Cherryz Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 On the situation itself. I think porn is not something good. And it really can bring separation. Because you can become addicted and soon not meet your partner needs anymore in bed. Or turn into more extreme in the kind of porn you watch ect. Cheating is wrong. But many times alot of other wrongs happen before someone choose to cheat. You lied to stop with porn but didnt. She lied to stop the affair and didnt. What i find disturbing is that she keeps say sorry but then easily sex with him again. Like its a joke. But much more that as a mother she not realize she have kids and cant go sex or date like a teen. Once you parents you both cant think about yourself first. And go date or sleep around. Because the kids suffer by every wrong decision you both make. If you both are willing you could go for some real work at a therapist. And get into the bottom of this and see were to go from there if you want to stay together. Much better was when you ddnt stop watch porn. Or realized you cant stop. But the problem is that she told you already that she is not inlove and want to be freinds. You cant force relationships. So i think your plan of staying with your parents for now is great and the best. I like so much the way you think. Because i see that you are a real dad that dont go do whatever. You really think about your kids! God bless you for that! But i think you need to add some serious boundaries and deadlines,rules with your ex. To avoid extra complications and beside your obligations are with your kids if you are not with her anymore, and not with her. So she need to go get her own money and support herself quick.(looking at how old the kids are??). - till when you will support her?4 months/6 months?year?...(so she need to get her butt up and find a job). - and clear agreement on paper, how you guys gonna take care for the kids? they gonna be whole week with who and so on. what about the financial part for the kids?and so on. So maybe its better to get a lawyer and ask him what is best way to do this and your rigths as father. Get some professional advice at least.And sure at least have something on paper and sign it you and your ex. Because its truth that you never know when things gos wrong and people change or do things based on just emotions sometimes. Thats just how humans are!!!!! And beside you both has shown that you cant keep your word on what both agree on stop porn/stop cheat. So something on paper may be taken more serious and and also you have some guide lines. So no one can lack in their part easily. PS: And kids need stability. So having your own place at a certain point,and having your mom helping you taking care of the kids and babysit could be a great thing. Have a time plan. And work it true. Dont just go support ex endless or give second chances endless. People will walk all over you if you dont stand up for yourself and put a end to bs.
Cherryz Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 And take responsibility for your own part in everything and let her take hers dont take all upon you. Like in the cheating part. we dont know what happen or all that was going on those 6 years. But cheating is wrong. There is no excuse for it! but often its a outcome of many things that are going wrong or cause the person dont feel her needs are being met. Thats why communication is first thing you need in a relationship.
Author RadRacer Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Right now, you are faced with two choices... leave or stay and make it work. As there are kids involved and it does not seem like it is beyond repair, give it a shot! The more you give the more you will get. She will notice the change and there is no bigger turn on than a guy who cares for and loves his family. Emotional connection is something to work on. Except I'm not faced with 2 choices. She has no intentions of trying to work it out. I would love to. I seriously believe there is still a chance of us having a good relationship. But she's done with it. You say the more I give, the more I get. What do you mean by this? It sounds like you're saying be more involved with my kids. I have been, and she has noticed and asked me about that. I enjoy time with my kids, always have and always will. But I'm more into taking pictures and making memories with them now, compared to how I used to be. Before, she did all of the picture taking, and my kids hated how many she took, so I didn't take much. Now, I'm not sure if I'll have access to those pictures, so I've started taking my own. I generally send them to her too, just because I know she'd like to see them. I really want another chance with her. Any suggestions on how to get that? I know I can't force her, and that she has to decide to do it. Some have told me to NC is the best way; she'll miss me and want to come back most likely. If she doesn't, then it won't matter because I'll be getting over her too.
