Buddhist Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I see this cited over and over again as to the reason why someone's not participating in a relationship. And every time I see it I think....so what? Everyone who has ever participated in love has been really hurt at some point. Absolutely no-one out there hasn't. Everyone gets involved with a player or cheater, every one has a train wreck of a relationship in their past with the supposed 'love of their life' etc. I can't help but think this is a giant BS excuse. Why do people hold onto an expectation that they should not have to put forth some effort and instead love should relentlessly pursue them in order to prove that they won't be hurt again. I guess I just wanted to point out the irony of hiding behind the 'been hurt before' relationship excuse. It's like saying.....I've breathed in oxygen before and I'm scared to do it again. Well, okay. Let me know how that goes for you. 2
bluefeather Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 It's like saying.....I've breathed in oxygen before and I'm scared to do it again. Well, okay. Let me know how that goes for you. No, it's not. A better way to put it would be, "I've breathed oxygen and it burned my lungs, so I'm afraid to breathe in again." The answer is really simple. It is fear. How do you think shock collars work on animals? They get a shock if they do a certain action. Later without the shock collar, they don't do that action. Fear is a very strong emotion. You can downplay it all you want, but you would be a fool to not recognize it's existence and power. 4
Samhain Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Encountering a player or a cheater isn't the only reason we get hurt. Some people make their own mistakes and dig their own graves and get hurt. It's themselves that scare them when they know they can't change who they are. But are just as capable of falling in love. 1
Author Buddhist Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Encountering a player or a cheater isn't the only reason we get hurt. Some people make their own mistakes and dig their own graves and get hurt. It's themselves that scare them when they know they can't change who they are. But are just as capable of falling in love. Didn't say it was. But lets be honest here, there aren't any people anywhere in the world who've only had positive experiences in love. Being hurt in love is as common as breathing, so why some people think it's a special and unique experience to them and worthy of being put on the mantle piece is anyone's guess. Not saying it's not useful (fear that is) but the pearl clutching some people go on with is really unnecessary and overly dramatic. 1
Samhain Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 If i could choose never to be in love again and to be content alone.. Even though I am very happy in my life at this moment with a woman.. I'd choose to be alone and uncaring. And I look forward to a future and have all the normal feelings normal people have. And am In love and with someone. Still.. I would.
RedRobin Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 After my fiancée died very suddenly, I came to understand that it gave me PTSD when experiencing something approaching 'love'. It wasn't that I was necessarily 'hurt'... but that feeling invoked memories... flashbacks, as it were... In some way, it infused a lot of my life and decisions for awhile. At least a couple of years. The whole, 'life is short' thing. I'll never take my time and life for granted the way I did before he died. He was so young. I think if people treated a very bad breakup as a type of 'relationship PTSD', maybe it would help? it helped me. The treatment protocols for PTSD, I think, might be translated to getting over a relationship. Maybe. I'm not a professional... 4
Woggle Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Some people after one drama after another just don't want to deal with it anymore. It is very hard to trust after you have been betrayed. You start to view the opposite sex in a different way and it colors how you view relationships.
Toodaloo Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Some people after one drama after another just don't want to deal with it anymore. It is very hard to trust after you have been betrayed. You start to view the opposite sex in a different way and it colors how you view relationships. IF you allow it. I don't think there are many who have gone through the kind of ordeal I went through with my ex. OK so he wasn't slapping me about but the betrayal was far more cutting and far more deep. Do I hate men for it? Nope Do I blame men for what he did? Nope Do I think all men are the same? Nope Do I hate men? Nope The difference between me and many others is that instead of jumping on the wagon and rushing back in, grabbing the first bloke that so much as looked at me, I realized that I needed to heal. So I took my time and healed. Then I started gently dipping my toe and testing the waters to see if I was ready. I eased myself back into it and was kind to myself. I have learnt my lesson. Nice guys are not always so nice. Eyes and ears open. Be realistic. Keep an open heart and open mind. Go for the guy who is what he says he is. Its taken a really long time. Its an ongoing process. But I am in a much better place these days. My picking ability has got better and I am not afraid. After all if I can get through all that crap once I can do it again. I also know how to deal with it now so whats the worry? Nothing to be afraid of. Nothing I can't get through. 2
