Do not try and be friends with someone who broke up with you.

[Silver_star]

Do not try and be friends with someone who broke up with you.

It is totally demeaning. I thought I could do it and be mature and eventually down the line when the heartache wore off and I was onto someone new I would respect him enough to be his friend from afar and be happy for him. Not going to happen!

 

 

So he dumped me, wanted to be friends and I was open to it but told him I need some time to process the pain and all that first. He said of course and pretended to be understanding, less than a week later he was contacting me with casual banter. I kept telling him I need time. The most he has given me is 10 days. We broke up in late September. He is some kind of emotionless robot.

 

 

Now he contact me "Hey there buddy". Like is he actually that stupid or is he trying to be mean? Doesn't that seem pretty moronic to send your Ex GIRLFRIEND a "buddy" text? What is going through his head??

I was never his buddy. What the actual F? Deleted him on everything and am just pissed I thought he could be my friend. If he cared about me at all he wouldn't do this.

[mountains]

Sounds like he is doing it to maybe make himself feel better about dumping you, so he can say well hey we are still friends. Don't know your story. Maybe he actually does want to be friends now but regardless you aren't ready and may never be. I have never stayed in contact with my exes because it was easier than staying in contact.

[Silver_star]

I took the break up reasonably well to his face, and I sulk and complain in private (or on here), and told him he is free to do what he wants and I wont stand in the way. If I cant make him happy, go find happiness then. I truly cared about him. I still care, but I am just so upset that he obviously doesn't care about my feelings whatsoever.

 

 

 

 

It seems cold, and unnecessary to call a female "buddy" after you had once had a romantic relationship not long ago. I mean I get it...you don't have feelings for me, can you stop rubbing it in my face that you don't even see me as a sexual being? Saying buddy is equivalent to saying "Hey there girl that never meant anything to me".

[Amelie1980]

The thing is, exes take time to become friends. As first, they are simply not friends because we feel differently about them. That's the stage you're at.

 

In time, you won't care. At that point, pick the friendship back up and carry in taking advantage of who he is within that friendship, and he will do the same to you I'm sure.

 

But for now, draw a big thick line between you and he and honor it. Let time pass.

[Silver_star]

The thing is, exes take time to become friends. As first, they are simply not friends because we feel differently about them. That's the stage you're at.

 

In time, you won't care. At that point, pick the friendship back up and carry in taking advantage of who he is within that friendship, and he will do the same to you I'm sure.

 

But for now, draw a big thick line between you and he and honor it. Let time pass.

 

 

 

 

I completely get that. That's what I was trying to accomplish. I never spoke to him or tried to blur the lines. I said I needed space, multiple times. HE is the one who won't honor my wishes. And by not honoring the line he is ruining chances at a future friendship because I only see him as a cruel dunce that hurt me and wont let me move on because he is selfish right now. Just losing respect for him I once had I guess. I deleted him now on Social Media so he should get that. By the time I am over it, I wont want him as a friend anyways.

[Amelie1980]

I completely get that. That's what I was trying to accomplish. I never spoke to him or tried to blur the lines. I said I needed space, multiple times. HE is the one who won't honor my wishes. And by not honoring the line he is ruining chances at a future friendship because I only see him as a cruel dunce that hurt me and wont let me move on because he is selfish right now. Just losing respect for him I once had I guess. I deleted him now on Social Media so he should get that. By the time I am over it, I wont want him as a friend anyways.

 

He doesnt sound like much of a friend in that case.

 

Was he the one who was fwb?

[Silver_star]

No. He was the one who I had a long term relationship with and he broke up with me in September because he "lost feelings" for me, which translates loosely too he wants to see other people.

 

I really don't want to be back in a relationship with him, and so I thought I could therefore have a friendship later, but I can't be his friend right now because he still hurt me, and despite me not wanting to reconcile I still care about him and I still am grieving our old relationship.

[Silver_star]

I just don't see why he would find it appropriate to act as though nothing ever happened between us.

 

 

I find it very hurtful. I have been very good to him about everything!

[Amelie1980]

I just don't see why he would find it appropriate to act as though nothing ever happened between us.

 

 

I find it very hurtful. I have been very good to him about everything!

 

I do....to keep you on the back burner.

 

He is hedging his bets.

[Silver_star]

He can bet that I wont be a friend to him if he keeps calling me buddy.

[Mrlovahlovah]

I'm totally backing you up on the buddy thing.

you could write it off as just childish, pathetic behaviour but for me these small things speak volumes about people sometimes.

 

his emotional intelligence is sub-par. it could be that he actually does view you as a "buddy" now and just lacks the class to not throw it in your face, especially after you specifically asked him to. on the other hand this could be some sort of reverse psychology, and he's actually still got some feelings for you and trying to deal with them by boosting his ego on your expense.

 

either way really, not worth your time, or friendship.

[Wewon]

 

Now he contact me "Hey there buddy". Like is he actually that stupid or is he trying to be mean? Doesn't that seem pretty moronic to send your Ex GIRLFRIEND a "buddy" text? What is going through his head??

