Met her when she was pregnant! Did loads for her and its all over. Am broken.

December 7, 2015

To start with i've been here many years ago on this forum. And after I got over the last big situation I was in I promised myself I would never get to this place of agony again. And here I am. My last situation was toxic many years ago and once recovered I had a great few years of having little commitment and care with what i did in terms of relationship until this one.

At the time of meeting the girl I was 29 heading towards 30. I work at a software company in the city, and have a sideline hobby of DJ'ing at the local bars at weekend - mostly for a hobby and social aspect, I've got a stable job, nice car, I'm a homeowner in the city, great family locally and very connected to them emotionally. I have my own issues, I wont deny that, I'm not perfect nor claim to be - but with a woman I am 100% loyal and devoted.

I met a girl, she was stunning, classy, and well... she was pregnant, and had about 3 months to the birth. She was working behind a bar that I DJ'ed at. She left within a matter of months as was pregnant and couldn't continue for obvious reasons, I didn't know of the details at the time of the pregnancy - however, I did know she was seeing casually one of the bouncers at the club, it was not his child. The child was from a short relationship she had prior to the bouncer.

After she left working at the bar we established a link and started talking on Facebook. I believe she initiated it. We got talking, she made it clear she was pregnant and told me about it all, that the biological dad wanted nothing to do it with at all and had asked her to remove it. She said she went for the appointment but couldn't go through with it - fair play to her I thought. I was impressed with her to see it through. Short of the bar work she did she's an accountant for a firm, very intelligent, has her own waterside glass fronted apartment and she's a socialite, I can only describe her like something from Sex and the City, bit of a party girl - but classy, hugely pretty. Very focussed girl, very fiery, fierce, gets her way and isn't shy to show that.

So anyway, we got talking and I really started to like her. It seemed she simply cast aside the bouncer she had a casual thing with and focused everything on me, I felt bad at that at the time and it was awkward but got past it. We argued during the texting stage, oddly, purely for the reasons that we both were definitely becoming more and more attracted in terms of personality and excited about the relationship possibility but the underlying situation of her pregnancy and what comes with that - I 'at the time' assured her that my age and where I was at in my life I felt in a place to be able to support that in that and to move forward with her and her child, I genuinely thought to myself 'you know, I could do this, this seems like a great girl and I could have a family here' (something I want now!) - not only that, I realised heres a pregnant girl, she'll need me too, so we can create a good bond, and she'll be a great home lady... She challenged me on it numerous times at this beginning stage of the relationship - but I challenged her back and said I think i'm confident I can take this on - I believe she ignored me for a number of days but I went back to her and said I can take this on and am confident to do so.

Anyway, things went on - we met, and we met again, and i liked her.

Few elements of her personality, very cold woman, very dry, but I was attacted to her looks, PLUS, the way she was with me - she POURED hours of texting in to me and time and wanted to see me, she totally gave herself on a plate to me - i even recall saying that to her 18mths ago. She just gave it everything.

So she asked me to be the birth partner. She wanted me to be involved at that early stage. Which I was honoured to accept. And honoured she so much wanted to be with me and poured so much attention to me!

Heres a few weird things.. Me on the other hand, whilst I was blown away with this all I was aware of my previous emotions and I how I handle breakups is hideous, and i promised I would never get into the state of depression I did years ago (thats where Im at now). I even went into deep detail about how I handle breakups, to be honest, she wanted EVERY piece of information out of me. She trawled my facebook feed to look up things about me, she asked me EVERY thing, deep deep details I didnt really want to talk about, relationships and so - she actually ignored me when I didnt tell her things! She was just an emotional vampire in this sense, literally wanting to know my history inside out. I went along with it...

She also told me that an ex wrote publicly that she was manipulative on his social feed a while before - i didn't think much of it at the time but I do wonder now. She told me shes always been cheated on. I've never cheated on, or would consider it, and certainly didn't with her.

Another strange thing is her relationship with her parents. The live 5 minutes from her apartment. But she hadn't seen them for months, they didn't even know about the pregnancy. She hadn't told them, but I believe they found out through a mutual friend. Just seemed a lot of lies by omission. They would text her often asking her to come round. I hadn't met the parents and was told I wouldn't for some time even though I wanted to. She told me she didn't get on well her mother, or sister, as there was some sibling rivalry over some money borrowed or something and it really put her nose out. So much so, she cut them out of her life it seemed. Embarrassed about the pregnancy too - possibly.

My parents met the now GF and thought she was cold, she doesn't say much, just listens and sits like a meercat - we understood its a nervous situation to be in meeting the parents etc but my parents are absolutely lovely and everyone loves them as they are so welcoming and warming.

Her friendship group, which is EVERYTHING to her, her absolute priority, thought I was a hero to her. And once we were officially together a few months in they were all so kind to me for taking this on as a genuinly nice man, which i am!

I started staying at her apartment a few night a week. She loved to see her girlfriends so I would leave her to it and we would enjoy our company for a few evenings a week.

The day came when she gave birth, last july. She wanted me there so I did and jesus i've never seen anything like that before. So i helped her through. I told the midwives that i was her BF but not the dad, they COULDNT believe it. They said not even husbands come to the birth! All was fine, I felt incredibly attached to her as a result of this - the child, well, I didnt know what the hell was going on and I was in a daze for days.

