fearfulone Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Hey. I'm new here, and I'm a guy, 29 years old. I've been dating a girl for 4 months. We were having a great first few months, I really enjoyed spending time with her and I could tell she loved spending time with me. Then, over the past month I felt myself getting more distant with her and eventually decided to break up last week. There was nothing technically wrong with our relationship. We enjoyed each others company, we had fun, we had the same sense of humour, we were really a great match. She is very comfortable about expressing herself, and is very "touchy" and loves to hug, hold hands etc. I never instigate it, but I do enjoy it. I really never put myself out there and say anything "emotional" I don't know if this is because the feelings are not there, or I am just afraid of expressing myself. I rarely compliment her or give any positive affirmation of our relationship. I've been hurt in the past and I feel like it might be giving me a mental block and pushing away someone that really cares about me. Also, circumstances over the last month have lead to us being able to get "bedroom time" and maybe this lack of closeness has partially lead to the breakup. Can that cause the illusion of a relationship not working? I'm really worried that I've dumped her for the wrong reasons. I don't know if I'm just being emotionally unavailable or if the spark isn't there. I don't want to throw away a great relationship because of my inability to say how I feel, or not knowing how I feel. I'd really appreciate any advice because I'm lost and I'm feeling really stupid.
Silver_star Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 It sounds like you know, at least on some level, that the problem lies within you and not her. I know this is all could of, should have, would have talk...but, you got to learn from your mistakes right? You could have attempted to understand the issues you were having with her BEFORE breaking up with someone who was clearly very interested in you and cared about you. Connections like that with self-aware women don't always come around so easy. You could have spent more time with her inside and out of the bedroom to discover your intimate connection. Connection is absolutely important. The "Spark" will always fade out, because that comes from attraction, and lust and the "newness" of the relationship. If you have it with someone, you don't even need to work at it. The spark is just there. It will fade over time with being comfortable with each other and seeing them as a REAL person though, so you have to be prepared for the inevitable. A connection is something that should be even stronger than a "spark" but you need to actually WORK at it, that's what being in a committed relationship is about. Maybe the spark ended sooner than you thought it would, and you didn't know if you wanted to be in a committed relationship with her or not. What reasons did you give to her for breaking up?
Author fearfulone Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 It sounds like you know, at least on some level, that the problem lies within you and not her. I know this is all could of, should have, would have talk...but, you got to learn from your mistakes right? You could have attempted to understand the issues you were having with her BEFORE breaking up with someone who was clearly very interested in you and cared about you. Connections like that with self-aware women don't always come around so easy. You could have spent more time with her inside and out of the bedroom to discover your intimate connection. Connection is absolutely important. The "Spark" will always fade out, because that comes from attraction, and lust and the "newness" of the relationship. If you have it with someone, you don't even need to work at it. The spark is just there. It will fade over time with being comfortable with each other and seeing them as a REAL person though, so you have to be prepared for the inevitable. A connection is something that should be even stronger than a "spark" but you need to actually WORK at it, that's what being in a committed relationship is about. Maybe the spark ended sooner than you thought it would, and you didn't know if you wanted to be in a committed relationship with her or not. What reasons did you give to her for breaking up? I think I was looking for the spark that was gone. As that saying goes, the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long. We had a great first few months, and I guess I expected it to continue. When breaking up I told her I didn't feel as close to her as I used to. The emotional bond wasn't as strong as it was. Maybe it's down to me not expressing myself, but even with that, I'm not sure those feelings were fully there to express. It felt as though we just went to dinner once during the week and just chatted about day to day stuff and nothing that you would consider "coupley". We might go for a drink at the weekend and do the same. Other days we texted each other, but again, nothing that felt unique to a relationship. Am I expecting too much? I felt the most comfortable talking with her in my home, in my bed, when it was just us. Maybe the lack of intimacy prevented us from being close. Is a relationship without regular sex/intimacy doomed?
