bathtub-row Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 I think she's being unbalanced about this. This illness that her friend has isn't curable and it's a bad situation, no question, but it's not like someone battling cancer or the flu. I'm not sure what all the focus is except to get dragged into the drama of her friend. I get that she wants to be there for her but she's taking it to the extreme. If I were you, I'd give it some time and see if the drama dies down. If nothing changes in another 2 or 3 months, then you probably need to re-think things. In the meantime, try to be supportive and don't put pressure on her. Find other people to do things with, etc.
genuinelyloverly7 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Question: Do you believe there's something more serious going on in your GF's friendship to this girl, i.e could it be considered emotionally abusive in some way, or might there even be some tinges of lesbianism they're not acknowledging publicly? Girls can definitely have intense female friendships at that age, but the way you're describing it sounds like there's more going on, that crosses over into a psychologically unhealthy territory. The potential schizophrenia you mention could be to blame for this. If this girl is indeed developing that - that's a big deal and might be responsible for these kinds of unhealthy strains in her relationships. Rather than being blindly accepting and supportive, your GF should also be maintaining some kind of distance from the aspects of mental illness that are beyond her grasp. Including "lesbianism" in your comments about her mental illness infers that being a lesbian or gay is a mental illness and is not okay IMO. If this was unwittingly done, I know word meaning online is hard to interpret all the time... But if your deliberately implying this you really should do some research. It's a terribly outdated way of viewing sexuality.
Standard-Fare Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Including "lesbianism" in your comments about her mental illness infers that being a lesbian or gay is a mental illness and is not okay IMO. If this was unwittingly done, I know word meaning online is hard to interpret all the time... But if your deliberately implying this you really should do some research. It's a terribly outdated way of viewing sexuality. Uh didn't for one moment intend to connect lesbianism* with mental illness. I brought it up as one possibility of something "more serious" going on in the friendship. *And P.S. I'm bisexual, and have had some intense female friendships with lesbian tinges. That's why I'm mentioning it. When a friendship is that all-consuming, and it threatens a woman's romantic relationship with a guy, it's something to consider.
katiegrl Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Focusing all or most of her time on her friend, while ignoring you, is bad enough, but what's even more troubling IMO is the way she speaks to you when you express your feelings! I mean her response *that she is going to focus on her sick friend for as long as she can, and if you feel pushed away, that's your problem"? Really? WTF! That is rude, and certainly NOT indicative of a woman who cares about you, or your feelings, or anything else re you and your relationship! Move on ....she doesn't give a crap....clearly! And I agree with a previous poster that there may be more going on here (and between them) other than mental illness.
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Your girlfriend seems worryingly obsessed with her girlfriend: rather than being just a good friend, this level of intensity where the friend is taking hours per day, your girlfriend ignoring other important relationships, to me it sounds as though the friendship is pretty unhealthy, it's not good for your girlfriend's friend even to have her hand held through every small difficulty, something like schizophrenia is very real and hard to live with but it's not a condition that just gets cured one day, she's going to have to find the right balance of medication, a decent therapist, and learn to live with it. If every time she has a hard moment she runs to your girlfriend who soothes her, fixes the initial problem and then gives her lots and lots of attention, is the friend ever really going to learn how to manage things herself? However, for you, none of that matters. What matters is she's not treating you like someone she cares about. Either she isn't that into you anyway, or she's enjoying playing the martyr a little bit too much, neither of which are good signs for your relationship. It sounds like she has very poor boundaries. If her friend can't go the few hours while your girlfriend is having dinner with her partner without needing her attention, she needs to be in an inpatient facility. Your girlfriend isn't prioritising your relationship. One of my very best friends has a serious physical illness, it's terminal but hard to say how long he has left because it's rare for anyone with his condition to actually survive this long with it. He's in severe pain, has to have plasma exchanges with his blood every week for a few days at a time, lately he can't even walk anymore because there was a delay with his treatment and his muscles in his legs wasted away as a result. Yet the friendship and me supporting him never gets in the way of my friendship with my boyfriend. You can be a great friend and support someone deeply without it taking over all day every day, your girlfriend either doesn't care or really sucks at maintaining boundaries and organising her time between different demands, not a good candidiate for a partner unfortunately.