So this was last year, in July.

I then met the parents oddly, she said I need to goto them now so I drove from the hospital with the baby to her parents and then met them for the first time.. An ODD situation one, I said hello lovely to meet you im XXXX and here is a baby! The parents were lovely to me, I really bonded with them, such lovely people and I miss them deeply now. But no one said I WASNT the dad. I was furious when the GF told me she hadn't told them I wasnt.. This went on for months! I told my parents they didn't know and they were furious too but what could I do, i've only been with her for 4/5 mths! Lies by omission.

Over the course of the next few months, obviously there was serious change, and I understood that due to the baby. She told me I could do as little or much as I could do. Whilst this relationship was now ONLY 4/5 months old I was staying at her apartment at weekends mostly. Very slowly did we progress things in "our" relationship in terms of time with her, and child, because lets face it, its still a very new relationship - that and also I couldn't stay over because the new born was incredibly loud and whilst she was on maternity leave I sure wasn't. It was a stressful situation to be in very early in a relationship.. And I just thought, for all intents and purposes we cant rush this because we need to do it right, and I want it to be right with her and child!

More months passed and I did increase the amount of time weekly I stayed with her, I wanted to see her, I liked her company, we probably got to me staying with her for the entire weekend plus a few days - half'ish of the week. Which in MY mind was a lot for STILL a relatively new relationship. She simply DID NOT understand that and wanted more time, this was probably by last christmas now. So the solution in her mind was for us to buy a property together.. I though, jeeze, i'm only JUST acclimatising to the child and now a house, yikes, okay... So I went along with it and we were looking at properties (within 6-8mths of seeing each other I hear you cry) whereby I would sell mine and she would put a lump of money in too, my property is my asset, I did rent it out every so often, but I thought hey what the hell i'll invest into this relationship - she on the other hand said quite clearly that she would not sell her apartment, but, she would put in money which would obviously be less than what I would add to it. Whilst i'm old fashioned in terms of the man taking the lead I sort of begrudgingly accepted that idea, but by this point I was a bit pissed off with this proposition and the sheer rush rush of it all.. But she lovedd me, everyone said it, she just loved me and showed it.

Its important to note that her child was looked after by her parents from Monday night - Thursday night. During which time she'd visit the child once and put him to bed. Her argument was she 'wanted her own life too', which on the nights I wasnt there consisted of her and her cosmoplitan lifestyle for eating out with her social girlfriends and using the using the local gym morning and night. She loved to see her friends, and the few nights of a week I wasnt wish her I would spend at my parents. Whilst I was happy with setup I now realise her serious lack of time with her child is an issues, and i've become aware of that now from others on talking about this - me having not known what to expect I just went along with it and was happy with everything.

At weekends she'd have her child, and I will be honest, it was hard work to be woken up so early after a long week and she'd be keen to goto the gym early morning on a Saturday and I was very anti this because, whilst I wanted to help, I wanted her WITH me to help do things and I didnt want to have sole responsibility, I mean i did sometimes but hmm. Shes the kind of girl that would leave the bed early to goto the gym before work, whereas I would rather an hour of cuddles, but that is just what she is like.

As we moved into this current year the pressure just grew for a house, she'd pour love into me and desperatly wanted a property with me is all she say - I began to realise that, the core reason for wanting a property with me, if "because" of her child.. The apartment was fine but she wanted a garden so the child could play. And, whilst I really loved being at her apartment i could understand why she wanted a house but I really begun to have issues with spending ALL my money in the world "because" of the child. I asked myself, would she have wanted a massive house with me if it wasnt for the child.. Unlikely i'd say.

She went back to bar work, and sometimes I would look after the child on a saturday pm when she was out, not that often to be honest.

Its obvious she wanted a father figure and security for the child, and whilst I PROMISED her I could do that it just wasnt fast enough for her I'm so deeply sad at the moment, this relationship is over now. I did have a hard time accepting the child, she knew that, but I believed it would come in time.

More months passed and whilst I continued to stay with her for probably all the nights of the week except two or so by now. That and also my relatioship with the child wasn't getting any stronger in true terms. She still wanted to railroad me into having her dreams complete with a house of me and her, and whilst we often looked at various houses with estate agents nothing really fitted the bill for what I wanted.

Anyway, things started a few months ago this got to the point about a month ago now where she said we wanted differnet things, i disagreed strongly and said I do want everything you want just not rushed like this, i like what we have at the moment and i understood she wanted security but I offered her everyhting in terms of support, love, loyality, everything. It just wasnt enough. One night we had an argument and I said things I didnt mean, I said things like i dont even like children and i dont like the child hes too noisy etc etc.. Things I didnt mean. And that was the end. She sent me away asking for space 4 weeks ago - I had huge panic attacks but left.

After the "space" request

--------------------------

Days later she text me things like 'this isnt forever, i just need a little time and space xxx'. So I honoured that and left her space. Then I got messages like 'are you going to talk to me?'.. This turned into big games i thought. People said to me she sent me away in order I go back begging and she'll get everything on her terms.

