6 years and 2 kids

[RadRacer]

New guy here. A friend told me about the site when I told him of my situation.

 

My now-ex (that sounds weird and wrong) and I were together for 6 years. During that time we got engaged, moved in together, and had 2 kids. We had a wedding set up, but then baby #2 came about, so we cancelled it. We had our ups and downs, like every couple, but over all we were happy. Or so I thought.

 

I have a problem with porn. I swore to her I would stop, but I didn't. I broke her trust, and she has been unhappy for the last year because of that. She got to the point that she saw us more as best friends and room mates than lovers, and told me so. September came and she said she wanted to break up. Thinking some space would do her good, I agreed. About a week later she hooked up with another, twice. I was not aware of this at the time. Things seemed to start getting better for us. We were laughing with each other more, held hands more, etc so I thought we were going down a good road. She took a trip to Texas for a friend's baby shower. Turns out the other guy was there for the same reason, and they hooked up again. When she got back I could tell something was wrong, as she wouldn't touch me or anything. I confronted her about it and she told me of the 3 times she saw him. She claimed to be sorry for it, and said she didn't mean to hurt me. She said she didn't enjoy any of it, and regrets doing it. If she could, she would undo it. So, I tried to be an understanding person and move on. I told her if he really didn't mean anything to her she would stop talking to him and we could move on from this. After all, we were broken up at the time. She said she would stop talking to him, and I believed her. We still live together, as she can't afford to support herself, and I can't kick her out on the street.

 

Fast forward to last week. She told me that she had seen him again. I took it lightly, as I didn't want to start yelling in front of our kids. I asked her, again, what he means to her, and she keeps saying nothing. She says it's just sex, and she has no feelings for him.

 

Everyone is telling me to try no contact, but I can't exactly do that with us living together and the kids. I was hoping we could work it out over the first time this happened, but now that it's happened again, I feel like she's just using me as a provider while she does whatever she wants. She can't support herself, much less our kids too. I can't just lay around and pretend everything is fine while she's out having sex with another guy though. My parents have offered me a place to stay, and I may take them up on the offer, but I'm still going to have to pay some of the bills for her.

 

Should I kick her to the curb? How should I handle this with us sharing a home and kids? How can I do no contact in this situation?

 

She wants us to be friends still. She says she loves me, but it isn't love with me. She says she sees me as a best friend, not as a lover, and she wants us to stay best friends for our sake and the kids'.

[NoLeafClover]

She made a choice for you when she screwed you overand more than oce. She will keep doing this because you're not putting your foot down..give her a time to move out. I wouldn't move out and pay her bills just so that she can bring her other man over.

 

You are not responsible for her but her kids. You two aren't married. Don't stay with a cheater man. It will destroy your life and they will never change. Just how you thought she regretted cheating on you and you forgave her...she went and did it again.

[RadRacer]

We still aren't "together" and that's her excuse for doing it. Saying it's not cheating since we aren't a couple at the moment. When we first talked, I told her come tax time I want us both to move out and do our own thing. That would give her time to find a job (which she has done), save up some, and the tax return would help us both for downpayments on New leases. Her job still isn't enough of an income for her to live on her own though. This was all before she did it again. Now I think I'm ready to push her out. I was hoping we could work through it, and have a strong relationship again, but she doesn't want that.

[Nickr3023]

We still aren't "together" and that's her excuse for doing it. Saying it's not cheating since we aren't a couple at the moment. When we first talked, I told her come tax time I want us both to move out and do our own thing. That would give her time to find a job (which she has done), save up some, and the tax return would help us both for downpayments on New leases. Her job still isn't enough of an income for her to live on her own though. This was all before she did it again. Now I think I'm ready to push her out. I was hoping we could work through it, and have a strong relationship again, but she doesn't want that.

 

Sorry to say but that trust is long gone and never coming back. How could you ever trust another word that comes out of her mouth? Been there, done that, you always get burned again. If you stay together, this will happen again, and again, and again until you put a stop to it. It seems so often that cheaters never think of the consequences of their actions until it's too late. It's time for her to understand there are consequences of screwing with someone's heart and mind. Let her go, move on, find someone better and when that happens, she'll be a completely distant memory.

