bitterlemon Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I'll keep this short. We were together for almost a year when he suddenly decided he was confused about us and told me he was not in love with me anymore. I rather gracefully let him go and told him I couldn't be friends with him because I love him. I also told him to give me all the time I needed to get over him. I did NC for 2 months with zero contact. Then a few weeks ago he started messaging me and I've been giving him short but cordial responses. A week ago he emailed me to share our photos from various trips we have done and wrote that he misses me and apologized for hurting me. I didn't know what to reply so I didn't. Few days later he messaged me again. He saw that I read his message but did not reply so he kept messaging. Eventually I replied again with short answers. He asked if I had received his photos and I just replied yes (tbh I didn't even click on the download link). Then a day later he sent me a gif of himself from a few ridiculous photos I took of him and said that he could only share these ugly images of himself with me with a winking smiley. No response from me to that either. 3 days passed by and today he asked if I'd like to have lunch with him before he goes home for Christmas, and added that I don't have to go if I'm not ready to see him because he does not want to hurt me. I've been trying very hard to move on in these 3 months, and have finally stopped thinking about him even second. My brain is telling me that this could be a bad idea while my heart is dying to see him, maybe also to let him see that I've been doing well without him as well. I haven't replied to that message because i really don't know what to do. Please help me
pidgeon1010 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 3 days passed by and today he asked if I'd like to have lunch with him before he goes home for Christmas, and added that I don't have to go if I'm not ready to see him because he does not want to hurt me. The sentence in bold is what gives me some pause. Sounds to me he is trying to alleviate some of his guilt and keep you on the hook as a "friend". I would just ignore it or respond and say something like "I'll pass. I am moving on with my life and would rather not revisit the past. I'll reach out if I am ever open to a friendship down the road." Sounds like you have done a great job with moving on and you don't want these recent breadcrumbs to derail all the effort you have made. Best wishes to you! 1
Standard-Fare Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 You've stayed remarkably strong so far. Why would you risk going backwards? Meeting up with him would stir up a lot of emotions and knock you back a few stages in your healing process. I think you should tell him honestly that you're still in pain and that it's not a good idea for you to see him. I get the feeling you're wondering if he wants to get back together. And I know nothing about your backstory or whether that would be a terrible idea. (In 95 percent of breakups, it is.) But if you did think that was a possibility, and one that you'd be wanting to explore, you should tell him that if he has anything important to say to you he can call you on the phone; but otherwise you'd prefer if he stays out of contact out of respect for your healing.
bluefeather Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 What's on the menu? Breadcrumbs???? BREADCRUMBS!!!!! "I miss you." "here are some old pics" ";)" Those are all little hits to get attention from you. He's FINALLY starting to miss you and is using you to get that fix. Any word you reply to him takes his pain away a little bit. It's like if you were both on drugs, and yours got taken away and you were forced to quit cold-turkey. He on the other hand, still had enough drugs to last him a few months, because he took yours. Now he's finally run out. But he found a couple of bits left... and they are in you. Any acknowledgement you give him is like puffing on a cigarette. It's not the hard stuff, but it sure helps. He would like to be cured of his addiction, but he'd rather do it nice and easy, a little at a time. Even if it hurts you. Still want that lunch? 2
Author bitterlemon Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 (edited) Thanks for all those replies guys! They're really helpful and give me strength. I know if I see him I may end up spending Christmas crying, but at the same time I may regret not seeing what he has to say. I don't know which of those two would make me sadder. All these messages and whatnot are already seriously disrupting my healing process and I do feel like they're dragging me backwards. I posted the back story in this forum under the same username if anyone is interested. I've been using these 3 months to convince myself I'm too good for him and he does not deserve me, but then I don't trust myself if he does want me back. Bluefeather , the drug analogy is perfect. I've been really sad since he started contacting me again... I sort of want that lunch just to see what he wants, but I don't want to be the girl who gives ultimatum such as if you do not want to reconciliate then don't contact me, because in the end I do believe he is very confused and does not have an answer to that either. Edited December 8, 2015 by bitterlemon
Standard-Fare Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Looking at this completely rationally, you should be telling him "Uh, no. You rejected me, you hurt me, and I'm trying to move on. Get the hell out of my life." But on a more realistic emotional level I can tell you're struggling with lingering feelings and doubts. Maybe you should decline the lunch but flat-out ask him: "Can you tell me why you wanted to meet up? What is it you were seeking from that?" And if he just gives you elusive answers, or "I hoped we could be friends" bullsh*t, you can conclude that he's just being a manipulative jacka*s who still wants to hold some power over you. Then you'll know for sure that you should just continue on your path of no contact and healing. 1
Author bitterlemon Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Thanks standard-fare! In fact I haven't replied him but I've "read" the message. Today he sent another message suggesting for us to go to a restaurant where we shared a lot of memories. A part of me want to go and see what he has to say, and if it's along the lines of some bullsh*t friendship then I'll just tell him please do not contact me again and leave. The other part of me knows that he probably wants to make sure I'm okay after the break-up so that he would be able to go home for Christmas guilt free, and honestly I don't want to give him this satisfaction. What do you all think? :/
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Could I ask why on earth you're opening up to someone who made you into a helpless victim, and broke your heart? The guy left you desolate and devastated. And now he's all, "Hey, let's have lunch and - here's an idea, why don't we go to that place which used to mean so much to us, and I can crap on all your wonderful memories by making banal small talk designed to just make me feel better, and reminisce over the good times we had, which in any case will make you feel rolled over again?!" I'm sorry hun - are you crazy?? There's an underlying level of masochism - almost as if you're tempting fate to see just how far he needs to go to hurt you all over again. Please, don't let curiosity get the better of you. It's over. It's been over for months and it's time HE got the message. This is a no-go area, and he has no right trespassing. Why would he want in? Please don't think for one nanosecond that he's thought how lovely, how nice, how comforting it's going to be for YOU to do this. It's all from his perspective. Please. Let it go, and please - don't do it.