Author RadRacer Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 Lately it's been real hard. Last night I was having trouble sleeping because I kept thinking about us. I told her about it, and she invited me to her bed to snuggle, because "it'll help me sleep." And it did. But now I'm the same this morning, and can't get her out of my mind. She got up this morning with me, which she usually never does. Maybe just a coincidence, I don't know. But when I went to leave we hugged. A nice, big, long hug. I initiated it, but she didn't try to push me away. I'm sure she is just trying to make me feel better. I haven't asked her about getting back together lately, as I was so annoying with it in the beginning that all she does is roll her eyes and tune me out. I'm supposed to stay at my parents this weekend, but I don't know anymore. I'm afraid to not be home with her. I can't get her out of my head right now and it's killing me. I'm ready to curl up in a corner and cry...
Fearful Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Please stop torturing your self. No sane man will accept what your WW is doing to You. She is freely sampling the the groin of other men because You allow it. Since you two have separated, let her go live in her lovers house and regain your sanity. What is pornography compare to cheating? I cant belief you are allowing yourself to be cuckolded by your trash of a partner. You are even thinking of getting back together with her, even if you succeed in begging your way to reconciliation, there will only be zero trust in yjour relationship and at a slight provocation, she will break up with you to gain licence to sleep with other men. Where is your self respect? 1
Author RadRacer Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 Please stop torturing your self. No sane man will accept what your WW is doing to You. She is freely sampling the the groin of other men because You allow it. Since you two have separated, let her go live in her lovers house and regain your sanity. What is pornography compare to cheating? I cant belief you are allowing yourself to be cuckolded by your trash of a partner. You are even thinking of getting back together with her, even if you succeed in begging your way to reconciliation, there will only be zero trust in yjour relationship and at a slight provocation, she will break up with you to gain licence to sleep with other men. Where is your self respect? She's not sleeping around. She has been with 1 other guy, and she hasn't talked to him in weeks now. Its not like she's having a buffet of whatever guy she wants. And it wasn't cheating, Since we were broken up at the time. I didn't take the break up seriously, so it really hurt, but I did agree to it, and essentially gave her permission to see another guy... 1
Author RadRacer Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 A little update for you guys Friday night I was supposed to go to the movies, and then stay the weekend at my parent's. Well, I got screwed on my paycheck, so I skipped the movie. Instead, my ex and I cleaned out our closet. Lots of old memories in there... Her wedding dress (that she never got to wear), pictures, old poems I wrote her, etc. We managed to get through it all, and everything seemed OK. The next night, we had sex. Not entirely sure what led up to it, but it was better than what she was having with the other guy :-P. Today, we dressed up to get pictures taken with the kids for Christmas. At the end of the day, she asked if she could tell me something without it being awkward. I said sure, and she told me how handsome I looked. I complimented her on how she looked earlier, but don't expect a compliment from her. I still plan on moving out, and she knows it. I've asked her about it, and she still doesn't want to talk too much about it. She said we'll figure it out when the time comes, which is fine. I was more curious if she's staying in the house, or moving out, as I would stay in the house if she is. The kids love the neighbors around here, and it's a nice area, so I think one of us should at least stay here.
Author RadRacer Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 Well, this morning I got a text from her saying she thinks we get along better not being together. And I agree with her. Since we split, there has been a lot less stress. She'll still get frustrated with me, but she shrugs it off a minute later, whereas while we were together, we'd fight over it for the next day. Is it possible for us to act this way, but be together? These past couple of days have been real good; we've talked and had fun together, but only as friends. Is this how it has to be for us? She enjoys being around me and talking to me, but she can't be in a relationship with me?
Author RadRacer Posted December 26, 2015 Author Posted December 26, 2015 Little update. While talking the other night, she mentioned the "7 year itch" and that this may be it. Since we've broken up, we get along great, and have had some good nights. She compliments things about me She hasn't in a long time, and vice-versa. I feel we did get too used to each other and took each other for granted. I'm trying to convince her to let me take her out one night now, and see what happens.
EgoJoe Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 She's rationalizing everything to be someone or something else's fault. Kick her out and on. Lawyer up appropriately and stop listening to her words just watch her actions.
