Mr.D.E.B.T. Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 If you're still thinking about dating this guy, this issue must not be a major issue to you, more like an annoyance. I'm not going to bash the guy for his dating habits or paying habits, though I wouldn't have done that when I was dating, but the real question is how much does it really matter to you. If you are willing to accept that this you could end up in a relationship with a guy with these financial habits, keep dating him. However, if you know in your heart this issue is way to big for you to overcome, move on. 1
Lily blue Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I'm sure you told us before your boyfriend drove truck hauling fuel? No? No.where? He is top senior excutive CFO at big hospital. Been working there 21 years. He never told me how much he makes. I saw it when we are doing taxes last year.
Author Sweeetie Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 You really missed your chance when he asked about paying. You should have reminded him he'd said it was on him. Hell, don't carry any money on you next time! . Perhaps I am not someone who tells someone to pay for me. He asked, and I told him to do what he feels most comfortable with. His response might have hurt, but it revealed his true colors. He DID offer to pay for dinner. 'It's on me' means just that. What difference does it make if he offered to? He didn't do it!
Versacehottie Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Thank you for your thorough post, this is exactly it. But on the first night he didn't offer to pay for me - he just offered to pay his half which I would not take. His flights were largely free due to him using air miles- they cost less than the price of one of the dinners of the weekend and I spent a lot more from my pocket this weekend than he had to pay to come see me. I do agree that he is taking financial advantage of me and it is a massive turnoff. I live in the capital city and who wouldn't want to spend a weekend here at Christmas with free accommodation, being shown the pretty sights and spoiled rotten at the top restaurants? The more I think about these things the more discouraged I feel to see him again. Oh yeah i understood that. He offered to pay the following night though as payback for you paying the entire thing the first night, right? Which he then did NOT follow through with, which is pretty lame if you ask me. That's the offer I was speaking of--the one to "get you back the next time, ie the next night". I do that with my friends all the time--and we follow through. Yes agreed about the free-ish flight and cost of the weekend. I hope you are not keeping score--I didn't get that vibe from you. Because if a generous guy came to see me under those circumstances, would you even think of the food you purchased to stock the apt etc? (I wouldn't, that is just the cost of having a guest and being a good host). But yeah I didn't get that vibe from you. I got the vibe that you are only knowing the score BECAUSE he is trying to be stingy and contribute as little as possible and take you for granted. I am discouraged for you. To me, it's a no brainer. Not only because of the $$$ stuff. Good luck 2
Author Sweeetie Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Sweetie it is us, not them. I'm saying that because after reading this post I recognize myself. I've always done more of the treating, even when I dated a man 2 decades older than me, I was the provider. Even with my current BF I paid for so many things for both of us that I haven't even enjoyed - just to make him happy Men sense women like us and speculate. Same men that I've dated haven't done this with other gfs/dates, because they haven't offered... I feel like people speculate with generosity so much.WE need to change the vibe that we give, I'm pretty sure it is within us It's nice to see someone else in my position. We might have to cut down on how much we display our generosity, but only for those that are mean-minded with this kind of thing. I believe that a good man will feel attracted to a good nature without taking advantage of it.
jen1447 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 If I didn't see much more in him I would be more encouraged to do this, but there are a few things about him that I do really like which make me want to pursue this a little more. I'm just wondering how to bring up this issue since it really is starting to upset me :-/ But I have to say that another thing is that he doesn't really appreciate the things I do for him very much; instead of being grateful for me going out and buying him breakfast to give him breakfast in bed he later criticised me half-jokingly for getting him up to stop his coffee getting cold, but I didn't wake him up since he was already awake...agh I have to watch this one closely These are omens of a permanent values war between you two. Does that sound like a fun future? Not everyone thinks the same about everything and that's fine, but the whole screening process in dating serves a valuable purpose and in this case it's telling both of you to look elsewhere. 8
Versacehottie Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 These are omens of a permanent values war between you two. Does that sound like a fun future? Not everyone thinks the same about everything and that's fine, but the whole screening process in dating serves a valuable purpose and in this case it's telling both of you to look elsewhere. Wow, can we just use this quote every time a couple on this site is totally incompatible for whatever reason!!! 2
Standard-Fare Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 A couple people here have suggested that his financial situation may not be exactly what you think, and he may be embarrassed about that. It's worth considering that possibility. Paying for a flight via air miles could also mean using a family member's air miles. I also remember once lying about "using air miles" for a very expensive flight to visit a potential romantic interest. Frankly I was embarrassed at how much I was spending to make the visit happen, and I didn't want that person to feel bad about it, or read it as desperation. Really just playing devil's advocate here though. If you have enough evidence that he's just being stingy for no valid reason, and you don't like that, it's worth a conversation with him.