Silver_star Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 No it's not. Although effort should be made to make sure there is regular sex and needs are being met on both sides. But I don't think it should be doomed if you can't have sex regularly for one month due to circumstances beyond both of your control. If one of you has no desire for sex anymore with the other than rthere is a new issue. Did you both have good conversations when you had them? You can't force your feelings if they aren't there. But if they were there to begin with, try and think back to what intrigued you about her to begin with.
xuanqi1988 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 (edited) I can totally relate to this being the receiving end of this unavailability. I was with a guy for 7 months after he broke up with 3-year girlfriend for 6 months. As much as he tried to put himself out there, I don't think he was anywhere near ready to love again. He was too hurt to give himself 100% to me. I feel like we had a decent connection, were happy together, and shared the same sense of humor. In our good days, we could make each other happy. The only thing missing is his commitment. Now I feel like I am in your shoes after the break up as I am not ready to date again after the intensive heartbreak. All I could say is, I would have much preferred that he told me earlier into the relationship, rather than giving it multiple chances after we "broke up" and "made up" over and over again, thinking that all he needed was more time and patience. He was not ready. full stop. so IMO it was the right decision for you to end it sooner rather than later. If you are confused yourself, chances are the other person is even more confused. Being in her position, all I can suggest is that I hope you ended things in a mature way and showed her that you did try and you did care. Tell her how you felt about her and the relationship, give her the confidence boost, and say that it was your fault to have to let her go. That would make her feel better and not doubt herself like I am right now. All my ex said was that he didn't love me as much as I loved him, and that he didn't see us getting married, while I know the truth was he was just not over his ex or at least the heartbreak. I know how easy it is to blame it on the other person, so please don't do the same thing. Edited December 8, 2015 by xuanqi1988
SunlightJune Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I'm an emotionally unavailable woman and I broke up with my ex for similar reasons. I regret it. If there's still time for you and you want her back, then call her up and tell her how you feel. If not, then just focus on yourself. Don't make the same mistakes in the future, I know I wont.
xuanqi1988 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 @sunlightjune: I wish my ex could realize his mistake as you do, rather than thinking that he couldn't love me because I wasn't the right fit. We were great together apart from his inability to commit because of past experience. We almost had it all and he was about to take it up to the next level, before he decided he wasn't ready for anything serious but just wanted to be single and enjoy a worry-free life instead. Apparently women do better at self reflections after breakups than men.
Standard-Fare Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Your descriptions of the relationship make it sound like a positive one, but not necessarily one that involves passion or could lead to true love. But it's impossible to tell if this is directly because of your own emotional unavailability. And I know that's the very thing you're struggling with. Is this a pattern for you in past relationships? And have you ever felt a passion/intensity with a partner that made you break this shell of emotional unavailability? I will tell say that it would be a huge mistake to make gestures of getting back together with this girl, after rejecting her, if you're not sure you can put yourself 100% on board emotionally in the future. You'd be not only wasting both her time and your own, but you'd risk seriously hurting her.
Author fearfulone Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 No it's not. Although effort should be made to make sure there is regular sex and needs are being met on both sides. But I don't think it should be doomed if you can't have sex regularly for one month due to circumstances beyond both of your control. If one of you has no desire for sex anymore with the other than rthere is a new issue. Did you both have good conversations when you had them? You can't force your feelings if they aren't there. But if they were there to begin with, try and think back to what intrigued you about her to begin with. It was truly reasons that were out of our control. We always had good conversations, there was no problem there. We laughed, had interesting talks and overall had fun. I think at the start, it was all new and exciting and then it slowly turned into a routine where we would do the same thing every week (except sex) and I didn't feel the spark anymore. I really don't know if it was me or just the circumstances. It's so hard to know. Your descriptions of the relationship make it sound like a positive one, but not necessarily one that involves passion or could lead to true love. But it's impossible to tell if this is directly because of your own emotional unavailability. And I know that's the very thing you're struggling with. Is this a pattern for you in past relationships? And have you ever felt a passion/intensity with a partner that made you break this shell of emotional unavailability? I will tell say that it would be a huge mistake to make gestures of getting back together with this girl, after rejecting her, if you're not sure you can put yourself 100% on board emotionally in the future. You'd be not only wasting both her time and your own, but you'd risk seriously hurting her. I've never had this serious a relationship before (I think 2-3 weeks was the longest before this) so I have nothing to compare it with. This may even be the norm where the initial excitement wears off and goes into a steady state. I'm so inexperienced I don't know if I'm making a mistake or my gut is telling me the right thing. A lot of the time I overthink things, and maybe this is one of those times.
Silver_star Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Usually I would say go with your gut. If your gut said it wasn't right then it probably wasn't right. However, I think you may have terminated things too soon. I would say the trust is going to be gone on her end if you get back with her now. Just learn from this, and next time try and give the relationship more time to develop so you can feel sure of your decision.
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