girlfriend obsessed with sick friend

[memento mori]

Hey all, i have a tough one for you.

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year now, and we are both 22.

We have had a pretty rough time with lots of ups and downs. Lately however, things have gone really bad. My girlfriends best friend has mental-issues, and everyone thinks she is developing schizophrenia which runs in the family. This has ofcourse hurt my girlfriend very badly, and i have been supporting her for a very long time. In the last few months though, my girlfriend has been completely obessed with her sick friend, trying to help her in everyway she can.

 

Now this mind sound a bit selfish, but this friend being sick has hurt our relationship so badly. I can basically never be with my girlfriend without her either texting this sick friend,calling her or doing something else while im there with her. She has basically been ignoring me for almost a month, all focused on this friend. The worst part is that when we sometimes go on dates, she starts talking to this freind of hers on the phone while i just sit there and stare at the wall. And when i ask for her attention she gets really mad at me, saying the most hurtful things to me. She has basically been compelitety obsessed with this sick friend for almost 6 months, but the last month has been the worse. It feels like she is starting to exclude me from her life.

 

I brought this up to her, telling her that i feel pushed away. Her response was that she is going to focus on the sick friend as long as she can, and if i feel pushed away thats my problem. She says she does not need to give me any attention because im not sick and her friend is.

 

So my problem is basically me feeling alone. It might sound selfish, but i dont feel its right for her to ignore me, even though her friend is sick(which she has been for months). And if things are gonna go on like this, im not sure what im gonna do. Right now im not getting anything out of this relationship other than pain and hurtfulness.

 

How would you solve this case? Any input would help, thanks alot.

 

PS: read my other post for more background info.

[smackie9]

Tell her this seems to be a bad time for you both to be in a relationship so maybe it's time to take a break and date other people until she is finished "focusing" on her friend. Who knows maybe you will meet a real nice attentive girl.

[neowulf]

Being able to balance conflicting needs is a part of being a grown up.

 

Clearly, she doesn't value you or your relationship all that much.

 

I'm with Smackie on this one. Time to call a time out for a bit and date other people.

[Qboro90]

Tell her this seems to be a bad time for you both to be in a relationship so maybe it's time to take a break and date other people until she is finished "focusing" on her friend. Who knows maybe you will meet a real nice attentive girl.

 

Sorry but this is terrible advice... Break up with her because she's been trying to be there for her best friend whos battling an illness right now?

 

Or maybe OP can commend his gf on how supportive she has been for her friend and how he knows it's taking a toll on her too. He respects the fact that she wants to be there for her. Admit that you feel selfish for even saying it but due to the fact that you don't get to see each other all the time, sometimes you just want to have uninterrupted time to be with one another and miss that the last 8 weeks or so.

 

Telling her she needs to stop talking so much to her friend and pay attention to him isn't gonna go well. Complimenting her and making her see his side of it will result in her sympathy and thus more attention.

[Keenly]

Sorry but this is terrible advice... Break up with her because she's been trying to be there for her best friend whos battling an illness right now?

 

Or maybe OP can commend his gf on how supportive she has been for her friend and how he knows it's taking a toll on her too. He respects the fact that she wants to be there for her. Admit that you feel selfish for even saying it but due to the fact that you don't get to see each other all the time, sometimes you just want to have uninterrupted time to be with one another and miss that the last 8 weeks or so.

 

Telling her she needs to stop talking so much to her friend and pay attention to him isn't gonna go well. Complimenting her and making her see his side of it will result in her sympathy and thus more attention.

 

I think you missed the point. He wouldn't be breaking up with her because she is supporting a sick friend. That is a terrible way to twist it. He would be breaking up with her because he is no longer a priority in her life, and she can't even sacrifice a few hours of her devotion to spend with her BOYFRIEND, who is supposed to be in the top 5 of most important people in her life.

She has made the choice that her friend is so important to her, that boyfriends wants and emotional needs do not matter.

 

That is why he would be breaking up with her, if that were to happen.

[Qboro90]

I think you missed the point. He wouldn't be breaking up with her because she is supporting a sick friend. That is a terrible way to twist it. He would be breaking up with her because he is no longer a priority in her life, and she can't even sacrifice a few hours of her devotion to spend with her BOYFRIEND, who is supposed to be in the top 5 of most important people in her life.

She has made the choice that her friend is so important to her, that boyfriends wants and emotional needs do not matter.

 

That is why he would be breaking up with her, if that were to happen.

 

 

No longer a priority in her life? He's supposed to be in the top 5 important people list? What is this MySpace? They're 22 years old, not 45yo married for 15 years. The OP says it's been bad for the last month. You're not supposed to make your BF/gf a higher priority than your friends at their age. She might have been friends with the sick girl since they were 6 years old.... She's battling an illness and his gf is her support system. That's a illness where she can say it's a serious problem. The OP not getting enough attention because when he hangs out with his gf she sometimes looks at her phone and talks to her friend..... Um, I think the mental illness takes the cake for being more of a priority.