[RadRacer]

I wrote up a letter yesterday and have it to her last night. It pretty much said that I can't stay in the same house as her knowing she's doing what's she is, and that I won't provide for her while she is. After talking some, we agreed that I should move out. I leave for work at 4am, and it wouldn't be right to wake the kids that early to take them somewhere else. Weekends we still haven't figured out. She is going to stay in the house, since the kids know it and have friends in the area. I told her I will pay for part of the bills, but just to keep the kids in a safe place. At the moment I don't have the money for a new place, so I'll be moving back with my parents. Come tax return time, I'll be looking at a new place, and pulling my financial assistance from her. The only reason why I have agreed to help her pay some bills is because if I didn't, she would have to move and wouldn't have space for the kids. And at my parents, they barely have space for me, much less my kids also. So this is for the kids, to keep them housed and comfortable. She threatened to file for child support, which I'm not against. At least that way it will be legally binding, rather than an agreement we had one night, that may change next week.

She was torn up when she read the letter. Yelling at me that I'm being selfish and it's not fair. And part of her is right. But I can't stay with her knowing what she's doing. If she offered to quit again, I may think about it, but she hasn't. She said this is what makes her happy. She says it's no attraction, no love, no feelings, it's just pure sex. Sounds like a load of bull**** to me, but who knows.

[RadRacer]

A little update. We've decided to push it back till January so we don't ruin the holidays for the kids. I've talked to my parents and they're expecting me. In the mean time, it's only necessary communication to get by, and wait it out till then. I may even see if I can borrow some money to get my own place, instead of going back to my parent's place. Then I can keep the kids overnight with me, and stop supporting her sooner.

 

What are your guys opinions on bringing a lawyer into the mix? I keep getting told that even though things are good between the two of us right now, that I should get everything in writing and consult a lawyer. I know she won't run off with the kids, but I also knew she wouldn't sleep with another man :-/

[RadRacer]

So, tonight she made a point to tell me that the guy she has been hooking ups ith messaged her. She deleted the message without replying, and blocked him on Facebook... What should I do? Definitely sounds like she's feeling guilty and doesn't want me to move out... Or am I purposely looking too much into it?

 

Also, it turns out my brother is moving out of my parent's at the end of January. This is perfect, as it frees up a room there for my kids. Now once he moves out, I can stay with them, and have the kids stay with me, and not support her any.

[makemineamac]

While I understand why you are making some of the decisions you are making, I think you really need to reevaluate who moves out.

 

I do think you are reading too much into what she is doing. She chose to disrespect you and thus far for her there have been no consequences. And it sounds like you'd consider taking her back. Would you?

 

Think about it.

 

Sounds like things may have played out with this guy, so she's wondering if you really have to f*** up her life.

 

Anyway, been where you are, sometimes a relationship has run its course. That happened to me before and others as well. It may be that that has happened in your case as well.

 

Do the 180 while you're still together and look towards getting out of there as soon as possible.

 

Wish you the best.

[RadRacer]

While I understand why you are making some of the decisions you are making, I think you really need to reevaluate who moves out.

 

I do think you are reading too much into what she is doing. She chose to disrespect you and thus far for her there have been no consequences. And it sounds like you'd consider taking her back. Would you?

 

Think about it.

 

Sounds like things may have played out with this guy, so she's wondering if you really have to f*** up her life.

 

Anyway, been where you are, sometimes a relationship has run its course. That happened to me before and others as well. It may be that that has happened in your case as well.

 

Do the 180 while you're still together and look towards getting out of there as soon as possible.

 

Wish you the best.

 

So you believe I should stay, and she move out? I have another place I can go, she doesn't. I also have the income to support myself, she doesn't. She's looking for a room mate to move in with her. Everything at the current house is in her name, except the lease, which is in both of ours'. My friends are telling me the same thing, to make her leave. But I have no problem leaving, and kind of see it as a new start. The place I'm moving to will be cheaper, closer to work, almost always have a baby sitter available, etc. Gotta love family ::-)

 

I asked her why she was telling me about not talking to him. She said she was respecting my wishes and letting me know she was, since I had asked her to stop seeing him while I was still paying rent there.