Author memento mori Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 I'm wondering if you saw my questions below and how you'd respond to them. (Not that I'd want you to respond to anything you don't want to of course - if so feel free to ignore.) The sick friend DOES have a crush on my gf, its super obvious. She keeps touching, kissing on the cheek abd has a folder on her phone with pictures of my gf. Hwoever i trust my girlfriend, and know that she would not cheat. She says she sometimes feels asexual, so im not vorried about the cheating part. The sick friend is very manipulative though, and my girlfriend looves to feel like a victim or martyr. Last night my girlfriend made it clear by saying: all that matters right now is my friend knowing i was there for her when she needed me the most. And that right now she does not care of what i feel or think
phineas Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Including "lesbianism" in your comments about her mental illness infers that being a lesbian or gay is a mental illness and is not okay IMO. If this was unwittingly done, I know word meaning online is hard to interpret all the time... But if your deliberately implying this you really should do some research. It's a terribly outdated way of viewing sexuality. Lol. Seriously? 1
phineas Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 The sick friend DOES have a crush on my gf, its super obvious. She keeps touching, kissing on the cheek abd has a folder on her phone with pictures of my gf. Hwoever i trust my girlfriend, and know that she would not cheat. She says she sometimes feels asexual, so im not vorried about the cheating part. The sick friend is very manipulative though, and my girlfriend looves to feel like a victim or martyr. Last night my girlfriend made it clear by saying: all that matters right now is my friend knowing i was there for her when she needed me the most. And that right now she does not care of what i feel or think There is your answer. Honestly I think your gf is using her sick friend as an excuse to push you away. And if she isn't then why the hell are you with her? You want to spend the rest of your life like this? Who would want that? Break up and go find a woman that likes you and wants to have sex.
Standard-Fare Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 The sick friend DOES have a crush on my gf, its super obvious. She keeps touching, kissing on the cheek abd has a folder on her phone with pictures of my gf. Hwoever i trust my girlfriend, and know that she would not cheat. She says she sometimes feels asexual, so im not vorried about the cheating part. The sick friend is very manipulative though, and my girlfriend looves to feel like a victim or martyr. Last night my girlfriend made it clear by saying: all that matters right now is my friend knowing i was there for her when she needed me the most. And that right now she does not care of what i feel or think There's physical cheating and emotional cheating. I think you'd agree that your GF is cheating emotionally. The crush thing makes total sense. And even if it looks innocent on the surface, and even if there's been zero sexual activity between them, when that vibe is there it can certainly ramp up the intensity of the dynamic. Whether or not your GF reciprocates the crush or feels real any attraction toward her friend, just having that element there complicates things. It means that that friend is demanding her energy in a possessive, almost lover-type way.
smackie9 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 OHHHHH so now we get to crucial piece of info. Dude stop being in denial. She's cheating on you. Your trust is blinding you. 1
katiegrl Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 OHHHHH so now we get to crucial piece of info. Dude stop being in denial. She's cheating on you. Your trust is blinding you. He may be in denial, but frankly, I get the sense even if he were to discover them in bed together, he STILL wouldn't leave. He said himself he is afraid of being alone, afraid he will never find someone else, never "get over" her. IMO, THAT is the bigger issue and one he needs to take steps to resolve. The hell with his mean, insensitive, cheating sad excuse for a girlfriend. OP, work on yourself, otherwise, you will never find a happy healthy mutually rewarding relationship with anyone!
Samhain Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 You don't really have a relationship anymore, so other than the finality of it, ending things wouldn't make much difference to your life as it stands. The sea is wide, there are many, many fish. Just curious though, who first suggested to wait until marriage to have sex? If it was her, maybe she's been into women all along, and is just afraid of being open about it for one reason or another. When people throw all of their time and effort into something other than the person they are supposed to be putting most effort into, there's always going to be way more to the story than meets the eye. 1
Author memento mori Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 If i found out she cheated on me, even if it was a pek on the lips of her freind, i whould leave her without second thoughts. I want to talk to her about it, but dont know how. It feels like she wants to end it, but is trying to make me make the move..
lchf Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 If i found out she cheated on me, even if it was a pek on the lips of her freind, i whould leave her without second thoughts. I want to talk to her about it, but dont know how. It feels like she wants to end it, but is trying to make me make the move.. Why do you need evidence of a kiss to leave her? This girl explicity said she doesn't give two *****s about you. You need to gain some self respect I'm afraid. Lot's of good advice in this thread that I think you're ignoring.
Standard-Fare Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Here are the facts about your girlfriend: - She's engaged in an intense relationship with a possibly schizophrenic female friend who has a crush on her and domineers her time and emotional energy. - She has expressed both indirectly and directly that this is her main priority in life. - She has shown little concern when you've addressed this issue as a threat to your relationship, and little sensitivity to the ways it's irritated, angered, and hurt you. - She has also shown zero signs that she's willing to work to improve the situation. So is she really giving you any choice here? 1
Author memento mori Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 it makes sense, what you all are saying. If the ONLY reason for me to be in this relationship, is because im afraid to end up alone...thats not a good reason to stay. I have decided to give it some time(maybe a month or so), if things does not get better, i WILL end it. Because i dont have time to waste. thanks alot for the support, you guys are awsome
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