iamupset8484 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 My girlfriend and I met about a year and a half ago online. We didn't intend to get to know each each other intimately initially. We lived about 4.5 hours away from each other. We had the most open and nice conversation with each other for about 5+ hours the first time we met, by day 3 we both said that we started liking each other at day 2. We would talk for up to 8+ hours a day some days. When we met it was even better. We have had a strong connection, great chemistry, and openness with each other. She just got out of a 9-10 yr relationship a little under a year before we met. That mentally affected her negatively. For example, before we met she went on a couple dates with a guy and brought him to his house, she had an anxiety attack and could never bring me there. She has a fear and is scared of having a repeat of what happened in the past. After about 8 or more years with her ex and they got married he changed and became a person who didn't really try anymore and he was a different person. So she has been scared to really invite me in her life such as seeing her family, friends, her home. She has seen my family, parents, been at my home. The entire year and a half we both admitted today that it was the best time in our lives. That every moment we were together were landmarks that we would never forget. We've gone on vacations, she's visited me a bunch, I've visited her (however in a hotel, not the house because of anxiety). We talked every day even when she was on a cruise with her parents after we first met since we started talking. We have had a connection on the same level towards each other. When we meet and are in person it's like everything else bad goes away, but when I'm not around her she is down. I never tried to push her and I told her that. She said if I did she would have ran away. I hinted about maybe moving towards that area (not in with her) over the summer. I decided to start looking in that area - I have friends and family near her so I thought it would be great. I started looking. She changed recently and her anxiety is overwelming. She has been seeking help with a therapist about it and she thinks that some of the cause of it is because of me, or us, the relationship itself. Due to that anxiety and other reasons she can't figure out it within the last few weeks has made it hard for her to be able to feel the same way she did. I told her that It has affected me too and the times she was depressed or sad I wanted to just go over for even a night or a few nights and just be there for her, make dinner, and tell her everything is going to be okay. She thinks that she still hasn't fully emotionally been able to get over her ex, she wasn't prepared for this and that not being together will help her. However she has changed emotionally towards me only recently. She admitted that she's been scared and terrified of me moving there and having it more just because of what happened and she needs more help with it. She felt that being with me also distracted her from recovering from a 10 year relationship. I told her that I only want you to be happy and if you can recover by doing this than I really hope it will make you happy. I said that I would wait for her even maybe start dating next spring because if you are able to recover and we can improve on what we had it really would make us both happy. She said don't say that, if I know you're waiting it will just give me more anxiety to get better. We both are going to still talk, it's going to be hard not to text her. We both asked when we should even talk next. I mean she seemed like it was possible for a few days or a day. We both agreed we aren't going to be seeing anyone. I'm going to wait for her to contact me. i just feel that with our feelings towards each other I could be that perfect person and she could be the same for me if she can overcome commitment issues. I'm still planning on finding a job there. She said today that she wants me in her life so badly, she doesn't want to lose her best friend. She also however said in her state of mind right now she can't guarantee anything as in us starting over or being as we were. I have friends and family there and if this turns into something we would be closer together, if not, I will not be alone. I feel that with what is going on in her life that are causing anxiety, her mental recovery over her divorce and our unexpected match that didn't allow her to recover is all just exploding because she can't figure out how to fix her fear and anxiety over commitment since she wasn't able to recover. That if I wait, still keep in touch and be there for her when she needs it we may be able to start from scratch and have a new beginning that will be easier after she recovers. But, she isn't in the mindset right now for that. Any suggestions on what I should do next?
d0nnivain Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 All you can do is back off. She jumped into this relationship with you too quickly before she fully processed her divorce. You were a rebound & now she realizes she needs tome to process. Respect that
ExpatInItaly Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Are you sure her ex isn't still living with her?
Author iamupset8484 Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 All you can do is back off. She jumped into this relationship with you too quickly before she fully processed her divorce. You were a rebound & now she realizes she needs tome to process. Respect that I am backing off. She said she jumped into this relationship thinking that she wasn't expecting to turn out to anything. Saying she ended up liking me a whole lot and it turned into more. I was some type of rebound, but she was also unexpected that we really liked each other. I'm hoping she analyzes this and ends up wanting me with her.
Author iamupset8484 Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 Are you sure her ex isn't still living with her? Well I suppose that's difficult to prove, but she has nothing to do with him and lives somewhat in the area. I mean I have gone on dates with her down the street from her house. I guess I believe her but no physical evidence.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Well I suppose that's difficult to prove, but she has nothing to do with him and lives somewhat in the area. I mean I have gone on dates with her down the street from her house. I guess I believe her but no physical evidence. But you have not once stepped foot inside her house? Not even to pick her up for a date? Sorry OP, but I think there's more she's not telling you.
