Guy I'm dating always wants to split the check

[Sweeetie]

I started dating a guy a couple months back, we are in a LDR- he moved out of town a few weeks after we met to go back to his hometown for a job promotion. It is a 2-hour flight away and he is living with his family. We are not yet "official" and they don't know about me, so him visiting me is how we meet up.

 

My issue is this. He makes a lot of money, more than me, but he hardly ever pays for me. He has not once bought me dinner but I have bought him dinner a couple of times on nice occasions because I like to treat people.

 

Since moving away he has come to visit me once which was last weekend. He was able to use flying points on the flights which meant he didn't have to pay that much, but nevertheless I wanted to buy him dinner after his arrival last Friday to thank him for making an effort to come see me. He accepted and said "tomorrow is on me".

 

The next morning I went out to buy him breakfast when he was still sleeping, as well as some food during the day. When we went to dinner, he didn't pay for me like he had said he would. He gingerly brought up the issue of how we pay (before we had even seen the check) - whether to treat me or not, to which I said "Pay how you feel most comfortable paying", to which he responded "let's pay half and half then". I didn't show it but this reaction made me feel upset.

 

However, afterwards he asked me a few times if I was ok with paying my half of the check; perhaps he detected that I was a little sad. But I still didn't reveal my feelings on it. He bought me a drink at a bar anyway and insisted on paying for both of us then, which really didn't make up for anything and I wanted to just split the check again but he insisted.

 

Now since I am someone who does like to treat people now and again, I feel that this guy and I are on different wavelengths. He doesn't take this initiative and doesn't share this generous attitude towards people. Should I bring this up, or just refuse to go to any nice restaurants with him in the future (which might give him the hint?!)

 

Thank you for reading

Edited December 8, 2015 by Sweeetie

[Lily blue]

Wow...he is cheap I mean really cheap and has no manner or how to treat a woman.

 

My boyfriend of 15 months he too makes a lot of money top excutive job earns almost quarter of million a year and he always pays for dinner or lunch and if I try to pay, he gets upsad and when we go shopping...we go shopping every weekend. He likes to shop and look around.

If I need my own stuff I put in the basket but again he pays everything too

Don't matter what it is he pays and ask anything else you need or want?

 

I want to buy something for his mom so we went shopping I pick out few things for his mom again he pays..I say I want yo buy for her he you did. I paid but you picked out so you bought it.

He won't let me pay for anything so now days, I go shop alone or online that way I can pay.

He even pays my airplane tickets and gives me his credit card to spend when I go see my kids in different state so I don't spend my money.

When guy makes good money and he really care, he spend money.

My boyfriend is not perfect and he can be cheap too but cheap to him self...he rarely buy things for him self but buys for me all the time.

 

I think if he is that cheap and act like that dating, he won't change much later either and you guys will fight over money all the time.

I think you should really talk or say you forgot your wallet.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You're right, you guys are on very different wavelengths. It will only frustrate you more over time. I wouldn't even bother bringing it up. Since it isn't official yet, and is also long distance, I would just end it now and find someone more compatible with similar values.

[Sweeetie]

You're right' date=' you guys are on very different wavelengths. It will only frustrate you more over time. I wouldn't even bother bringing it up. Since it isn't official yet, and is also long distance, I would just end it now and find someone more compatible with similar values.[/quote']

 

If I didn't see much more in him I would be more encouraged to do this, but there are a few things about him that I do really like which make me want to pursue this a little more. I'm just wondering how to bring up this issue since it really is starting to upset me :-/

 

But I have to say that another thing is that he doesn't really appreciate the things I do for him very much; instead of being grateful for me going out and buying him breakfast to give him breakfast in bed he later criticised me half-jokingly for getting him up to stop his coffee getting cold, but I didn't wake him up since he was already awake...agh I have to watch this one closely

Edited December 8, 2015 by Sweeetie

[bathtub-row]

It's hard enough to maintain a relationship LDR, but you've got a new relationship and this stingy personality to deal with on top of it. You're wasting your time on this guy.

 

I say this to women all the time -- do not date a guy who doesn't pay for dates. This is a bad sign all the way around. I have no idea why you're even with this guy or why you think this nonsense is ok. Raise the bar on your expectations.

[Sweeetie]

I have no idea why you're even with this guy or why you think this nonsense is ok. Raise the bar on your expectations.

 

I am with him because there are a few things about him that I do like very much, things which I haven't experienced that much in previous relationships. Perhaps he just doesn't realise how his behaviour in this area is hurting me. I would find it awkward to have the "why do you never pay for me" chat since it's not in my nature to tell someone to treat me; I just wish he would take more initiative.

