Im starting to think timing might be against us

[babsr]

Hey LS,

 

My boyfriend and I have together for about 2.5 years now. He is my best friend and I love him and feel so loved by him. I can definitely see myself being with him for a very long time. The one issue is timing. It has never been on our side but now i'm getting confused about everything.

 

I am just starting my professional career, and worked really hard in school to get a job at a great company. I want to find an apartment and really start living. He took a lot of time off after college and while he is thinking of going to med school, he would have to do about 2 years worth of college level courses to be able to apply.

 

Something I am thinking is that by the time he finishes these 2 years, and then finishes school, it will be about 4 - 6 years. And that is a long time to wait. I want to eventually get engaged and think about having a family. He has told me that he wants to be with me forever, but he says he is not ready to get married. I do not want to get engaged right now, but it is something I want within the next year or two.

 

What do I do if he doesn't want this for another 5 years? I know I don't want to be with anyone else, but I am not sure what to do. It feels like we might be going on separate paths.

 

Thank you for any feedback you can give me!!

[Redhead14]

Hey LS,

 

My boyfriend and I have together for about 2.5 years now. He is my best friend and I love him and feel so loved by him. I can definitely see myself being with him for a very long time. The one issue is timing. It has never been on our side but now i'm getting confused about everything.

 

I am just starting my professional career, and worked really hard in school to get a job at a great company. I want to find an apartment and really start living. He took a lot of time off after college and while he is thinking of going to med school, he would have to do about 2 years worth of college level courses to be able to apply.

 

Something I am thinking is that by the time he finishes these 2 years, and then finishes school, it will be about 4 - 6 years. And that is a long time to wait. I want to eventually get engaged and think about having a family. He has told me that he wants to be with me forever, but he says he is not ready to get married. I do not want to get engaged right now, but it is something I want within the next year or two.

 

What do I do if he doesn't want this for another 5 years? I know I don't want to be with anyone else, but I am not sure what to do. It feels like we might be going on separate paths.

 

Thank you for any feedback you can give me!!

 

I want to find an apartment and really start living -- and that's what you should do. And, while you're really living, see what if anything changes for you with the relationship. You may find that you are perfectly OK with being single and change your vision for your future. If you're happy with your boyfriend and looking to get engaged in two years, ride it out for those two years and then see where he's at.

 

What do I do if he doesn't want this for another 5 years? First, find out when he's looking to get engaged, if he is.

 

And, to me, being engaged doesn't really change things too much in terms of timing. I mean, he can ask you to get married and be engaged, but plan for the wedding after he graduates.

 

If he wants to be with you forever, engagement is the first step towards that end.

 

You need to ask him when he wants to be engaged and then how long before marriage.

[Myragal]

An aside. As an RN I don't know of any med students ( I've known swarms of them) who took a few years off, returned to college then assumed they would get accepted into Med School. It may happen but rare. Most are high achievers who dedicated themselves from late teens to their studies...or enter Med school from another health related profession.

 

To the issue. You have doubts. You want to be married but...conditions. Not a good basis to start 'forever'. He will feel stifled if not 2 years from now...then 5.

You are setting yourself up some resentment down the road.

 

Leave him? Then what? Perhaps meet and marry a guy in 3 years? Perhaps not. Then 5 years? 10? Women who 'want to be married' usually do then find themselves single mothers in a decade. We want to be in a healthy, thriving relationship whether it is marriage or not.

[kismetkismet]

Why do you want to be married within that time frame? Why doesn't he want to be married within that time frame?

 

It's really important sometimes to look at WHY we want these things. Is it because you are ready to start a family and you need that commitment from him, or is it just because that is what you always saw as the successful progression.. ticking off the boxes of what you think people want you to do. Doing anything for external or status reasons is never a good motivation.

 

But that doesn't mean you should have to wait for ages if you genuinely want to be married.. has he said that he wants to marry you, but just wants to wait to be more stable? Or has he just not made up his mind about things?

[GunslingerRoland]

An aside. As an RN I don't know of any med students ( I've known swarms of them) who took a few years off, returned to college then assumed they would get accepted into Med School. It may happen but rare. Most are high achievers who dedicated themselves from late teens to their studies...or enter Med school from another health related profession.

 

 

 

This.

 

 

It sounds really fishy to me, is he the type of person that talks a big game about future plans but doesn't follow through? Because like myragal said, medical school is no joke, and most of the people who go through a long grueling program are very dedicated to school and would never think of taking a few years off before even starting. Unless there are extenuating circumstances you didn't mention.

