my own issue and insecurities. We've brought it up jokingly in conversation and even he acknowledges that he needs to lose weight - he used to be really fit - but he hasn't really stopped his eating habits. I think this issue also stems from the fact that I'm always worried about my own weight. I dread the thought of ever gaining weight and I think it is a control issue. I hate the fact that this fear of 'fat' has transferred over to a person I love. I feel so guilty but I'm not sure how to get over my growing lack of attraction over a bit of love handles and fat. I guess I'm just asking if other people have encountered this problem - and how do you deal with it? Do you constructively and encouragingly try to get them to exercise, or do you just accept the weight gain? I just don't want to hurt his feelings, but at the same time, I want to feel the same attraction to him again - without the weight bothering me. Any suggestions? Thanks! The thing is from your description it doesn't sound like he's gained that much and its just now becoming noticeable. You do realize that even if he loses this weight as he gets older he will most likely gain a few pounds, perhaps enough to where you notice, and with age and the weight gain/loss of muscle mass that comes with it you may find yourself once again losing attraction to him. Also realize that you will become less atrractive and gain a few pounds as well. What then? If you truly love this person it shouldn't matter. Also remember as someone else said, he is most likely aware of the issue, and when he's ready he will tackle it.
Author rainshadow Posted May 31, 2005 Author Posted May 31, 2005 thanks for the replies! we ended up talking about weight last night and was surprised to hear that he actually WANTS me to tell him that he's gaining! he said that he wants someone who cares about how he looks and that he'd be upset if i didn't say anything and just 'let him go'. he said that we should be open and honest with each other (tactfully of course) and that he's happy i've said something. completely opposite response than most people would expect (including myself). strange, but good i guess. i stressed that i don't want to make him feel bad but he said he wasn't offended at all. he used to be a competitive swimmer so we've made plans to swim together and do more active things. i think stressing the 'we' part helps - as i love to keep active, and if we can do it together then it's not like it's entirely HIS problem. his father is overweight with health problems so he said that he would never let it get to that point. anyway, your points are all very valid however - people do gain weight as they get older and i will have to accept that.
faux Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 I don't want my girlfriend to gain weight, and I don't want to gain weight myself. Years ago, I went from being very lean to very fat, and have since gotten back to a healthy weight. The only annoyance over weight in my relationship would be my girlfriend's; I am trying to lose a few more pounds when she says I do not need to, along with everyone else. I just want to increase my activity level more than it has been over the past few months. A busy college schedule left me little time to walk and exercise as much as I would have liked. If the weight matters to you, then the weight matters to you. Maybe you can both involve yourself in activities to keep you both healthy. Jogging and walking can be done together. If he wants to go to a gym, I'm sure that you could also do the same with him.
Tony Posted June 1, 2005 Senior Moderators Posted June 1, 2005 I catch hell everytime I write about this subject but the bottom line is FAT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE! Physical attraction is very much a part of a relationship and you fall for somebody, in part, because of their physical appearance. If that appearance changes radically, it can affect our feelings...I don't care how nice other people would like to be about this subject, I'm giving you the brutal truth. Oh yes, of course, there are a few exceptions. Just think, if your BF had been fat when you met him, would you have given him a chance at winning your heart? Probably not. I think your relationship is at a critical stage right now. You need to have a heart to heart talk with him and serve him notice that his pending obesity may begin to impact your feelings about him. It IS NOT SUPERFICIAL, it's a fact of life. We are attracted to who we are attracted to. Look at the personal ads...seldom do you seem somebody who is looking for a fat dude in bad condition. There may be serious psychological and/or physical reasons for this recent soar in weight for him. He ought to get a check up by a docotor and, if found to be in good medical condtion, have him join a gym and see a nutitionist about getting on a weight loss regimen. Let him know all the way you will be supportive in this effort. You have major problems if he's highly offended and resists your efforts to get him to lose weight. At times, weight gain can be an unconscious way to drive somebody away. Think about it! Now some people actually do like people who are overweight and that's great. However, you don't sound like one of them...and that's a problem for your relationship.
