Guy I'm dating always wants to split the check

[katiegrl]

He said he would pay next...then he didn't.

 

I do agree she should have stated she wasn't ok with it. She needs to be able to say I'm not ok with you being so cheap.

 

But - he's shown who he is. Since she doesn't like it she shouldn't continue. It's difficult to teach a cheap skate not to be cheap.

 

Well...we teach people how to treat us.

 

Since she essentially lied, saying she was okay with it when she is not....and did not call him on why he was reneging on his promise to pay next time .... the message she sent was (1) he doesn't need to step up, she is okay with him being *cheap,* and (2) she has no boundaries, and he does not need to keep his word.

 

Bad message to send!

 

In my experience, some men are clueless and need to be called out on their BS. My own fiance did in the early stages.

 

In fact, he gained a lot of respect for me for having the strength and courage to call him out.

 

It actually strengthened our relationship.... instead of ruining it like the OP is afraid her being honest would.

 

Backwards thinking!

[katiegrl]

I asked him the second question. He told his family that he was going to "visit someone this weekend" to which they asked if it was a girl and he said "maybe".

 

Honestly the guy doesn't even know when he is next coming and isn't taking it very seriously, still unsure about a relationship and wants to talk "on his next visit" about where we stand on the official level; we are clearly on such different wavelengths that it might just be time to throw in the towel.

 

That is a completely different ball of wax....completetly separate from the paying issue.

 

And if you want to end it for those reasons .....I am with you there.

 

Good luck hun.....

[StBreton]

St B, we usually agree, but gotta disagree with you here.

 

Begging? He asked her if she was okay with splitting....and she lied and said yes!

 

Since when is being honest and telling him the truth ....considered begging?

 

Hey Katiegrl! That's not me ...it was S2B.

 

You and I almost always agree:)

 

As for Sweetie's dilemma...I would have spoken up for myself during the 2nd dinner ... with a knowing nod of my head ... letting the guy know I'm onto his BS and I don't appreciate shenanigans ... because left unchecked, those can grow like HeLa cells:laugh:

[StBreton]

Well...we teach people how to treat us.

 

Since she essentially lied, saying she was okay with it when she is not....and did not call him on why he was reneging on his promise to pay next time .... the message she sent was (1) he doesn't need to step up, she is okay with him being *cheap,* and (2) she has no boundaries, and he does not need to keep his word.

 

Bad message to send!

 

In my experience, some men are clueless and need to be called out on their BS. My own fiance did in the early stages.

 

In fact, he gained a lot of respect for me for having the strength and courage to call him out.

 

It actually strengthened our relationship.... instead of ruining it like the OP is afraid her being honest would.

Backwards thinking!

 

There you go Sweetie...this is a keen observation and one to heed. Don't set aside your values because you like other things about a person. What this guy did was totally uncool but you should have called him on his BS. Having a stronger self-esteem will help you do this so work on this ok?

[LydiaLong]

He makes a lot of money yet lives with his parents? Something doesn't add up here. Dump him.

[pizzaro]

He is NOT obligated to pay for anything for you. This is like saying a woman is obligated to have sex with a woman since he paid for a date.

 

No, it doesn't work that way. When you offer to do something for someone, you do it without the expectation of getting something back.

[truth_seeker]

This guy is a loser. He doesn't know how to treat a lady.

[bathtub-row]

I am with him because there are a few things about him that I do like very much, things which I haven't experienced that much in previous relationships. Perhaps he just doesn't realise how his behaviour in this area is hurting me. I would find it awkward to have the "why do you never pay for me" chat since it's not in my nature to tell someone to treat me; I just wish he would take more initiative.

 

Perhaps he just doesn't see the value in doing things for others and hence doesn't show appreciation when I do something nice for him...ingratitude is a deal-breaker for me and since he hasn't booked his flights yet for his next visit (and isn't even thinking about when he wants to come next - just said "in the new year") I am going to have a think about whether I really do want to see him again.