neowulf Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I see this cited over and over again as to the reason why someone's not participating in a relationship. And every time I see it I think....so what? Everyone who has ever participated in love has been really hurt at some point. Absolutely no-one out there hasn't. Everyone gets involved with a player or cheater, every one has a train wreck of a relationship in their past with the supposed 'love of their life' etc. I can't help but think this is a giant BS excuse. Why do people hold onto an expectation that they should not have to put forth some effort and instead love should relentlessly pursue them in order to prove that they won't be hurt again. I guess I just wanted to point out the irony of hiding behind the 'been hurt before' relationship excuse. It's like saying.....I've breathed in oxygen before and I'm scared to do it again. Well, okay. Let me know how that goes for you. Are you afraid of anything? Any irrational fears? Anything that you struggle to face in your own life? Because that same internalised, irrational fear is what some people struggle with when it comes to relationships. Just because you can't understand their pain, doesn't make their pain any less real. They teach nurses that in pain management. Pain is *always* as bad as the patient tells you it is. You are not them. You don't know what they're feeling. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I've had " just trying to burn bridges with an ex and that's why I'm not ready for a relationship" only four to six months later they're in a relationship with someone else. That to me, "playing the hurt card" is an excuse sometimes as to why they just want to date YOU. I wish people would just tell the truth. Hey I can handle rejection, it's a lighter pill to swallow than outright lying! But I think if people say " I'm too hurt" and it is fear you've got two options a.) wait it out with them and be as patient as you can before they magically see the light that you're the right person for them or b.) move on until you find someone that isn't so " damaged and hurt' to be in a relationship that works and works well with you. I would rather choose option B as I don't have time for option A.
Toodaloo Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Are you afraid of anything? Any irrational fears? Anything that you struggle to face in your own life? Because that same internalised, irrational fear is what some people struggle with when it comes to relationships. Just because you can't understand their pain, doesn't make their pain any less real. They teach nurses that in pain management. Pain is *always* as bad as the patient tells you it is. You are not them. You don't know what they're feeling. Neo honey. Its not the fact its there its how you deal with it. If you are in pain and you do not allow the nurse to help you with that pain you can not then blame the nurse for a lack of care. If your pain level is 8/10 and you tell the nurse its only a 3/10 again she is not responsible for that. you are... The problem with dating is that you have a whole bunch of people who have been through some heart breaking experiences. Rushing into the game again because they feel lonely and expect another person to be able to "fix" them. They then meet other lovely people. And boom it blows up in their faces and they end up hurting more and hurting others in the process... 1
Toodaloo Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I've had " just trying to burn bridges with an ex and that's why I'm not ready for a relationship" only four to six months later they're in a relationship with someone else. That to me, "playing the hurt card" is an excuse sometimes as to why they just want to date YOU. I wish people would just tell the truth. Hey I can handle rejection, it's a lighter pill to swallow than outright lying! But I think if people say " I'm too hurt" and it is fear you've got two options a.) wait it out with them and be as patient as you can before they magically see the light that you're the right person for them or b.) move on until you find someone that isn't so " damaged and hurt' to be in a relationship that works and works well with you. I would rather choose option B as I don't have time for option A. Daisy sometimes they don't even know themselves that they are not yet ready. I had a date with a lovely guy on Saturday and poof. It suddenly slapped him in the face that he just isn't ready. Why? Because I was the first sane woman he felt attracted to and wanted to be with and when that emotion started he suddenly found he just couldn't deal with it yet. Not always intentional and not always their fault.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I've had someone say that before, but if you're really attracted to someone you would not let " not ready" be an excuse. You would find yourself totally ready because you're totally into that person. I've had men pull that one loads on me. All they needed to say was " not attracted to you, not into you, not this not that" That's fine,I can accept it and move on from it. What I think is cowardice, is people using that as an excuse because they're not 100 percent sure of what else to say.