 

Perhaps he just doesn't see the value in doing things for others and hence doesn't show appreciation when I do something nice for him...ingratitude is a deal-breaker for me and since he hasn't booked his flights yet for his next visit (and isn't even thinking about when he wants to come next - just said "in the new year") I am going to have a think about whether I really do want to see him again.

[stillafool]

Drop him Sweetie, you can do better. He doesn't value you.

[Els]

Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't you have this exact same issue with your last guy?? I mean, if it's really important to you that you're with a guy who wants to treat you, then stand up for that and stop dating similar guys. Don't date someone and try to change him.

 

Personally I would agree with you given normal circumstances, but as this guy took a 2-hour flight to come see you, I would personally cut him a lot of slack in that department.

[Redfisher]

Wow...he is cheap I mean really cheap and has no manner or how to treat a woman.

 

My boyfriend of 15 months he too makes a lot of money top excutive job earns almost quarter of million a year and he always pays for dinner or lunch and if I try to pay, he gets upsad and when we go shopping...we go shopping every weekend. He likes to shop and look around.

If I need my own stuff I put in the basket but again he pays everything too

Don't matter what it is he pays and ask anything else you need or want?

 

I want to buy something for his mom so we went shopping I pick out few things for his mom again he pays..I say I want yo buy for her he you did. I paid but you picked out so you bought it.

He won't let me pay for anything so now days, I go shop alone or online that way I can pay.

He even pays my airplane tickets and gives me his credit card to spend when I go see my kids in different state so I don't spend my money.

When guy makes good money and he really care, he spend money.

My boyfriend is not perfect and he can be cheap too but cheap to him self...he rarely buy things for him self but buys for me all the time.

 

I think if he is that cheap and act like that dating, he won't change much later either and you guys will fight over money all the time.

I think you should really talk or say you forgot your wallet.

 

I'm sure you told us before your boyfriend drove truck hauling fuel? No?

[d0nnivain]

I agree that stingy describes him better than cheap. I was going to ask what you know about his financial situation but you said he has money / income

 

 

I do think this relationship has no future because you have different attitudes about money but if you have any hope of saving the relationship you are going to have to talk to him. Explain that it hurts your feelings when he doesn't treat you, especially because you have paid for him. It's really not about the cash but about being generous of spirit & wanting to care for the other person. See what he says. Maybe he has huge debt / past medical bills or something you don't know about.

[Sweeetie]

Explain that it hurts your feelings when he doesn't treat you, especially because you have paid for him. It's really not about the cash but about being generous of spirit & wanting to care for the other person. See what he says. Maybe he has huge debt / past medical bills or something you don't know about.

 

These are my thoughts exactly. It would probably be best to just talk to him about it, but I am at a stage of my life where instead of telling people what they should and shouldn't do for me I just want to observe who they are and not make them do things that are not coming from them. I either accept them as they are or I decide that they don't belong in my life. Care can't be forced.

 

I will think about what to do in this case especially considering that this guy is not only stingey but he also does not appreciate the nice little things I do for him. Both things together are really putting me off.

[Standard-Fare]

I'm surprised by the responses to this thread. It's almost 2016. Aren't we past that "Man has to pay for woman" double standard?

 

P.S. I'm a woman, and yes I can appreciate the chivalry of a man paying, but I don't think it should be expected as a "given." And I don't think going Dutch should be considered a dealbreaker with an otherwise good guy.

 

Real cause for concern would be if he was repeatedly allowing YOU to pay for him and showing no interest in reimbursing you.

 

I say cut the guy some slack. If he's living with his parents, how loaded could he be? Plus he's spending the money to travel to you.

[stillafool]

 

My boyfriend of 15 months he too makes a lot of money top excutive job earns almost quarter of million a year and he always pays for dinner or lunch

 

.

 

Well I sincerely hope so.

[d0nnivain]

I'm surprised by the responses to this thread. It's almost 2016. Aren't we past that "Man has to pay for woman" double standard?

 

Real cause for concern would be if he was repeatedly allowing YOU to pay for him and showing no interest in reimbursing you.

 

I say cut the guy some slack. If he's living with his parents, how loaded could he be? Plus he's spending the money to travel to you.

 

 

But she has paid for him yet he's never reciprocated. Yes, travel should be accounted for. Plus after she bought him breakfast, spent money to put groceries in her house, presumably used her gas to drive them to the restaurant, when he brought up the bill split & she said whatever makes you comfortable, he still chose to split the bill. Hence, in every aspect he's not giving as much as she is.

[Cherryz]

Why you still with him?

Why you keep buy him stuff?

 

I can only think that guys like that only with you for some things they need. Maybe companion or so.

So they just dont waste a peny on you.

 

Beside i dont think its something he will change soon or easily. So leave!

