what's the true definition of "emotional baggage"

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Is baggage such a bad thing?

 

I don't think I have got a lot of baggage because I haven't had many relationships so in some ways some relationship things feel fresh.

 

I was talking to my guy friend who said because I HAVEN'T had many relationships that would be considered as baggage because someone would essentially have to " teach me" to be in a relationship and have sex in order to " catch up".

 

I thought this was straight out of some crappy blog he found on the net. Love is a natural human instinct, anyone can do it, falling in love isn't based on how much practice you've had. People who had loads and loads of " relationship practice" still may not make them any better at it. May be an indication how sloppy they are it.

 

But there you go, he defines it as baggage " better to love and loss than never to be loved at all" or whatever he says or said.

 

I'm just curious what others perceive the notion " emotional baggage" is and what the big deal is?

 

Do we all have it? and should we tread carefully if we endeavor to be in a relationship with someone who has a lot of " relationship/emotional baggage". I'm sort of the person that would prefer to be with someone that has healed from their "baggage" before expecting me to help them unpack it.

That may mean that they would be single for quite a number of years, but at least they've worked on their issues before creating new ones.

 

Thoughts?

[Toodaloo]

Emotional baggage is what we carry with us that may prevent us from being available to be in a fully committed relationship.

 

Stuff like "Daddy issues" and things like that.

 

Not everyone can be successful in love because some allow their emotions to take over and control their rubbish decisions... Some people are lazy and can't be bothered to put the effort in. Believe you me "love" isn't like some Disney cartoon or fairy tale story. We don't all go skipping about singing to the birds...

 

If you are constantly trying too hard to please. That is baggage from somewhere that needs to be dealt with.

 

If you are stalking or being overly clingy. That is baggage that needs to be dealt with.

 

Its more about your behavior and how your past experiences have effected you as a person.

 

Emotional baggage is an issue and it does cause problems if not dealt with properly.

[PegNosePete]

Emotional baggage is what we carry with us that may prevent us from being available to be in a fully committed relationship.

Exactly

 

Kids are not baggage (and it's pretty offensive when people call them that). But having an ongoing child custody case in the courts, is.

 

Being "separated" is not necessarily baggage. Being separated and involved in long, protracted divorce proceedings, is.

 

Being friends with an ex is not baggage. Being friends with an ex for whom you still have feelings (or vice versa) is.

 

Etc...

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Is baggage such a bad thing?

 

 

 

I was talking to my guy friend who said because I HAVEN'T had many relationships that would be considered as baggage because someone would essentially have to " teach me" to be in a relationship and have sex in order to " catch up".

 

I would not consider this example as baggage. Am I right in this?

 

I think what most people have mentioned is baggage examples. It sounds like it's negative perceptions of past experiences that block you from receiving future ones. Sometimes I think baggage is just all in people's heads. It's just bad perception. I use to think ( as I said in a previous post) that my first love use to not want talk about feelings, so I thought all men felt this way. It did not help that all his friends felt the same way, and would influence him to treat me unfairly. Because I had this idea, when I met men who treated me kindly, I thought it was weird and did not understand it, pushing them away because of fear of the unknown and fear of being actually treated well. It was my biggest downfall, but one that I needed counseling for.

 

Anyway, I just felt offended that my friend thought I had baggage because I hadn't had many boyfriends. It seems like I've been SAVED from emotional baggage in a lot of ways, it could have been a lot worse.

Edited December 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Toodaloo]

That is baggage.

 

You are allowing one experience to skew your perceptions of billions of people based solely on their gender.

 

You have emotional baggage because your mind set has been stuck in your own assumptions. Not because of your lack of experience.

 

Your friend is right in that you have emotional baggage and you will find it difficult if you go on like that he was wrong about the reason why. He is right in that if you had dated more you would realise that no two men are the same and they are all their own individuals.

 

You are also exhibiting signs of fear of commitment and relationships which is baggage.

 

If you had been single just because you quite like it or just hadn't met someone that would be different to being single because you are afraid that all guys are a holes...

