EnniA Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 4 months of nc, 8 months post bu told him to not contact me he hasn't. I miss him like crazy tonight, crying my eyes out! I was doing well, is this normal? Am i even going to get better? I mean am 27, not that young anymore and al the stress of people around me getting married and having babies. I really want to know if its normal to miss him aftee so long apart and after i was told i am not loved anymore! The pain is killing me, ii have no strength left! I dont even want to live, please make this pain stop
Nickr3023 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Sure it's normal, there's no designated amount of time that someone is supposed to heal. How long were you guys together? It took me almost 2 full years to get over my ex of 9 years. It wasn't a bad day every single day for 2 years, but there were still days where it would feel like my world was falling apart. 7
Wewon Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 First, the title of your post is very disturbing, I hope that you're doing better than the title implies. That being said, 27 is still very young and certainly nothing to worry yourself over. There is plenty of time to meet someone and start a family. Is your grief "normal"? It depends on a lot of factors such as how long you were together, the intensity of the relationship, you overall constitution (some people simply are more sensitive and grieve longer), why you broke up etc. As you can see, there is a lot of variables here. Do you have any friends or family that you can talk to maybe to distract yourself or vent? If you feel together enough, one way to deal with grief is to devote some time to helping others. Maybe volunteer to a cause that you feel is important and help out friends or neighbors that need it. It will take the focus off of your own grief and allow you to contribute to the well being of others for a while. 3
xuanqi1988 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I feel ya sister.Being 27 myself.,I don't feel the pressure to get married soon, but if I was with a guy I would most definitely want him to commit. Maybe you don't miss him but you miss the company, That happens to the best of us when the loneliness hits us or seeing other couples happy together. Sometimes the pain is created by ourselves instead of the other person. Don't let it get to you. hold on and be strong, until the next person comes along. 3
warrior04 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I have gone through a breakup or 2 in my time. Of course you still love him and it hurts like hell bc you put everything you had into him and the relationship. The biggest thing to do during this time is to better yourself and get out and don't stop your life. I know it is easier said than done but, TRUST ME it will get easier as time passes. Don't worry about getting into another relationship yet bc it wouldn't be fair to the next man if your not ready. I am a man and take it from me that I have rushed into a relationship before and it will not last when you miss someone that much. if he is ignoring you and being a dick than the hell with him. Again I know there are many men looking for a woman that can love someone hard. you are 27 you still have a lot of time left on this earth to meet your soul mate. But, in the meantime just enjoy life, enjoy the fact that you are young and are ALIVE. don't worry about anything. just do you and do what ok have to do to get stronger. This pain might last a day, a week, or even a year. But, I promise you the pain will subside and something better will take its place. DO NOT GIVE UP!! 7
DontBreakEven Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 You are not alone. Pain is killing me too. I miss her so so so much. We will get through this. *Hugs* 2
Author EnniA Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 Thank you all for the replies! I have nobody to talk to so your words mean a lot to me. He has sb new, i found out on new years eve! I was devastated, she is only 17 and he plans to marry her! This life is so unfair, i am dying while the ******* who caused tgis pain is having the time of his life 1
LetGGOO Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I'm so sorry you are feeling this right now. Don't give up, it will get better soon. I'm also in the same place right now and luckily because I have had just as devastating a breakup before, I know for a fact that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep your head up, try by all means to keep busy and do things that you enjoy...the best way is to create new memories so as to stop fantasizing over the older ones. Please hang in there, we will all get through it 3
