Toodaloo Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Perhaps, this article might help… https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201511/4-things-empath-never-says-and-you-shouldnt-either Years ago, I was telling someone that when I see people struggle or suffer, I feel it too well, but don't know what to say, and I fumble through my words trying to express compassion and end up hating myself for not knowing the right words to say. This person told me: Sometimes the best way to show compassion is to NOT say anything at all, just listen to what they are trying to say. It really is quite a simple idea: you do not have to feel or experience someone else's suffering to empathize. Empathize without judgement and without adding your own commentary and without gloating about how YOU so successfully solve with your own problems. You don't know the depth or intensity of the other person's struggle and how hard and for how long they actually have worked to battle it. When you hear someone's hurting, just say "I'm sorry"--it's easier than you think and it really can be greatest gift you can give to another person. Burnt. Thats wasn't my point but I agree with you. My point is that so so very many out there these days can not see the world beyond their own little box... Saddens me. Last night a guy phoned me and when I explained that it wasn't a good time as I was in the middle of cooking a meal for homeless people but I would call him back he acted like... well he was selfish and dispassionate in his reply. I phoned back, he refused to answer. Looks like he will continue to live in that massive house on his own because I sure as **** will not be if he has that attitude. I actually do a lot of work on the quiet and on a purely voluntary basis for a wide variety of good causes... Most of the time I just listen. Sod all I can do about their situation so I just listen. 2
BluEyeL Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Perhaps, this article might help… https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201511/4-things-empath-never-says-and-you-shouldnt-either Years ago, I was telling someone that when I see people struggle or suffer, I feel it too well, but don't know what to say, and I fumble through my words trying to express compassion and end up hating myself for not knowing the right words to say. This person told me: Sometimes the best way to show compassion is to NOT say anything at all, just listen to what they are trying to say. It really is quite a simple idea: you do not have to feel or experience someone else's suffering to empathize. Empathize without judgement and without adding your own commentary and without gloating about how YOU so successfully solve with your own problems. You don't know the depth or intensity of the other person's struggle and how hard and for how long they actually have worked to battle it. When you hear someone's hurting, just say "I'm sorry"--it's easier than you think and it really can be greatest gift you can give to another person. That's all good and true, but that reaction is meant for your close friends, family or your therapist. A person that has been hurt in the past cannot expect that the people they meet when dating, all strangers, will serve as their therapist, friend or mother. You can find countless of advice columns that tell you that dating is not therapy. That's a good policy to follow. 1
burnt Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 That's all good and true, but that reaction is meant for your close friends, family or your therapist. A person that has been hurt in the past cannot expect that the people they meet when dating, all strangers, will serve as their therapist, friend or mother. I guess I don't see it that way. I don't understand why you have to reserve feeling compassion for only the people close to you. Personally, I don't feel it's on me to save anyone and take burdens that are not mine. Let others deal with that. You protect yourself. To feel empathy for someone's struggle and to save someone are two different things. You actually do not make yourself 'unprotected' by simply acknowledging and validating another person's pain. The comparison with the overweight person is not working so well, because the overweight person is hurting themselves, Yes, absolutely, they are hurting themselves. But here's a perfect example of what it means to empathize. I am 95 pounds, never had a weight problem my whole life, I eat like a hog, but never gain weight, never have cravings for unhealthy junk food. So from my point of view, it's easy to feel that overweight people 'hurt themselves'. But, here's the thing: I see overweight people and think 'I'm sorry for what they are going through--I imagine it's tough'--because they know that they have a problem, and they try to fight it; they already feel bad, yet find themselves helplessly and stupidly gorging down food and then subsequently hating themselves for not having enough self discipline. (Ever heard of the psychological phenomena called 'emotional eating'?). And I empathize because I don't have to deal with that struggle. It's not a question of trying to 'save' them from their problems, it's just a matter of developing understanding and showing a bit of concern for another person.
BluEyeL Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 I think people will show concern and empathy Buț im noy sure what that would entail. You seem to conveniently ignore the harm that a person who doesn't want a relationship can do to one who does want one, if they get close. I personally would just feel sorry for them and still stay away because I don't want to date anyone who is not ready for a relationship regardless the reason . If you want analogies , if a person who is deeply disturbed due to mental problems caused by a horrible childhood tried to kill me, I would rather run than stay and try to tell them how sorry I am. 1
Toodaloo Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 It's not a question of trying to 'save' them from their problems, it's just a matter of developing understanding and showing a bit of concern for another person. Many of the people you meet do want you to "save" them though. Trust me I have been there and these people have tried to make me responsible for their happiness. The fact that I am not putting up with that is not that I am not empathetic or sympathetic to their hurt and emotions. Its that I am a complete stranger and am not responsible for causing that pain and hurt... I don't expect strangers to make me happy. That has to come from me not them. Massive difference and no I am still not going to date people who expect me to make them happy. Its just not healthy to be like that for them or me. 1
Haydn Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Many of the people you meet do want you to "save" them though. Trust me I have been there and these people have tried to make me responsible for their happiness. The fact that I am not putting up with that is not that I am not empathetic or sympathetic to their hurt and emotions. Its that I am a complete stranger and am not responsible for causing that pain and hurt... I don't expect strangers to make me happy. That has to come from me not them. Massive difference and no I am still not going to date people who expect me to make them happy. Its just not healthy to be like that for them or me. This is so true. When i look back to the piece of human wreckage i was when i came here. After so much reflection and a lot of alcohol, i saw and felt this very statement you made. Rotten days they were. 1
Toodaloo Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 This is so true. When i look back to the piece of human wreckage i was when i came here. After so much reflection and a lot of alcohol, i saw and felt this very statement you made. Rotten days they were. They are bad days. But no one can make anyone else (much less a stranger) responsible for their happiness. It happens time and time again. And you end up miserable and jaded yourself because they end up treating you like a piece of poo every single time. Its like a never ending circle of misery. So no. People like that should not be dating. They should be concentrating on getting better and being happier within themselves so they are then in a position to date. Example - People with depression can date. People with depression that is spiraling out of control really should not date.
burnt Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Many of the people you meet do want you to "save" them though. Yep, I'd be in that category; sorry to say, I feel 'saved' when I feel loved, that's all really. I don't expect people to 'help' me with my baggage, just be willing to be understanding of my struggles. So, I guess I should ask is it really so bad to want to be loved (if that's what saves me). I don't expect strangers to make me happy. That has to come from me not them. I DO EXPECT myself to make another (stranger or not) happy, if I'm able to; so while I don't 'expect' strangers to make me happy, I am thankful when someone does make me feel happy. no I am still not going to date people who expect me to make them happy. Its just not healthy to be like that for them or me. Ehh..bummer; guess you will never want to date me then. Actually never mind, you're a woman and so am I.
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