I replied 'yes, i think we need to talk yes, but I have given you the space you wanted', so after trying to get a day out of her to meet which was hard enough we did. I went with a piece of paper with all sort of notes on it, describing how much I love and cared for her, how this has driven me to talk to my old therapist, and thought of compromises to make such as me living at her apartment full term and taking on a lot more responsibility for the child. She just listened and didnt offer anything - she continued the "i dont know, im confused card, but this isn't forever'

Then i saw her out in the bar having a great time. She followed up with me the following day saying "shes enjoying the space and that she didnt see the relationship would work right now", so i said fairwell to her in a text and then i removed her from Facebook and the relationship status.

That evening she went WILD at me, 30 missed calls, 50 texts, saying I publicly left her and her child, I've never seen anything like this, how dare I do this, how could I do this to her. I finally answered and said - "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND?! You didn't want this relationship?" She demanded I brought the rest of her things to her, not to her friend as I suggested but to her directly, which I did the following day - it felt like entrapment but I went anyway. She then pinned me down and said i hurt her by cancelling the relationship on FB?! I said you told me you didnt want this.. So then I said, okay, well then LETS DO THIS! She backed down again and she she had to go as had plans with her friends. Unbelievable i thought, you'd rather see your friends than sort this.

More weeks past, and more weeks where i'm suffered horrendously, where I tried to make yet more effort with her, I text her explaining how much I missed the child and if I could look after it for some time. I went to her unannounced to tell her how much I loved her, but when I saw her, I realised there was already someone on the scene, I could just tell by the way she had make-up on, on a Sunday night.

I've had messaged from her parents which alluded to her being really upset and what could be done to get back together, as they though I was so good for her etc. I had a really heart to heart with her mother over it.

She since informed me on at the weekend shes now seeing someone else, that dry text hit me like a ton of bricks, we've only been over for a matter of weeks. A matter of weeks before where she was piling me with love, how can you move on in a few weeks after you've wanted the world with someone a matter of weeks / months before! I'm a broken man currently. Violent panic attacks. Insomnia. Sweating in the night. I've found out who it is, the guy is a part owner of a bar in the city, a party guy himself gets drunk a lot and thats his life?! I didnt think thats what she wanted..

All my friends say I am better off out of this manipulative woman but I just cant see and I STILL want her back, I never put her on a pedestal until now. Not only that friends with children say that they are AMAZED at the way she is with her child, in that her child isnt even a priority to her even though she said it wasnt fair the way I was (no attachement) with her child.. but its clear she TOO just accepts the child

Edited December 7, 2015 by a_bit_lost

December 7, 2015

Strewth, sorry to say I skim read most of that novella!

My conclusion: she is crazy.

When someone asks for space there is almost always third party involvement. I would say this case is very unlikely to be an exception. She's showing all the signs of someone who has someone else on the go. She wanted space to see how that goes, and if it failed, she'd come back to Mr. Faithful who will be waiting at home like a puppy dog.

And yeah, now she's seeing someone else. What would you say the odds are, that "someone else" started after she broke up with you? I would not put any money on that!

You need to cut this woman out of your life. If you don't, you're just asking for a whole bunch of drama.

December 7, 2015

Sorry I appreciate its a massively long post. Whilst I agree with you that seeing someone else was high on the agenda post space being initiated, I'm not entirely sure that pre-empted and has only happened as a direct result of the final argument that we had opening that channel to be explored. The 18mths with her were definitly stressful, to go from single to relationship to "sort of" dad, to boyfriend. The space part I sort of agreed with to get clarity and to clam, but as you say clearly has been used to explore another host as well.

I agree - Mr. Faithful is stood there ready and waiting and she damn well knew that. 2 weeks is harsh for me to bite after the amount of stuff I did for her and bring her child into the world. Somewhere in me shouts loyalty and she has none it seems. Traits in her I just didnt realise were not the case!

December 7, 2015

Wow, what a mess. :( I'm so sorry. I don't have anything to offer tho except for - I KNOW this won't mean anything to you while you're hurting - she is NOT a good person to entrust with your love, heart and resources. Sounds like a tremendously self centered and frivolous woman.

I think you should stay in therapy to help you get through this without being so scarred that you can't try again - and to maybe learn more about what to look for an run away from when you meet someone you like!!!

Take care!! Don't give up!!

December 7, 2015

*Note to self*: Do not date crazy pregnant chicks.

Seriously..Run from her and run FAST!!!

December 7, 2015

Just a couple of things to bring more clarity

- She wanted another baby with me, she made that no secret. I wish i just did that now

- She came off the pill about 4mths ago, brought her out in spots she said, to be fair it did. But seriously, accidentally on purpose pregnancy with me she tried?... To be fair now and I KNOW THIS sounds ridiculous but I wish I did get her pregnant and now we'd be together and stronger. I even told her that after. I know i must sound like a fool

- She wanted me to adopt her son - she said that it would be good for me to establish a bond

- I asked few things of her as I knew she was always running from A to B. But once i asked her to collect some rent money in a window of time I did not have. She forgot because she was at the Gym and had dinner with her girls. I mean I asked few favours.

- The new BF now has always been a friend of hers before I was on the scene.

- In fairness to her, she did make BIG effort with me, to introduce me to her social circle etc. There was no secrecy in that area, she would tag me in facebook all the time etc.. I dont think anything untoward in that area. Albeit her new BF is in that circle.. I WISH i did more I just didnt do enough for her child. But if she had loved me as she said she did then surly she would have given me more time

I appreciate run, run fast but Im seriously attached.