Zapbasket Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 It is quite normal to miss someone for a long time. Possibly for the rest of your life. But as long as the rest of your life doesn't come to a halt due to grief and what if's, then you are okay. Lean into your friendships. Make new ones. Create new goals--short-term at first since big-picture thinking can sometimes pull you back into grief over what you have lost and the dreams you had with that person. Seek out ways to grow more love for yourself, and practice loving yourself even when you're wallowing in bed, feeling like your life is over. Eventually, the fog begins to clear and you see this wonderful companion you've cultivated: YOU. Once you see yourself in the fullness of your own true lovability, true healing can begin. During this process, try not to judge. Don't let anyone tell you you should be anywhere other than where you are, but also listen when people are concerned about you and want to see you better off. I promise you that there are many of us out there who carry pain for years over lost loves, but we just fold that pain into the pastry of our lives and bake something else with it, something even more beautiful and delicate, because it contains the full range of human experience. To fully appreciate sweet, you have to know sour. 6
Jack1234 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Sometimes no matter where you are, who you're with, or what you're doing, you will hurt. The only thing you can do during these times are acknowledge 1. There's nothing wrong with me and 2. Everything is impermanent. These simple concepts are the only logic that can provide any help when painful emotions take control. I'm hurting like you and know how confusing, painful, and pointless everything may seem. However, I would not be offering you my support if I was not going through something like this. We need to suffer to evolve and bring out the unconditional love deep inside of us. Everything has purpose, whether we see it or not. 3
elly key Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Thank you all for the replies! I have nobody to talk to so your words mean a lot to me. He has sb new, i found out on new years eve! I was devastated, she is only 17 and he plans to marry her! This life is so unfair, i am dying while the ******* who caused tgis pain is having the time of his life He's going to marry in 8 month after breakup? And she's only 17? The guy is a jerk. He's not respectful to your feelings and he's just a user. Try to analyze his bad sides and you will see that this guy is unworthy. I had a perfect relationship but my bf turned to be a betrayer. He gave up our feeling for his selfishness. He made our post-breakup period to be a torture for me. I realize this and it makes me feel better as all this could happen when we are married (as we planned). Think what if he ruined your marriage for someone who is 17? You are a much better person than he is. Hope your pain fades away eventually. 2
Author EnniA Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 Guys thank you, coming here and reading ur replies eases my pain! It feels good to know there are people who have gone through the same and have made it or other people who are going through the same pain but still have the strength to help others. Yes elly, he is a selfish jerk, but i will do my best to put the relationship with him behind! The only thing bothering me is his happiness, i am mean i know, but he does not deserve to be happy, not after dumping me without never saying he is sorry, after all the broken promises and dreams! As if i never mattered, he made me feel worthless, ugly, he hurt me badly. As mean as it sounds i hope justice gets him. He never never explained why he broke up or say he was sorry and this was the main why i could not move on. Now i know that he may have never loved me and this motivates me to look ahead! Thank you guys once again, your words warm my heart. I hope you all have a happy new year and may all your wishes come true! 2
elly key Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Guys thank you, coming here and reading ur replies eases my pain! It feels good to know there are people who have gone through the same and have made it or other people who are going through the same pain but still have the strength to help others. Yes elly, he is a selfish jerk, but i will do my best to put the relationship with him behind! The only thing bothering me is his happiness, i am mean i know, but he does not deserve to be happy, not after dumping me without never saying he is sorry, after all the broken promises and dreams! As if i never mattered, he made me feel worthless, ugly, he hurt me badly. As mean as it sounds i hope justice gets him. He never never explained why he broke up or say he was sorry and this was the main why i could not move on. Now i know that he may have never loved me and this motivates me to look ahead! Thank you guys once again, your words warm my heart. I hope you all have a happy new year and may all your wishes come true! I truly understand your feelings. My ex didn't say he was sorry either. And I also thought it wasn't fair for him to be happy while I'm not after all stuff he did to me. After you move on, you won't send him bad thoughts anymore. You will just feel like you don't care. When you feel like whatever it will mean you won this internal fight and his emotional abuse will never hurt you again. Be happy. 2
Author EnniA Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 I truly understand your feelings. My ex didn't say he was sorry either. And I also thought it wasn't fair for him to be happy while I'm not after all stuff he did to me. After you move on, you won't send him bad thoughts anymore. You will just feel like you don't care. When you feel like whatever it will mean you won this internal fight and his emotional abuse will never hurt you again. Be happy. Sometimes i really dont care but mostly i do, i really wish the days when i don't care comes sooner! I am glad you made it. I will make it too, hugs to you 3