[Sweeetie]

I'm surprised by the responses to this thread. It's almost 2016. Aren't we past that "Man has to pay for woman" double standard?

 

P.S. I'm a woman, and yes I can appreciate the chivalry of a man paying, but I don't think it should be expected as a "given." And I don't think going Dutch should be considered a dealbreaker with an otherwise good guy.

 

Real cause for concern would be if he was repeatedly allowing YOU to pay for him and showing no interest in reimbursing you.

 

I say cut the guy some slack. If he's living with his parents, how loaded could he be? Plus he's spending the money to travel to you.

 

I don't know if I have made myself clear but I am not someone who is a gold-digger and wants to be treated to every meal. I have always been someone that likes to treat people and make them happy. My 2nd boyfriend was working in a good job while I was still a student and I paid for both of us 70% of the time. He didn't appreciate me either but he had mental issues so it was a slightly different case.

 

The point that I am trying to make here is that so far in this unofficial relationship, I have been the one to do most of the treating. This guy even made an empty promise to buy me dinner last weekend which he didn't follow through with. A giver and a taker do not make a good match, especially a blind taker. That's why I am reconsidering things with him.

[Cherryz]

Ldr?????? !!! so all those days weeks months you had to save money

for this one little weekend with your girl you still not spent on her?

 

Girl bye. Run! Before kids come in this and you find yourself fighting also about money to feed his kids!

[Sweeetie]

If he's living with his parents, how loaded could he be? Plus he's spending the money to travel to you.

 

Oh he is looking to buy his own place now that he's starting a new life in that town, house-hunting all the time. His flights didn't cost him much since he uses flying miles to pay for them. His flights cost [less] than one of the dinners we had together last weekend.

Edited December 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarify

[Redhead14]

I started dating a guy a couple months back, we are in a LDR- he moved out of town a few weeks after we met to go back to his hometown for a job promotion. It is a 2-hour flight away and he is living with his family. We are not yet "official" and they don't know about me, so him visiting me is how we meet up.

 

My issue is this. He makes a lot of money, more than me, but he hardly ever pays for me. He has not once bought me dinner but I have bought him dinner a couple of times on nice occasions because I like to treat people.

 

Since moving away he has come to visit me once which was last weekend. He was able to use flying points on the flights which meant he didn't have to pay that much, but nevertheless I wanted to buy him dinner after his arrival last Friday to thank him for making an effort to come see me. He accepted and said "tomorrow is on me".

 

The next morning I went out to buy him breakfast when he was still sleeping, as well as some food during the day. When we went to dinner, he didn't pay for me like he had said he would. He gingerly brought up the issue of how we pay (before we had even seen the check) - whether to treat me or not, to which I said "Pay how you feel most comfortable paying", to which he responded "let's pay half and half then". I didn't show it but this reaction made me feel upset.

 

However, afterwards he asked me a few times if I was ok with paying my half of the check; perhaps he detected that I was a little sad. But I still didn't reveal my feelings on it. He bought me a drink at a bar anyway and insisted on paying for both of us then, which really didn't make up for anything and I wanted to just split the check again but he insisted.

 

Now since I am someone who does like to treat people now and again, I feel that this guy and I are on different wavelengths. He doesn't take this initiative and doesn't share this generous attitude towards people. Should I bring this up, or just refuse to go to any nice restaurants with him in the future (which might give him the hint?!)

 

Thank you for reading

 

Are you sure he's "dating" you? It sounds more like just friends. Did you two ever have a conversation about what you each are looking for out of your dating experiences? How did the dating scenario start? Did you two become intimate quickly?

 

It's perhaps a little odd that a guy would "start" a relationship knowing he'd be moving away. And, yet, it's not a bad thing for him to be coming to you occasionally either. This part is somewhat confusing to me anyway.

 

Nevertheless, you say he makes good money. But just because he makes good money doesn't mean he knows how to manage it.

 

He accepted and said "tomorrow is on me". -- I probably would have said, "it's tomorrow" .

[Versacehottie]

The big red flag (among others!) is that he renegged on promising to get her dinner on the 2nd night. He offered on the friday night but "took the option" back when he thought he could get away with it. (probably since they usually split the check). That is the move of someone who is taking advantage of you. And breaking promises. It's stingy and these qualities are not usually related solely to how much money a person has. It's their belief system. I have met multi-millionaries who were stingy It's pretty gross and it usually is about them always keeping score and and if there's a way for them to "win" they are going to take it. I wouldn't keep going with this one because he doesn't appreciate you and there are other obvious roadblocks. But speak up and find out, I guess, if he has huge financial obligations that are making him act like this. That's the only thing that I can think of that would maybe be something worth working on with him. He could be embarrassed or private about his true money situation and it could be much worse than you think it is. To me, it still doesn't excuse the fact that he will get one over on you if he can and is ungrateful for your efforts.