Edited December 7, 2015 by a_bit_lost

December 7, 2015

I could see where this was going as soon as I saw the words 'party girl' and 'socialite'.

Unless you work in the same industry or your job and personal interests allow you to match her penchant for night life then you will struggle to tame a girl of that nature. She will always be surrounded by the bigger better deal and its only a matter of time before a party guy turns her head and she is off, especially when the alternative is a steady guy who would rather she calms down and domesticate herself and be a good mother. She doesn't want to be reminded of her responsibilities every time she looks at you because its not fun and there isn't enough drama involved. Far easier to pass her child off on to you or her parents and go out and get wasted with her friends and the guy she thinks is the better deal. Given the short term nature of her relationships prior to you you would think she would have caught on by now that the people she is surrounded by through her partying make poor partners. Thats how far removed from reality she is in her little party cocoon, destined to keep making the same mistakes and ruining her life and the lives of others in her orbit.

You are VERY VERY lucky that you did not have another child with this woman. Those words won't mean anything to you right now but in time you will realise that fortune has smiled on you here.

The child (as attached to it as you are) is not yours so apart from the property you have no ties to this woman and will be able to walk away relatively unscathed while she continues to make a mess of everything and eventually ends up a used up wreck. All her best years behind her, a poor parent, good for absolutely nothing and desperate for a good man to rescue her from it all. Please don't disrespect yourself by being the white knight when she inevitably comes back to you in a year or two when the partying has really taken its toll. She will drag you down with her but only if you allow yourself to be.

Remove yourself from the childs life- ie make sure that her parents are taking over your share of the child care, sell that property and get the hell away from her as fast you can and get over her by erasing herself from your life.

Sadly OP given how badly you reacted to your last breakup I worry that this thread is either going to end with you going permanently off the deep end or an update thread in a year or two where you announce that you are marrying her and will be taking care of her 3 kids all by different men who aren't you.

Get the hell away from her OP, she is very bad news.

December 7, 2015

I could see where this was going as soon as I saw the words 'party girl' and 'socialite'.

Unless you work in the same industry or your job and personal interests allow you to match her penchant for night life then you will struggle to tame a girl of that nature. She will always be surrounded by the bigger better deal and its only a matter of time before a party guy turns her head and she is off, especially when the alternative is a steady guy who would rather she calms down and domesticate herself and be a good mother. She doesn't want to be reminded of her responsibilities every time she looks at you because its not fun and there isn't enough drama involved. Far easier to pass her child off on to you or her parents and go out and get wasted with her friends and the guy she thinks is the better deal. Given the short term nature of her relationships prior to you you would think she would have caught on by now that the people she is surrounded by through her partying make poor partners. Thats how far removed from reality she is in her little party cocoon, destined to keep making the same mistakes and ruining her life and the lives of others in her orbit.

You are VERY VERY lucky that you did not have another child with this woman. Those words won't mean anything to you right now but in time you will realise that fortune has smiled on you here.

The child (as attached to it as you are) is not yours so apart from the property you have no ties to this woman and will be able to walk away relatively unscathed while she continues to make a mess of everything and eventually ends up a used up wreck. All her best years behind her, a poor parent, good for absolutely nothing and desperate for a good man to rescue her from it all. Please don't disrespect yourself by being the white knight when she inevitably comes back to you in a year or two when the partying has really taken its toll. She will drag you down with her but only if you allow yourself to be.

Remove yourself from the childs life- ie make sure that her parents are taking over your share of the child care, sell that property and get the hell away from her as fast you can and get over her by erasing herself from your life.

Sadly OP given how badly you reacted to your last breakup I worry that this thread is either going to end with you going permanently off the deep end or an update thread in a year or two where you announce that you are marrying her and will be taking care of her 3 kids all by different men who aren't you.

Get the hell away from her OP, she is very bad news.

Thank you for you kind advice...

We sort of did work in the same industry in a hobbyist capacity. In that I DJ at weekends and she did bar work for money outside of our professional jobs. Thats the channel I met her through. The thing is though, for me, its a channel to meet someone (albeit bad choices) and whilst she wanted the family life with me its clear the nightlife scene is too good for her to give up. Me - if i KNEW she was the one I would happily hang up my headphones, but for my own sanity I needed to keep my 1 final social activity, for this very reason now, as I sort of knew long term.

Some of her relationships prior were longer to be fair to her. She has done a few LTRs, one at 4 years where she was engaged but it broke off for some reason, wish I knew why, I believe he cheated on her, i'm not sure. In the same way I have had a few longer term ones.

As for property - well, we never got to the stage of actually buying a place. That would have been next. But time expired with her as "we didnt want the same things" and "its not fair the way you are with <child>"...

I love your vocabulary - destined to keep making the same mistakes. Yes - of course how right you are. Next up is a bar manager of a popular bar in the city... She was forewarned last time around at meeting me in the capacity of a DJ, that her friends said no more socialites! They didn't know its once a week bravado act and under is a man that indeed would like the pipe and slippers, as she proclaimed and yearned for herself she said, but yet exhibited the same social and party requirements. Me - it is/was a means to an end as they all soon realised. Her - well, that requirement whilst suppressed didn't seem to go away. And now, well, she'll be back in it in full force?!

