Best Friend has cut me out of her life without any explanation and I'm concerned

[SalientPoint]

Basically I’ve been best friends with this girl for about a year (we are both women). We are both expats living in a different country than where we are from. She was with her gf for five years and they were basically married (not legally though). They lived together, had a business together, worked together and moved to the current country from their own country. My friend opened up the relationship because she was in her early 30’s and had never experienced another woman/relationship before and was from a homophobic country even though she is a definitely a lesbian. The gf wasn’t thrilled about it, but gave it the ok, though it turned into this weird don’t ask/don’t tell situation and was never discussed between them, though I understood this for various reasons.

 

So friend and I dated for about 6 months, I fell in love with her, and then friend wanted to end a lot of the romantic aspects between us because she felt guilty about her gf and thought she should focus on her even though it was given the ok technically. This sucked for me, but we were truly also good friends, so I stuck around even though it was hard. About a month or two ago her gf let her know she wasn’t exactly happy in the relationship for general reasons such as she thought they’d grown apart, she didn’t like where we all live, (nothing to do with me) ect. Friend got depressed, and I tried to help her through it even though it was hard for me to see her pining over someone else while I pined over her. Lord knows I’ve been through tons of break ups, so I know how hard it had to be for her this being her only relationship ever. My friend kind of got over it and things seemed to get better.

 

Fast forward after 4 months, my friend had worked through a lot of her internal issues and we started dating again, as my friend had always made it clear she still had feelings for me, she just didn’t want to act on them. Things were good until last week, when friend completely and totally falls off the planet. She turned her phone off for almost two days and that is totally and completely unlike her. We talk everyday, multiple times a day (unless we were in some kind of argument/fight) even if we’re in different countries/continents. She had also been sick recently so of course I freaked out. After the days were up I get a text just basically saying “I’m sorry. It’s not you. I just need to be alone.” no explanation. nada zilch. She has been keeping her phone off, only occasionally turning it on. I would send her like one or two texts a day just making sure she was ok, and telling her I’m here if she needed anything and now it seems she’s blocked me on whattsap and everything else. I’m 95% certain that her gf has broken up with her, as there are a few signs that’s what happened, but she won’t speak to me, so obviously I don’t know for sure.

 

so my question is, I’m normally very good at giving people space or going no contact when they request it or start ghosting me. But as she’s my best friend, I also know her and while she’s not necessarily suicidal, I think there have been times she’s come close and she is the type of person that would not give off a lot of warning signs before doing something crazy. She’d probably just do it. She also said that if they broke up she’d just go back to her home country, and I could also see her doing this without a lot of warning. She is not close with a lot of other people and if she is completely cutting me out of her life atm I’m pretty sure she’s not talking to anyone else about whatever is going on. She was also already planning to be alone during the holidays as her gf was going back home and she was planning to work. I’m flying home next week so she will REALLY be alone even though she’s refusing to see/talk to me now. Since I’m going home, time is also kind of ticking to where I can even make sure she is ok.

 

So do I push it and go to see her and at least make her tell me to **** off in person? Do I send her one more message? Do I have any right to be upset that she totally cut me out of her life after all we’ve shared this past year without any explanation whatsoever or does that just make me a selfish bitch?

I don’t really know what to do.

[winny]

You are worrying too much. She is an adult and let her be alone if she wants to.

[Standard-Fare]

First, she's not your "best friend." She's an off-and-on romantic partner who you are in love with. The friendship is a distant second to that.

 

What you didn't make clear is -- when you two started dating the second time, she was still with her original GF? So it was still part of their "open relationship"?

 

Unfortunately you're just in the weakest position of this triangle. This girl has always, always been more invested in her original GF than she has been in you. And it seems that she only resumed the relationship with you because her other relationship was in tatters and she needed a support system.

 

As for her current silence, I'm sure your guess is good that it involves some kind of high drama with her original GF (whether or not that's an official breakup).

 

Easier said than done, but I think you need to stop bringing yourself pain through this entanglement. It is so wrenching to be in love with someone who floats in and out of your life as they please, and is capable of true coldness to you.

 

She's giving you ice right now, so give her ice in return. You've already checked in on her several times. Stop that now. Remain out of contact. Only give her the time of day again if she proves herself capable of showing you genuine compassion.

[preraph]

I agree with the above poster. She dated you, she decided she wasn't feeling romantic and went back to being friends. Then she dated you very briefly again giving it a shot and wasn't feeling it, and now she's sure. Plus she has that other deeper relationship. She probably knows you can't be satisfied being just friends or doesn't want that pressure. Either she needs a lot more space and just occasional contact or she's gone "no contact" to break it off neatly. Only time will tell, but you need to stop looking up excuses to keep contacting her and stop contacting her and see if she shows back up or not. But if she does, it won't be romantically. She's not feeling it.

