One last shot or walk away (Is it that obvious?)

[anonymousbear00101100]

Currently I'm teetering on the edge of moving on with my life and going back for one more try.

 

For those of you unfamiliar with my story, it's not that interesting. 2 year relationship for HS sweethearts, off to college for four months long distance, she was too busy, I wasn't busy enough, started arguing, and mutually broke up (she initiated it and I agreed) exactly one month ago.

 

We broke NC once to talk during Thanksgiving break two weeks ago. We talked about everything that went wrong and I asked if I could have a chance to fix things. She said no because she didn't want to try to fix our relationship in the three days of break and go back to long distance.

 

She basically overloaded herself in the first quarter and was often stressed and I kind of just sat around doing nothing. I kind of stopped being myself and I got depressed and needy and angry. That started to take a toll on her. We had a disagreement one day (about when the next time we should meet up... how ironic) that turned into a week of arguing. This was obviously not the only problem in our relationship, but the arguments and subsequent breakup highlighted all of our flaws as individuals and as a couple

 

I kind of fought the breakup at first but then went no contact expecting to get back together at Thanksgiving. I was shocked when she said she didn't want to discuss that yet and basically just accepted that she didn't want to get back together. She seemed really unsure of her decision, too. She also started getting jealous and brought up the fact that I'd added a few girls as friends on Facebook (I've since blocked her there).

 

However, recently I've been getting the itch to message her and tell her that I still want to be with her. The only problem is I don't know if I want that. I've been a lot more active and made a lot more friends in the past month. I'm feeling pretty good about myself as an individual, and I feel like I love myself more now than I did with her. She wasn't always a great girlfriend, and I've met some pretty awesome girls here.

 

That being said, I do still love this girl who I once thought of her as my future wife, and I've never been one to give up easily. Since we left for school as a couple, neither of us ever experienced college as individuals, and I didn't really know how to act here since I could always just rely on having a friend on my phone. I feel like I could transfer what I've learned from this month into our relationship, and we could both be happy.

 

I've made so much progress, letting go of all my anger and jealousy, and I'd hate to lose it all by being rejected again. But I do feel like I still want to be with her, and I miss her a ton. I don't know what's going on in her life. She might already have moved on and have a boyfriend, but she also might be missing me and wanting to talk. She would never be one to message first though, that's just who she is, so of course I'd have to initiate it, further confusing me.

 

I know LS is going to tell me to stay NC, so I'm not sure why I'm even asking. It's obvious that I have not fully accepted this breakup, and I guess I'm still holding onto hope that she is willing to put the work in to mend our relationship. Would one last definitive rejection help in me accepting this? Would that really set me back to day 1 and make me feel all of the anger and hate that I did originally? And if I was to not listen to what you're all about to tell me, is it better to pour my heart out over text this week, or ask to meet up and hope she agrees when I'm home in two weeks?

Edited December 8, 2015 by rjblak13

[anonymousbear00101100]

It's been an hour and I'm starting to feel really anxious. I'm starting to feel like I need her in my life. I'm getting more and more tempted to hit send.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Look at the reality of the situation, nothing has changed. You aren't contacting her with a new plan for how you can make things work because you know that it is pointless, because you guys can't make long distance work.

 

If you ever find yourself back in the same city and your both single, then perhaps it might be worth reaching out, but for now it isn't the right time.

 

Don't contact her. Move on and enjoy new experiences and getting to know new people. It is the right thing to do.

[Chronotrgr]

I'm going to go against the LS grain here and tell you that yes, you should reach out to her, No Contact gets thrown around here very often as the solution to everything but if you want her back, you need to have a long discussion about this with her, or at the very least open to her, pour your heart out, whatever it is that you feel you must do to be able to rest easy whatever the case may be.

 

It sounds like you just need more time to communicate with each other, spending quality time with one another on a regular basis is essential in any relationship, unless its long distance but even then, there has to be a work around to compensate.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I'm going to go against the LS grain here and tell you that yes, you should reach out to her, No Contact gets thrown around here very often as the solution to everything but if you want her back, you need to have a long discussion about this with her, or at the very least open to her, pour your heart out, whatever it is that you feel you must do to be able to rest easy whatever the case may be.