BluEyeL Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I really think that is just used as an excuse by someone who is not into you, or for some reason don't want to be in a relationship at all. Who cares what excuses they use? I don't care to over-analyze someone else s problems, so usually I'd just say whatever. But yes, I was wondering, if my current relationship ended, I think I'd have major problems for a while. I didn't find dating fun when I was doing it and if I am to be thrown back into it, I don't think I could do it anymore. The difference is that I don't think I'd go out there at all, not go out there with issues and mess people around. IMO, if you have issues, you have no business dating. Solve them first and then date. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 (edited) I really think that is just used as an excuse by someone who is not into you, or for some reason don't want to be in a relationship at all. Who cares what excuses they use? I don't care to over-analyze someone else s problems, so usually I'd just say whatever. But yes, I was wondering, if my current relationship ended, I think I'd have major problems for a while. I didn't find dating fun when I was doing it and if I am to be thrown back into it, I don't think I could do it anymore. The difference is that I don't think I'd go out there at all, not go out there with issues and mess people around. IMO, if you have issues, you have no business dating. Solve them first and then date. exactly. If someone says " I'm not ready to be in a relationship/ scared of getting hurt..boohooohooo" then say " we'll why are you dating then? dating is like the lion's den of getting your heart broken. Better to deal with your issues before creating new ones. Dating isn't going to solve them, it's going to exasperate them." I had a great guy tell me how fantastic I was, slept with him and then boom! pulled out " the i'm not ready for a relationship" He was already going to use that card, he was just using the right moment to use it. honestly, if I hear someone say that to me, I just say " if you're not attracted to me or don't want it to go further than just say it, don't use it as a stupid excuse for a lack of a better lie. You'll find someone you want and then suddenly, you're instantaneously ready. Don't bull**** someone. They've usually heard it before or used it on someone else already!" Edited December 8, 2015 by Daisy-oliviaWentcher 1
Toodaloo Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 exactly. If someone says " I'm not ready to be in a relationship/ scared of getting hurt..boohooohooo" then say " we'll why are you dating then? dating is like the lion's den of getting your heart broken. Better to deal with your issues before creating new ones. Dating isn't going to solve them, it's going to exasperate them." I had a great guy tell me how fantastic I was, slept with him and then boom! pulled out " the i'm not ready for a relationship" He was already going to use that card, he was just using the right moment to use it. honestly, if I hear someone say that to me, I just say " if you're not attracted to me or don't want it to go further than just say it, don't use it as a stupid excuse for a lack of a better lie. You'll find someone you want and then suddenly, you're instantaneously ready. Don't bull**** someone. They've usually heard it before or used it on someone else already!" Some people are just lonely - it really is that simple. Dump a good thick dollop of loneliness on top of pain and hurt and you get one very messed up confused person who hasn't got a bloody clue. Just because someone does things differently to you doesn't give any of us the right to go off on one at them. What we should do is just avoid dating them. It is that simple. 1
Author Buddhist Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Are you afraid of anything? Any irrational fears? Anything that you struggle to face in your own life? Yes I do. I have panic disorder as a result of PTSD. So I know how big fear can be. I'm not minimising it at all. And actually it's because I've had to face it that I am saying this. You do not conquer a fear by running from it, that just gives it power over your life. Every time you decide to not do something out of fear, the fear gets bigger and has more control over you. 1
neowulf Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Neo honey. Its not the fact its there its how you deal with it. If you are in pain and you do not allow the nurse to help you with that pain you can not then blame the nurse for a lack of care. If your pain level is 8/10 and you tell the nurse its only a 3/10 again she is not responsible for that. you are... The problem with dating is that you have a whole bunch of people who have been through some heart breaking experiences. Rushing into the game again because they feel lonely and expect another person to be able to "fix" them. They then meet other lovely people. And boom it blows up in their faces and they end up hurting more and hurting others in the process... I understand what you're saying. I'm just pointing out that almost everyone who says "Eh, suck it up and get over it" seems to white wash the fact that in their own lives, they usually have at least ONE thing they struggle to deal with. Great, that's awesome. I'm impressed they don't have any issues with getting over emotional trauma. I'm less impressed they can't balance a budget, or fix their own car, or have a substance abuse issue.. etc. I've never smoked in my life. I've never had a problem with having an addictive personality. I don't go around feeling superior to the people who do though. I'm just pointing out that people could work on feeling a little empty for others. Just because it's not a struggle for them doesn't mean it's not a huge struggle for other people. If the problems were fixed through rational thought, people wouldn't have them. 1
neowulf Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Yes I do. I have panic disorder as a result of PTSD. So I know how big fear can be. I'm not minimising it at all. And actually it's because I've had to face it that I am saying this. You do not conquer a fear by running from it, that just gives it power over your life. Every time you decide to not do something out of fear, the fear gets bigger and has more control over you. That's great. I'm glad you've managed to get a grip on your own demons. I suffer with depression myself. I know how crippling mental illness can be. I agree that facing fears is the first step to moving on with life. I agree with you on that message. What I'm less cool with is making people who simply aren't in a place to face their fears yet, feel embarrassed or shamed.