[Standard-Fare]

I do think it's time to have the conversation with your girlfriend of "Should we break up?" Fact is you are miserable in the current situation and your girlfriend's showing no signs that things will change.

 

It would be the same if your GF was devoting an excessive amount of time to a certain hobby, or spending too much time at work. You can't live with being a second-tier priority in her life, and she can't change, so the answer might have to be parting ways.

 

She may view that as selfish and lacking compassion on your part, but you need to frame it more as "It's not you, it's this situation we've found ourselves in that I don't see a resolution to."

[Keenly]

No longer a priority in her life? He's supposed to be in the top 5 important people list? What is this MySpace? They're 22 years old, not 45yo married for 15 years. The OP says it's been bad for the last month. You're not supposed to make your BF/gf a higher priority than your friends at their age. She might have been friends with the sick girl since they were 6 years old.... She's battling an illness and his gf is her support system. That's a illness where she can say it's a serious problem. The OP not getting enough attention because when he hangs out with his gf she sometimes looks at her phone and talks to her friend..... Um, I think the mental illness takes the cake for being more of a priority.

 

Well than we can agree to disagree and pretty much everything then. A 1 year relationship is not a priority? Talking on the phone during a date is okay?

 

Age means nothing when there is a fine line between support for a friend and forgetting that a relationship has two people in it and both need to be getting their needs met. Otherwise what is the point? Is he just supposed to stick around being unhappy until.... when exactly? GF is not setting aside time for the boyfriend. She has made her priorities clear, and he is not one of them.

 

 

 

The talking on the phone during a date thing would drive me insane. After 10 minutes I would just get up and leave. It's disrespectful.

[smackie9]

They're 22 years old, not 45yo married for 15 years.

 

Exactly.....they never promised any vows, like for better or for worse, they are just dating. In no way is he obligated to stand by her and support her. She is not a bad person, she has found herself situation that she is letting it affect their relationship.

 

The adult thing to do is have a serious discussion about the situation, share expectations, and then come to a conclusion or some kind of compromise.

 

Usually we see the opposite, the person dealing with family or serious issues is the one to call for a break.

[Qboro90]

Well than we can agree to disagree and pretty much everything then. A 1 year relationship is not a priority? Talking on the phone during a date is okay?

 

Age means nothing when there is a fine line between support for a friend and forgetting that a relationship has two people in it and both need to be getting their needs met. Otherwise what is the point? Is he just supposed to stick around being unhappy until.... when exactly? GF is not setting aside time for the boyfriend. She has made her priorities clear, and he is not one of them.

 

 

 

The talking on the phone during a date thing would drive me insane. After 10 minutes I would just get up and leave. It's disrespectful.

 

Age means a lot in dating. A 16 year old couple is going to behave and react differently than a 60 year old couple married for 30 years. It's not like his gf is ignoring him of neglecting to hang out with him whatsoever. He just wants her complete undivided attention. If he says it's been a month of this being bad, and let's assume they each either work or go to school. They don't live together so he's probably seeing her 1-3 times a week. So over the course of a month, she was on her phone with her mentally sick best friend around 8 times if I'm being generous with the math.

 

My opinion of it, and I could very well be wrong, is that at their age, they each still need to be more idividualistic type people and not let hard times be the gauge for judging the entire relationship. Essentially he had 4 not so great weekends with his gf.... Is one month of things being a little off enough to break them up? If so then they'd never make it anyways.

 

You say that they should be one another's priority. Where's that priority rank tho? Lifelong friend being sick and scared to go through this mental disease alone? Pretty high priority if she is a good friend.... Family? Priority number 1... Job? School?

 

Point is that these two will encounter much much more difficult and serious hurdles to go through if they're together for a long time. If they can't work together on this where she acknowledges his feelings and makes a point to express her attention and affection towards him meanwhile he expressed to her how he understands this is a unexpected situation that none of them have dealt with before or know how to handle so he'll cut her some slack instead of being an added stress factor

[neowulf]

Age means a lot in dating. A 16 year old couple is going to behave and react differently than a 60 year old couple married for 30 years. It's not like his gf is ignoring him of neglecting to hang out with him whatsoever. He just wants her complete undivided attention. If he says it's been a month of this being bad, and let's assume they each either work or go to school. They don't live together so he's probably seeing her 1-3 times a week. So over the course of a month, she was on her phone with her mentally sick best friend around 8 times if I'm being generous with the math.