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

That is baggage.

 

You are allowing one experience to skew your perceptions of billions of people based solely on their gender.

 

You have emotional baggage because your mind set has been stuck in your own assumptions. Not because of your lack of experience.

 

Your friend is right in that you have emotional baggage and you will find it difficult if you go on like that he was wrong about the reason why. He is right in that if you had dated more you would realise that no two men are the same and they are all their own individuals.

 

You are also exhibiting signs of fear of commitment and relationships which is baggage.

 

If you had been single just because you quite like it or just hadn't met someone that would be different to being single because you are afraid that all guys are a holes...

 

 

You failed to read my post correctly. It was in past tense. Past. P.A.S.T. meaning I don't feel this way anymore. I dealt with it. I use to feel this way about men and it wasn't just incident it was several but I dealt with it. And whose to say I haven't dated a lot. I've been on PLENTY of dates, first dates, second dates, and third dates. I just haven't been in many relationships before. What my friend was saying, because I haven't had many relationships before this will be a problem. And I am saying it isn't. Please read a post correctly before commenting.

[Toodaloo]

Someone has their knickers in a twist...

 

Someone also doesn't like to be told that someone else has a point...

 

Hope your still seeing that therapist...

[PegNosePete]

You failed to read my post correctly. It was in past tense. Past. P.A.S.T. meaning I don't feel this way anymore. I dealt with it. I use to feel this way about men and it wasn't just incident it was several but I dealt with it. And whose to say I haven't dated a lot. I've been on PLENTY of dates, first dates, second dates, and third dates. I just haven't been in many relationships before. What my friend was saying, because I haven't had many relationships before this will be a problem. And I am saying it isn't. Please read a post correctly before commenting.

I would say this is a perfect example of "forum baggage".

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

That is baggage.

 

You are allowing one experience to skew your perceptions of billions of people based solely on their gender.

 

You have emotional baggage because your mind set has been stuck in your own assumptions. Not because of your lack of experience.

 

Your friend is right in that you have emotional baggage and you will find it difficult if you go on like that he was wrong about the reason why. He is right in that if you had dated more you would realise that no two men are the same and they are all their own individuals.

 

You are also exhibiting signs of fear of commitment and relationships which is baggage.

 

If you had been single just because you quite like it or just hadn't met someone that would be different to being single because you are afraid that all guys are a holes...

 

And just so you know, I am ready for a relationship. I may not have had many but that doesn't mean I cannot have one for lack of experience which is exactly what my friend was saying. I've dated plenty of men who have shown me what good gentleman behavior is, i just haven't settled on one that I really, really like. I've experienced enough. I don't know what more I can do at this point apart from keep dating for the sake of learning and experiencing and later on dating someone i really like If I feel like it's a good match.

[Toodaloo]

And just so you know, I am ready for a relationship. I may not have had many but that doesn't mean I cannot have one for lack of experience which is exactly what my friend was saying. I've dated plenty of men who have shown me what good gentleman behavior is, i just haven't settled on one that I really, really like. I've experienced enough. I don't know what more I can do at this point apart from keep dating for the sake of learning and experiencing and later on dating someone i really like If I feel like it's a good match.

 

Well if you know so much why are you bothering to ask any of us?

 

Do what you want. Its not our lives and we don't have to deal with it so why should we care.

 

Judging by these angry and self defensive responses though... your friend has a point.

[Wewon]

Baggage VS wisdom

 

Both come from experiences, baggage obscures your perspective giving your biases, causes you to jump to conclusions and maintain prejudices. Its basically an overactive defense mechanism.

 

Wisdom helps to illuminate situations and gives you insight into how human nature works. Oddly enough, wisdom makes you more open-minded to other perspectives and more humble.

 

The idea that someone has to be 'caught up' to have baggage is a little silly.

[kendahke]

I consider emotional baggage to be emotional issues which one has not resolved, which have led to that person's inability to move forward in a psychologically healthy way, either by avoiding or acting like they don't exist, but they play a significant part in the reason why they are fragmented.