 

 

If he is the type of person who talks about grandiose plans in the future, but never follows through with even the basics of them, don't be surprised if that happens in your relationship too. We'll get married and have 26 kids, and live together forever.... but no not yet.

[Buddhist]

What do I do if he doesn't want this for another 5 years? I know I don't want to be with anyone else, but I am not sure what to do. It feels like we might be going on separate paths.

 

Thank you for any feedback you can give me!!

 

If you don't want to be with anyone else then you realise that things happening on your timeline is just something you'll have to let go of and wait. Seriously, finding a partner you consider you would be able to spend your entire life with is rare. So rare in fact that I don't like your chances of finding it again in the next 5yrs or so should you decide to look elsewhere.

 

Let go of this idea that everything has to happen on a certain schedule. Focus on your career and getting that apartment and leave the future well enough alone. It will happen in it's own time.

[kismetkismet]

This.

 

 

It sounds really fishy to me, is he the type of person that talks a big game about future plans but doesn't follow through? Because like myragal said, medical school is no joke, and most of the people who go through a long grueling program are very dedicated to school and would never think of taking a few years off before even starting. Unless there are extenuating circumstances you didn't mention.

 

 

If he is the type of person who talks about grandiose plans in the future, but never follows through with even the basics of them, don't be surprised if that happens in your relationship too. We'll get married and have 26 kids, and live together forever.... but no not yet.

 

This is a very good point. I re read your post and it doesn't really seem to be just about marriage in and of itself. It seems like you are in a stead forward moving path in your life. You are setting goals and achieving them. You are clear about what you want. Whereas he seems to be sort of.. drifting and unsure. He makes grand plans, but doesn't do anything about them.. the fact that it's med school in particular is kind of a red flag.. that's not something you faff about with.

 

There's not necessarily anything WRONG with taking some time to figure out what you want. But it's possibly you two have different approaches to life and different levels of ambition and follow through over all. It might not just be about 'timing' but about your ability to set realistic goals and follow through. When two people are widely different in that respect it can create a lot of resentment and struggle in a relationship.

 

How old are you two just out of curiosity?

[introverted1]

An aside. As an RN I don't know of any med students ( I've known swarms of them) who took a few years off, returned to college then assumed they would get accepted into Med School. It may happen but rare. Most are high achievers who dedicated themselves from late teens to their studies...or enter Med school from another health related profession..

 

I will third this but also say that, if he is committed to becoming an MD, it is not out of the question. Medical school is 4 years plus 2-6 years for residency (depending on the speciality he selects). That said, many people do get married while in school, so his decision to go to medical school is not a show stopped in and of itself.

 

The real issues are whether he wants to be married to you and, if so, whether it's on a timetable you find acceptable or can compromise on. If so, how would you feel about being the primary bread-winner for at least the next 6 years and possibly longer (residents don't earn much)?

 

Time for a talk, I think.

[sandylee1]

I had a similar situation years ago.. my BF wanted to marry me...but I was finished with studies and he wasn't. It was going to be another 5 years till he was in a position to settle and I wasn't prepared to wait as much as he was a wonderful guy.

 

I had to end it... as he was in love with me and I refused to let myself love him because of the situation.... but I was scared to love him so much and be torn.

 

I had to let him go.

 

I also dated a guy who has these career dreams that I felt were unrealistic and I didn't want those pipe dreams to be my life....and I'm not very tolerant with unrealistic ideas.

[babsr]

Thank you so much for your feedback!

 

It is not so much that I am on a schedule for my life, but I want to move forward (again within a year or two) to settling down with him. I want to have children and I want to be married before I do that so I see marriage as a logical next step. But I think you are right - I definitely need to have a conversation with him about what I want. I know he said he is not ready for marriage yet, and neither am I, but I want him to start thinking about this as a possibility for the future and know that this is something I am thinking about.

 

And he is not the type of person to have lofty goals or make statements and not follow through. He is just had a harder time deciding what he wants in terms of work. He has never been unsure or flaky with me whatsoever. And he has not been sitting around and doing nothing either - he has been working in jobs that will help his application and volunteering.

 

And I think you are right that it is important to keep in mind how rare it is to find someone you can see spending your life with. And I definitely do not take this for granted. It is just hard when I seem to have the career part figured out and he is just starting down the path. It definitely complicates things.

[casey.lives]

okay....i say: get YOUR OWN place and start there.