 

My opinion of it, and I could very well be wrong, is that at their age, they each still need to be more idividualistic type people and not let hard times be the gauge for judging the entire relationship. Essentially he had 4 not so great weekends with his gf.... Is one month of things being a little off enough to break them up? If so then they'd never make it anyways.

 

You say that they should be one another's priority. Where's that priority rank tho? Lifelong friend being sick and scared to go through this mental disease alone? Pretty high priority if she is a good friend.... Family? Priority number 1... Job? School?

 

Point is that these two will encounter much much more difficult and serious hurdles to go through if they're together for a long time. If they can't work together on this where she acknowledges his feelings and makes a point to express her attention and affection towards him meanwhile he expressed to her how he understands this is a unexpected situation that none of them have dealt with before or know how to handle so he'll cut her some slack instead of being an added stress factor

 

Her approach to the whole thing is really what's at fault here.

 

Consider, the boyfriend is feeling neglected. Ok, perhaps that's a little immature of him due to the circumstances, but regardless, it's how he feels.

 

She in response basically takes his feelings and tells him to stuff them. She's got more important things to do. Ok, fair enough. He's got more important things to do than wait around for her to feel generous enough to grace him with her time.

 

Conversation should have gone like;

 

Her: "Look, I'm really sorry. I know I've been really distant lately. I'm just so stressed out about my friend. She's really sick. That said, I know I haven't been much of a girlfriend lately. Maybe we could spend an afternoon together for a couple of hours, I'll turn off my phone".

 

^ That is the conversation you have when you actually give a damn about your partner and want to at least *try* and accommodate them.

 

If she honestly doesn't think she's got time for a boyfriend right now, well, that's her call.

 

Just as it's his call on how long he wants to wait in the wings for her to re-engage with the relationship.

[memento mori]

She has been friends with this sick girl for about a year. And her freind is not THAT sick, she is just socially akward, has kinda poor memory and gets easily distracted and confused. She does manage completely fine on her own.

 

Today my girlfriend asked me to read with her after school, and i joined her. After sitting for about two hours, her sick friends calls her again. My girlfriend immidiatly leaves me to go and hang out with her friend, again totally ignoring me and leaving me by myself.

 

is this behaviour ok??? I think not, but she is still defending herself.

[Standard-Fare]

Question: Do you believe there's something more serious going on in your GF's friendship to this girl, i.e could it be considered emotionally abusive in some way, or might there even be some tinges of lesbianism they're not acknowledging publicly?

 

Girls can definitely have intense female friendships at that age, but the way you're describing it sounds like there's more going on, that crosses over into a psychologically unhealthy territory.

 

The potential schizophrenia you mention could be to blame for this. If this girl is indeed developing that - that's a big deal and might be responsible for these kinds of unhealthy strains in her relationships. Rather than being blindly accepting and supportive, your GF should also be maintaining some kind of distance from the aspects of mental illness that are beyond her grasp.

Edited December 8, 2015 by Standard-Fare

[TheTraveler]

If my gf was treating me that way, I'd dump her instantly.

[Timshel]

Hey all, i have a tough one for you.

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year now, and we are both 22.

We have had a pretty rough time with lots of ups and downs. Lately however, things have gone really bad. My girlfriends best friend has mental-issues, and everyone thinks she is developing schizophrenia which runs in the family. This has ofcourse hurt my girlfriend very badly, and i have been supporting her for a very long time. In the last few months though, my girlfriend has been completely obessed with her sick friend, trying to help her in everyway she can.

 

Now this mind sound a bit selfish, but this friend being sick has hurt our relationship so badly. I can basically never be with my girlfriend without her either texting this sick friend,calling her or doing something else while im there with her. She has basically been ignoring me for almost a month, all focused on this friend. The worst part is that when we sometimes go on dates, she starts talking to this freind of hers on the phone while i just sit there and stare at the wall. And when i ask for her attention she gets really mad at me, saying the most hurtful things to me. She has basically been compelitety obsessed with this sick friend for almost 6 months, but the last month has been the worse. It feels like she is starting to exclude me from her life.

 

I brought this up to her, telling her that i feel pushed away. Her response was that she is going to focus on the sick friend as long as she can, and if i feel pushed away thats my problem. She says she does not need to give me any attention because im not sick and her friend is.

So my problem is basically me feeling alone. It might sound selfish, but i dont feel its right for her to ignore me, even though her friend is sick(which she has been for months). And if things are gonna go on like this, im not sure what im gonna do. Right now im not getting anything out of this relationship other than pain and hurtfulness.

 

How would you solve this case? Any input would help, thanks alot.

 

PS: read my other post for more background info.

 

Three things:

Trauma drama junkie

She is not in a relationship with you anymore.

It takes two. You are hurt but it's over....walk away.

