Guy I'm dating always wants to split the check

[wb1988]

Of course the internet answer is always to "dump the guy". Yeah like my bf is so perfect, generous, funny..... everyone is still going to be like dump the guy haha.

 

For starters the guy takes a 2-hour flight to come see you and in clearly making the effort. If money is everything to you and time & effort means nothing then you're definitely dating the wrong guy. Personally I think all meals should have been 100% on you if it was just for 2 nights or so.

 

Just because someone makes money doesn't mean that they have to spend it on you. I make more than all of my friends (they are also 100% aware of it) but I'm never expected nor feel pressured to pay more than my fair share, in fact they probably have all spent slightly more on me collectively than I have on them. Same goes to the girl I'm dating, If I treat you then it has to be 100% my choice and if you're not okay with that then tough. It's always important to know that the person you're with is with you for you and not a free meal.

 

The whole "pay what you're comfortable with paying" was probably slightly misunderstood at the time, but at least he understood the lesson later on. He sounds like a skinflint but trust me a person can turn from a skinflint to a big-spender like a switch.

[losangelena]

Of course the internet answer is always to "dump the guy". Yeah like my bf is so perfect, generous, funny..... everyone is still going to be like dump the guy haha.

 

For starters the guy takes a 2-hour flight to come see you and in clearly making the effort. If money is everything to you and time & effort means nothing then you're definitely dating the wrong guy. Personally I think all meals should have been 100% on you if it was just for 2 nights or so.

 

Just because someone makes money doesn't mean that they have to spend it on you. I make more than all of my friends (they are also 100% aware of it) but I'm never expected nor feel pressured to pay more than my fair share, in fact they probably have all spent slightly more on me collectively than I have on them. Same goes to the girl I'm dating, If I treat you then it has to be 100% my choice and if you're not okay with that then tough. It's always important to know that the person you're with is with you for you and not a free meal.

 

The whole "pay what you're comfortable with paying" was probably slightly misunderstood at the time, but at least he understood the lesson later on. He sounds like a skinflint but trust me a person can turn from a skinflint to a big-spender like a switch.

 

"'Pay what you feel like paying,' after I told you yesterday that I would buy dinner."

 

That's the central part of the problem (in my eyes). He completely, for some unknown reason, reneged on his offer. If HE hadn't wanted to pay for dinner, he should have kept his mouth shut the night before when he offered.

 

Besides, OP says that in the entire time they've known each other he hasn't paid for her (for two months). At a certain point, trips or no trips, I feel like most PEOPLE, regardless of gender, want to treat their partners by picking up the tab.

 

Plus he criticized her after she went and got him breakfast while his lazy ass was sleeping. "Thanks, honey," is all that's needed as a reply.

[katiegrl]

Of course the internet answer is always to "dump the guy". Yeah like my bf is so perfect, generous, funny..... everyone is still going to be like dump the guy haha.

 

For starters the guy takes a 2-hour flight to come see you and in clearly making the effort. If money is everything to you and time & effort means nothing then you're definitely dating the wrong guy. Personally I think all meals should have been 100% on you if it was just for 2 nights or so.

 

Just because someone makes money doesn't mean that they have to spend it on you. I make more than all of my friends (they are also 100% aware of it) but I'm never expected nor feel pressured to pay more than my fair share, in fact they probably have all spent slightly more on me collectively than I have on them. Same goes to the girl I'm dating, If I treat you then it has to be 100% my choice and if you're not okay with that then tough. It's always important to know that the person you're with is with you for you and not a free meal.

 

The whole "pay what you're comfortable with paying" was probably slightly misunderstood at the time, but at least he understood the lesson later on. He sounds like a skinflint but trust me a person can turn from a skinflint to a big-spender like a switch.

 

The guy is a scammer..... promising her HE will pay next time....but when next time comes around... he still wants to split.

 

That's pretty pathetic if you ask me....and if it were me.... I would dump him for that.