[Toodaloo]

I consider emotional baggage to be emotional issues which one has not resolved, which have led to that person's inability to move forward in a psychologically healthy way, either by avoiding or acting like they don't exist, but they play a significant part in the reason why they are fragmented.

 

Just thought I would highlight that bit.

[Redhead14]

 

 

You failed to read my post correctly. It was in past tense. Past. P.A.S.T. meaning I don't feel this way anymore. I dealt with it. I use to feel this way about men and it wasn't just incident it was several but I dealt with it. And whose to say I haven't dated a lot. I've been on PLENTY of dates, first dates, second dates, and third dates. I just haven't been in many relationships before. What my friend was saying, because I haven't had many relationships before this will be a problem. And I am saying it isn't. Please read a post correctly before commenting.

 

Part of the ability to have a good relationship, is to be understanding and deal with misunderstandings in a non-confrontational, non-contentious way and be tolerant and open to opinions that may differ from yours.

 

It's not about how many relationships a person has had. It's about the "quality" of those relationships prior to their endings. Did they learn from those experiences anything about themselves? Did the relationship develop naturally and "properly" from the start. Was there trust, comfort, security, etc. up to the point where trouble began? And, when they ended, did they end with mutual respect and dignity or did they end in acrimony and bitterness? Being able to leave a relationship "gracefully", allows a person to move forward with their lives and make a fresh start as a confident, secure, independent person. If that didn't happen, they carry around "baggage". Even if they THINK they aren't, some baggage is carried around unconsciously and comes out in ways that the person isn't even aware of sometimes.

 

How many "relationships" have you had. How did the relationships you have had develop? How long did they last and how/why did they end?

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Define relationship?

 

I had a two and a half year relationship 12.5 years ago. I was abused in that relationship.I loved him more than he loved me. More like friend with benefits I think than a serious relationship Then I was a christian for 7 years and obviously there was a time of celibacy. I stopped all of that and decided to make up for lost time and I slept around. I learnt a lot from that. Then I dated a bit but couldn't find anyone I liked. But I did date people, I then recently was with someone for about eight months. It was long distance so It didn't really last that long. But I enjoyed his company and like him as a person and he was good to me. He showed me what good treatment was all about.

 

So there you go. There's my dating history.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

The idea that someone has to be 'caught up' to have baggage is a little silly.

 

I think he just meant " caught up" to be able to be in a proper relationship. If I haven't had many, he said, I would have to be taught.

[Wewon]

 

I think he just meant " caught up" to be able to be in a proper relationship. If I haven't had many, he said, I would have to be taught.

 

My ex used to have the same attitude, at least when we had an impasse. Because I had less relationships under my belt, she would often dismiss any point of view I had as "not understanding relationships" or "Not understanding women". Needless to say it made for a very unhappy relationship as I found myself trying to come to terms with a series of rules that all worked in her favor. LOL! What can I say, I was young, naive and was raised on a steady 1980's diet of the "guy are clueless" narrative so I figured that I must be wrong.

 

The point that was making is that relationships, ALL relationships, are based on the needs and temperaments of the people involved. Whether we like it or not, there are very few real "rules" to a relationship, only good communications, empathy and respect for another person's point of view. That very idea can be very unsettling and is the very definition of angst, hence why people feel the need to seek out a "rule" whenever they are at a crossroad.

 

However, look at several happy couples, you will notice that they have a tendency to adjust and adapt based on the accommodations of each other, not some outside rule.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

My ex used to have the same attitude, at least when we had an impasse. Because I had less relationships under my belt, she would often dismiss any point of view I had as "not understanding relationships" or "Not understanding women". Needless to say it made for a very unhappy relationship as I found myself trying to come to terms with a series of rules that all worked in her favor. LOL! What can I say, I was young, naive and was raised on a steady 1980's diet of the "guy are clueless" narrative so I figured that I must be wrong.