Author Sweeetie Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Oh yeah i understood that. He offered to pay the following night though as payback for you paying the entire thing the first night, right? Which he then did NOT follow through with, which is pretty lame if you ask me. That's the offer I was speaking of--the one to "get you back the next time, ie the next night". I do that with my friends all the time--and we follow through. Yes agreed about the free-ish flight and cost of the weekend. I hope you are not keeping score--I didn't get that vibe from you. Because if a generous guy came to see me under those circumstances, would you even think of the food you purchased to stock the apt etc? (I wouldn't, that is just the cost of having a guest and being a good host). But yeah I didn't get that vibe from you. I got the vibe that you are only knowing the score BECAUSE he is trying to be stingy and contribute as little as possible and take you for granted. I am discouraged for you. To me, it's a no brainer. Not only because of the $$$ stuff. Good luck You didn't get that vibe from me for a reason; if I was someone who keeps score I wouldn't be the one who paid the most in the 2 past relationships that I have had thus far! You're right in thinking that the only reason I am analysing the cost of this weekend in this way is to show myself whether I am overreacting or not. There is a positive sign in all this though and that's the fact that after Saturday's dinner when we went to a bar for drinks, this guy asked me about 5 times whether I was OK paying for my half of the dinner. I didn't reveal my hurt but something in my demeanour must have given him a subtle sign which provoked recurrent questioning about this. Previous boyfriends of mine never detected when I was hurt about something. 1
smackie9 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 What would solve this whole deal is honest communication. Guys are NOT mind readers....I repeat, GUYS ARE NOT MIND READERS. 6
Author Sweeetie Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 A couple people here have suggested that his financial situation may not be exactly what you think, and he may be embarrassed about that. It's worth considering that possibility. Paying for a flight via air miles could also mean using a family member's air miles. I also remember once lying about "using air miles" for a very expensive flight to visit a potential romantic interest. Frankly I was embarrassed at how much I was spending to make the visit happen, and I didn't want that person to feel bad about it, or read it as desperation. Oh no I know for a fact that he did use air miles since he swapped a previous flight plan to one where he could use a lot of air miles. This gave him a shorter weekend with me but meh he saved money I don't get the vibe that he has financial difficulties due to him looking into buying his own apartment and also bragging to me before he moved out of town that his job promotion comes with a big pay rise
katiegrl Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I started dating a guy a couple months back, we are in a LDR- he moved out of town a few weeks after we met to go back to his hometown for a job promotion. It is a 2-hour flight away and he is living with his family. We are not yet "official" and they don't know about me, so him visiting me is how we meet up. My issue is this. He makes a lot of money, more than me, but he hardly ever pays for me. He has not once bought me dinner but I have bought him dinner a couple of times on nice occasions because I like to treat people. Since moving away he has come to visit me once which was last weekend. He was able to use flying points on the flights which meant he didn't have to pay that much, but nevertheless I wanted to buy him dinner after his arrival last Friday to thank him for making an effort to come see me. He accepted and said "tomorrow is on me". The next morning I went out to buy him breakfast when he was still sleeping, as well as some food during the day. When we went to dinner, he didn't pay for me like he had said he would. He gingerly brought up the issue of how we pay (before we had even seen the check) - whether to treat me or not, to which I said "Pay how you feel most comfortable paying", to which he responded "let's pay half and half then". I didn't show it but this reaction made me feel upset. ----- ******However, afterwards he asked me a few times if I was ok with paying my half of the check; perhaps he detected that I was a little sad. **But I still didn't reveal my feelings on it. *** He bought me a drink at a bar anyway and insisted on paying for both of us then, which really didn't make up for anything and I wanted to just split the check again but he insisted. Sweetie..... ^^^^you say you don't know how to bring it up.....you had the perfect opportunity right there! Why on earth didn't you tell him the truth? You keep paying for him, treating him. When you don't , he insists in splitting. He asked you flat out if you were okay with this.....and you tell him yes? And now you come here complaining? Can you explain your rationale for not being honest with him when he asked? I am not understanding. In any event, the way you bring it up now is by reminding him of your convo wherein he asked if you were okay with it, and you said you were. Tell him you were not being honest, that you are not okay with it, and explain why ...saying exactly what you have explained here.... Not in an accusatory way ....but in an honest way! Your reasons are valid! How do you expect to have a close, honest, intimate relationship if you're not honest about your feelings and don't communicate? Especially when he asked? 4
Shining One Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 It sounds like you're a generous/giving person who is looking for another generous/giving person. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm a man and if a woman isn't demonstrating her generosity with me, then she gets replaced. 1
No_Go Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Well common courtesy is NOT mind-reading Not everybody is comfortable to beg to be treated What would solve this whole deal is honest communication. Guys are NOT mind readers....I repeat, GUYS ARE NOT MIND READERS.