 

Would I take her back? I'd have to think about it, but probably. I can say I'm making progress, as weeks ago there would have been no thinking about it, just a straight yes.

 

Has it played out between the two of them, I don't know. She claims to just be using him for sex, and I believe she is. But she doesn't realize that feelings can develop that way. Right now it's just sex, in a month they may be dating. Although she says she has no interest in dating him. She also told me about their past: apparently she used him as a rebound before, and things didn't work out. Is he just another rebound for her, from our relationship? They haven't seen or talked to each other since then (I'd guess 10yrs ago).

 

I've been doing NC lately. No more texts unless it's about the kids or something. There is some small talk when we're around each other, but I feel it would just be too awkward if there was nothing. We're trying to keep things the same at the moment for the kids.

[gaius]

I know she's the mother of your kids, and you're being very nice by trying to still take care of her, but I do agree you shouldn't have to be the one that moves out if you're paying for the place and she's the one choosing to break up and screw some other guy.

 

If she's genuinely unhappy with you to the point she's doing what she's doing the nicest thing you could do for her might be to put your foot down about separation, help her out a reasonable amount until she can get on her feet and let her go find happiness. Or maybe you two can get back together and work your way into being a happy couple again. I don't know you well enough to say. But she's gotta make an absolute decision to stop the nonsense with anyone else and work on it with you. If you do get back together and it happens one more time then she should find a new place to live.

 

You seem like a nice guy so I wish you the best. And hi to whoever reccommended the site to you.

[RadRacer]

I know she's the mother of your kids, and you're being very nice by trying to still take care of her, but I do agree you shouldn't have to be the one that moves out if you're paying for the place and she's the one choosing to break up and screw some other guy.

 

If she's genuinely unhappy with you to the point she's doing what she's doing the nicest thing you could do for her might be to put your foot down about separation, help her out a reasonable amount until she can get on her feet and let her go find happiness. Or maybe you two can get back together and work your way into being a happy couple again. I don't know you well enough to say. But she's gotta make an absolute decision to stop the nonsense with anyone else and work on it with you. If you do get back together and it happens one more time then she should find a new place to live.

 

You seem like a nice guy so I wish you the best. And hi to whoever reccommended the site to you.

 

Thank you. I'm not worried about the house. I am actually a little excited to move back with my parents. Means I get to live just about expense free! Every time I talk to her about me moving out she gets upset and changes the topic. I think it would do her good for me to move out; she went from living with her mom and paying no rent to living with me, and paying no rent. She's had it easy, maybe too easy. And I think once she see what it's like on her own her mind might change.

 

But I'm not sure if mine will. Like I said, I'm really looking forward to it. Yes, I would consider getting back with her, and I want my kids to see mommy and daddy happy together. But things will have to change between us before that can ever happen. Not just her, but me too. I realize I've been extremely clingy, and have changed myself to make her happy, and that's not right. I've gotten in contact with old friends she didn't like, and enjoy talking to them. I've starting looking into hobbies she never wanted to be a part of, and I'm getting excited. Maybe I don't want her back after all?

[mightycpa]

Hell yes, get a lawyer, unless you want to be a visiting Dad. I don't know what laws are like where you are, but here where I live, when a parent leaves the home, it's called ABANDONMENT, and it does not help you later. Right now, she's done all the wrong. If you forgive her behavior, that is called CONDONEMENT, and that doesn't help you down the road either. Things may be different where you are, but there's only one way to know for sure. From a legal standpoint, given that you're unmarried, she may have done no wrong.

 

Get a lawyer. Not only can the lawyer think with a head and not a heart, but they know rules too, written and unwritten. Don't tell her that you're seeking legal advice, and do whatever the lawyer says. Also, get a barracuda.... a good one. The worst case is that the lawyer will tell you that you have no legal moves to make.