slimjim Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 gee, all this shallow A.. talk about weight. if this was a guy that posted this topic, these LS women that always want an "honest and open relationship" would be spitting nails and mad as hell. how shallow can you be, etc. etc. you're correct tony, it does make a difference in a relationship, and i'm glad her SO accepted it in such a manner. he was for a true honest and open relationship. it seemed to even surprise rainshadow in her last post. i just wonder what would have happened if it was the female's vanity being challenged, and if the response would have different. talk about double standards.
Author rainshadow Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 i just wonder what would have happened if it was the female's vanity being challenged, and if the response would have different. talk about double standards. I wholeheartedly agree with you!! The reason I was shocked that my BF wanted me to tell him he's gaining weight is because I'm not sure if I could handle it myself. I really didn't want to hurt him, and I felt guilty for being shallow. Women are typically under more pressure to be waifer thin (hence my own issues with making sure I don't gain any fat whatsoever). What it comes down to is matters of perception. He regards our discussion about weight as imperative for a healthy, attraction-filled and open relationship. He's also conscientious because his dad is very overweight.
Author rainshadow Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 There may be serious psychological and/or physical reasons for this recent soar in weight for him. He ought to get a check up by a docotor and, if found to be in good medical condtion, have him join a gym and see a nutitionist about getting on a weight loss regimen. I had thought of this as well - he is in fact going to see a doctor about other health symptoms he's been having which could have influenced his weight. It's also b/c we are students and not doing as much physical activity as normal - and I should mention that he's not really FAT per se, but he's developed some noticeable love handles and beer gut qualities. It's sad how we are conditioned to see fat as unattractive - no matter how much I tell myself it's nothing, I still look at him and remember how he USED to be (only months ago) and it does diminish my physical feelings for him. I eventually want to be the kind of person who doesn't care about these things as much (unless it's health related). It's not very much fun being a woman and always worrying about gaining weight.
beesknees Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 i want my bf to gain weight and ugly up so that no other women will look at him. tee hee! i like who he is on the inside, and i don't want other people to find my treasure and want a piece of him too. sure, i'm insecure... he's not going to get fat and ugly up though. he's thin as a rail, tall, dark, and handsome. pffft!!!!
moimeme Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 I was with someone who was very muscular. He put on 30 lbs while we were together and added a bit of a pot. Didn't bother me a bit but he did have cholesterol problems so I encouraged him to lose weight for the sake of his health. I didn't find him less attractive at all. I doubt weight issues would bother me unless someone had become morbidly obese. However I would certainly be bothered about it if there were associated health issues and I'd encouage him to do it for his sake and because I wanted him to stay around. In the case of this ex, I persuaded him that he needed to do it for the sake of his kids - that they deserved a dad who'll be around for their weddings, etc.
goodnbad Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 I don't mind if my SO gains a little bit of weight, but when we're talking 50 or 60 pounds or more, I have to admit that it's just not attractive and definitely does depress my desire for them. It's just that I am attracted to men that are, how did they say it in the old days? 'Healthy boys'---ie, husky but not obese. I can't help how I feel----sex with someone when they have large boobs and a hugely-protruding belly is a turn-off. Maybe I'm being shallow, but everyone is turned on or off by different things. There is nothing wrong with having an attraction to bigger people either, I just don't happen to be one of them. As for becoming older and changing looks, I see that as a different matter. When a man loses his hair or some of his 'toned' look, goes gray, or gets wrinkles, that is only aging. You can't really do much about that stuff. There are several men in their 60's that I find attractive, but part of it is that they are physically fit. I cannot get it out of my mind that 'morbidly obese' means lazy or sloppy. It's like they have little respect for themselves (and this is probably true to a point). So how would they be able to have respect for me? And how is this for being a hypocrite? I used to be almost 100 pounds overweight. But even this I found repulsive. I will still stand in front of the mirror and criticize myself if I gain a few pounds, not exactly healthy behaviour, but it's just how my mind set works, sadly.