Author Sweeetie Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Sweetie..... ^^^^you say you don't know how to bring it up.....you had the perfect opportunity right there! Why on earth didn't you tell him the truth? You keep paying for him, treating him. When you don't , he insists in splitting. He asked you flat out if you were okay with this.....and you tell him yes? And now you come here complaining? Can you explain your rationale for not being honest with him when he asked? I am not understanding. In any event, the way you bring it up now is by reminding him of your convo wherein he asked if you were okay with it, and you said you were. Tell him you were not being honest, that you are not okay with it, and explain why ...saying exactly what you have explained here.... Not in an accusatory way ....but in an honest way! Your reasons are valid! How do you expect to have a close, honest, intimate relationship if you're not honest about your feelings and don't communicate? Especially when he asked? You're right. I just didn't want to ruin the evening., especially when he flew to my hometown to visit me in the hope of a nice weekend. Plus one could argue that this person seems to be all talk and no action; he might say flowery things like "I'll treat you next time" and "Are you sure that was ok paying that much" but when it comes to the crunch he doesn't do anything. It's like punching someone and then saying "I hope that didn't hurt too much."
No_Go Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Don't you think is more then a coincidence that we had each at least 3 men that speculated with our generosity? With my current BF I just stopped offering anything that involves going out and paying... Passive aggressive basically but I wasn't comfortable with direct confrontation for something obvious. He got the idea. I'm all about treating the other... But apparently people read it as a sign to take me for granted. That EXTENDS occasionally beyond dates - like friends, family etc. And when I dared to ask why: I received "because I thought that makes you happy"??? (Never to be reciprocated?) "Because you reached fast for your wallet"??? (Yeah, I should have left the check alone, etc. My goal is to decompose the problem, can't be fixed without understanding it. It's nice to see someone else in my position. We might have to cut down on how much we display our generosity, but only for those that are mean-minded with this kind of thing. I believe that a good man will feel attracted to a good nature without taking advantage of it. 1
Author Sweeetie Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 (edited) Why aren't you being honest with him? He's cheap. You feel undervalued. If you don't tell him now this isn't likely to get better, only worse. He makes good money. He lives with his parents. He visits you. He's buying a place... Is dating in his budget? If he doesn't expect to spend money on seeing you yet shows up, stays for free at your place and gets sex all for paying for his own meals - what's in it for you? How old is he? Not paying for his own meals- most of what he ate this weekend was on me. He's 25 and I'm 26. Money issues aside, he also said at the end of the weekend when I asked him that he's unsure about whether he wants an actual relationship with me and hasn't thought about when he will next visit; just that it'll be "sometime in the new year". He has been texting me since going back home though and wants to have a phone chat this week; he promised to call me more when I told him that our communication in-between visits currently isn't enough for me. Will see how it goes. Edited December 8, 2015 by Sweeetie
katiegrl Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 You're right. I just didn't want to ruin the evening., especially when he flew to my hometown to visit me in the hope of a nice weekend. Plus one could argue that this person seems to be all talk and no action; he might say flowery things like "I'll treat you next time" and "Are you sure that was ok paying that much" but when it comes to the crunch he doesn't do anything. It's like punching someone and then saying "I hope that didn't hurt too much." What makes you think you would have *ruined* the evening? He asked! There IS a way to discuss these things without sounding accusatory and causing an argument. In fact, having that honest discussion may have brought you closer! He most likely now thinks you *prefer* paying or splitting, some women are uncomfortable having a man pay for them...believe it ir not. And since he brought it up and asked, there is even a possibility HE feels uncomfortable with splitting....which is why he brought it up! IMO you need to talk to him....be honest...be REAL. How will he ever learn to trust you if you're not honest and hide your true feelings....for fear of *ruining* things? Makes no sense.