Edited December 11, 2015 by mightycpa

[ProdigalMe]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I am going through the same sort of thing, so I know how tough it is. In my case, my wife of 9 years has been hanging out with a guy from work since last month. She tries to cover it up, and she lies about where she's going, what she's doing, and who is with her. It is damn painful for me. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who she is anymore.

Meanwhile, we're still living together.

 

Like you, I have some decisions to make, and some actions to take, and soon. Good luck to you as you go through this.

[RadRacer]

I've filled out a couple free evaluations online to be contacted by lawyers. We'll see what happens.

 

ProdigalMe, I feel for you man. Hearing she was with another man ripped my heart out. That was a month ago. Today, it still hurts, but not like it used to. All I can say, is it gets better with time man. I'm still new to All of this, so I can give too much advice. From what I've read though, no contact is the best way to go bout it If you're relationship is over.

 

Like I said, I'm new to All of this. This is my 3rd girlfriend. The 1st was never a real relationship (sneakin around her parents), the 2nd was dragged out because she claimed shed kill herself if I left her, and then this one which has lasted over 6 years and I thought was going to be my last. I was the dumper in the other 2, and I wasn't fully invested in them, so this is my first time really having my heart broken. And Damn does it hurt! But each day gets a little better it seems. I've got something to look forward too. I am getting excited about meeting new people and making new friends and relationships. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. It does, every day. But I'm not alone. And neither are you.

 

I was told my boss about what was happening. He gave me some advice and explained how it's happened to him. I told my best bud, and he did the same. Iventold some of my co-workers, and they did the same. At first It seems like you're all alone. You wonder why this happened to you, think no one understands, and wonder how are you going to live. But, as I'm just realizing, we're not alone. Many people go through what we are. And many of those people are much stronger and better people now. It doesn't happen over night. But it will eventually make you a better person.

[lolablue17]

It's funny how a woman who says she is very disturbed by your porn, and un happy because of it, has no problem to cheat on you, saying she regrets it, cheat again, while claiming she needs just sex. Well, she probably thinks that having sex with another guy is "nothing" refering to watching porn....

 

I'm pointing few paradox's in her claims, to show you that her words mean nothing. I'm sure she has a very good opinion about herself, calling you "selfish" while she's bull$hitting you all over...

 

I think you're right about not being crul to her. You should not seek for revenge. You just have to cut her out of your life. If you say you have a place for you and the kids since Jan, it doesn't really matter who leaves the house, you or her. It's insignificant.

 

She has serious problems of reliability. She wants to be friends.... Ha ha ha... you never treat friends the way she did and does to you. So you don't want to be friends with her, you need better friends.

 

Be generous but be determined your boundaries and red lines. think you're doing fine, planning well your next step (Moving to your parents with the kids.

[RadRacer]

It's funny how a woman who says she is very disturbed by your porn, and un happy because of it, has no problem to cheat on you, saying she regrets it, cheat again, while claiming she needs just sex. Well, she probably thinks that having sex with another guy is "nothing" refering to watching porn....

 

I'm pointing few paradox's in her claims, to show you that her words mean nothing. I'm sure she has a very good opinion about herself, calling you "selfish" while she's bull$hitting you all over...

 

I think you're right about not being crul to her. You should not seek for revenge. You just have to cut her out of your life. If you say you have a place for you and the kids since Jan, it doesn't really matter who leaves the house, you or her. It's insignificant.

 

She has serious problems of reliability. She wants to be friends.... Ha ha ha... you never treat friends the way she did and does to you. So you don't want to be friends with her, you need better friends.

 

Be generous but be determined your boundaries and red lines. think you're doing fine, planning well your next step (Moving to your parents with the kids.

 

She admitted the porn was nothing compared to what she did. And since we were broken up at the time (and still are) she doesn't see it as cheating. I don't either, but I do find it very disrespectful given the circumstances.