 

I never said you need to have a conversation with him about it. Talking will not change who he is. If he's so clueless that he isn't aware that for the last 40 centuries, men have been taking women out and paying for the date, then I wonder what else he's clueless about. The truth is, he knows exactly what he's doing and he's trying to find a woman who will put up with his nonsense.

 

I also find it concerning that he has made no plans to be with you for Christmas or New Years. I hate to tell you but this isn't a guy who's all that interested in you. Be with someone who's excited about being with you, who doesn't push your buttons two months into the relationship.

[h57zf]

Honestly, even in a friendship I consider cheapness a red flag. I had a co-worker who was quite stingy - as in every time we'd go out for dinner or even just drinks after work, he'd always have to take a 30-minute phone call near the end, and then promise to pay us back later. This went on for a few months before someone finally stood up to him and called him on it. And that wasn't even the tip of the iceberg with regards to his stinginess.

 

If you shouldn't be cheap with your work colleagues, then you certainly shouldn't be cheap with your girlfriend.

[jen1447]

Honestly, even in a friendship I consider cheapness a red flag. I had a co-worker who was quite stingy - as in every time we'd go out for dinner or even just drinks after work, he'd always have to take a 30-minute phone call near the end, and then promise to pay us back later. This went on for a few months before someone finally stood up to him and called him on it. And that wasn't even the tip of the iceberg with regards to his stinginess.

 

If you shouldn't be cheap with your work colleagues, then you certainly shouldn't be cheap with your girlfriend.

 

^ Truth - there's def a type whose strategy seems to be to get thru life by reducing their margins this way. tbh, OP's guy kinda sounds like that, what with the harping on the "are you sure you don't mind that I punked you?" stuff rather than just making it right.

[losangelena]

^ Truth - there's def a type whose strategy seems to be to get thru life by reducing their margins this way. tbh, OP's guy kinda sounds like that, what with the harping on the "are you sure you don't mind that I punked you?" stuff rather than just making it right.

 

I agree, I know some folks like this.

 

OP missed an opportunity to say something, though. Like either, "cough up," or "goodbye."

[h57zf]

^ Truth - there's def a type whose strategy seems to be to get thru life by reducing their margins this way. tbh, OP's guy kinda sounds like that, what with the harping on the "are you sure you don't mind that I punked you?" stuff rather than just making it right.

 

There are some people who do it on a small scale and that's OK, IMHO. Say for instance you cook dinner at home rather than going out. That would be fine.

 

There's a difference between a person who is a no-frills, efficient person, and someone who is an out-right cheapskate.

 

For instance, the guy I mentioned has half his rent paid for by the company. But he'll often sleep at the office so that he can rent out his studio to backpackers for the night. He pinches toilet paper from the company washroom and sugar from the company break room too, and once demanded to see the manager of a KFC because he didn't want to pay the equivalent of 10 American cents for extra ketchup.

 

Amazingly he still manages to go out on quite a few dates. However, he even admits he's only going because he can get "free meals" and possibly a one night stand.

[strawberryshortstack]

I started dating a guy a couple months back, we are in a LDR- he moved out of town a few weeks after we met to go back to his hometown for a job promotion. It is a 2-hour flight away and he is living with his family. We are not yet "official" and they don't know about me, so him visiting me is how we meet up.

 

My issue is this. He makes a lot of money, more than me, but he hardly ever pays for me. He has not once bought me dinner but I have bought him dinner a couple of times on nice occasions because I like to treat people.

 

Since moving away he has come to visit me once which was last weekend. He was able to use flying points on the flights which meant he didn't have to pay that much, but nevertheless I wanted to buy him dinner after his arrival last Friday to thank him for making an effort to come see me. He accepted and said "tomorrow is on me".

 

The next morning I went out to buy him breakfast when he was still sleeping, as well as some food during the day. When we went to dinner, he didn't pay for me like he had said he would. He gingerly brought up the issue of how we pay (before we had even seen the check) - whether to treat me or not, to which I said "Pay how you feel most comfortable paying", to which he responded "let's pay half and half then". I didn't show it but this reaction made me feel upset.