kielnug Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I don't know if this is reassuring or not, but I have had few, but very long relationships. The shortest 2 years, the longest 12, and only 4 I can call a relationship. And despite having really good reasons to get out of the two longest (10/12 years), each relation have left me feeling like the world ended and that I wouldn' ever meet anyone agaon. And I didn't... Until a few years had passed by. I was once told that losing a serious relation, is like someone close to you dies. In terms of grief and recovery. And a yearlog sorrow is not uncommon. I've tried rushing into new people, but it hasn't been good. For the "other" or me. Not as long as my mind is still depending on the old love. THAT SAID. There is really no reason to waste your love on someone who a) Ignores you b) Treat you badly Then you just manage to get exactly the opposite of what you signed up for and don't prove much more than your own will and capacity in self-destruction. And I know it's hard to be rational about this, but giving yourself tasks of ignoring him, at least for hours/days/weeks/months... (increasingly), kinda not allow yourself to be diminished by a reckless lover. There is a difference, when the love is "real", but for some reason very difficult. THEN it can be good to think it through a lot. But when he's about to marry a 17 year old girl... Dunno his age (and I kinda wonder if he is suicidal), but then... Try anger... But ignorance is probably a better way. Best 3
Satu Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 It took me two years to heal from a very painful breakup, but I'm happier now than I ever have been, and I love my life. When you're in the tunnel, it seems like there's nothing outside the tunnel, but eventually you heal, and come out into the sunshine again. You'll get through this. Take care. 2
K2z Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 It took me two years to heal from a very painful breakup, but I'm happier now than I ever have been, and I love my life. When you're in the tunnel, it seems like there's nothing outside the tunnel, but eventually you heal, and come out into the sunshine again. You'll get through this. Take care. I am only a half year and and a couple weeks in. In relative terms, I have made a significant recovery but I am still suffering quite badly and find it hard to accept the above. In two years time, I do think-- intellectually for now, not emotionally speaking-- that I will be okay. The hardest part for me is the sense of betrayal. 2
Satu Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I am only a half year and and a couple weeks in. In relative terms, I have made a significant recovery but I am still suffering quite badly and find it hard to accept the above. In two years time, I do think-- intellectually for now, not emotionally speaking-- that I will be okay. The hardest part for me is the sense of betrayal. It's not possible to put a time on it, because It's not about time, but about distance travelled. Everyone is different. You have to feel all the feelings, and let them flow freely. Externalise them by talking to a therapist or a friend. Write about your thoughts and feelings. Journalling can be incredibly helpful. Just let yourself move through the process... The feelings become less and less intense, and eventually they wind down and run out of steam. As regards the betrayal: The key to dealing with anger is externalising it. You can do this by: Speaking about it to a trustworthy person, writing about it, or any other means of expression that works for you. Anger is very physical, so physical ways of externalising it can be be particularly helpful. Some examples are: Going to a place where nobody can hear you and shouting it out as loud as you can, for as long as you can. Hitting a punch bag until you can't punch any more. Breaking something, and then breaking the fragments, until the pieces are small enough to grind beneath your boot/shoe. Slashing up cardboard boxes (pycho-style) with a big knife. ( This was a favourite of mine ) You can think about this and come up with your own ideas. Take care. Heal yourself. 1
K2z Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 Those are good ideas. My approach right now might be too mild. I talk to the ceiling. I talk to her (in absentia). I mutter to myself the contents of my final letter to her, which of course I know by heart. Those are the most distilled possible expression of what I had to say in a polite idiom-- and then I throw in a few bonus phrases like "You are a user, a liar, and a betrayer" and "I have zero trust left for you. ZERO. And I hope your new husband is a lot smarter than he looks, because then he will know not to trust you either." And of course I talk to a therapist. The pain has morphed from a life-threatening neurosis I would quell with a quart of vodka a day, to a simple cold ache and sense of resentment. That's progress, I guess. She is the biggest mistake of my life, on several different and distinct levels.