 

It sounds like you just need more time to communicate with each other, spending quality time with one another on a regular basis is essential in any relationship, unless its long distance but even then, there has to be a work around to compensate.

 

Communication failure has always been a problem in our relationship. And it wasn't until I came to LS that I realized there was probably a way to fix it by getting advice from others. We always said "this isn't working, we need to communicate better from now on" but it never worked until after we had a big fight that was months in the making. I wouldn't even know how to claim "it'll be different now" because I'm sure she wouldn't believe me. The classic tragedy of the boy who cried change.

 

I also just don't know how to break the NC if I were to go that route. Should I wait to meet up and spill my heart out or do it over message? I was thinking of reaching out with an apology and an update on how I've been and not asking to talk about our relationship until we were back in town. But even that comes off a little weird.

 

I made pros and cons list and both sides were dead even at 4. I'm just at the point where I'm still in love with her and want to be with her, but I could definitely see myself being okay at some point down the road.

[Truth34]

That being said, I do still love this girl who I once thought of her as my future wife, and I've never been one to give up easily.

 

I've made so much progress, letting go of all my anger and jealousy, and I'd hate to lose it all by being rejected again.

 

Two things.

 

Giving up easily is the only option when it comes to dealing with people. It's a great thing to be able to power through obstacles. But another person is an obstacle I will refuse to tackle in regards to proving my worth, or trying to make them like me a certain way. It's just not a winnable task most times. So "giving up" is actually just you taking control of what you can control in this situation, which is you. Not her.

 

The second portion which you talk about your progress is also a big reason why you shouldn't try and prove yourself to her. Because you already answered your own question. You know that rejection once more will set you back, and with the next one comes the notion that it really is "over" and the pain will worsen. Not to mention your ego and confidence probably catches a branch or two on the way down the tree.

 

Take what you can control and nurture that. Build that. But putting your effort into someone who broke things off with you, then after you two talked again even continued with it... It's not a wise move.

 

Good luck man.

[anonymousbear00101100]

So an update.

 

I sent her a message about an hour ago. It basically just was an apology for how things ended and some of things I said post break up. I didn't ask for her back or anything, I just apologized and said I was doing well and I hope she is too. I don't know if she'll ever respond or even read it, but I don't think that will effect me either way.

[Blanco]

Just don't contact her again when, in a few days, you think of more things to apologize about or explain.

 

You don't see it right now, but these are just poorly-veiled excuses to have contact with her.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Just don't contact her again when, in a few days, you think of more things to apologize about or explain.

 

You don't see it right now, but these are just poorly-veiled excuses to have contact with her.

 

And see that's what I figured, so I counted that in the "cons" column. But in the "pros" I decided that if I never reached out one more time I would always have the thought in the back of my mind that it could have worked out.

 

If she never responds to this, I guess I have my answer, and I'm content either way. But I know in 15 days when I'm home, I'll get that itch again, because "maybe it'll be different when she's not at school", which is why I only apologized and didn't ask for her back.

 

I think at this point I'm more afraid of future feelings than current ones.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

And see that's what I figured, so I counted that in the "cons" column. But in the "pros" I decided that if I never reached out one more time I would always have the thought in the back of my mind that it could have worked out.

 

If she never responds to this, I guess I have my answer, and I'm content either way. But I know in 15 days when I'm home, I'll get that itch again, because "maybe it'll be different when she's not at school", which is why I only apologized and didn't ask for her back.

 

I think at this point I'm more afraid of future feelings than current ones.

 

The future isn't set. Like I said, if you ever find yourself back in the same city (after graduation) and your both single, then perhaps it might be worth reaching out and giving things another go. It can't happen now because you guys can't make long distance work.

 

If you keep doing this, you run the risk of becoming annoying or desperate to her which could ruin any chance in the future. Also, if she gives in, you will continue to have the same fights and issues due to the distance. Another breakup will likely be the final one, don't waste it.

 

 

I'm trying to help you out here. Think about the long term rather than right now.

[anonymousbear00101100]

The future isn't set. Like I said, if you ever find yourself back in the same city (after graduation) and your both single, then perhaps it might be worth reaching out and giving things another go. It can't happen now because you guys can't make long distance work.

 

If you keep doing this, you run the risk of becoming annoying or desperate to her which could ruin any chance in the future. Also, if she gives in, you will continue to have the same fights and issues due to the distance. Another breakup will likely be the final one, don't waste it.