Sal Paradise Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 I've dated over weight women, fit women and everything in between. My biggest thing is the personality. If I find someone who I connect with spiritually I'm not going to let a few pounds of fat get in the way of experiencing something special. Its perfectly fine for someone to have things they find unattractive (my biggest turn off is smoking). But I can't understand someone who would leave someone for gaining a few pounds. I'm not saying anyone here is stating they would. But it does happen, and it seems rather shallow and pathetic to me. Especially when it happens with married couples, I guess for better or worse doesn't mean much to them. Its kind of odd though, I've met many who tolerate infidelity in a relationship but they can't tolerate obesity. They can forgive the affair, but they can't forgive the love handles.
goodnbad Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by Sal Paradise I've dated over weight women, fit women and everything in between. My biggest thing is the personality. If I find someone who I connect with spiritually I'm not going to let a few pounds of fat get in the way of experiencing something special. Its perfectly fine for someone to have things they find unattractive (my biggest turn off is smoking). But I can't understand someone who would leave someone for gaining a few pounds. I'm not saying anyone here is stating they would. But it does happen, and it seems rather shallow and pathetic to me. Especially when it happens with married couples, I guess for better or worse doesn't mean much to them. Its kind of odd though, I've met many who tolerate infidelity in a relationship but they can't tolerate obesity. They can forgive the affair, but they can't forgive the love handles. Just curious, what if you married a woman who weighed, say, 110lbs, and ten years later, she weighed 500lbs? I'm talking not able to sit in a normal chair, confined to bed, needing someone to bathe her, etc. Would you still find her as attractive? I'm not being sarcastic here, just wondering. There is a big difference between 'a few pounds' and 'a few hundred'. I personally wouldn't stay with a man if he cheated PERIOD. And I don't mind love handles. Now on the other hand, I have to be honest and say that I doubt I would stay with my SO if he were so large that he needed me to help bathe him and clean him after using the toilet everyday because he was too overweight to do so himself (I mean if it were not due to other health factors, only that he was not putting forth any effort to get healthy). I suppose that sounds shallow and I guess it really is----but I will also bet that there are a lot of others out there that are thinking the same thing, and won't admit to it.
Sal Paradise Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by goodnbad Just curious, what if you married a woman who weighed, say, 110lbs, and ten years later, she weighed 500lbs? I'm talking not able to sit in a normal chair, confined to bed, needing someone to bathe her, etc. Would you still find her as attractive? I'm not being sarcastic here, just wondering. There is a big difference between 'a few pounds' and 'a few hundred'. I personally wouldn't stay with a man if he cheated PERIOD. And I don't mind love handles. Now on the other hand, I have to be honest and say that I doubt I would stay with my SO if he were so large that he needed me to help bathe him and clean him after using the toilet everyday because he was too overweight to do so himself (I mean if it were not due to other health factors, only that he was not putting forth any effort to get healthy). I suppose that sounds shallow and I guess it really is----but I will also bet that there are a lot of others out there that are thinking the same thing, and won't admit to it. I wouldn't tolerate a cheater either, I don't give second chances when it comes to cheating. If I loved them, yes I probably would stay. I would try to get them to lose the weight. I would get them to seek medical help. A lot would depend on the circumstances of the weight gain. If they were unwilling to change their lifestyle then I would probably leave, thats addiction, and addiction isn't easy to live with. But I would do everything I could do to get them help before I would walk. Would I find them as attractive? Probably not, but thats going to happen anyways, as you grow older, you will both find each other less attractive. I see marriage as for better or worse, in sickness and health. I guess some people's vows should be....... For better or worse or until you become an inconvenience and or unattractive.......
