Being friends with an ex

[footie22]

I was chatting to a male friend last night (backstory—friends and also dated at university, although that’s been over for a while and he categorically says he never wants to date again; we stopped being friends last year when he started dating someone else; now back to being friends ever since they broke up although i imagine we’ll probably have another bust-up when he starts dating again).

 

anyway, i know it’s weird that we keep up but we always got along, and when i moved to a new city to start a post-grad course he was quite nice in helping me out (he’d done a similar course for his undergrad). he keeps saying he wants to be friends and we keep in regular contact, talking a lot about course stuff but also just day-to-day lives (although i keep personal/dating lives off-limits because i find that topic a bit upsetting given we once dated).

 

last night, he was telling me about how he plans to go travelling over the holidays and is going to visit friends in this one city (where we also broke up and he met his next girlfriend—this place doesn't have pleasant associations for me—so that was a bit of a dampener). he also starting tell me about a girl he knew from his undergrad course who he’s going to visit on the way, and how he’s excited for that because he can finally have a ‘real’ conversation with someone (the point being that our conversations are really bland because a) they’re mostly about my course, and b) this girl is his ‘intellectual equal’ because they did the same course, and my post-grad version’s less ‘intense’). i expressed mild offence at this and he told me to get over my inferiority complex (which i definitely don’t have—i was actually just a bit put out that he was so excited to see this random girl, given that he keeps telling me how boring our friendship is).

 

he then mentioned that he’ll be in my area in a few weeks and i asked him about hanging out. he said maybe but that he probably won’t have time as he will probably spend it all with the guy who’s hosting him. again i sort of expressed annoyance at this (it really wouldn't be that hard to spare an hour), and he said ‘well sorry if you were hosting me i’d hang out with you’. this is again an annoying point because he knows i won’t host him—i refuse to let my ex sleep on my floor because i know it’ll just end badly (past experience). (he thinks it’s fine and that we can just set boundaries but honestly even with boundaries set i find it upsetting to have him ‘crash’ on my floor.)

 

i was feeling really cranky by the end of this conversation and then did the really stupid thing of not sleeping on it and instead messaging him to tell him *exactly* how the conversation made me feel. (he’s sort of used to me being emotional, but he responds very, very badly to people having a go at him, and tends to either get meaner or to just stop talking to me for days/weeks whenever i get upset at him.) i know he’s seen the messages (and the apologies) but hasn't responded and tbh i don’t really feel like talking to him now.

 

was i being overly sensitive or was this guy being a bit of a jerk? i hate it when this happens—he’ll make me feel terrible for having a go at him, and i’ll probably now spend the next few weeks apologising to him and waiting for him to get over it.

 

on a more general level, what should i do about this friendship? i hate not having him in my life as a friend, but i know that once one of us starts dating again (much more likely him, he tends to ask out any girl who shows interest), it’ll become much more difficult to have him as a friend anymore. i feel like the more attached i become to him again the harder it’ll become when he meets someone new :s he’s really upset and distracted me in the past so i don’t want to get messed up by him :s

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't go through all the drama of announcing that you are ending it. I'd just ease him out of your life. Not be available to chat or get together but no formal severing of the relationship. You can still chat occasionally. I'm envisioning something like quarterly / 4x per year.

[almond]

He's not your friend. Continuing to stay in contact with him is just picking at a scab and refusing to allow it to heal.

 

Let it go. Cut contact completely and don't look back. It's definitely time to move on.

[footie22]

got it. still haven't spoken to him and don't want to either--just have to resist the urge not to lazily message him..

 

what do you guys think his deal is? he sometimes seems really friendly and as though he cares a lot about me (making sure i'm taking care of myself etc), but at other times really rude and cold. he often says this is because of past hurt but tbh i often just feel condescension or a nasty apathy from him. i was the one making an effort to stay in contact but then again he seemed to want to keep in touch as well.

 

i feel like he's manoeuvring the strings--as though he's got me boxed as a certain feature in his life (the emotional support girl friend who isn't 'good enough' of a person to be someone he treats with respect/etc).

 

is it weird that someone can claim to care about you so much and yet seem totally indifferent towards you as a person?

 

(even writing this annoys me, but it's the only way to get it out of my head)

[chris maurice]

got it. still haven't spoken to him and don't want to either--just have to resist the urge not to lazily message him..

 

what do you guys think his deal is? he sometimes seems really friendly and as though he cares a lot about me (making sure i'm taking care of myself etc), but at other times really rude and cold. he often says this is because of past hurt but tbh i often just feel condescension or a nasty apathy from him. i was the one making an effort to stay in contact but then again he seemed to want to keep in touch as well.

 

i feel like he's manoeuvring the strings--as though he's got me boxed as a certain feature in his life (the emotional support girl friend who isn't 'good enough' of a person to be someone he treats with respect/etc).

 

is it weird that someone can claim to care about you so much and yet seem totally indifferent towards you as a person?

 

(even writing this annoys me, but it's the only way to get it out of my head)

 

Actions always, always, always speak louder than words. if someone says they care about you saying it means nothing, proving it does. I think this guy is just a negative impact in your life. there is nothing for you there. Trust me ik how hard it is to cut someone off, they may even contact you but you need to dig deep and think about yourself. move on from this just cut him off completely.