I can't date a man who doesn't keep his word and attempts to BS me like that.

 

Of course I never would have let him get away with it.... I would have reminded him of his promise....let him pay....and then dumped him! :bunny:

[Versacehottie]

Right. I just really can't see how taking a 2-hour flight each way to see someone is seen as 'less investment' than paying for a couple of meals. Honestly. You have to either drive to the airport and park there (expensive!) or take a shuttle (cheaper than a cab or parking, but still expensive). You have to check in ahead of time, wait for boarding. After the two hour flight is over, you have to wait for baggage, then get another shuttle or cab from the airport (unless the OP picked him up, not sure if she did). Aside from the additional costs inherent in air travel, time is money.

 

And points ARE money. If he had not spent his points on this flight he would have been able to save on another flight. The 'points don't count' thing is like saying that just because someone buys you a gift with their credit card points, it doesn't count. Of course it counts because if they hadn't spent the points on you, they could well save $50 on their OWN purchases.

 

I mean, I still think the prognosis for this isn't good at all if the dude is saying he isn't sure if he wants a R, and I don't think she should wait around for him to 'decide'. I think she should leave. But because of that, not because of the couple of meals.

 

Whoa, I think we usually agree but I couldn't disagree more with your first paragraph. Sure time is money: in business! If my bf was keeping score like this about time spent for something we BOTH find highly enjoyable and a priority, I would dump him so fast. It might even be stingier than the money component we are talking about here. I don't think OP should be ungrateful for the effort he has made so hopefully that is the point you are trying to make. Maybe not though. If each party is going to start calculating like that it is so ridiculously petty than what is the point!!!

 

I do agree that of course he could have "spent" the points to go somewhere else so he should get some credit for that. Truthfully it is insight into how much of a priority he places on this relationship if he would have rather spent the points on going somewhere else. I took OP's initial post as that she would go to visit him if it was an option indicating he is a high priority to her. OP didn't say that her guy viewed it as you have proposed but if he did, that would be another indicator to dump him.

 

Agree with your 3rd paragraph.

[anna121]

He sounds like a skinflint but trust me a person can turn from a skinflint to a big-spender like a switch.

 

Gotta say, I've never met one of those. At least, not where the "big-spending" is on someone else, as opposed to the skinflint.

 

I think the ordinary expectations the OP is entitled to have (which in my opinion should be more or less equal regarding $$$ unless there's huge income disparity) are getting obscured by the travel segment at play here. But the refusal to pay for her seems like it has been the norm, not just on the weekend trips.

 

I actually agree that when someone comes to visit me, I have no problem paying for most things. But, usually they will insist on one meal. And I'm talking friends here, not a SO!

 

Like others, for me it's his weaselling out of an offer to pay for a measly dinner that is ringing the alarm bell. Honestly, the entire exchange he initiated with "so...how are we gonna handle the bill?" is utterly cringe-worthy.

 

It just sounds SO cheap. And cheapness is one of the most unattractive qualities a person can have. And, IME, a quality that is pretty unlikely to change.

[OldRover]

Of course the internet answer is always to "dump the guy". Yeah like my bf is so perfect, generous, funny..... everyone is still going to be like dump the guy haha.

 

For starters the guy takes a 2-hour flight to come see you and in clearly making the effort. If money is everything to you and time & effort means nothing then you're definitely dating the wrong guy. Personally I think all meals should have been 100% on you if it was just for 2 nights or so.

 

Just because someone makes money doesn't mean that they have to spend it on you. I make more than all of my friends (they are also 100% aware of it) but I'm never expected nor feel pressured to pay more than my fair share, in fact they probably have all spent slightly more on me collectively than I have on them. Same goes to the girl I'm dating, If I treat you then it has to be 100% my choice and if you're not okay with that then tough. It's always important to know that the person you're with is with you for you and not a free meal.