No_Go Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Oh please, he either has a memory disorder (to forget his promise from last night) or is an user playing games. Op just didn't follow his BS You really missed your chance when he asked about paying. You should have reminded him he'd said it was on him. Hell, don't carry any money on you next time! Start calling him on his BS, or go ahead and dump him. 2
Author Sweeetie Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Don't you think is more then a coincidence that we had each at least 3 men that speculated with our generosity? With my current BF I just stopped offering anything that involves going out and paying... Passive aggressive basically but I wasn't comfortable with direct confrontation for something obvious. He got the idea. I'm all about treating the other... But apparently people read it as a sign to take me for granted. That EXTENDS occasionally beyond dates - like friends, family etc. And when I dared to ask why: I received "because I thought that makes you happy"??? (Never to be reciprocated?) "Because you reached fast for your wallet"??? (Yeah, I should have left the check alone, etc. My goal is to decompose the problem, can't be fixed without understanding it. That's exactly what I'm going to do; stop offering to take him to this place or that place; it's just a bit hard when you've got someone visiting your city! I will just take him to McDonalds next time 1
OldRover Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Not paying for his own meals- most of what he ate this weekend was on me. He's 25 and I'm 26. Money issues aside, he also said at the end of the weekend when I asked him that he's unsure about whether he wants an actual relationship with me and hasn't thought about when he will next visit; just that it'll be "sometime in the new year". He has been texting me since going back home though and wants to have a phone chat this week; he promised to call me more when I told him that our communication in-between visits currently isn't enough for me. Will see how it goes. Stay with him and work on this. Be honest and communicate with him. You are still both young and sounds like a rather new relationship that just needs a little work. If things work out, do you plan to move closer to him? That would be more of a deal breaker than who's paying for dinner.
katiegrl Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 You shouldn't have to beg a guy to DO more! I wouldn't waste one more second thinking he's worthy of dating. Married men look like this. Are you sure he isn't married? He won't even tell you when he will see you next - and you have to tell him to call more. This isn't likely to work. He's just not that into you. Next... St B, we usually agree, but gotta disagree with you here. Begging? He asked her if she was okay with splitting....and she lied and said yes! Since when is being honest and telling him the truth ....considered begging? 1
Author Sweeetie Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 If things work out, do you plan to move closer to him? That would be more of a deal breaker than who's paying for dinner. Well I don't think that one would think so far ahead at this stage when a man is demonstrating his lack of basic qualities!
losangelena Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I'd say ... Yeah, you probably could've said something when he'd asked. I understand what you're saying in terms of simply observing what he does, but if you're even remotely thinking of having an ongoing relationship with this guy (which it really doesn't sound like you are), honest communication is kind of the bedrock. Even subjects that feel petty and awkward are worth bringing up, because otherwise resentment can set in, which is sounds like it has, since this thread exists. But, I would also be annoyed/disturbed by someone saying, "I'll get the next one," and then not doing it. That's a red flag because you never know when that might happen again. If you're being generous to him and treating him in the hopes that he'll do the same, that's a very bad reason. If you were simply, truly giving out of kindness and generosity, I don't think you'd be feeling the way you do now. I don't say to accuse you, that's just my observation. So I think in this case you should pull way back in what you're willing to give so that you don't feel that imbalance. Besides, wouldn't saying something about it be preferable to avoiding fancy restaurants from now on? 2
Author Sweeetie Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 (edited) Why doesn't his family know he's dating you? Where did he say he was going when he left last weekend? I asked him the second question. He told his family that he was going to "visit someone this weekend" to which they asked if it was a girl and he said "maybe". Honestly the guy doesn't even know when he is next coming and isn't taking it very seriously, still unsure about a relationship and wants to talk "on his next visit" about where we stand on the official level; we are clearly on such different wavelengths that it might just be time to throw in the towel. Edited December 8, 2015 by Sweeetie
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