NS14 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 I don't have any advice to add, but I'm in the same boat- 3 months on from a 3 year relationship, and I just want to get through all the hurt and pain. I don't know whether he's moved on- I've been able to stay oblivious and remain NC and off fb and away from his friends and its helped. I dread the day that I find out though. Crying definitely helps! And talking to people who'll listen. Take care and hugs 2
Itspointless Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 i found out on new years eve! I was devastated, she is only 17 and he plans to marry her! This life is so unfair Hm, I do not think that will last a long happy ever after. If he is serious about this than changes are pretty big that she will hurt him pretty bad. 1
kittyxo Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 4 months of nc, 8 months post bu told him to not contact me he hasn't. I miss him like crazy tonight, crying my eyes out! I was doing well, is this normal? Am i even going to get better? I mean am 27, not that young anymore and al the stress of people around me getting married and having babies. I really want to know if its normal to miss him aftee so long apart and after i was told i am not loved anymore! The pain is killing me, ii have no strength left! I dont even want to live, please make this pain stop Hi there, I am in the same boat as you. Im 28 and all of my friends are getting married and having babies - 2 of my closest friends are actually getting married this year so I am definetely feeling the pressure. I know its hard. The one thing that helps me is to think of all the bad things he did to me in the relationship which actually helps me move on. I try not to think of the good times and the good memories because that;s what brings me down the most. Also, you need to really sit down and realize your worth. Do you have any friends that you can go out with? You have to think of something where you can really get back to being yourself. Keep busy! 2
Author EnniA Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 Guys thank you all, im feeling ok now, at least not that sad! So to all of u feeling this way, it does get better! Hugs and kisess Time is the best healer indeed. 1
thespacey1 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 It is quite normal to miss someone for a long time. Possibly for the rest of your life. But as long as the rest of your life doesn't come to a halt due to grief and what if's, then you are okay. Lean into your friendships. Make new ones. Create new goals--short-term at first since big-picture thinking can sometimes pull you back into grief over what you have lost and the dreams you had with that person. Seek out ways to grow more love for yourself, and practice loving yourself even when you're wallowing in bed, feeling like your life is over. Eventually, the fog begins to clear and you see this wonderful companion you've cultivated: YOU. Once you see yourself in the fullness of your own true lovability, true healing can begin. During this process, try not to judge. Don't let anyone tell you you should be anywhere other than where you are, but also listen when people are concerned about you and want to see you better off. I promise you that there are many of us out there who carry pain for years over lost loves, but we just fold that pain into the pastry of our lives and bake something else with it, something even more beautiful and delicate, because it contains the full range of human experience. To fully appreciate sweet, you have to know sour. I know replying late,but this response is pretty spot on. So I had to give you props for this. I've received lots of good advice from my thread as well,but no matter how many responses ses we get about our breakups, there will be people who try to convince us that because we grieve differently from them, we're wrong or completely off. OP, I truly hope you're doing better. I'm going through what I think are the ending stages of my grieving. I've continued living my life, working, dated other people, etc but I've found myself still having thoughts(not regrets necessarily) of my relationship with my ex-fiance. It wasn't all bad, but I had to leave him for my own good and wellness. I think when you're a good hearted person and loved ones misunderstand you, it really hurts. My ex resented me for leaving our relationship and catching him off guard. My first few months post breakup(about a year ago), I didnt think I'd make it this far without moving to another state or country even. But I've managed to still be here. It still hurts sometimes really bad because we expect our lives to be different. Remember thought,it's not the end of your life and that man loved you(as mine did) for a reason. Now love yourself, for all the sweet& fierce things you know you are! If he reaches out ,no need to be nasty. You've just reached a point where for some reason you two had to be apart temporarily or permanently. Hope you're doing well... 1
swang Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Hey, hope all is well. It's been more than three months since the end of my 8 years relationship. It dragged on for awhile, and it went from being a peaceful split to tough good byes. There were probably times where we could potentially get back together, but it never worked out. I've had go to nc, and even then, I recently had a dream that kicked me right back to first base. What can you say, **** happens. Stay strong, there are many that are going through the same thing. 1
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