 

 

I'm trying to help you out here. Think about the long term rather than right now.

 

Well the plan was to end up at the same school next year. We both had been going through transfer applications at the time of the break up. I just figured if we could make through the second semester it would be good. I wouldn't mind transferring if we were still together, but I won't now since we're broken up. In three years, we both will have moved on and have new relationships. This would be a very NOW move for me, with the hope that it could work out long term.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Well it's been five hours and she hasn't responded, read, or even received the message. She's either busy or ignoring me. Haven't really felt anxious or unnerved at all. Actually, I feel better about this situation than I have in a while. Maybe that thought in the back of my mind that she still wants me just needed to be stepped on. Apologizing for some of my actions also kind of helped me forgive myself and her.

 

I guess I also never really considered if I wanted to be with her, and was just kind of obsessed about getting her back. Kind of spent too much time blaming myself for what I did wrong, and never really thinking about her role in the ending of our relationship. I guess I wasn't really happy with her either. I wish it could still work out, but it's probably for the best. Hopefully in two weeks I still feel this way.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Welp. Doesn't look like I will get an answer. I didn't really ask her anything, it was just an apology, update on my life, and a best wishes, so that's about what I expected. I didn't ask for her back or anything.

 

I would be lying though if I said I'm not disappointed and a little hurt. I mean, I still am trying to accept that I can't go back. I just thought she'd at least give me something. But I know she's hurting too and talking doesn't do her any good either.

 

I did this to myself though, and I knew what the consequences of messaging her and getting no reply would be. I still haven't given up, unfortunately, and some part of me still wants to try and meet when we get home. I'm not sure if I want to pour my heart out now and get it over with, or wait until I can do it in person if she lets me. Not at all is probably the best way, but I know myself too well, and that won't happen.

 

I'm not back to day 1, as I still have no anger or ill will towards her. These feelings are just replacing the "There's still a chance, I should message her" feelings. Ahhh yes, young love. I can't wait until I'm 37 and married and can tell my son how much better relationships get.

[Blanco]

My advice, even though this seems to be something most young people have to learn the hard way is: You're 19. You've already split four or five times. Leave it be. It doesn't feel like it now, but a few years from now, the thought of her will barely register anything for you.

 

You are at an age where meeting new people will probably never be easier. Don't squander it by staying fixated on someone you know it won't work with. Trust me when I say that nothing you probably will say to her when you inevitably pour out your heart is going to change anything.

[anonymousbear00101100]

My advice, even though this seems to be something most young people have to learn the hard way is: You're 19. You've already split four or five times. Leave it be. It doesn't feel like it now, but a few years from now, the thought of her will barely register anything for you.

 

You are at an age where meeting new people will probably never be easier. Don't squander it by staying fixated on someone you know it won't work with. Trust me when I say that nothing you probably will say to her when you inevitably pour out your heart is going to change anything.

 

Yeah I hear you. Half the time I don't feel like I can live without her. The other half of the time I realize it will probably never work. I'll probably be fine soon. Sometimes I just can't remember why it couldn't work and why I don't want to be with her. I think the part that gets me is that I am powerless and can't control this situation.

[Chronotrgr]

If she's a gmail user and uses her phone for the most part, give her some time and the benefit of the doubt, don't just automatically assume she's being ignorant, what happened to the boy who cried change?, gmail has a habit of not notifying you when you get emails, could be something like that holding her up? Maybe...

[anonymousbear00101100]

If she's a gmail user and uses her phone for the most part, give her some time and the benefit of the doubt, don't just automatically assume she's being ignorant, what happened to the boy who cried change?, gmail has a habit of not notifying you when you get emails, could be something like that holding her up? Maybe...

 

I facebook messaged her. Even when we were together, she didn't seem to ever receive my messages on Facebook, only over text. Just didn't check it often enough I guess. Not sure why I didn't email her or text her. Facebook felt like the least threatening medium. But she denied my friend request and declined to receive my message. It doesn't say she read it, so maybe she just hasn't opened Facebook messages all day (they don't pop up from non friends). Who knows. I'm pretty sure she did just deny my message request, though.

Edited December 9, 2015 by rjblak13