 

The point that was making is that relationships, ALL relationships, are based on the needs and temperaments of the people involved. Whether we like it or not, there are very few real "rules" to a relationship, only good communications, empathy and respect for another person's point of view. That very idea can be very unsettling and is the very definition of angst, hence why people feel the need to seek out a "rule" whenever they are at a crossroad.

 

However, look at several happy couples, you will notice that they have a tendency to adjust and adapt based on the accommodations of each other, not some outside rule.

 

glad you got out of that relationship! " sorry you can't possibly live up to standards or expectations because you don't have enough experience" your statement is exactly what I thought. It's tripe.

 

I think relationships are sometimes ways to put those theories that we have to the test. For instance, I use to think men did not want to communicate. Did not help that some men even feel pressured to keep their emotions hidden and "be a man". But I have dated men who actually share way more information than I do, not only about themselves but they are wanting you to share just as much! I was flawed when I discovered this for the first time. I think I gasped in astonishment! Dating for me has served the purposes of healing I think over all. It did not matter if I liked them, It was nice that they showed interest in me, it was nice that they took me out for dates and I did not have to pay. I learnt a lot, I'm still learning. I'm sure when I meet the right person, I'll still be learning about men and how their mind works but this time, I will be concentrating on one guy and figuring out how HIS mind works lol

[carhill]

I'm just curious what others perceive the notion " emotional baggage" is and what the big deal is?

 

My definition is the attachment of specific emotions to stimulus as a result of aggregation of those stimuli over long periods of time and in a manner which impacts the formation and maintenance of interpersonal relationships. That doesn't necessarily imply unhealthiness, rather interaction with the process. IOW, there can be positive, neutral and negative attachment of emotions and the resultant behaviors. However, when discussing 'emotional baggage', it appears perceptively negative or unhealthy attachments are most commonly shared or discussed. As an old fart, one manifestation I've noticed in myself is a cold cynicism; even though that might indicate absence of emotion, the process is remarkable IMO in the absence; the lack. Sometimes lack can be baggage too. To me, it's the change which bears scrutiny, especially if it inhibits the formation and maintenance of healthy interpersonal relationships.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Carhill can you go into a relationship though and be "triggered?" like some people have " walls" and know this about themselves and other people go into relationships not knowing they have a real certain opinion about something until their shocked with a particular revelation that proves otherwise

[Redhead14]

Define relationship?

 

I had a two and a half year relationship 12.5 years ago. I was abused in that relationship.I loved him more than he loved me. More like friend with benefits I think than a serious relationship Then I was a christian for 7 years and obviously there was a time of celibacy. I stopped all of that and decided to make up for lost time and I slept around. I learnt a lot from that. Then I dated a bit but couldn't find anyone I liked. But I did date people, I then recently was with someone for about eight months. It was long distance so It didn't really last that long. But I enjoyed his company and like him as a person and he was good to me. He showed me what good treatment was all about.

 

So there you go. There's my dating history.

 

You had a two and a half year "relationship" which amounted to FWB in your view and abuse was involved. Then you were a christian for 7 years. Did you date while you were a christian? Was the end of the 2.5 year relationship the catalyst for becoming a christian? I mean if the relationship was so poor and caused you pain, did you grab on to religion as a way to more or less distract you from all that and a way to protect yourself from being hurt?

 

Then, you made a complete reversal and started sleeping around which at some point, you realized was not healthy.

 

My point is that you have kinda done a lot of flip flopping and haven't actually allowed yourself to figure out who you really are. Then you had a long distance relationship which likely didn't have the opportunity to grow or be a real relationship, so you really didn't have a full relationship experience. The fact that you entered a long-distance relationship that wouldn't really have an opportunity to develop, kinda says it worked for you because it didn't allow for the kind of bonding necessary.

 

I then recently was with someone for about eight months. It was long distance so It didn't really last that long. -- It wouldn't last very long because it couldn't.

 

You haven't had any quality relationships and as much as you think you have grown or are prepared to have a relationship, you may be closing yourself off a little with other dating opportunities without really realizing it.