 

The whole "pay what you're comfortable with paying" was probably slightly misunderstood at the time, but at least he understood the lesson later on. He sounds like a skinflint but trust me a person can turn from a skinflint to a big-spender like a switch.

 

wb,

 

You really hit the nail on the head, and very appropriate post. That's exactly what happened, and the "dump him" attitude is probably from a few bitter people that just can't get along with anyone.

 

GREAT POST1!

[katiegrl]

I started dating a guy a couple months back, we are in a LDR- he moved out of town a few weeks after we met to go back to his hometown for a job promotion. It is a 2-hour flight away and he is living with his family. We are not yet "official."

 

Since moving away he has come to visit me once which was last weekend. He was able to use flying points on the flights which meant he didn't have to pay that much, but nevertheless

 

 

 

----

 

***I wanted to buy him dinner after his arrival last Friday to thank him for making an effort to come see me. He accepted and said "tomorrow is on me". ***

 

***The next morning I went out to buy him breakfast when he was still sleeping, as well as some food during the day. When we went to dinner, he didn't pay for me like he had said he would. He gingerly brought up the issue of how we pay (before we had even seen the check) - whether to treat me or not, to which I said "Pay however you feel most comfortable paying", to which he responded "let's pay half and half then".***

 

 

------

 

I didn't show it but this reaction made me feel upset.

 

However, afterwards he asked me a few times if I was ok with paying my half of the check; perhaps he detected that I was a little sad. But I still didn't reveal my feelings on it.

 

 

Quotes above in asterisk --- when he asked how you were going to handle the bill and if he should treat....this is the part where you SPEAK UP and say "Yes, YOU are going to treat like you promised yesterday (wink and a smile).

 

That said, I really do think Versacehottie was right, he was testing you. To get a rise out of you, some sort of a reaction....I mean he promised he would pay .....and now he wants to split?!!! Really dude?

 

No one is *that* ballsy.

 

My guess is he is bored with your passive nature, and was hoping for a rise. I mean you did say after his visit, he has pulled back, unsure if he wants a relationship. He's bored.

 

However, instead of holding him to his promise....you instead reply "just pay however you feel most comfortable paying." Even I am screaming ugh!!!! at how passive your response was.

 

I am not saying this to be mean....just wanting you to learn that it is okay, even good to hold a man to his word. He wants you to hold him to his word!

 

In any event, my gut tells me this *relationship* is done. Lesson learned for next time.

 

And again, NOT defending him, any man who plays those games and employs those types of shyt tests does not deserve your time and attention.

 

So I do hope you find the strength to dump this loser, you deserve better for sure!

Edited December 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[OldRover]

Whoa, I think we usually agree but I couldn't disagree more with your first paragraph. Sure time is money: in business! If my bf was keeping score like this about time spent for something we BOTH find highly enjoyable and a priority, I would dump him so fast. It might even be stingier than the money component we are talking about here. I don't think OP should be ungrateful for the effort he has made so hopefully that is the point you are trying to make. Maybe not though. If each party is going to start calculating like that it is so ridiculously petty than what is the point!!!

 

I do agree that of course he could have "spent" the points to go somewhere else so he should get some credit for that. Truthfully it is insight into how much of a priority he places on this relationship if he would have rather spent the points on going somewhere else. I took OP's initial post as that she would go to visit him if it was an option indicating he is a high priority to her. OP didn't say that her guy viewed it as you have proposed but if he did, that would be another indicator to dump him.

 

Agree with your 3rd paragraph.

 

Versace,

 

I hear ya, but not on the same page. Time IS not only money, but an investment and certainly showing someone that you put some effort in it. I'm not a big fan of "keeping score", but the effort in a 2 hours flight (both ways) is more than significant, and certainly makes a statement. Time is not only an asset in business, it also is in personal relationships and shows a lot about one's efforts.

 

And, in only two months, who cares about a stinkin dinner or two. I'm betting that will change, and she really needs to communicate with him so he knows where she stands. And, she should be very careful on how she communicates to him to be sure she doesn't come across as a gold digger.