And yes, in reference to me as a white knight in months/years to come... Well, its evident she returns to all her previous in some capacity, in the lamest form of facebook friendship with some she reignited I believe - so yeah, i need to be ready for that.

As for the childs care - well, her parents do most of the grunt work - I never really got my hand dirty in that area so as far as removing from that area thats no problem. Those parents loved me, the mother has continued to send me photos of the child. I told her yesterday it now must stop as your daughter has told me she has a new BF, I could tell how upset and sorry she was and as her parents they still would wish we could sort this out (not that as her parents would know because there is such a dysfunctional relationship there she tells them nothing)

No one has said anything good to me about this situation, as my parents just reminded me after i've told them about me doing this post on here. No one biased or otherwise, has said for me to fight for this. Its sad, its is - i'm a mess and I just cant see past it... Someone needs to punch me.

insert_name - listen thank you. Your final paragraph there has hit me in that yes - i'm a weak man.

Edited December 7, 2015 by a_bit_lost

December 7, 2015

When you involve yourself with trashy ..you either have to be trashy or get hurt. You didn't dodge a bullet..you dodged a torpedo

December 7, 2015

When you involve yourself with trashy ..you either have to be trashy or get hurt. You didn't dodge a bullet..you dodged a torpedo

I appreciate that NoLeafClover, thanks, in her defence she is from a good background and decent family, they're well off and well spoken to be fair. So in terms of trashy, whist I should not defend her now she isn't necessarily that 'type', she herself is well spoken and well presented with assets of her own. Reasons why i thought I would invest in this.

Torpedo dodged, that's sounds fair

December 7, 2015

To start with i've been here many years ago

I met a girl, she was stunning, classy, and well... she was pregnant, and had about 3 months to the birth. She was working behind a bar that I DJ'ed at. She left within a matter of months as was pregnant and couldn't continue for obvious reasons, I didn't know of the details at the time of the pregnancy - however, I did know she was seeing casually one of the bouncers at the club, it was not his child. The child was from a short relationship she had prior to the bouncer.

So anyway, we got talking and I really started to like her. It seemed she simply cast aside the bouncer she had a casual thing with and focused everything on me, I felt bad at that at the time and it was awkward but got past it. We argued during the texting stage, oddly, purely for the reasons that we both were definitely becoming more and more attracted in terms of personality and excited about the relationship possibility but the underlying situation of her pregnancy and what comes with that - I 'at the time' assured her that my age and where I was at in my life I felt in a place to be able to support that in that and to move forward with her and her child, I genuinely thought to myself 'you know, I could do this, this seems like a great girl and I could have a family here' (something I want now!) - not only that, I realised heres a pregnant girl, she'll need me too, so we can create a good bond, and she'll be a great home lady... She challenged me on it numerous times at this beginning stage of the relationship - but I challenged her back and said I think i'm confident I can take this on - I believe she ignored me for a number of days but I went back to her and said I can take this on and am confident to do so.

Few elements of her personality, very cold woman, very dry, but I was attacted to her looks, PLUS, the way she was with me - she POURED hours of texting in to me and time and wanted to see me, she totally gave herself on a plate to me -

So she asked me to be the birth partner. She wanted me to be involved at that early stage. Which I was honoured to accept. And honoured she so much wanted to be with me and poured so much attention to me!

Me on the other hand, whilst I was blown away with this all I was aware of my previous emotions and I how I handle breakups is hideous, and i promised I would never get into the state of depression I did years ago (thats where Im at now). I even went into deep detail about how I handle breakups, to be honest, she wanted EVERY piece of information out of me. She trawled my facebook feed to look up things about me, she asked me EVERY thing, deep deep details I didnt really want to talk about, relationships and so - she actually ignored me when I didnt tell her things! She was just an emotional vampire in this sense, literally wanting to know my history inside out. I went along with it...

She also told me that an ex wrote publicly that she was manipulative on his social feed a while before - i didn't think much of it at the time but I do wonder now. She told me shes always been cheated on. I've never cheated on, or would consider it, and certainly didn't with her.

Another strange thing is her relationship with her parents. The live 5 minutes from her apartment. But she hadn't seen them for months, they didn't even know about the pregnancy. She hadn't told them, but I believe they found out through a mutual friend. Just seemed a lot of lies by omission. They would text her often asking her to come round. I hadn't met the parents and was told I wouldn't for some time even though I wanted to. She told me she didn't get on well her mother, or sister, as there was some sibling rivalry over some money borrowed or something and it really put her nose out. So much so, she cut them out of her life it seemed. Embarrassed about the pregnancy too - possibly.

My parents met the now GF and thought she was cold, she doesn't say much, just listens and sits like a meercat - we understood its a nervous situation to be in meeting the parents etc but my parents are absolutely lovely and everyone loves them as they are so welcoming and warming.

Her friendship group, which is EVERYTHING to her, her absolute priority, thought I was a hero to her. And once we were officially together a few months in they were all so kind to me for taking this on as a genuinly nice man, which i am!

I started staying at her apartment a few night a week. She loved to see her girlfriends so I would leave her to it and we would enjoy our company for a few evenings a week.

The day came when she gave birth, last july. She wanted me there so I did and jesus i've never seen anything like that before. So i helped her through. I told the midwives that i was her BF but not the dad, they COULDNT believe it. They said not even husbands come to the birth! All was fine, I felt incredibly attached to her as a result of this - the child, well, I didnt know what the hell was going on and I was in a daze for days.