 

 

Ps totally disagree with whoever said that because he sat his a** on a two hour flight to see his girlfriend that she has to make it up to him in some way. She DID do that from the generosity of her spirit. But in general if they have agreed to date long distance, this is part of the deal and why should he keep score like this? Going to see her should be a pleasurable thing not something he needs to be rewarded for that effort like it was a burden to make the trip. Jeez.

[Sweeetie]

The big red flag (among others!) is that he renegged on promising to get her dinner on the 2nd night. He offered on the friday night but "took the option" back when he thought he could get away with it. (probably since they usually split the check). That is the move of someone who is taking advantage of you. And breaking promises. It's stingy and these qualities are not usually related solely to how much money a person has. It's their belief system. I have met multi-millionaries who were stingy It's pretty gross and it usually is about them always keeping score and and if there's a way for them to "win" they are going to take it. I wouldn't keep going with this one because he doesn't appreciate you and there are other obvious roadblocks. But speak up and find out, I guess, if he has huge financial obligations that are making him act like this. That's the only thing that I can think of that would maybe be something worth working on with him. He could be embarrassed or private about his true money situation and it could be much worse than you think it is. To me, it still doesn't excuse the fact that he will get one over on you if he can and is ungrateful for your efforts.

 

 

Ps totally disagree with whoever said that because he sat his a** on a two hour flight to see his girlfriend that she has to make it up to him in some way. She DID do that from the generosity of her spirit. But in general if they have agreed to date long distance, this is part of the deal and why should he keep score like this? Going to see her should be a pleasurable thing not something he needs to be rewarded for that effort like it was a burden to make the trip. Jeez.

 

Thank you for your thorough post, this is exactly it. But on the first night he didn't offer to pay for me - he just offered to pay his half which I would not take.

 

His flights were largely free due to him using air miles- they cost less than the price of one of the dinners of the weekend and I spent a lot more from my pocket this weekend than he had to pay to come see me.

 

I do agree that he is taking financial advantage of me and it is a massive turnoff. I live in the capital city and who wouldn't want to spend a weekend here at Christmas with free accommodation, being shown the pretty sights and spoiled rotten at the top restaurants? The more I think about these things the more discouraged I feel to see him again.

Edited December 8, 2015 by Sweeetie

[Standard-Fare]

But she has paid for him yet he's never reciprocated. Yes, travel should be accounted for. Plus after she bought him breakfast, spent money to put groceries in her house, presumably used her gas to drive them to the restaurant, when he brought up the bill split & she said whatever makes you comfortable, he still chose to split the bill. Hence, in every aspect he's not giving as much as she is.

 

He's responsible for buying her groceries and gas?

 

Also, the breakfast thing could be considered recipocrated by him buying the drinks that night.

 

I'm not passionately defending this guy - I do think he should have offered to pay for dinner. It would have been the kind and romantic gesture. But I don't think he should be harshly judged, or dumped, because of the fact that he didn't.

[MidwestUSA]

You really missed your chance when he asked about paying. You should have reminded him he'd said it was on him. Hell, don't carry any money on you next time!

 

Start calling him on his BS, or go ahead and dump him.

[No_Go]

Sweetie it is us, not them.

 

I'm saying that because after reading this post I recognize myself. I've always done more of the treating, even when I dated a man 2 decades older than me, I was the provider. Even with my current BF I paid for so many things for both of us that I haven't even enjoyed - just to make him happy

 

Men sense women like us and speculate. Same men that I've dated haven't done this with other gfs/dates, because they haven't offered...

 

I feel like people speculate with generosity so much.WE need to change the vibe that we give, I'm pretty sure it is within us

 

I don't know if I have made myself clear but I am not someone who is a gold-digger and wants to be treated to every meal. I have always been someone that likes to treat people and make them happy. My 2nd boyfriend was working in a good job while I was still a student and I paid for both of us 70% of the time. He didn't appreciate me either but he had mental issues so it was a slightly different case.

 

The point that I am trying to make here is that so far in this unofficial relationship, I have been the one to do most of the treating. This guy even made an empty promise to buy me dinner last weekend which he didn't follow through with. A giver and a taker do not make a good match, especially a blind taker. That's why I am reconsidering things with him.

[MidwestUSA]

 

I'm not passionately defending this guy - I do think he should have offered to pay for dinner. It would have been the kind and romantic gesture. But I don't think he should be harshly judged, or dumped, because of the fact that he didn't.

 

He DID offer to pay for dinner. 'It's on me' means just that.