 

I know a lot of guys that do not spend a lot for the first several dates before they know where things are going, myself included. I've NEVER had an issue with that and when the time came, money was no object for my lady... I'd pay for virtually everything, but she would often offer (ALL the women I've dated with a rare few exceptions that I did dump).

[Versacehottie]

wb,

 

You really hit the nail on the head, and very appropriate post. That's exactly what happened, and the "dump him" attitude is probably from a few bitter people that just can't get along with anyone.

 

GREAT POST1!

 

Well actually, for me personally I think I typically have the tendency (not lately on here) but to tell people to hang in there a little longer than probably is necessary. So I'm not accepting the bitter label. sorry. but I do agree it is thrown out pretty often and seemingly casually on here. I try to be cautious not to do so--can only speak to my personal intentions in answering.

 

For OP, I have stated to dump him because I think he is already acting like he takes her for granted; I'm never for cheap and stingy because every one I have ever known with a guy like that is miserable and it doesn't last. It's a core value about KEEPING SCORE usually on everything which is not cool.

 

And Old Rover saw your post below and in response, yep we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I'm surprised you started paying down the line and got that far along with girls. It's just as offensive to the girl to be thought of as a gold digger or liking a guy only for what he pays for. I wouldn't like the auditioning vibe or having to prove I wasn't a gold digger as some sort of test to get to week 3-4. TBH, I don't have much experience myself with cheap or stingy guys. Honestly, I'm pretty perceptive and it's a quality (not strictly about money but the keeping score bit) that I've been lucky to avoid in almost all of my relationships (friends, family, bfs). I had one bf where I paid for a lot more than he did because I had a lot more and he absolutely was one of the most generous people in everything. I never even thought about it one bit. We were both equally generous even though we couldn't pay in the same way.

 

But you must have been doing something that worked right for you bc as you said it worked. Anyway, OP maybe at month 3 this guy will start treating you better???

[Els]

Whoa, I think we usually agree but I couldn't disagree more with your first paragraph. Sure time is money: in business! If my bf was keeping score like this about time spent for something we BOTH find highly enjoyable and a priority, I would dump him so fast. It might even be stingier than the money component we are talking about here. I don't think OP should be ungrateful for the effort he has made so hopefully that is the point you are trying to make. Maybe not though. If each party is going to start calculating like that it is so ridiculously petty than what is the point!!!

 

That wasn't really what I meant - the time he spent with her is highly enjoyable and a priority of course. The time spent traveling alone to go see her is what I meant.I mean, if I'd spent 4 hours traveling to meet a guy and he kicked up a fuss about paying for 2 meals, I'd probably be out of that relationship. I don't necessarily think she was being ungrateful, I just think she has never traveled for the sole purpose of seeing a partner before and is unaware of what it entails.

[katiegrl]

That wasn't really what I meant - the time he spent with her is highly enjoyable and a priority of course. The time spent traveling alone to go see her is what I meant.I mean, if I'd spent 4 hours traveling to meet a guy and he kicked up a fuss about paying for 2 meals, I'd probably be out of that relationship. I don't necessarily think she was being ungrateful, I just think she has never traveled for the sole purpose of seeing a partner before and is unaware of what it entails.

 

Elswyth....where do you get that she "kicked up a fuss about 2 meals"?

 

She happily paid for dinner the night he arrived, paid for his breakfast the following morning, plus some other food for him throughout the day.

 

The first night when she paid, *he* said "tomorrow is on me."

 

However, when tomorrow rolled around, and before the bill even arrives, he reneges on his offer to treat... and asks "how should we handle the bill, should I treat"?

 

Knowing perfectly well he said the night before he would treat!

 

However, despite his promise he would pay, the OP still agrees to split!

 

She was completely accommodating...too accommodating given his promise to treat.

 

How does that equate to her "kicking up a fuss"?