 

Hidden 4th....live and learn....lot's of other women in the world....you will have love again...do not let little head make big head hurt. Ever.

[smackie9]

 

is this behaviour ok??? I think not, but she is still defending herself.

 

 

Well this is your answer. You both can't meet each others expectations so it's time to move on.

[Myragal]

This is another one of those threads where we are suppose to empathize, etc. This has little to do with your girlfriend obsessing over a sick friend.

 

Just get on with life. Why are you so insecure that you stay in this dysfunctional relationship? So tomorrow you get the attention...next month the new hamster gets it...then her friend again.

 

You are 22. Act like an adult. Move on.

[memento mori]

Im not asking for sympaty my friend.

I am just superconfused right now on how to handle this situation.

I really want the relationship to work, and moving on would be my absolute final option.

[d0nnivain]

It's lovely that someone wants to be supportive of someone who is ill. However, for your GF to constantly text or phone her friend in your presence indicates a lack of interest in your relationship. As you have pointed out, this "sick" friend has family & other supporters & is not in critical danger at the moment. There is no reason, therefore, that your GF can't put her phone down for 3-4 hours to focus on you. Her refusal to do that makes her a bad GF, imo.

[Gaeta]

*We have had a pretty rough time with lots of ups and downs

 

*In the last few months though, my girlfriend has been completely obessed with her sick friend,

 

*She has basically been ignoring me for almost a month

 

* she gets really mad at me, saying the most hurtful things to me.

 

* She says she does not need to give me any attention

 

---> Honey, move on. This relationship has had months of ups and downs, she has been obsessed with her friend for months, now she's completely ignoring you. Your girlfriend is immature, selfish, inconsiderate, impatient. This is not how relationships are suppose to be. They're not suppose to go up and down for months then turn into a 1 month long nightmare.

 

She is an awful person. End it.

[SwordofFlame]

Right now im not getting anything out of this relationship other than pain and hurtfulness.

 

I really want the relationship to work, and moving on would be my absolute final option.

 

It looks like the consensus here is that this relationship can't be saved. Why do you want this to work so bad? Is it fear of being alone? Is the sex that good?

[memento mori]

We dont have sex, we agreed to wait until marriage, which i agreed upon for her sake.

 

I want this to work because im afraid i WILL be alone. And i have to many good memories with her i will never forget. I am afraid ill never get over her.

[Standard-Fare]

I'm wondering if you saw my questions below and how you'd respond to them. (Not that I'd want you to respond to anything you don't want to of course - if so feel free to ignore.)

 

Question: Do you believe there's something more serious going on in your GF's friendship to this girl, i.e could it be considered emotionally abusive in some way, or might there even be some tinges of lesbianism they're not acknowledging publicly?

 

Girls can definitely have intense female friendships at that age, but the way you're describing it sounds like there's more going on, that crosses over into a psychologically unhealthy territory.

 

The potential schizophrenia you mention could be to blame for this. If this girl is indeed developing that - that's a big deal and might be responsible for these kinds of unhealthy strains in her relationships. Rather than being blindly accepting and supportive, your GF should also be maintaining some kind of distance from the aspects of mental illness that are beyond her grasp.

[Gaeta]

We dont have sex, we agreed to wait until marriage, which i agreed upon for her sake.

 

I want this to work because im afraid i WILL be alone. And i have to many good memories with her i will never forget. I am afraid ill never get over her.

 

It's not a good reason enough to stay in a bad relationship with someone who disrespects you.

 

In your life you will have many love and many heartbreaks, it's part of life. You've only been dating 1 year, that's nothing in the big picture of life. People divorce after 10-20 years when they have a life time together, assets together, children together. If they do just fine don't you think you will?

 

Your life is just starting, learn now how to dismiss those who don't enhance your life right away.

 

Your girlfriend is emotionally immature. When a mother has a sick child does she abandon her other children? No a mother will give all of her attention to her sick child and STILL be loving and patient toward her other children.

 

Also, if your girlfriend's mother(father) were dying I would understand her being on her phone all the time and being completely taken by her pain and sadness but a friend with MAYBE schizophrenia?? Really?? No one is dying here!! or paralyzed, or in chronic pain!!! It's sad but it's not a death sentence for her to completely abandon you.

Edited December 9, 2015 by Gaeta

[d0nnivain]

I want this to work because im afraid i WILL be alone. And i have to many good memories with her i will never forget. I am afraid ill never get over her.

 

 

Change is scary. We get that. But it can also be wonderful.

 

 

This relationship isn't meeting any of your needs. Even though you are dreading a worst case scenario, I firmly believe that there is a lid for every pot. While you are tied to her you are precluded from meeting somebody else.

 

 

Yes, the first few weeks will be bad & lonely, especially at this time of year but then you will turn a corner.