So this was last year, in July.

I then met the parents oddly, she said I need to goto them now so I drove from the hospital with the baby to her parents and then met them for the first time.. An ODD situation one, I said hello lovely to meet you im XXXX and here is a baby! The parents were lovely to me, I really bonded with them, such lovely people and I miss them deeply now. But no one said I WASNT the dad. I was furious when the GF told me she hadn't told them I wasnt.. This went on for months! I told my parents they didn't know and they were furious too but what could I do, i've only been with her for 4/5 mths! Lies by omission.

Over the course of the next few months, obviously there was serious change, and I understood that due to the baby. She told me I could do as little or much as I could do. Whilst this relationship was now ONLY 4/5 months old I was staying at her apartment at weekends mostly. Very slowly did we progress things in "our" relationship in terms of time with her, and child, because lets face it, its still a very new relationship - that and also I couldn't stay over because the new born was incredibly loud and whilst she was on maternity leave I sure wasn't. It was a stressful situation to be in very early in a relationship.. And I just thought, for all intents and purposes we cant rush this because we need to do it right, and I want it to be right with her and child!

More months passed and I did increase the amount of time weekly I stayed with her, I wanted to see her, I liked her company, we probably got to me staying with her for the entire weekend plus a few days - half'ish of the week. Which in MY mind was a lot for STILL a relatively new relationship. She simply DID NOT understand that and wanted more time, this was probably by last christmas now. So the solution in her mind was for us to buy a property together.. I though, jeeze, i'm only JUST acclimatising to the child and now a house, yikes, okay... So I went along with it and we were looking at properties (within 6-8mths of seeing each other I hear you cry) whereby I would sell mine and she would put a lump of money in too, my property is my asset, I did rent it out every so often, but I thought hey what the hell i'll invest into this relationship - she on the other hand said quite clearly that she would not sell her apartment, but, she would put in money which would obviously be less than what I would add to it. Whilst i'm old fashioned in terms of the man taking the lead I sort of begrudgingly accepted that idea, but by this point I was a bit pissed off with this proposition and the sheer rush rush of it all.. But she lovedd me, everyone said it, she just loved me and showed it.

Its important to note that her child was looked after by her parents from Monday night - Thursday night. During which time she'd visit the child once and put him to bed. Her argument was she 'wanted her own life too', which on the nights I wasnt there consisted of her and her cosmoplitan lifestyle for eating out with her social girlfriends and using the using the local gym morning and night. She loved to see her friends, and the few nights of a week I wasnt wish her I would spend at my parents. Whilst I was happy with setup I now realise her serious lack of time with her child is an issues, and i've become aware of that now from others on talking about this - me having not known what to expect I just went along with it and was happy with everything.

At weekends she'd have her child, and I will be honest, it was hard work to be woken up so early after a long week and she'd be keen to goto the gym early morning on a Saturday and I was very anti this because, whilst I wanted to help, I wanted her WITH me to help do things and I didnt want to have sole responsibility, I mean i did sometimes but hmm. Shes the kind of girl that would leave the bed early to goto the gym before work, whereas I would rather an hour of cuddles, but that is just what she is like.

As we moved into this current year the pressure just grew for a house, she'd pour love into me and desperatly wanted a property with me is all she say - I began to realise that, the core reason for wanting a property with me, if "because" of her child.. The apartment was fine but she wanted a garden so the child could play. And, whilst I really loved being at her apartment i could understand why she wanted a house but I really begun to have issues with spending ALL my money in the world "because" of the child. I asked myself, would she have wanted a massive house with me if it wasnt for the child.. Unlikely i'd say.

She went back to bar work, and sometimes I would look after the child on a saturday pm when she was out, not that often to be honest.

Its obvious she wanted a father figure and security for the child, and whilst I PROMISED her I could do that it just wasnt fast enough for her I'm so deeply sad at the moment, this relationship is over now. I did have a hard time accepting the child, she knew that, but I believed it would come in time.

More months passed and whilst I continued to stay with her for probably all the nights of the week except two or so by now. That and also my relatioship with the child wasn't getting any stronger in true terms. She still wanted to railroad me into having her dreams complete with a house of me and her, and whilst we often looked at various houses with estate agents nothing really fitted the bill for what I wanted.

Anyway, things started a few months ago this got to the point about a month ago now where she said we wanted differnet things, i disagreed strongly and said I do want everything you want just not rushed like this, i like what we have at the moment and i understood she wanted security but I offered her everyhting in terms of support, love, loyality, everything. It just wasnt enough. One night we had an argument and I said things I didnt mean, I said things like i dont even like children and i dont like the child hes too noisy etc etc.. Things I didnt mean. And that was the end. She sent me away asking for space 4 weeks ago - I had huge panic attacks but left.

After the "space" request
--------------------------

Days later she text me things like 'this isnt forever, i just need a little time and space xxx'. So I honoured that and left her space. Then I got messages like 'are you going to talk to me?'.. This turned into big games i thought. People said to me she sent me away in order I go back begging and she'll get everything on her terms.