 

I'm only pointing all this out to say to you, that you seem to be "deflecting" the possibility that you have emotional baggage. Your attitude and demeanor here seems "hardened". And, so perhaps you have in some ways "steeled" yourself to being open to a relationship.

 

Regardless of your relationship history, you can and deserve to have a quality relationship.

 

"I haven't found a guy I really like" -- It may simply be that you really haven't met the "one" for you or you haven't really allowed yourself to be open enough for things to go further with some of these guys.

 

"Is baggage such a bad thing?" -- Emotional baggage is actually what drives some people to push forward with their lives and do the best for themselves and for other people, it keeps them "trapped" in the past and stagnant with their lives or bouncing back and forth and around and not really able to stay grounded and focused thus inhibiting their ability to bond with people properly.

 

Being able to get past the past, is a process of introspection and getting focused on the here and now. Whether or not a person is happy with themselves and their lives now and being able to work on those things they are unhappy with and enhancing the things they are happy with. Being focused and centered on oneself first and then adding another person to that already established security and happiness they have made for themselves.

 

So what's the true definition of emotional baggage? -- Anything from a person's past that triggers an emotional response which is actually unrelated to a present situation or causes them to not be focused on what is in front of them and see it for what it is on it's face.

Edited December 8, 2015 by Redhead14

[carhill]

Carhill can you go into a relationship though and be "triggered?" like some people have " walls" and know this about themselves and other people go into relationships not knowing they have a real certain opinion about something until their shocked with a particular revelation that proves otherwise

I consider all life stimuli to be triggers or potential triggers, this presuming we have a fully functioning brain which stores information and memory and is otherwise working in a healthy manner. What happens after a stimulus gets in there is processing. Some processing is subconscious or autonomous, largely out of our control, but the bulk is, IMO, within our control and we make choices, cognitively, all along the path from initial stimulus to end action, word, or behavior, even to the extent of how we end up feeling about the stimulus.

 

Those feelings can change markedly during the process, or remain static. Each step, both cognitive and emotional, along the path has impact. IME, it can be so fluid, as compared to linear, that perhaps 'path' is a poor term to describe it.

 

In marriage, my single most prevalent interaction with 'baggage' was within the often described dynamic of 'pushing buttons', in that we each, through time and experience, learned the others 'baggage' triggers and respected them and, generally (no one is perfect!) chose to avoid those when resolving our differences or conflicts. For us, generally, it was marked differences in FOO experiences and the emotional triggers formed from those relationships. Why? FOO stuff happens when the brain is forming and a young person is learning emotional attachments and emotional imprints from that process are elemental and pervasive. For some people, not an issue at all. For others huge. Same with other avenues of stimulus and response. Each of us is different and lives a unique life.

[Hopeful30]

To me baggage is any emotional issues that hasn't been resolved and thus continues to be a negative influence on the person and their life. That and kids.

 

That's what baggage means to me.

[kendahke]

Kids are not baggage (and it's pretty offensive when people call them that).

 

This bears repeating because children are not baggage. If someone's relationship with their child is hampering a relationship, then that parent isn't in a place to be in a new relationship and shouldn't be dating. If one finds themselves in a relationship with someone whose relationship is hampering forward movement, then recognize that this person isn't in a place to be who you need for them to be and move on to find someone who is in the requisite place. But spitting on an innocent child by calling them baggage is really unbecoming a mature adult.

Edited December 8, 2015 by kendahke

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

You had a two and a half year "relationship" which amounted to FWB in your view and abuse was involved. Then you were a christian for 7 years. Did you date while you were a christian? Was the end of the 2.5 year relationship the catalyst for becoming a christian? I mean if the relationship was so poor and caused you pain, did you grab on to religion as a way to more or less distract you from all that and a way to protect yourself from being hurt?

 

Then, you made a complete reversal and started sleeping around which at some point, you realized was not healthy.