 

Can you clarify? I'd really like to understand your rationale.

[Versacehottie]

That wasn't really what I meant - the time he spent with her is highly enjoyable and a priority of course. The time spent traveling alone to go see her is what I meant.I mean, if I'd spent 4 hours traveling to meet a guy and he kicked up a fuss about paying for 2 meals, I'd probably be out of that relationship. I don't necessarily think she was being ungrateful, I just think she has never traveled for the sole purpose of seeing a partner before and is unaware of what it entails.

 

Really? I don't know that she stated either way. In fact, my take reading between the lines was that she would be willing to go to his city but cannot because of the situation he has created with his family. I didn't see anything to indicate that she wasn't familiar with what it takes to travel. I still don't see it as something I would be "counting". And I have been in a much longer distance relationship. I guess I kinda would do time for time and money for money.

 

In other words, if she was blowing him off time-wise during this weekend after the effort he took to be there, then to me she would be ungrateful of his "time" effort. I think the paying for meals is a repeated thing over the two months and she gave what happened this most recent weekend as an example, kind of like it was a final straw/turning point or further evidence that he will continue to be stingy. Though there is a chance i misunderstood that--but that is how I understood it. But yes if it was JUST this weekend, I don't think paying for 2 meals and all the food at the apt this weekend is a big deal. That's just "hosting" to me. As I said, he didn't hold to his promise of getting the 'next dinner" is the biggest issue to me.

Edited December 10, 2015 by Versacehottie

[Shining One]

I've been in one long-distance relationship that involved somewhat frequent travel. She visited me first and paid for her flight. I paid for everything while she was here. I visited her next, paid for the flight, and she covered my costs while I was there. We naturally fell into a rhythm after that. If I find myself in another long-distance relationship in the future, I would want a similar arrangement.

[Versacehottie]

I've been in one long-distance relationship that involved somewhat frequent travel. She visited me first and paid for her flight. I paid for everything while she was here. I visited her next, paid for the flight, and she covered my costs while I was there. We naturally fell into a rhythm after that. If I find myself in another long-distance relationship in the future, I would want a similar arrangement.

 

This DOES make sense.

 

Even though it cannot apply to OP's situation because he cannot host her in his city (lives with his parents and they don't know about her--another red flag BTW!).

[katiegrl]

I've been in one long-distance relationship that involved somewhat frequent travel. She visited me first and paid for her flight. I paid for everything while she was here. I visited her next, paid for the flight, and she covered my costs while I was there. We naturally fell into a rhythm after that. If I find myself in another long-distance relationship in the future, I would want a similar arrangement.

 

Shining, just curious, but if your girlfriend paid on the first night, and you responded by saying "thanks, tomorrow is on me" ....when tomorrow rolled around, would you then ask her before the bill even arrives "how should we handle the bill, should I treat"?

 

Knowing you already said the night before that you would treat?

 

Just curious.

 

I think for many us, that's a pretty douche move, and the main issue for me. He's a chump.

[Shining One]

Shining, just curious, but if your girlfriend paid on the first night, and you responded by saying "thanks, tomorrow is on me" ....when tomorrow rolled around, would you then ask her before the bill even arrives "how should we handle the bill, should I treat"?

 

Knowing you already said the night before that you would treat?

 

Just curious.

 

I think for many us, that's a pretty douche move, and the main issue for me. He's a chump.

I follow up on my promises. I would not discuss the bill, I would just pay it. I agree, it was a douche move to change his mind.

[Hughes101]

Wow...he is cheap I mean really cheap and has no manner or how to treat a woman.

 

My boyfriend of 15 months he too makes a lot of money top excutive job earns almost quarter of million a year and he always pays for dinner or lunch and if I try to pay, he gets upsad and when we go shopping...we go shopping every weekend. He likes to shop and look around.

If I need my own stuff I put in the basket but again he pays everything too

Don't matter what it is he pays and ask anything else you need or want?