[winny]

Its amazing how much time we spend worrying about those to whom we don't matter much.....

[whichwayisup]

After the days were up I get a text just basically saying “I’m sorry. It’s not you. I just need to be alone.” no explanation.

 

If you care for her and want the best for her then please respect her wishes and give her the time and space that she's asked for.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[SalientPoint]

First, she's not your "best friend." She's an off-and-on romantic partner who you are in love with. The friendship is a distant second to that.

 

What you didn't make clear is -- when you two started dating the second time, she was still with her original GF? So it was still part of their "open relationship"?

 

Unfortunately you're just in the weakest position of this triangle. This girl has always, always been more invested in her original GF than she has been in you. And it seems that she only resumed the relationship with you because her other relationship was in tatters and she needed a support system.

 

As for her current silence, I'm sure your guess is good that it involves some kind of high drama with her original GF (whether or not that's an official breakup).

 

Easier said than done, but I think you need to stop bringing yourself pain through this entanglement. It is so wrenching to be in love with someone who floats in and out of your life as they please, and is capable of true coldness to you.

 

She's giving you ice right now, so give her ice in return. You've already checked in on her several times. Stop that now. Remain out of contact. Only give her the time of day again if she proves herself capable of showing you genuine compassion.

 

Thanks so much for all the responses including yours. I feel that has really set me straight which I greatly appreciate. Yes, I mean, basically it was like some weird good friend/romantic combo from the get go. She "CLAIMS" that she was able to compartmentalize her feelings during a 4 month period where we were strictly platonic, to where she still loved me, but we were truly only friends that period and then started dating again the last month. Knowing her as well as I thought I did, I think she really did love me but due to her culture and situation I kind of understand her reasoning about our relationship/friendship, but at the end of the day everything you said was correct. Her gf was always the top priority overall (even though she did prioritize me plenty of times throughout the last year), and I never expected/wanted/made her choose but the choice was obvious in the end. Even though I don't know what's going on, like you said, I can guess, so yeah, I should let it go. Thanks for pointing out what I guess should have been obvious

[SalientPoint]

Its amazing how much time we spend worrying about those to whom we don't matter much.....

 

This is so true. I wish I knew the reason for this.

[Standard-Fare]

If you were to give this woman an extremely generous benefit of the doubt - you could speculate that she's pushing you away because she realizes it's not fair for you to act as her comfort and support while she's going through drama with/pining for the girlfriend she prioritizes above you.

 

However, I think that's giving her too much credit. Even if she's wallowing in depression right now, it's extremely self-centered and callous of her to just cut you off cold like this. It wouldn't break her back to give you some real communication about what's going on. The two of you are supposedly dating.

 

I think chances are high she'll be circling back into your life at some point. But as long as her head and heart are still tangled up with this other woman, it's not healthy for you to be involved.

[SalientPoint]

If you were to give this woman an extremely generous benefit of the doubt - you could speculate that she's pushing you away because she realizes it's not fair for you to act as her comfort and support while she's going through drama with/pining for the girlfriend she prioritizes above you.

 

However, I think that's giving her too much credit. Even if she's wallowing in depression right now, it's extremely self-centered and callous of her to just cut you off cold like this. It wouldn't break her back to give you some real communication about what's going on. The two of you are supposedly dating.

 

I think chances are high she'll be circling back into your life at some point. But as long as her head and heart are still tangled up with this other woman, it's not healthy for you to be involved.

 

Well there's been an update, and I think you are quite right. I ran into her at an event last night (I didn't think she'd go and she didn't know I was going) and yeah she seems really upset/troubled, but still refused to tell me what was wrong or what's going on. She just said she wasn't ready yet, that it was difficult and it indirectly involved me though it wasn't my fault. So it's probably some combo of things that you mentioned, or maybe the gf got pissed off and gave her an ultimatum. Whatever the case, the last thing you mentioned seems to be true.

[SalientPoint]

Ok, so now I'm even more concerned and confused.

 

 

It turns out that she and her gf did NOT break up. After running into her unexpectedly the other day she did say that something really bad had happened but that she wasn't ready to talk about it yet, and might not ever be. She still refused to tell me what it was as she wasn't ready to talk about it yet, but she also said she hadn't been talking to anyone, not even her parents, and she and her mom talk every day religiously, so yeah I knew it was bad.

 

So then she had two beers and kind of let a few things slip that don't make sense when put together like she said that it had something indirectly to do with me, then tried to take it back, and she like questioned my friendship. So I'm still thinking at this point "either the gf broke up with her cause of us, or she feels like that's the reason"but yeah, never did know.

 

So tonight I just texted her to check in, and she's still all depressed

and she mentioned that she wasn't having luck finding an apartment, so to try and cross out what the reasons were I was like, "maybe your gf will find you guys something" and she was like "yeah, maybe" and then I was like "she's supporting you through this?" and she's like "yeah sure, she's been supportive, but it's more my thing to go through" so obviously they didn't break up.