goodnbad Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by Sal Paradise Would I find them as attractive? Probably not, but thats going to happen anyways, as you grow older, you will both find each other less attractive. I see marriage as for better or worse, in sickness and health. I guess some people's vows should be....... For better or worse or until you become an inconvenience and or unattractive....... (OK, yeah this will be a bit of a rant, so those who don't wanna read it, skip!) I don't think people necessarily become less attractive as they age, some actually look better. I don't mind gray hair or less hair, or wrinkles, etc. But I think severe overweight can be something entirely different. Some people believe that once you are married, you should be so until death do you part. I think that is asking a little much in some cases. It is idealism. Both of my sisters divorced due to abuse (alcoholism). Would that be inconvenience? They only took so much and that was that. End of story. Because they took vows in a church means they must live that life forever? Surely, one's own happiness has to take a part in whether one should remain married? We agree on one thing: I wouldn't just up and leave someone for their weight gain either. I would try to get them help. What they did with that helping hand is up to them. You can only go on for so long, though. Alcoholism and eating disorders are very similar addictions. They are difficult to control and often come with underlying mental disorders. Recovery is difficult for not only the sufferer but from their families as well. It doesn't, however, mean that people are required to put up with unlimited destruction of self because of someone else's disorder. It is understandable that sometimes people just can't cope with it anymore and move on. I think that in there are just some things that are over the limit. Having to watch someone slowly kill themselves by being severely overweight (and I mean severe, not just 50 pounds over or whatever) and that person not even caring that they are doing so.....being totally apathetic.....can be one of them. Being that overweight is more than just being fat, it is a sign of other issues, many of which can be poisonous to a normal relationship. I guess it all comes down to what you are comfortable with and what you can personally tolerate. We all have comfort limits. They are different for everyone.
Sal Paradise Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by goodnbad (OK, yeah this will be a bit of a rant, so those who don't wanna read it, skip!) I don't think people necessarily become less attractive as they age, some actually look better. I don't mind gray hair or less hair, or wrinkles, etc. But I think severe overweight can be something entirely different. Some people believe that once you are married, you should be so until death do you part. I think that is asking a little much in some cases. It is idealism. Both of my sisters divorced due to abuse (alcoholism). Would that be inconvenience? They only took so much and that was that. End of story. Because they took vows in a church means they must live that life forever? Surely, one's own happiness has to take a part in whether one should remain married? We agree on one thing: I wouldn't just up and leave someone for their weight gain either. I would try to get them help. What they did with that helping hand is up to them. You can only go on for so long, though. Alcoholism and eating disorders are very similar addictions. They are difficult to control and often come with underlying mental disorders. Recovery is difficult for not only the sufferer but from their families as well. It doesn't, however, mean that people are required to put up with unlimited destruction of self because of someone else's disorder. It is understandable that sometimes people just can't cope with it anymore and move on. I think that in there are just some things that are over the limit. Having to watch someone slowly kill themselves by being severely overweight (and I mean severe, not just 50 pounds over or whatever) and that person not even caring that they are doing so.....being totally apathetic.....can be one of them. Being that overweight is more than just being fat, it is a sign of other issues, many of which can be poisonous to a normal relationship. I guess it all comes down to what you are comfortable with and what you can personally tolerate. We all have comfort limits. They are different for everyone. You also originally used the extreme case, most people who become overweight in a relationship never get to the point of not being able to bathe themselves. Thats an extreme case. Like I said thats outright addiction mixed with extreme depression, I could understand leaving in that situation, if the person is unwilling to get help or at least try to change. I wasn't really talking about the extreme cases in my original post. Most of the time when you hear of someone bailing because of weight gain its usually less than a 100 pound weight gain, many times its less than 50. Big difference between the extreme case you used and what the norm is.
goodnbad Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Yes, agreed! Different people tolerate variable extremes. I think that when a person's weight affects their daily lives, it affects their families and sometimes it can be intolerable. Everyone deserves to be happy and shouldn't have to be a martyr forever. Now on the other hand, if someone is saying, well you gained 5 pounds, I'm outta here, that's a little strange.
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