 

I want to buy something for his mom so we went shopping I pick out few things for his mom again he pays..I say I want yo buy for her he you did. I paid but you picked out so you bought it.

He won't let me pay for anything so now days, I go shop alone or online that way I can pay.

He even pays my airplane tickets and gives me his credit card to spend when I go see my kids in different state so I don't spend my money.

When guy makes good money and he really care, he spend money.

My boyfriend is not perfect and he can be cheap too but cheap to him self...he rarely buy things for him self but buys for me all the time.

 

I think if he is that cheap and act like that dating, he won't change much later either and you guys will fight over money all the time.

I think you should really talk or say you forgot your wallet.

 

Your boyfriend is providing a lot for you financially. It sounds like you're straight up using him for money.

 

This isn't a normal arrangement in western countries (at least not to this extreme)

 

Dont get your expectations too high based on this OP

[Els]

Elswyth....where do you get that she "kicked up a fuss about 2 meals"?

 

I did not say the OP did (though in my view a thread THIS long about it is still a bit of an overreaction). All I was saying is that it's reasonable for one partner to treat the other for a weekend when the other person spent 4 hours one way traveling to see them, and I would not want someone who did not.

 

Really? I don't know that she stated either way. In fact, my take reading between the lines was that she would be willing to go to his city but cannot because of the situation he has created with his family.

 

Really, he created a situation where she can't travel to him? I was unaware of that. It reinforces my suggestion that she leave.

 

I didn't see anything to indicate that she wasn't familiar with what it takes to travel. I still don't see it as something I would be "counting". And I have been in a much longer distance relationship. I guess I kinda would do time for time and money for money.

 

I wouldn't count it either, nor would my SO (whom I was in a LDR with previously as well). But given that the majority of this thread IS about counting who spent how much, I don't think it's amiss to point out that money isn't the only thing that was spent.

 

As I said, he didn't hold to his promise of getting the 'next dinner" is the biggest issue to me.

 

I agree, I don't think he should have made promises he didn't keep. But that doesn't seem to be what the OP is focusing on.

 

The biggest issue to ME is that he "can't decide" if he wants a relationship. Personally I think if anyone says that to you, you should make the decision for them (which is a 'no', of course).

[salparadise]

But she IS seeing character deficits, which to my mind are much more glaring than him not treating her. He wants to split the bill? Fine, but he shouldn't have reneged on his offer to "get the next one," and furthermore to do it in such a way that he ASKS her if it's OK if they split. I don't care what gender you are, that's a lame way to behave.

 

Also, he criticized her after she went and got him breakfast. How about just a genuine "thank you?" Jesus.

 

Guess I missed the one where he criticized her about breakfast- and yea, I realize that this situation is testing people's values and he's probably a tight-wad. But my original point was that if the genders were reversed nobody would give it a second thought.

 

 

I don't think the issue here is that society makes men feel obligated to pay for a woman's dinner on dates and that it shouldn't be that way because we're all equal. The issue is that the OP puts in more than she gets back and that her guy is absolutely content with that. That is a stingy outlook. And whether obliged or not it really isn't "manly" to sponge off of another human being, female or otherwise.

 

Sweetie replies: ^^This is exactly the point here, for anyone who is thinking that this is some kind of "but the man is supposed to pay" complaint!!

 

So if you know that's what it is, then you know what to do and I wouldn't blame you one bit. I've been in that spot too and tolerated it far too long. I now have a relationship that is the opposite and it's amazing how much different it is, and not just in the realm of dollars and cents but the overall exchange of energy, affirmation and positive regard. Non-reciprocal in one area tends to be indicative of non-reciprocal overall. I will never put up with that again and you shouldn't either.

[salparadise]

Versace,

 

I hear ya, but not on the same page. Time IS not only money, but an investment and certainly showing someone that you put some effort in it. I'm not a big fan of "keeping score", but the effort in a 2 hours flight (both ways) is more than significant, and certainly makes a statement. Time is not only an asset in business, it also is in personal relationships and shows a lot about one's efforts.