Author Buddhist Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 What I'm less cool with is making people who simply aren't in a place to face their fears yet, feel embarrassed or shamed. Well if they aren't in a place to face their fears (about relationships) why are they dating? 1
neowulf Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) Well if they aren't in a place to face their fears (about relationships) why are they dating? Because they're painfully lonely? Why do overweight people eat? They crave food. Crave the way it makes them feel. Crave the taste and texture of it. They know they have a problem with food. But they keep on eating? The gambler who knows he doesn't have the money, but is determined to place just one more bet. Is it so difficult to understand that people can desperately want something they're terrified of? People are often contrary. It's all part of being human. Not to mention the obvious part. You mentioned "Facing your fears". If you're afraid of love.. then isn't the only way to get over that.. to put yourself into situations where you could possibly feel it? I get it, it sucks to be on the receiving end of people's "baggage". But we're all human. Instead of becoming bitter about it, I'm trying to cultivate a more empathetic sense about it. Edited December 9, 2015 by neowulf 3
RedRobin Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Well if they aren't in a place to face their fears (about relationships) why are they dating? I have a guy friend who was painfully shy, and had his heart broken by a young lady years ago. He never quite got over her, and it has affected his attempts at relationships ever since. After his last break up, he told me that maybe he should just not date. That he is no good at relationships. Mind you, he's never cheated or done anything dishonorable. It's mostly that he is medically depressed. It runs in his family. I told him that as long as he is honest with women about his condition, then there is no reason he can't find love. When he is on his medication, he's a normal, fun guy. Over the years, I have seen him blossom from a guy who had serious suicidal thoughts, to a guy who completed multiple marathons, took up improv (and was invited to join a company)... And just moved in with his girlfriend of over a year (who I like very much... And is a sweetheart) People can overcome their fears, but it is a process. They need to see progress, and there are likely lots of times they will backslide some. But that's how it goes. I find that those who tKe longer to overcome these things often have other issues that are combined... So untangling it can be tricky. One thing at a time. For my friend, he needed to build a solid social network first, and start exercising and eating healthy. Everything seemed to turn around for him after that. There were times when he just wanted to give up on relationships altogether, but I told him "how are you going to get better if you don't try?" 1
Toodaloo Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 I'm just pointing out that people could work on feeling a little empty for others. Darling if I could find that man I wouldn't still be single...
BluEyeL Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) That's great. I'm glad you've managed to get a grip on your own demons. I suffer with depression myself. I know how crippling mental illness can be. I agree that facing fears is the first step to moving on with life. I agree with you on that message. What I'm less cool with is making people who simply aren't in a place to face their fears yet, feel embarrassed or shamed. I don't think that people who have fears and are not ready to be in a relationship but are still out there dating should feel shamed or embarrassed. It's just that if you are one who is looking for a relationship, when you hear that information, or when you get a feeling that this is the case with the person you're dating (because they don't need to tell you directly, they'll be wishy washy about advancing a relationship), it's your cue to exit immediately. Personally, I don't feel it's on me to save anyone and take burdens that are not mine. I'm out there (was, I found him) to find lasting love, not to have sex or short flings. So that's what I'd advise anyone looking for a serious relationship. Exit immediately when you hear they've been hurt in the past and don't want to be in a relationship. Let others deal with that. You protect yourself. Dating is tough and it's every man for themselves. The comparison with the overweight person is not working so well, because the overweight person is hurting themselves, but by going out there looking for your own pleasure only (sex and attention in general) that another one can give you, you're a danger and you will hurt people. Go to therapy first. However, like I said, nobody can stop people, even people with issues, to be out looking for their own pleasure and trying (non-intentionally) to cause you pain. So you just don't wonder "why", and stay away from these people. Edited December 9, 2015 by BluEyeL
burnt Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Darling if I could find that man I wouldn't still be single... Perhaps, this article might help… https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201511/4-things-empath-never-says-and-you-shouldnt-either Years ago, I was telling someone that when I see people struggle or suffer, I feel it too well, but don't know what to say, and I fumble through my words trying to express compassion and end up hating myself for not knowing the right words to say. This person told me: Sometimes the best way to show compassion is to NOT say anything at all, just listen to what they are trying to say. It really is quite a simple idea: you do not have to feel or experience someone else's suffering to empathize. Empathize without judgement and without adding your own commentary and without gloating about how YOU so successfully solve with your own problems. You don't know the depth or intensity of the other person's struggle and how hard and for how long they actually have worked to battle it. When you hear someone's hurting, just say "I'm sorry"--it's easier than you think and it really can be greatest gift you can give to another person.
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