Silver_star Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Don't do it. He is not in love with you, or changing his mind about things. He just wants to get some attention. If he really cared about your feelings he would have given you ALL the time you needed and not reached out to give you any kind of false hope. He doesn't sound sad like he misses you, he sounds like he is baiting you. He is wanting to see where your headspace is at so he can have some attention from you. Maybe as a friend, maybe as more. But you aren't ready for that, and he shouldn't be so selfish. Take my advice, and don't meet up with him. Just skip it. Do you really want him to "fist bump" you and treat you like a platonic friend after everything you guys had?
candie13 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 He's trying to manipulate you, see you and then convince himself he did the right thing by leaving you. I would not respond. I would not acknowledge his existance. I wouldn't even refuse to See him. I'd be silent. Otherwise, if You feel you have to see him, take some of the power back & Set up a coffee Date when you feel like itt, in some neutral place. Either way, if you see him, you have a huge huge opportiunity to ask all the questions you have, get clarity and thus obtain closure. What you should not do in any case is go there filled with hope of reconciliation & be heartbroken when that doesn't quite Happen.
mightycpa Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 The short answer is to put an end to this dialogue. Something along the lines of What part of I don't want to hear from you! do you not understand? Leave me alone. I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk to you, and until that day comes, LEAVE ME ALONE. You don't need to see him to know that he doesn't want to get back together with you. You already understand that, i can tell. As a result, it doesn't matter what his reaction is to your brushoff.
Author bitterlemon Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 I did it. I told him honestly I'm not ready to see him because I've been working very hard to move on and seeing him would just take me backwards. He immediately replied that he understands and asks me not to worry. He then said that maybe he shouldn't have texted me but he was worried. I know I did the right thing but I'm just so sad right now. 3
Silver_star Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Good job bitterlemon. You did what you had to do for you. He doesn't need to worry about you anymore either. You are not a lost cause, and you have SO much to look forward to. I think you will find someone much better. Keep that in mind and focus on yourself. Lose his contact number, and keep on doing an awesome job of not contacting him. If he does reach out too soon again, just ignore it.
Standard-Fare Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I remember when I was going through my last big breakup (dumped) I was doing a lot of reading about the dumper's perspective, and how they would behave if they did indeed realize they made a big mistake and wanted to get their partner back. Pretty much universally, the advice I found emphasized that the dumper would make it crystal clear if they wanted to explore getting back together. It wouldn't just be meaningless texts, confusing head games, and other breadcrumbs without direct intent. Those things are only attempts to make themselves feel better about ditching you, or attempts to continue to feel some emotional control over you. Anything short of a clear line of communication expressing "I made a mistake, I miss you, and I think we should try again" is not worth your time, essentially. 2
bluefeather Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I did it. I told him honestly I'm not ready to see him because I've been working very hard to move on and seeing him would just take me backwards. He immediately replied that he understands and asks me not to worry. He then said that maybe he shouldn't have texted me but he was worried. I know I did the right thing but I'm just so sad right now. I know it's tough. Believe me... But sweetie, unless he is straight out saying "I screwed up and I want you back, please..." you can't give him your words or time. Anything less than what I said is just him trying to make himself feel better. Like you said, it's about guilt he is trying to ease, but on your behalf. It is very selfish. Even what you said probably helped take the edge off of him for a while. Just the fact that you give him words makes him feel better. The fact that he knows you are there reading his texts makes him feel better. You need to stop that. People can say to block him and I would agree, but at least stop replying if it's too hard to do.
candie13 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I did it. I told him honestly I'm not ready to see him because I've been working very hard to move on and seeing him would just take me backwards. He immediately replied that he understands and asks me not to worry. He then said that maybe he shouldn't have texted me but he was worried. I know I did the right thing but I'm just so sad right now. You're a good person. Now focus hard on moving on and do everything you can to block him out of your head and meet friends, go out, change air and ideas. I know you feel like grieving and closing yourself off, but please don't. I don't know how long you've been together, but 3 months is ok to grieve. Allow yourself to feel better and jump up. Try to have nice holidays, go out with the girls and have fun. I agree that NC means not reading him, not seeing him, not stalking him on social media, no looking at pictures, not even thinking or even talking about him. No more headspace. Delete, unfriend and if too difficult... block. Protect yourself. Think of yourself first and trust us, these tricks may seem meaningless, but they work big time. The sooner you put everything that reminds you of him behind you, the sooner you start healing. It's almost like a re-birth, no half measures allowed. So do it properly, cut all contact clean. Sounds shocking, but it works big time, I promise ! Lots of courage, you can do it :bunny: !!!
candie13 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 oh, and I've forgotten to congratulate you - you've done sooooo well to have refused to see him. Very well! You're so strong! Well done, OP!!!
Author bitterlemon Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Silver_star, standard-fare , blue feather, mightycpa, candie13 and taramaiden2, Thank you so much for your words, you guys really gave me the strength to do what I had to. You're right, I consider myself a mature and rational person, despite being the notorious Pisces, and I did think long and hard and even wrote my reply over and over again, sometimes leaning one way or the other. And finally I decided that if he does want me back he would have to make more effort than simply texting. I was putting myself in the dumper's shoes and considering what these mean. I wouldn't expect him to be much less confused than when he initiated the break up, but it should be obvious if he wants reconciliation. In the end, he knows where I live and work, or even a phone call. So until then, I'm going to continue my healing so that I may eventually meet someone who deserves me! Will update if anything else comes up and stay strong everyone who's going through **** as well!! 2
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