 

And, in only two months, who cares about a stinkin dinner or two. I'm betting that will change, and she really needs to communicate with him so he knows where she stands. And, she should be very careful on how she communicates to him to be sure she doesn't come across as a gold digger.

 

I know a lot of guys that do not spend a lot for the first several dates before they know where things are going, myself included. I've NEVER had an issue with that and when the time came, money was no object for my lady... I'd pay for virtually everything, but she would often offer (ALL the women I've dated with a rare few exceptions that I did dump).

 

 

See this is the thing... we're hearing the narrative from one perspective, and that narrative includes judgements. If we accept the judgements then of course the guy is a scumbag for not doing what she expected. But if we listen to the story and discard the pre-judgement it's not nearly so black and white.

 

A two hour flight means he lives half way across the country, and if you can exchange points for a flight then they're worth exactly what that flight would cost in dollars. We're talking hundreds of dollars, at least. And then consider how much time out of his life he contributed to make that trip that Sweetie didn't have to match on her end... a two-hour flight costs a day, because other than packing your bag and dealing with travel related tasks there isn't going to be time or energy to do much else on the same day.

 

All that being said, yea I think the guy screwed up royally by not picking up the check on that dinner... and it may well be indicative of character deficits, if being cheap and male at the same time is defined as such.

[Versacehottie]

And then consider how much time out of his life he contributed to make that trip that Sweetie didn't have to match on her end... a two-hour flight costs a day, because other than packing your bag and dealing with travel related tasks there isn't going to be time or energy to do much else on the same day.

 

 

Wow, that sounds hard traveling to go see her. (yes total sarcasm!). Guaranteed, she prepared her home and everything for him coming for about a similar amount of time. If it's too much effort for a person, they should probably only date locally if they are inconvenienced by a flight. For LDRs, both money and time apart take their toll and cause problems, I never could imagine one side or the other selfishly counting the time it took to see his or her significant other as a burden. Yes there are people who don't want to date "geographically undesirable" people. But if you are doing it, why keep score or complain???!!

 

in LA it take an hour or so to get cross town. Even with traffic people who live 5 minutes without traffic it may turn into 30 minutes. Frustrating yes. Blame your partner or think they owe you for making the trip, no.

Edited December 10, 2015 by Versacehottie

[losangelena]

Wow, that sounds hard traveling to go see her. (yes total sarcasm!). Guaranteed, she prepared her home and everything for him coming for about a similar amount of time. If it's too much effort for a person, they should probably only date locally if they are inconvenience by a flight. For LDRs, both money and time apart take their toll and cause problems, I never could imagine one side or the other selfishly counting the time it took to see his or her significant other as a burden. Yes there are people who don't want to date "geographically undesirable" people. But if you are doing it, why keep score or complain???!!

 

in LA it take an hour or so to get cross town. Even with traffic people who live 5 minutes without traffic it may turn into 30 minutes. Frustrating yes. Blame your partner or think they owe you for making the trip, no.

 

 

Hahahaha ... just have to chuckle at this. It's true. I often joked that my ex and I were in a LDR because it took me over an hour usually to get to his place. Because of extenuating circumstances, it was me exclusively going to his place, so I was spending between 6 and 9 hours a week (every week for about 9 months) to go back and forth. That didn't keep me from paying when we did things together, so Sal, I fail to see the connection.

 

By the way, OP can't travel to him because he lives with his family and they don't know about him. That's rather limiting and it's a problem he's put on himself.

 

I'm all for the splitting of expenses and think that in a fair and equitable relationship, these things tend to even out in the wash. But this particular guy sounds weasely and parsimonious, not to mention someone who goes back on his word.

[salparadise]

For LDRs, both money and time apart take their toll and cause problems, I never could imagine one side or the other selfishly counting the time it took to see his or her significant other as a burden. Yes there are people who don't want to date "geographically undesirable" people. But if you are doing it, why keep score or complain???!!