 

So I think it's pretty terrible like she's been assaulted or raped or something

but she still won't say, so I dunno what to do, cause it's also super painful that she doesn't want to see me or talk to me. I don't want to be a horrible friend/person by just making it about me and my pain and bailing, but it's also super hard to be cast aside given the circumstance and nature of our relationship. I want to be there for her, but it doesn't really seem like she wants me to be, so I guess I just back off now right? That's the only thing to do?

[Standard-Fare]

That's a tough one.

 

Your theory about an assault/rape or something like that doesn't match with her saying that "it involves you."

 

And I'm not sure how fair it is for her to tell you that without going the step further to explain. I hope she does that at some point.

 

Since you mentioned the thing about not being in touch with her mom, and I think you said something before about her coming from a conservative background -- I'm wondering if it has to do with her family having some poor reactions to her lifestyle. Or something like that.

 

I still wouldn't rule out that it has something to do with the GF, and possibly an ultimatum to keep away from you. That your girl is not quite ready for.

[SalientPoint]

That's a tough one.

 

Your theory about an assault/rape or something like that doesn't match with her saying that "it involves you."

 

And I'm not sure how fair it is for her to tell you that without going the step further to explain. I hope she does that at some point.

 

Since you mentioned the thing about not being in touch with her mom, and I think you said something before about her coming from a conservative background -- I'm wondering if it has to do with her family having some poor reactions to her lifestyle. Or something like that.

 

I still wouldn't rule out that it has something to do with the GF, and possibly an ultimatum to keep away from you. That your girl is not quite ready for.

 

 

Her family already knows that she's gay, and they're fine with it, so I don't think it would be that. She was a bit tipsy when she said it indirectly involves me, so I think maybe she was just trying to push me away or something but I don't know. Her reactions sober made me think it didn't really involve me, and the fact she said her gf is being supportive about whatever it is also makes me think that they're fine.

 

At this point I am backing off and leaving her alone, but does that make me a bad person to make this about me if she's going through something horrible? If she was assaulted or something and I bailed I'd feel awful. At the end of the day though it hurts that the gf is there supporting her and I'm cut out of her life without knowing why. I know it's selfish to think like that, but I also feel like that's why I should go as well....

[Standard-Fare]

The girl has definitely put you in a difficult position. You are not wrong/selfish to want to know what's going on and support her.

 

I'm trying to think how I would react if something unthinkable happened to me, like a rape. I'm sure I'd want my privacy and my time to heal. But I can't imagine just shutting out the people I'm close to without any explanation.

 

I remember when a close friend of mine had a miscarriage fairly deep into her pregnancy. She sent out an email to close friends that was like "I want you to know this happened. It sucks and I'm depressed, but I'm working through it with my husband and a therapist. I hope you understand that I don't want to talk about it, and I need my privacy for a while." We all respected that.

 

A couple of things you've said make me wonder whether the girl's being 100 percent honest with you. Like, the fact that she said at one point that this problem "indirectly involves you" then seems to take that back at another point. That's a huge difference.

 

So I don't know, unless this is really something emotionally catastrophic, I still like she's not being totally fair or kind with you. It's not the right time to call her out on that, but you're justified in feeling that way.

 

I suppose all you can do is give her the time and space she claims to need, and hope for some clarity in the future.

[SalientPoint]

The girl has definitely put you in a difficult position. You are not wrong/selfish to want to know what's going on and support her.

 

I'm trying to think how I would react if something unthinkable happened to me, like a rape. I'm sure I'd want my privacy and my time to heal. But I can't imagine just shutting out the people I'm close to without any explanation.

 

I remember when a close friend of mine had a miscarriage fairly deep into her pregnancy. She sent out an email to close friends that was like "I want you to know this happened. It sucks and I'm depressed, but I'm working through it with my husband and a therapist. I hope you understand that I don't want to talk about it, and I need my privacy for a while." We all respected that.

 

A couple of things you've said make me wonder whether the girl's being 100 percent honest with you. Like, the fact that she said at one point that this problem "indirectly involves you" then seems to take that back at another point. That's a huge difference.

 

So I don't know, unless this is really something emotionally catastrophic, I still like she's not being totally fair or kind with you. It's not the right time to call her out on that, but you're justified in feeling that way.

 

I suppose all you can do is give her the time and space she claims to need, and hope for some clarity in the future.

 

Thank you! Yeah, I agree with you. I don't want to make this all about me if she's going through something terrible, but to be "together" for a year and then go away without an explanation feels slightly worse than a normal breakup. I'll probably ask the mods to move this to the break up section, as normally when I'm left at least I have a reason, and it's easier in terms of NC and processing it and I get to be mad at them or whatever. Now it would just feel wrong to vilify her in my head when it's probably due to something traumatic. This is a new one for me.