Author RadRacer Posted December 26, 2015 Author Posted December 26, 2015 She's rationalizing everything to be someone or something else's fault. Kick her out and on. Lawyer up appropriately and stop listening to her words just watch her actions. I am watching her actions. She's stopped talking to the other guy and has been more intimate with me in the past few weeks. We occasionally shower together, snuggle in bed, hug, kiss, etc. She doesn't treat me like a boyfriend, but she's not completely cutting out all emotions either like she was a month ago. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted December 26, 2015 Posted December 26, 2015 I am watching her actions. She's stopped talking to the other guy and has been more intimate with me in the past few weeks. We occasionally shower together, snuggle in bed, hug, kiss, etc. She doesn't treat me like a boyfriend, but she's not completely cutting out all emotions either like she was a month ago. Notice the correlation between that and no porn? And no lying? My husband is (was) a porn addict. I found out about it almost 7 years ago. We've now been together 11 years. But that came after separating multiple times. Like you, he lied repeatedly and took me for granted. Honestly, I wouldn't be I. Too big of a rush to move out. It seems like you are in a very tender state in which things could go one way or the other. Like your wife I was very comforted by another man finding me attractive. I actually didn't find him attractive, but it helped with my self-esteem monumentally, albeit temporarily. My husband's actions had decimated it. Many men will say "porn is no big deal but sleeping with someone else even after a breakup is total cheating, she's a slut." Whatever. Compare whatever apples and oranges you want. It won't get you anywhere at all. It hurt your partner immensely to the point where she left you. Saying 'she just threw it all away' is totally ingenuine. You threw it away first and foremost because there's vagina on the internet. Without significant enough care or concern for what it did to your partner. I don't see what post break-up significance that has. If she is as special to you as you claim, the focus lies there. Becoming a more trustworthy partner. Either for her or for whomever is down the road. The number one thing I notice on these boards is that men throw in the towel very quickly after THEY break their partner's trust instead of working through the feelings and issues that come with that. I am willing to bet the sex has been better since you quit porn too. I am actually shocked at how much sex has changed for the better with my husband since he quit. Even just the physical reactions he has have changed, if you know what I mean.
Author RadRacer Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 I've been doing OK lately. We had a deep talk last night, and I asked her why she didn't want to try again. She wouldn't give me exact reasons, but she mentioned she didn't want to try again because she wouldn't be faithful. I still think we have a chance, but that is getting bleaker every day. She has started talking to her ex, who she stopped seeing to date me, over 6 years ago. She has admitted she has feelings for him, although she claims its just as a friend. I guess this really is the end, and I should work on moving on.
Nickr3023 Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 I've been doing OK lately. We had a deep talk last night, and I asked her why she didn't want to try again. She wouldn't give me exact reasons, but she mentioned she didn't want to try again because she wouldn't be faithful. I still think we have a chance, but that is getting bleaker every day. She has started talking to her ex, who she stopped seeing to date me, over 6 years ago. She has admitted she has feelings for him, although she claims its just as a friend. I guess this really is the end, and I should work on moving on. Yeah my friend, you are getting walked all over by this woman. A lot of us have been in your situation and done and thought the same thing. That we'll still be ok if we can work on things.....No, you won't. You've both broken each other's trust, and once that's gone, truly forget about being happy. I'm not saying you can't be together in a relationship because plenty of people stay in unhappy and untrustworthy relationships all the time......but they're not happy in them. They just stay because it's comfortable and change and starting over is terrifying. Just remember, this woman has lied to you constantly, so you have no idea if she's telling the truth about it being 1 guy or 20 guys, not that it really matters. You broke her trust when you lied, she followed that up by destroying your trust. Start the process of moving on and delaying the inevitable which is more heartbreak in the future.
Author RadRacer Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 Right now, against everyone's advice, I'm trying the room mate thing with her. She can't afford her own place, and, while that's not my problem, we are doing 50/50 custody with the kids and I don't want them living in a bad neighborhood, with a crap room mate, etc. The place we have is decent, and the kids have friends all around, so I'm trying to stay here for them. Due to my work schedule, I can't have the kids over night on my own, so this allows plenty of time with them while allowing me to maintain my current work schedule, since she will be home in the morning when I am not. I'm not sure what will happen in the future. I'm not sure what the living arrangements will be. I'm not sure if anything. But that's life, isn't it?
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