 

Listen up sweetie, oops I mean sugga... I am definitely not advocating keeping score, but I am supporting the notion that the gander has as much right to a scorecard as the goose does, and in this thread the geese are squawking pretty damn loud and sharpening their pencils at the same time. I think it's hilarious that you're telling OP to dump the guy because he's behind in the count, but the cost of airfare plus [potentially] two days of lost wages count for naught. Pfffft.

 

I agree that LDRs are difficult at best, and when one person expends a bunch of effort (of which flying half way across the country certainly qualifies) it's not at all unreasonable for the hostess to be a good hostess. I've said several times that not picking up the check for that meal was a major faux pas on the guy's part, but I also think that if he were tuned into what's being said about his effort counting for zilch he might be the one doing the dumping.

 

Bottom line is that this relationship is already dead because the OP's expectations were not met, and thanks to all the great advice and encouragement she's no longer of a mind to see it as having more than one facet. Good job. Mission accomplished.

[katiegrl]

Cost of airfare -- OP said in her original post he used points so paid next to nothing for his flight.

 

2 days no pay from work -- it was a weekend, not mention most employers offer vacation time unless employee is contract or part time. But it was a weekend anyway. And even if it wasn't, the OP would have to take time off work too (potentially losing pay)....so that argument is moot.

 

Again, OP happily and graciously paid for dinner the first night, breakfast in the morn and food throughout the day.

 

He offered to pay for second night but then reneges and lamely asks how they should split and if he should treat. LAME. They ended up splitting! WTF.

 

Prior to his visit, OP had paid (again happily and graciously) for all their dates OR they split.

 

He never treated her, not even once.

 

As for time travel. Throw your shyt in a bag, take a shuttle to the airport, relax on a plane for two hours reading or watchng a movie. A hell of a lot easier than sitting in traffic for an hour which many people do without expecting their SO to foot the bill for their "effort.".

 

They guy is a cheap (at least with HER)...a chump ..... and OP's points are more than valid.

 

If you don't see it that way Sal, so be it.

Edited December 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

Listen up sweetie, oops I mean sugga... I am definitely not advocating keeping score, but I am supporting the notion that the gander has as much right to a scorecard as the goose does, and in this thread the geese are squawking pretty damn loud and sharpening their pencils at the same time. I think it's hilarious that you're telling OP to dump the guy because he's behind in the count, but the cost of airfare plus [potentially] two days of lost wages count for naught. Pfffft.

 

I agree that LDRs are difficult at best, and when one person expends a bunch of effort (of which flying half way across the country certainly qualifies) it's not at all unreasonable for the hostess to be a good hostess. I've said several times that not picking up the check for that meal was a major faux pas on the guy's part, but I also think that if he were tuned into what's being said about his effort counting for zilch he might be the one doing the dumping.

 

Bottom line is that this relationship is already dead because the OP's expectations were not met, and thanks to all the great advice and encouragement she's no longer of a mind to see it as having more than one facet. Good job. Mission accomplished.

 

LOL, you are trying to turn this into who pays based on gender. OP's guy is a big boy, I'm assuming he made plans to come see her when he was off of work, as any responsible person would do to not start cutting into his income. Based on your assumption, she'd have to be off work to host him and spend time with him. I don't think either of those things were going on. This was their "dating" time, albeit more extended than a lot of couples at the two month mark because of their distance. But like most dates, I'm assuming it happened when neither one of them had to be at work.

 

I don't think his effort in coming there counts for nothing and have said that. I think making time to see each other is something neither side should be "counting". You either want to do it or you don't. Neither side is "owed" for the effort. TBH, your argument about time spent traveling is probably very similar to whatever OP's guy is thinking. I find it stingy and unattractive. I'm not the one who has to make the decision about the guy though. Peace out, sugga.