I replied 'yes, i think we need to talk yes, but I have given you the space you wanted', so after trying to get a day out of her to meet which was hard enough we did. I went with a piece of paper with all sort of notes on it, describing how much I love and cared for her, how this has driven me to talk to my old therapist, and thought of compromises to make such as me living at her apartment full term and taking on a lot more responsibility for the child. She just listened and didnt offer anything - she continued the "i dont know, im confused card, but this isn't forever'

Then i saw her out in the bar having a great time. She followed up with me the following day saying "shes enjoying the space and that she didnt see the relationship would work right now", so i said fairwell to her in a text and then i removed her from Facebook and the relationship status.

That evening she went WILD at me, 30 missed calls, 50 texts, saying I publicly left her and her child, I've never seen anything like this, how dare I do this, how could I do this to her. I finally answered and said - "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND?! You didn't want this relationship?" She demanded I brought the rest of her things to her, not to her friend as I suggested but to her directly, which I did the following day - it felt like entrapment but I went anyway. She then pinned me down and said i hurt her by cancelling the relationship on FB?! I said you told me you didnt want this.. So then I said, okay, well then LETS DO THIS! She backed down again and she she had to go as had plans with her friends. Unbelievable i thought, you'd rather see your friends than sort this.

More weeks past, and more weeks where i'm suffered horrendously, where I tried to make yet more effort with her, I text her explaining how much I missed the child and if I could look after it for some time. I went to her unannounced to tell her how much I loved her, but when I saw her, I realised there was already someone on the scene, I could just tell by the way she had make-up on, on a Sunday night.

I've had messaged from her parents which alluded to her being really upset and what could be done to get back together, as they though I was so good for her etc. I had a really heart to heart with her mother over it.

She since informed me on at the weekend shes now seeing someone else, that dry text hit me like a ton of bricks, we've only been over for a matter of weeks. A matter of weeks before where she was piling me with love, how can you move on in a few weeks after you've wanted the world with someone a matter of weeks / months before! I'm a broken man currently. Violent panic attacks. Insomnia. Sweating in the night. I've found out who it is, the guy is a part owner of a bar in the city, a party guy himself gets drunk a lot and thats his life?! I didnt think thats what she wanted..

All my friends say I am better off out of this manipulative woman but I just cant see and I STILL want her back, I never put her on a pedestal until now. Not only that friends with children say that they are AMAZED at the way she is with her child, in that her child isnt even a priority to her even though she said it wasnt fair the way I was (no attachement) with her child.. but its clear she TOO just accepts the child

Okay, this is a really long thread, but my god man! give your head a shake. You wrote this and somehow you still think this woman is your loss?

You even described her as A "Classy" woman a couple times, that seriously made me laugh. She sounds super "classy" with all the guys she is hooking up with at the workplace and with the pregnancy and not talking to her family because of money issues, mmhmm, super "sex in the city". You had your boner glasses on. You said it yourself she was cold and dry, but you were attracted to her. She gave you attention solely because what you could and were willing to provide for her. She wanted you to GIVE your time/money/property attention, and she doesn't have to do any of the same. You were a sucker. She does not love you, she can't even love her own child enough to be with them, what makes you think she cares about anyone but herself? I think you need to stop responding to her, and get out of her life, and then you need to examine yourself and why you think you go after a woman like this. Do you not think you deserve real love?

Trust me you dodged a bullet. If you go back to her, you are enabling her behavior which is quite obviously unhealthy and toxic. She doesn't love you. Sorry, but real love doesn't sound like this.

December 7, 2015

I appreciate that NoLeafClover, thanks, in her defence she is from a good background and decent family, they're well off and well spoken to be fair. So in terms of trashy, whist I should not defend her now she isn't necessarily that 'type', she herself is well spoken and well presented with assets of her own. Reasons why i thought I would invest in this.

Torpedo dodged, that's sounds fair

Being from a decent family does not make you a decent person.

She is from a decent family that she lies to and doesn't speak to because of money issues. SHE is the issue, not the family.

Just because she has assets does not make her independent either. How do you know how those assets came about? Maybe from another person like yourself.

She sounds like a horrible person from your thread. Just cannot believe someone would be attracted to someone so awful. She is well spoken though...so that's okay then.

December 7, 2015

You said it yourself she was cold and dry, but you were attracted to her. She gave you attention solely because what you could and were willing to provide for her. She wanted you to GIVE your time/money/property attention

I have to admit that I was thinking the same. I do not dare to say exactly what is wrong, but she has psychological problems. I am afraid this will also be passed on to her child, as she is neglecting that poor kid. Neglect, especially in the first two years is very destructive for the way kids will be able to form relationships for the rest of their lives.

December 8, 2015

A bit lost, You seem to be such a nice guy but wake up Sweetheart !!! This girl has a serious personality disorder, something like being a psychopath. She is unable to form an emotional attachment with her own baby, she has a messed up relationship with her own family, but needs validation from a group of "friends". (?)

She doesn't feel remorse !! She is manipulative (uses sex to get what she wants from you, that's not love! ), gains people's trust by learning how to mimic normal emotions. You said that she is cold and dry. ...... Consider yourself very lucky that this relationship ended. I hope you will be able to see everything more clearly, objectively soon. You are emotionally involved, you are experiencing withdrawal, feeling rejected, that's what heartache is. (it supposed to be in the same area of the brain as the withdrawal of drugs ?)