Author iamupset8484 Posted December 10, 2015 Author Posted December 10, 2015 But you have not once stepped foot inside her house? Not even to pick her up for a date? Sorry OP, but I think there's more she's not telling you. I have told her this that it has bothered me. She is insecure about relationships after her divorce and she has been sorry about that. She assured me that everyone knows about it. It also has been on my mind.
Author iamupset8484 Posted December 10, 2015 Author Posted December 10, 2015 Just an update, she has been contacting me. The day after this she contacted me and we talked for about an hour and a half. She contacted me today and we talked for a couple hours. She misses talking to me and she She said that she was a coward, that she was proud of me and that I meant everything to her. She said that I deserve good things and she knows that she needs to figure her **** out. That I don't know how amazing I am and honestly don't think I have a clue. That I deserve everything. She wants to continue to talk about things but to recover and figure out things she just needs to split up to get over her fears of a divorce. She doesn't know how long that will be and doesn't want me to wait because it will just make her anxious during her recovery.
marky00 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 She doesn't know how long that will be and doesn't want me to wait because it will just make her anxious during her recovery. Sorry man. She still loves her Ex. My Ex 9 months ago told me the same thing, and she is still with her new bf. Do you think if someone loved you, they would tell you to not wait for them?
Author iamupset8484 Posted December 10, 2015 Author Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) Sorry man. She still loves her Ex. My Ex 9 months ago told me the same thing, and she is still with her new bf. Do you think if someone loved you, they would tell you to not wait for them? You would think, however she is scared in general of what happened with her ex. He completely changed after marriage and turned into a different person. He became lazy with the relationship and lazy in general. They fought all the time. He started using her money to go to the bars. Didn't care about her. He didn't want a divorce because he didn't believe in it because he was very catholic. She gained a fear of commitment and trusting anyone because of this. She fears it would happen again and can't figure out how to get rid of that. So she has been seeking therapy to overcome it, and the first thing to really do would be to get out of a relationship - her therapist warned her about this when we saw each other. Relationships bring her fear and anxiety and she can't figure out how to get rid of that. She has assured me that he is not in her life and will never be again. But yeah that fear with me is there of course. She doesn't want me to wait because it would give her anxiety to rushing things and she doesn't know how long it would take to repair things. I'm hoping that she still is talking to me to keep me around to then maybe know I can still be there when she is ready in a way. She misses me and wants to keep talking frequently and see me again. She just isn't ready for anything until she can get over or to repair what is what she said messed up in her head. We were together about a year and a half and her help towards that never progressed and she can't figure it out. I mean yeah it would crush me if that is true. Thanks for your advise and history about it. I just hope something like that is not true. Edited December 10, 2015 by iamupset8484
sowhynot Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) Sounds kind of familiar I'm afraid. Ex tells me sob stories on how her ex cheated, hit her, etc etc. Funny how exs ex car is on Streetview as large as life parked outside her house within a month of me being flipped* ! Sorry, I think it's time for you to drop it and move on. * Yeah, I know, I'm an internet stalker.... Edited December 10, 2015 by sowhynot Added a bit.
Author iamupset8484 Posted December 10, 2015 Author Posted December 10, 2015 Sounds kind of familiar I'm afraid. Ex tells me sob stories on how her ex cheated, hit her, etc etc. Funny how exs ex car is on Streetview as large as life parked outside her house within a month of me being flipped* ! Sorry, I think it's time for you to drop it and move on. * Yeah, I know, I'm an internet stalker.... Thank you very much for your history on this. I'll try my best to not communicate with her for a while, it's hard since she is still contacting me. I'll bring that up if we start communicating in the near future. Thanks again.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 She is not ready to move on from her ex. I wouldn't be so quick to believe everything she is telling you about him and their relationship. This girl doesn't strike me as particularly trustworthy. Her never allowing you into her house is a gigantic red flag that I would not have ignored. I would almost be willing to bet he still lives there. Or that she isn't as single as she claims to be. Had you met her friends or family?
casey.lives Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 everything was perfect... and then life does what it does... perfection is a ambiguous in nature. So.. perfect to real.. is a great transition.. enjoy
Author iamupset8484 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 She is not ready to move on from her ex. I wouldn't be so quick to believe everything she is telling you about him and their relationship. This girl doesn't strike me as particularly trustworthy. Her never allowing you into her house is a gigantic red flag that I would not have ignored. I would almost be willing to bet he still lives there. Or that she isn't as single as she claims to be. Had you met her friends or family? Sorry I haven't' responded lately, I haven't been in communication with her, gave her some space. I actually am communication with her tonight about some stuff that I will post relating to what I found what what she has said which may be interesting to others for the future, regarding google satellites/advanced facebook searches/vehicle registration searches/other public records. Sorry posting this twice, i'll respond potentially tomorrow for that post.
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