 

She's going out tonight, and first thing I said was must be to see him. She again claims to have stopped all communication and cut him from her life. Permanently or temporarily, I don't know. Hell, I don't even know if she's lying about it, and just trying to keep me from moving out even sooner. But, if she's telling the truth, I appreciate that she is respecting my wishes and not seeing him anymore. Which one it is, I have no idea...

[lolablue17]

She admitted the porn was nothing compared to what she did. And since we were broken up at the time (and still are) she doesn't see it as cheating. I don't either, but I do find it very disrespectful given the circumstances.

 

She's going out tonight, and first thing I said was must be to see him. She again claims to have stopped all communication and cut him from her life. Permanently or temporarily, I don't know. Hell, I don't even know if she's lying about it, and just trying to keep me from moving out even sooner. But, if she's telling the truth, I appreciate that she is respecting my wishes and not seeing him anymore. Which one it is, I have no idea...

 

She is or isn't telling the truth. I would assume she isn't. She has proven to you that when she has an interest, she has no problem lying and hiding. She can also find a new dude this night and sleep with him, telling you that she "didn't lie because it was a different guy". She is a word artist.

 

But it doesn't matter. Move out as soon as you can and your your things according to your interest only. You don't have to be rude, be nice to her, she is the mother of your kids, and she isn't a criminal. You just do what is best for you. Good luck.

[RadRacer]

She is or isn't telling the truth. I would assume she isn't. She has proven to you that when she has an interest, she has no problem lying and hiding. She can also find a new dude this night and sleep with him, telling you that she "didn't lie because it was a different guy". She is a word artist.

 

But it doesn't matter. Move out as soon as you can and your your things according to your interest only. You don't have to be rude, be nice to her, she is the mother of your kids, and she isn't a criminal. You just do what is best for you. Good luck.

 

It's 230 am and she still isn't home. She's stayed at her friend's house this late before, so it may be nothing. But I can't sleep, thinking about what she may be doing. I have a feeling she is lying. I have a feeling she is out with another guy right now... I'm ready to move out tonight, if this is how it will be

[lolablue17]

It's 230 am and she still isn't home. She's stayed at her friend's house this late before, so it may be nothing. But I can't sleep, thinking about what she may be doing. I have a feeling she is lying. I have a feeling she is out with another guy right now... I'm ready to move out tonight, if this is how it will be

 

Do things for your own interest, and I think that reacting out of anger or frustration is not for your interest. It doesn't matter what she says. You keep being surprised that she doesn't respect you. Don't be. That's who she is. She will not respect you.

 

Go to your parents even tommorow, and stop paying on Jan when you take the kids with you. Tell her that if she brings a guy to the house while you're paying, You immediately cut the payments.

 

That's it.

 

By the way, why did you agree to be with the kids while she's out? You could just be gone and she cant go out because she wont find a babysitter...

[RadRacer]

Do things for your own interest, and I think that reacting out of anger or frustration is not for your interest. It doesn't matter what she says. You keep being surprised that she doesn't respect you. Don't be. That's who she is. She will not respect you.

 

Go to your parents even tommorow, and stop paying on Jan when you take the kids with you. Tell her that if she brings a guy to the house while you're paying, You immediately cut the payments.

 

That's it.

 

By the way, why did you agree to be with the kids while she's out? You could just be gone and she cant go out because she wont find a babysitter...

 

Neither of us really go out during the week, and we're alternating weekend days. Tonight is my night to go out.

 

You're right, the way I was reacting wasn't good. But, From what I can tell she did actually go to her friend's house. Make up wasnt smudged, smelled like her friends house, etc. So it seems she is respecting my wishes, and has not talked to him.

 

I am still thinking about moving out early. Just see how things go. Weekends are the hardest for me right now; during the week I know she's at work, and then she comes home. During the weekend, I have no clue where she is, unless she's with the kids, so my mind start wandering and next thing I know I'm staying up all night :-/

[RadRacer]

Since she went out Friday night, I went out last night. I had no plans, but I needed to get out of the house. I ended up just hanging out with my brother at my parents' and playing some video games all night. It was nice to get out of the house. And, although I checked my phone a few times, I managed to go without talking to her the entire time (~4hrs).