 

However, afterwards he asked me a few times if I was ok with paying my half of the check; perhaps he detected that I was a little sad. But I still didn't reveal my feelings on it. He bought me a drink at a bar anyway and insisted on paying for both of us then, which really didn't make up for anything and I wanted to just split the check again but he insisted.

 

Now since I am someone who does like to treat people now and again, I feel that this guy and I are on different wavelengths. He doesn't take this initiative and doesn't share this generous attitude towards people. Should I bring this up, or just refuse to go to any nice restaurants with him in the future (which might give him the hint?!)

 

Thank you for reading

 

Two points:

 

1. He is paying for the flight out to see you. (or is he? you never said, so I made an assumption). I think this should buy him some leeway.

 

2. When he asked you if you were okay with paying your half of the check, you should have been truthful and open about your feelings. You can't say "It's fine, I'm fine, everything's fine." and then get upset because it's not fine. Relationships take communication - even for the bad stuff.

 

 

But keep this in mind: just because he makes more than you do doesn't mean he's obligated to pay for everything. I'm dating a man who makes way more than I do. He's a therapist, I'm a shift manager at a fast food restaurant, making just a hair over minimum wage - he paid for the first two dates, and now we split the check for the most part. Sometimes it's a little unbalanced - if we go to dinner and a movie, he pays for the movie and then we split dinner - but it keeps either one of us from feeling taken advantage of.

 

ETA: The fact that he promised to pay and then didn't is a little concerning, but as a one time thing, I'd overlook it. If it becomes a habit, it's definitely a topic to approach with him.

Edited December 8, 2015 by shystrawberry

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If I didn't see much more in him I would be more encouraged to do this, but there are a few things about him that I do really like which make me want to pursue this a little more. I'm just wondering how to bring up this issue since it really is starting to upset me :-/

 

Only a few things you like about him? That doesn't sound worth all the hassle. Not when you could meet a local guy with lots of things going for him, including a generous spirit like your own.

 

But I have to say that another thing is that he doesn't really appreciate the things I do for him very much; instead of being grateful for me going out and buying him breakfast to give him breakfast in bed he later criticised me half-jokingly for getting him up to stop his coffee getting cold, but I didn't wake him up since he was already awake...agh I have to watch this one closely

 

So he is also critical as well.. great!

 

If you want to bring up the issue, maybe phrase it like, "I didn't feel comfortable talking about splitting up the bill that night, but the night before you offered to pay so I was wondering why you changed your mind? If it is a money issue, perhaps we could go somewhere less expensive in future."

 

In all seriousness though, you are getting some red flags you shouldn't ignore so keep your dating options open.

[beernamerica]

He probably doesnt realize it or appreciate you. I would eventually speak up, i don't think its fair of him to do that.

[Sweeetie]

In answer to a few confusions, I am going out of the country with my family for Christmas and New Year which he knows about, but even if I was here, we are not an official couple yet so that might be quite a stretch to expect him to see me at a family time.

 

I do admit that I should have voiced my feelings over him not paying when he did ask me a few times; I guess I just thought it too late since I was shown who we was by that stage so no "after-talk" would really change anything.

 

I am though a little concerned at how he doesn't seem too bothered about when he's next coming to visit; at this stage one would expect that he would have some idea of around what time he wants to come. I'll see if he speaks anymore about this the net time we talk.

Edited December 8, 2015 by Sweeetie

[strawberryshortstack]

Two points:

 

1. He is paying for the flight out to see you. (or is he? you never said, so I made an assumption). I think this should buy him some leeway.

 

Sorry, I guess I didn't fully read your original post. Even if he used points to pay for the flight, travel is annoying and the fact that he's willing to do this to come see you means that he is putting in the effort and I still feel that you should cut him some slack. And learn to speak up!