I was never his buddy. What the actual F? Deleted him on everything and am just pissed I thought he could be my friend. If he cared about me at all he wouldn't do this.

 

And this is why I'm not a big fan of the friends with an ex thing.

 

The "buddy" thing is passive-aggressive at best and I suspect its an attempt to put one in their place. If you confront him he will surely play dumb.

 

I would just cut contact.

[xuanqi1988]

From experience, I think he is doing so to ease the guilt thats killing him inside for being the dumper. I think its the nature of human beings to try and make ourselves feel better by justifying ourselves when weve hurt someone else's feelings. So now if you don't want to be friends, he can be like "fine, it's not like I wasn't there for you".

I just want to say I really appreciate how well you've handled the break up. I wish I could do the same. I can hardly sense any hatred after he dumped you for his "freedom".Ex was the dumper who did not intend to stay in contact after break up, but I kept trying until he gave me a "closure". I wish I could just be like you and walk away.

[Silver_star]

From experience, I think he is doing so to ease the guilt thats killing him inside for being the dumper. I think its the nature of human beings to try and make ourselves feel better by justifying ourselves when weve hurt someone else's feelings. So now if you don't want to be friends, he can be like "fine, it's not like I wasn't there for you".

I just want to say I really appreciate how well you've handled the break up. I wish I could do the same. I can hardly sense any hatred after he dumped you for his "freedom".Ex was the dumper who did not intend to stay in contact after break up, but I kept trying until he gave me a "closure". I wish I could just be like you and walk away.

 

 

 

Why would calling me "buddy" help him ease his guilt, it seems like it is just to be rude...or do you think he is truly just trying to sweep our entire past under the rug?

 

 

Oh, and I tried to get answers for him for 3 weeks after he broke up with me, and I got nowhere. So I walked away and accepted it, and that's when he sent me some mixed signals about how "confused" he was and all that garbage. All it means is he wanted someone else, and wasn't sure if that was going to work out so didn't want to NOT have someone to come back to. Some people need to learn how to deal with themselves and loving themselves before trying to be with another person.

[xuanqi1988]

Why would calling me "buddy" help him ease his guilt, it seems like it is just to be rude...or do you think he is truly just trying to sweep our entire past under the rug?

 

 

Oh, and I tried to get answers for him for 3 weeks after he broke up with me, and I got nowhere. So I walked away and accepted it, and that's when he sent me some mixed signals about how "confused" he was and all that garbage. All it means is he wanted someone else, and wasn't sure if that was going to work out so didn't want to NOT have someone to come back to. Some people need to learn how to deal with themselves and loving themselves before trying to be with another person.

 

A guy i was briefly dating did the same thing to me. The day before he was calling me by cute nicknames, and the next day I was a "mate" . But it must be a lot more painful after a long term serious relationship. In my case I found out he started seeing someone else when he started calling me that, so if you assume he is doing the same thing, it does make sense. He just sounds like an inempathetic douchbag at this point.

I realized people, especially guys, get bored easily in a relationship, especially if they are inexperienced. One day they wake up and realize they want to have their options open and see what's out there.

I have a friend who dated a girl for 3 years before he dumped her because he wanted to sleep with other women without commitment. He moved to another country for her which means he must have loved her a lot. But guys change their mind so rapidly. And they can be a lot more confused than us when young and immature. The truth is, you dont want to stay with a confused guy who isn't sure if he wants you or not. I just broke up with someone like that, and he just made me feel unlovable.

I am saying this from an outsider perspective though, and I really admire how mature you are approaching this situation, with little emotions attached to the way you described the situation.

 

Trust me, break ups are not easy because either way it hurts. If he just cut off contact and disappeared off the face of earth you may have felt the same way, that the past is swept off because he doesn't even acknowledge your existence.

[Silver_star]

yes it is just not classy at all. If he is seeing someone else, good for him, but why reach out to me at all. I am not interrupting that. I am not stalking him or liking **** on his Social media (I cant anymore anyways). I have left him to go find happiness...so why does he have to be a dick about it.

 

 

I would actually he rather have fallen off the face of the earth. haha. At least for a couple years.

[bitterlemon]

Hey silver_star hello again! Saw your post and wanted to share my thoughts.

 

Some back story first... In fact before my ex and I officially broke up, he had told me he was confused about us, but at that time he had just came back from a long trip and had to stay at my place (which is really just a room) for 10 days. We were sharing the same bed and still very much behaving like a couple, yet he had switched from calling me his "love" to "friend". Eventually I simply stated that if he doesn't want to be together anymore, then we should end it. We did but he honestly wanted to stay friends. I told him I couldn't just go from gf to friend in a day and he was devastated. It was very emotional but as calmly as I could manage I told him I would need all the time I needed to get over him, and perhaps one day we could actually be friends again, or not.