 

We had a good talk today. She sent me a link to read about how hanging on is bad for both of us, and I know it is. I asked her if she was struggling too, and she opened up a little and said yes. She said 6 years and 2 kids isn't something she can just forget about, which was not how I saw things. In my mind, she had thrown it all out of the window, and was moving on. Seeing that she is struggling too makes me realize how hard of a decision this was for her, and makes me see just how convinced she is that it has to be this way. It's not her just effortlessly tossing our relationship aside.

 

We also talked about the other guy some; she admitted there is something there. Not someone she wants to date, but there is some attraction. She said she wouldn't be doing what she was if there wasn't. Not sure if that should make me feel better or worse? I guess it's nice to know she doesn't just have sex with anyone, but also sucks that she admits to having feelings for another guy, regardless of how insignificant they are.

 

Starting next week end, I'll be staying the night at my parent's on the weekends. During the week neither of us really go out (kids in bed at 830, get ready for tomorrow, then I'm in bed at 930), so I don't have too much problems then. But once the weekend comes and she's out for hours and not talking to me, my mind goes over the worse things it can. Hopefully being out of the house from her helps. And the one night she doesn't have the kids, I'll be with the kids and away from her, to where I hopefully won't worry about her too much. The other night, I'll be without the kids and free to do as I want. I have mentioned neither of us seeing anyone else while we're both living in the same house, and she fought me on that. She said what she does is her business, and what I do is mine. And I can agree with that, to a point. But if we're trying to stay civil around the house with the boys for the time being, then doing anything that you know will start a fight (ie: sleeping with another guy), is not acceptable. Is this wrong of me to ask? She said it's me asking her not to move on... At the same time, I know she'd be pissed if I was seeing another woman. I know I shouldn't care what she thinks, but I need to keep a good friendship between us at least. For the kids.

 

In good news, next Friday I will be seeing the new Star Wars movie

[Winterina]

I don't want to be a party breaker here, seems everyone is one sided on the issue but I can try to offer you another point of view.

 

If she was expressing her disagreement with you watching porn, and you still did it, knowing it hurts her, maybe it is a bit your fault... and I do think that there might be other issues too that you might not be mentioning.

 

She gave birth to two kids and her body has been through hell, she did not feel (like majority of women after childbirth) sexy and attractive and there you were, implicitly confirming her fears by jerking off to other women in porn, who had bodies like she will never have. So you might have silently killed her self-esteem and yes, a woman in that situation will go and find someone that is attracted to her to confirm that she is worth something as a woman... this goes in particular because you guys were not even together when it happened so technically she did not cheat on you. You were broken up.

 

She might not really love you any more, but you might have contributed to it more than you know.

You did not listen when she was saying she is disturbed by you watching porn and completely ignored her wishes... you continued hurting her, and you ended up hurting your relationship. Who would have thought!

 

I am just guessing here, but a guy that does not hear a woman say something, also does not hear plenty of other things... so who knows what she was trying to communicate to you over the years and you decided to ignore.

 

Sorry if that sounded too harsh and yes, there is some guessing involved as usual over the LS, but... be honest and honestly examine yourself and how have you contributed to everything that happened. I highly doubt you were the innocent party and what she did might not be that surprising at all.

[RadRacer]

Funny you mention that, as we talked some last night. I do think I contributed to the problem, and her low self-esteem. She was telling me how lately the sex between us wasn't anything special. She said the sex she has with the other guy is good; not amazing, but good. But it's different than what we had. I asked her if she thought it was "forced" because she thought she had to have sex with me since we were together, and she kind of hinted at it. Ever since Sept of last year, when she caught me with porn, she hasn't been invested in our relationship, I feel. And I think because of that she hasn't truly felt like we were in love, and she was "forcing" herself to cope with me hoping our love would rekindle itself.