[Els]

Money issues aside, he also said at the end of the weekend when I asked him that he's unsure about whether he wants an actual relationship with me and hasn't thought about when he will next visit; just that it'll be "sometime in the new year". He has been texting me since going back home though and wants to have a phone chat this week; he promised to call me more when I told him that our communication in-between visits currently isn't enough for me.

 

This sounds a LOT more like a dealbreaker than the issue you posted about at the start.

 

Honestly, I think you should just cut your losses with this one. You're meh about him, you're not even in an actual relationship just yet because he 'can't make up his mind', and you're long distance. Even one of those factors could plausibly be a dealbreaker at this stage, and you have ALL of them.

 

That being said, for future reference I also think you are being a little unappreciative of someone traveling just to see you. It's not JUST about the travel money (and airpoints are money because he can use them to pay for other flights), it's also about the time and inconvenience. A 2 hour flight (4 hour return) takes close to 8 hours to complete unless you both live close to the airport. At an average pay grade, 8 hours + ticket is worth (a lot!) more than a couple of meals, unless you had really expensive meals. He shouldn't have promised to get the next one when he wasn't intending to, but I still think it was a bit nitpicky of you to complain about a couple of meals when he spent all that time traveling JUST to see you.

Edited December 8, 2015 by Elswyth

[bathtub-row]

Texting and a phone chat here and there? Really? This guy is so blasé about you it's unreal. If I were you, I'd just let it fizzle on its own accord and start dating other people. If he rears his head at some point, just let him know that you're no longer interested in continuing.

 

As I said before, LDR's are challenging enough with established relationships. What you have with this guy is something just beyond howdie-do and there is nothing there to sustain it. My guess is, he's just waiting until he meets someone new before he drops the bomb.

[Gaeta]

This man is a big waste of your time. He didn't treat you because he has no intention of making you his girlfriend.

 

He's unappreciative of things you do for him

He keeps you a secret

His communication is sporadic

 

Use your time away during the holidays to get over him. Come back and start looking for a nice Local man.

[dobielover]

How do you manage to use the word "always" when you're basically talking about one meal? One visit, one meal?

[RedRobin]

My bigger problem would be that he doesn't do what he says he will do....and isn't appreciative...and doesn't reciprocate. That's the definition of a liar and a taker.

 

I have no problems with men who want a reciprocal financial situation with me, because I expect reciprocation in other areas of life.

[road]

I just read the first page and the last one. Based on the first page and the way he is cheap dump him.

 

 

Based on the last page why have you not dumped him.

[Lois_Griffin]

There is a positive sign in all this though and that's the fact that after Saturday's dinner when we went to a bar for drinks, this guy asked me about 5 times whether I was OK paying for my half of the dinner. I didn't reveal my hurt but something in my demeanour must have given him a subtle sign which provoked recurrent questioning about this. Previous boyfriends of mine never detected when I was hurt about something.

It's NOT a positive sign at all.

 

He knew DAMNED well he'd promised 24 hours before that dinner was on HIM the next night. And when he had a chance to be a man of his word, he reverted right back to being a stingy little weasel because he knows you lack the courage to stand up for yourself. He took advantage of it and used his usual stingy method of splitting the bill.

 

He got what he wanted or he would have done what he'd promised to do.

 

His fake 'concern' that you were upset - only AFTER you paid your half of the bill - was just a bunch of cheap lip service designed to make himself look like Mr. Sensitivity. Come on, it doesn't cost his cheap ass a DIME to pretend he's all concerned about your feelings, right? And his subsequent generosity - buying you a $7 conciliatory drink - was ALMOST as good as picking up the tab for dinner...right?

 

Loser.

 

Do yourself a HUGE favor and pick up the "Why Men Love Bitches" book. It's a real good lesson on making sure you're not giving someone 110% while you're rarely getting back 40%.

 

And then dump this loser.

[Heatherknows]

 

My issue is this. He makes a lot of money, more than me, but he hardly ever pays for me. He has not once bought me dinner but I have bought him dinner a couple of times on nice occasions because I like to treat people.

 

 

Dump him.

 

That is all.