kkat Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 My ex-MM and I continue to have some limited contact by phone and occasionally he drops things off at my apartment; I rarely, if ever see him. Sometimes I feel good having the contact, sometimes I want to go back to the absolute zero contact I was having a few weeks ago. For some reason last night I was looking through my Outlook/calendar for something and ended up reading the little notes I have from the past 2 years of my relationship with him. I got very angry. One of the notes was from once where he called me on his way out of town for a getaway with his wife. She was waiting for him outside and he called me to tell me he loved me and promise that he was going to find a way to move forward with the divorce. I feel so disgusted with myself having read that. Talk about getaway - how could I have let him get away with that? So today I am feeling angry and upset; I read two years of this junk and am feeling bad. Also have managed to gain 2 pounds on the South Beach Diet...that's not helping my attitude either!
st8toftheheart Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Well everyone makes mistakes. You can't swell on them. You have to surround yoursefl with people who will help you move on not drag you back. The most important things is that you learn from your mistake and not repeat it. I would really think about cutting off contact with him completely, especially if it dredging up the past for you again. Ad for the diet. I haven't been on that one, but they say the Atkins diet is similar. You have to be really careful about those hidden carbs. So I never bought any packags stuff and made everything from scratch for a few weeks to be on the safe side. Good luck to you.
Author kkat Posted May 30, 2005 Author Posted May 30, 2005 Thank you ST8. Good advice on both fronts. I think for me it's that I would really like to forgive him and have him in my life - IF IF IF that would not be painful for me. I see the good in him, along with the bad, and some days I see more of one than the other. I swing wildly from one place to another - one day so angry I want him to suffer; the next day feeling forgiveness, temporarily, and compassion for him and his pathetic state. I think one key for me might be that I have told him many things that would make a difference to me - things that would help me be more forgiving. He feels he has done these things or the best he can; I don't see it that way. Maybe the simple thing for me to do is to reestablish those things as my boundaries - that if he is willing and able to do those things I will invest in trying to have some friendship with him. If not, no dice. I don't want to make deals with myself to stay in contact with him if it's best for me to not be in contact. I am feeling confused about something that seems like it should be so clear.... It's so much easier when it's someone else's situation I'm trying to help with What think?
DesertDweller Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Hi kkat. I've read your responses to other posts, and you are good at giving advice. Compassionate, too! So I'll try to return the favor. Why don't you try limiting the amount of time you are allowed to feel bad about him? Maybe a half hour in the morning. Set a timer. When time is up, it's up. Every time he pops into your head, you have to replace his image with another, positive image. (I read this somewhere.) Choose a few places/activities/people that bring you joy and think of those instead. I was recently told that stress does more damage to a woman's body than it does to a man's. Do you really want to give him that kind of power over you? To let him destroy your health and give you wrinkles? As for that diet--I was on the Body for Life plan. I actually lost a size or two. But it's demanding. You have to exercise five or six days a week and eat only healthy food (except on Sundays, then it's a free-for-all). How about taking your dog for a walk? Or two. Take vitamins--I like the Olay vitamin packets that are supposed to fight aging. Think positive! Yes, it sound flippant, but it can work. We really are simple creatures and we can learn to control our negative thoughts.