 

My point is that you have kinda done a lot of flip flopping and haven't actually allowed yourself to figure out who you really are. Then you had a long distance relationship which likely didn't have the opportunity to grow or be a real relationship, so you really didn't have a full relationship experience. The fact that you entered a long-distance relationship that wouldn't really have an opportunity to develop, kinda says it worked for you because it didn't allow for the kind of bonding necessary.

 

I then recently was with someone for about eight months. It was long distance so It didn't really last that long. -- It wouldn't last very long because it couldn't.

 

You haven't had any quality relationships and as much as you think you have grown or are prepared to have a relationship, you may be closing yourself off a little with other dating opportunities without really realizing it.

 

I'm only pointing all this out to say to you, that you seem to be "deflecting" the possibility that you have emotional baggage. Your attitude and demeanor here seems "hardened". And, so perhaps you have in some ways "steeled" yourself to being open to a relationship.

 

Regardless of your relationship history, you can and deserve to have a quality relationship.

 

"I haven't found a guy I really like" -- It may simply be that you really haven't met the "one" for you or you haven't really allowed yourself to be open enough for things to go further with some of these guys.

 

"Is baggage such a bad thing?" -- Emotional baggage is actually what drives some people to push forward with their lives and do the best for themselves and for other people, it keeps them "trapped" in the past and stagnant with their lives or bouncing back and forth and around and not really able to stay grounded and focused thus inhibiting their ability to bond with people properly.

 

Being able to get past the past, is a process of introspection and getting focused on the here and now. Whether or not a person is happy with themselves and their lives now and being able to work on those things they are unhappy with and enhancing the things they are happy with. Being focused and centered on oneself first and then adding another person to that already established security and happiness they have made for themselves.

 

So what's the true definition of emotional baggage? -- Anything from a person's past that triggers an emotional response which is actually unrelated to a present situation or causes them to not be focused on what is in front of them and see it for what it is on it's face.

 

 

I went on a couple of dates when I was a christian but I mainly just attracted men who were attracted to me but not really wanting something sustainable with me. Even as a christian, but because I was a love anorexic at that time, I was so hungry for love that I went for them, even knowing deep down that it was likely to end up badly.

 

I am totally open for a relationship. Yeah I haven't had anything decent ever. I don't think I have ever had a proper relationship. I have dated guys that have liked me even, and admittedly I would date them usually because they were interested in me and I found that refreshing that it wasn't me obsessing over a guy. But after a few months in, I realized that I was trying to force a relationship and my feelings even though I felt nothing. And they were great people.. I just felt nothing for them no matter how hard I've tried. I think we've all been there at some point.

 

I slept around a bit because I needed to. I think over all it was a good experience. The only reason why I stopped was because I realized that i wanted a boyfriend. I mean, I was celibate for 7 years, I needed sex and lots of it!

 

What I found offensive is that my friend basically said " I would need to be taught to have a relationship" implying I don't have the necessary tools to be in a relationship or have a relationship or be considered for one. This is something I disagree with. We all have to start somewhere. When I find the right person, I think I would treasure it and be more appreciative of something good because I have never experienced it before and I haven't had a relationship for so long. Who doesn't like to feel appreciated? I admit that I am jealous of people that have had long term relationships and I haven't. It makes their life seem more enriched. However, doesn't mean that I don't live a rich life and that my lack of experience will be a major hindrance that will cause apocalyptic catastrophe if I open this up to a guy and share this information with him.

 

The quality of those experiences were not decent as I'm sure you can agree but they don't disqualify me from experiencing something good and i won't necessarily have to be " taught" how to be in a relationship either. I think these things are instinctual.

 

I believe I am open because I date all the time. For the past six or seven years I meet people and go on several dates a year. Some of them last a little longer than one date but they add a new experience to my dating repertoire. I am learning what I like and dislike.

 

So I am not entirely " hardened" as you may think. If I do have a bit of baggage I guess I will work on it when the time comes. It may be a little or it maybe a lot, but I'll learn the ropes of relationships, even if I am a bit behind all my peers.