 

I think for some guys, and girls too, it is easier to let go slowly, I guess especially for the dampers, like they'd rather keep you around until they find someone better and then they'll just stop being the "good friend". Also could be out of guilt that they want to be with you to hold your hand through the letting go process, ironic yes, but they feel like they have some kind of responsibility towards you since they're the ones who gave up on you. From their perspectives this is almost noble, but I think it is just selfish. Even as the dumper they need to heal, and they want to use you for that as well.

 

I do not believe in friendship after a relationship, unless both of you have found someone much more suitable and are both very happy with your separate lives, but still it would be rather awkward to the current partners imo. You've been through too much together and there is just no going back to pure friendship.

 

Ignore him, it is not your responsibility to take care of his emotions or keep him entertained anymore. You're not his cushion to fall back on or the BFF who would always be around to hang out when he's bored.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Wow, such negative Nellys!

 

Well, I for one have always remained at least friendly with all my ex's and friends with most of them including my ex husband. After the prescribed healing/cooling off period of course.

 

It helps that I never dated anyone who was a horrible waste of space so making nice after the fact has never been a serious stretch.

 

C'est la vie.

[Wewon]

Wow, such negative Nellys!

 

Well, I for one have always remained at least friendly with all my ex's and friends with most of them including my ex husband. After the prescribed healing/cooling off period of course.

 

It helps that I never dated anyone who was a horrible waste of space so making nice after the fact has never been a serious stretch.

 

C'est la vie.

 

I don't think that the OP did that.

 

Most people make the mistake of going from each other's bed and the next week trying to catch a game.

[Silver_star]

Wow, such negative Nellys!

 

Well, I for one have always remained at least friendly with all my ex's and friends with most of them including my ex husband. After the prescribed healing/cooling off period of course.

 

It helps that I never dated anyone who was a horrible waste of space so making nice after the fact has never been a serious stretch.

 

C'est la vie.

 

There was no cooling off period. I made that point above that he didn't give me the space I needed and wanted to jump into being friends right away.

He wasn't a horrible waste of space, but he is not handling this very fairly right now and it's ruining chances of friendship down the line.

I don't see how ignoring the relationship you shared right after it happens is healthy for either party.

[Blanco]

After the prescribed healing/cooling off period of course.

 

And this is the key. Unless you're both pod people, you need time apart to let things breathe; to reset how you see each other.

 

I'm friends with one ex. It took a couple years of limited contact and awkwardness to finally find a groove. My last ex cannot understand why I don't want to be her friend right now. We broke up earlier this year, but she started another relationship not long after. I was devastated, because I had to deal with not only the fallout of losing my family, but also her seeing someone new. I thought by going NC, I was doing what was best for everyone. Give me the chance to heal and give her the space for this new relationship, while respecting this guy's space for the relationship, too.

 

But she doesn't get it and she's made it clear that she considers my silence/absence mistreatment toward her. As if I'm playing a game and not just trying to recover from the most devastating happenings of my adult life.

[Michelle ma Belle]

There was no cooling off period. I made that point above that he didn't give me the space I needed and wanted to jump into being friends right away.

He wasn't a horrible waste of space, but he is not handling this very fairly right now and it's ruining chances of friendship down the line.

I don't see how ignoring the relationship you shared right after it happens is healthy for either party.

 

How long were you dating?

[Silver_star]

We were together for 8 months. In those 8 months we had an intense romantic relationship. We were in each others lives every single day for 8 months.

We knew each other for maybe a week before we started dating. So, you can see why I need my space from him before I can be his friend. I don't know him any other way. His whole " Hey there buddy" to me is just a slap in the face to what we had.

[MayorChapstick]

Hi Silver Star. I was about to start a new thread with nearly the exact same title when I spotted yours. You're absolutely right! I am going through the same thing right now. My ex bf would not back off after he dumped me..he insisted that we be friends after we ran into each other accidentally (yes, it was an accident!) about 6 weeks after the break up (his reasons for the break up were - I'm not ready to get married..apparently that translates to breaking up even though I wasn't pushing for marriage).

 

Well..sadly being friends turned into FWB, which turned into getting back together. But it wasn't really getting back together because nothing had changed. So...we split again. Again he insisted on friendship when I wasn't ready. Same thing happened.

 

He kept getting my hopes up over and over again until I finally wised up and cut him off. He STILL tries to contact me..telling me he misses me...etc. I told him to eff off and blocked him.

 

Please..I implore you..do NOT make the same mistakes I've made. I wasted years on this guy thinking he'd come back to me.

[marky00]

Yeh this is tough.

 

By offering friendship, ie by calling u buddy he is trying to be decent with you on some level to ease some of his guilt.

 

I really just don't get the friends with Ex's thing.

 

My Ex broke up with me in such a horrible way, I could never be her friend. I treated her well, looked after her like a sister sometimes... she knows this so she leaves me alone (i.e. no breadcrumbs).

 

The reason why i cant be her friend is that the damage done can only be repaired by a reconciliation because friendship wouldnt allow a deep enough emotional level to work and overcome that hurt and the past.

 

Even if one day I get over her, why would I want to be freinds with someone who basically told me to get out of their life. Who knows maybe they will become a "fake friend". Hmmm no thanks.