Author kkat Posted May 30, 2005 Author Posted May 30, 2005 DesertDweller, Thanks so much for your helpful and encouraging post. I really appreciate it. You know, I help people solve their issues and problems professionally, but it doesn't make it simple when it comes to my own issues. That's one reason I find this forum so helpful. I am going to commit to the ideas you outlined - I really like the idea of limiting the negative thoughts to a specific amount of time. The last time this man broke my heart, I suffered some relatively serious, and diagnosed medical problems as a result of the stress, sleep deprivation, etc. I promised myself several months ago when I realized I was living in the same zone again that I wouldn't do that with him, or in fact, over any other relationship again. I have improved so much - both in how I am handling this relationship and the way I handle others (friendships, etc.) - so I am going to focus on the positive (what's improved) and dust myself off again to keep working to minimize/eliminate the negative. I just came back from sitting in the park in the sun with my dog and the newspaper. That's the way I want to live my life - not crying and angry over another person's issues and betrayals! Thanks for your encouragement! I especially appreciate that our community here doesn't ride one another when we have a slip or a bad day - it's important to forgive ourselves I think and just be willing to "try again tomorrow!" Kkat
st8toftheheart Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Originally posted by kkat I swing wildly from one place to another - one day so angry I want him to suffer; the next day feeling forgiveness, temporarily, and compassion for him and his pathetic state. That says alot. Sounds like the relationship itself had alot of ups and downs. I think you need to step back and get a new perspective on things because the breakup sound the same as the relationship, so some healing needs to begin. I think one key for me might be that I have told him many things that would make a difference to me - things that would help me be more forgiving. He feels he has done these things or the best he can; I don't see it that way. When a relationship is crisis, with one that you really want to keep, then a person will do anything they can to save it. If the doctor said you will die in 6 months if you don't stop drinking, I'm sure that the majority of people will throw away the bottle no matter how many times they have tried before only to go back because it was too hard. So for him to say that he feels he done what you've asked of him and that its still unacceptable, and then was willing end the relationship, well, to me that speaks volumes. I think you definitely need to seek what your boundaries are and ensure that they are understood. But not necessarily for him. I don't want to make deals with myself to stay in contact with him if it's best for me to not be in contact. I am feeling confused about something that seems like it should be so clear.... bargaining is part of the grieving process. So its normal that you feel this. However, your life and happiness should never be bargained. Think of that. You're alone now, which amplifies people insecurities, but there will come a time where you'll be happy again, and happy that you didn't bargain your happiness. It's so much easier when it's someone else's situation I'm trying to help with Always is my dear.
SexKitten Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 so stop having contact with him all together. if he has stuff to drop off at your place, have him bring it all at once and say good-bye. erase your notes from him. it's over anyway, why hang on to all this baggage if you're feeling angry and ashamed about it?
MiChick43 Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 I think you needed to read those things. Getting angry should only make you realize that moving on with your life without this guy is what you should be doing. We all allow people we care about, especially the ones we love, to get away with things and then later we thing.....what the? the no contact thing gets easier and each passing day you stop thinking about that person as much. I still have what if questions, once inawhile, about my ex b/f. He had some great qualities. But he cheated and he lied. There are some great single men out there that, Im positive, would treat you like a princess. When you are ready. Huggles
Author kkat Posted May 30, 2005 Author Posted May 30, 2005 Thanks for the reinforcement, which is what I think I am looking for. By the way, the things he drops off at my apartment aren't things he's returning - they are gifts. He brings me gifts and drops them off in my lobby, without notice, frequently - sometimes several times a week. Not that this is relevant, just clarifying from my unclear post on this.
DesertDweller Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 I'm joking--I hope. But the MM I was emotionally involved with is always dropping stuff off on my porch--particularly supplies for my business. He used to bring more personal things, but that has stopped. I'm going to go post this as a new topic: MM and Gifts.
notrust Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 kkat Have you read "The Purpose Driven Life"? I am in the process of reading that now and it has helped me more than anything else these past few weeks. I have been in NC since March 11th. I was involved with my exMM for 5 years. I have gained perspective on my life from the book and it gives me a sense of peace every evening when I read my chapter for the day. I live in a very small community and the fallout from the discovery of the affair has been traumatic. It has affected every aspect of my life so I have needed any help I could get and this book has been my biggest boost. Everyday that goes by, I see exMM for what he really was all along. I still have moments where I have bad and angry thoughts about and toward him, but the book has taught me how to deal with those times. Although I still take backward steps now and again, I am making forward progress overall. Take a look at the book if you haven't already done so. Good luck and hang in there girl! I will keep you in my thoughts. notrust
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