 

I have a porn addiction. I've watched porn since I was 12, so nearly 15 years. It was a daily thing for me pretty much, and I became addicted to it and the way it made me feel. That's why it was so hard for me to stop. No excuses, I should have stopped the first time she caught me (this was the 3rd), but I didn't. I am now porn free (except for a small relapse when she first left me, nearly a month ago), and have tried proving that to her, but she no longer believes me since I went years lying to her about it. And I can't blame her for that.

 

What you said about her self-esteem is probably true. I try to always tell her how beautiful she is, but coming from the same guy who was secretly watching porn behind her back, it probably doesn't mean too much. I think what she found in this other guy is that feeling of being attractive that she has lost with me. I still find her very attractive. Extremely. I told her just the other night how beautiful she was, and her reply was "no, I'm an ugly monster." How can I show her just how beautiful I think she is?

 

Her body is different than it used to be, I'll admit that. She isn't the same woman she was when we started dating. But, I still find her extremely attractive, in numerous ways. I just wish I could show her that. I feel she thinks I'm not attracted to her anymore, and that's part of the reason we are where we are.

 

On a final note, something happened last night. I convinced her to shower with me. One thing led to another, and, while there was no sex, we both did get off and enjoy ourselves. I haven't talked to her about it, and I'm not sure if I should. At the end, she said that her and I could never have what her and the other guy have (NSA sex). I do know that she was alot more into it this time than she ever has been. Maybe she was just playing it up, or maybe it was a completely different experience for her. I also know she said the other guy has never made her orgasm, yet I do almost every time. I'm not sure if that means anything, or not. I would imagine sex with an orgasm would be better sex, but I'm not a woman, so I couldn't tell you how different they are. I don't feel any different about her this morning, and I don't think it caused me any set backs. I'm not sure how she felt about it, but, like I said, she definitely seemed to enjoy it. Once we were done, she was kind of confused as to what we should do now; I told her to go lay down and I'll rub her some, until it was time to go to sleep. Once it got that time, I went back to my bed, and we both went to sleep.

 

This is the hard part, as part of me wants to try and rekindle that flame we had. I know I helped put it out, but I'm willing to help relight it too. She keeps saying she tried, and that she is done trying, but I feel like WE didn't try. She confronted me once about not feeling in love anymore and I didn't think too much about it. I just told her how much I loved her, and forgot about it. We never tried counselling, date nights, etc to rekindle it, we just kept in the same rut we were in. I know I can't force her to try again, but I just feel like we can get over this if we both wanted too. We both need to change some, and now that we both realize that, maybe things can be different? At the same time, if that's the case, then some time apart may be good. Maybe realizing what we had wasn't working, and calling it quits will allow us to fall back in love further down the road? When we first dated, it was intense. We had such strong feelings for each other. And even years down the road we had them. There were days where I couldn't express just how happy I was to be with her. It seems like they all stopped with the porn, though.

[Winterina]

Good for you that you stopped with porn.

You have NO IDEA what it can do to a relationship if you sneak around watching porn, and lying about it...

 

Also, this is for you and all the guys out there... SEX is affected a lot, and guys that watch porn on daily basis are actually not such great lovers at all. Sex with them is pretty mechanical. They do not know how to take things slow, create heat and connect on any other but physical level. I talked to many female friends and this is what seems to be universal.

 

Right now, you are faced with two choices... leave or stay and make it work. As there are kids involved and it does not seem like it is beyond repair, give it a shot! The more you give the more you will get. She will notice the change and there is no bigger turn on than a guy who cares for and loves his family. Emotional connection is something to work on.

[Cherryz]

Nice that your freind told you about this website for advice. But know that we are not

professionals. We are just just people giving you our thoughts and opinions based on experience and so on. So you need to look for a professional in your area for professional advice and look at your situation yourself. Since you know it better then us.

 

I have to say you sound like a very nice guy. Because i heard of very bad storys where the

guy dont care. He put the cheater out with kids and all. Or go very hard on her for cheating.

But i think you are doing very well. But you need to stand up for yourself and put some deadlines and serious talk. Maybe with professionals involved.

 

But if you and her can make it work without professionals and natural, as "in a freindly way for the kids", would be great.