It is a blessing that you didn't have a child with her. I truly feel sorry for that little kid, maybe he/she would be better off staying with the grandparents. "A bit lost" please move on and STAY AWAY FROM HER !!! Try to see this from the outside.

December 8, 2015

I agree with everyone on here. She is not good for you. I'm sorry she effected you in this way too.

December 8, 2015

People thank you for your time I really appreciate it and thank you for investing time in me, i said to myself i wouldn't come on here again but i'm pleased i did - this has really made me see things differently, today this morning even after all the people I've cried on their shoulders, my therapist, friends, neighbors only until now can I see some tiny light to this - I expected answers from my story to be, oh you just didn't do enough for the woman and her baby.

I've tried to be as objective and unbiased as possible to give a clear picture of how this was with her to get objective answers but this just has opened up a whirlwind of 'what' in my mind. Was I that blind? She did care I could see that, she would often say 'I wish you'd love me as much as I love you'. Hmm i mean who says that!... And things like 'me and the child just get in your way' - that hurts now.. I thought I was a challenge! Was I that wrong? everything now has made my think. I'm sure there was definite love/care there in some capacity. I could tell after many days of being apart and the way she'd run to me. Its the s**t like that i'm holding on to right now... I think I already know the answer to this, and whilst that was there there was obviously other deep seated stuff at play. Thats clear - shes with someone new within weeks of us being over?! And this is now 'public' information I been led to believe! - I feel sick thinking about it, sick to the stomach, my heart drops.

With the whole house buying thing, when I did say maybe it's too soon for this her reaction was for her to get a house on her own with her child, which I challenged then because I thought well whats the point of you doing that if we will get one in a years to come it will just complicated it all.. People of Loveshack, just as I wrote that paragraph I had an 'a-ha' moment, she said that as leverage for me to commit to it with her in a reverse psychology way... Probably.

Instead of waking up this morning at 4 as I have been covered in sweat, panic and jealously I just lay feeling hurt and betrayed and came straight to this page and read it to remind me.

I am hurt, and have suffered massively over this, whilst as you say she has zero remorse, she is not sat there thinking about this in pain, I've been replaced publicly now within weeks with a party-boy bar manager host that she knew she and was friends with prior and probably cultivated quietly during our relationship, i'm aware they were 'friends' that occasionally caught up via message - but I trusted, as my parents say if she truly had loved me then me making all the advances to her after all this she would have taken to - this has felt to me like a complete role reversal after this end when I subconciosily knew during the relationship things were just not right but I believed her. Hurt and in pain over the loss of the dream of a future I thought I had all mapped out with her. Loss, hurt.

For me to run run run I know that's the answer.

Edited December 8, 2015 by a_bit_lost

December 8, 2015

One of the things that really stings here, is yes, I get it she is now in a new relationship - but what from I gather, and I cannot be sure, but this is a public thing..

Not necessarily a causal dating thing - from what I understand its a public relationship one I can only assume would be announced on Facebook and so on which would clarify why she has removed all the mutual friends we had, I already took steps to remove and block her in particular and the majority of her friends but she finished the job off... I'm not sure whether I am right or not, nor is wise for me to dig around people to find out. I just think its so callous! A matter of weeks after 18mths with myself an bringing that child into the world with her and plans for a long future with children, homes, dreams.. This is a joke. I'm so cross! Normal people would say "Im sorry i'm not ready for a relationship" - instead from what I've been told shes right in there with this new host. Surly friends etc would be biting their knuckles and if saw this public declaration (which I assume has happened on social media) must think, jeeze, wasn't she two minutes ago with that other guy and surly that isn't healthly. Not only thats hes a partyboy in most capacity. I mean WHAT the hell. I know this'll do me a favor to move on but my god

Edited December 8, 2015 by a_bit_lost

December 8, 2015

Hey, she rushed into a new relationship to save face. She only cares about her image in front of "friends" and Facebook etc. Her ego got hurt when you left her, now she is trying to compensate. Even trying to make you jealous, manipulative and immature. I doubt that it will be a lasting, true love kind of relationship. Regardless,,,like i said before, you are lucky that she is out of the picture. Healing will take time, be patient. There are so many nice women out there, once you find one --and you will!!! ----you will never look back. Crazy girl will be invalid and the only thing that you will think " WHAT WAS I THINKING !!!??? " So, for now, let you emotions flow freely, cry if you need to for a month.....then get on a credible dating site and ask women out for a coffee date You can cut these short, if you need to and doesn't cost much. Meet a new lady almost everyday, keep a light and fun conversation going. Don't talk/ask about exes !!! It might take you 40 dates to find that incredible, exciting, attractive girlfriend....but it's worth it, right?? Tattoo this into your head : YOU ARE A CATCH, HAVE A LOT TO OFFER for someone worthy and YOU WON'T SETTLE FOR A WOMAN WHO LACKS BASIC HUMAN CHARACTERISTICS. Such as compassion, attachment, warmth, remorse, REAL LOVE, consideration, respect, being attentive/caring for others, making sacrifice for others. Mammals show some of these for God's sake. Start dating sir, as soon as you feel in peace, so that you won't hurt others. Talk to close friends, go to the gym frequently, get a hobby, read books, new experiences, start cooking, shift your focus , occupy yourself. Try to help out others with their heartache up here on LS, it is also very helpful... keep your chin up! You will feel better everyday. pinky swear

December 8, 2015

Hey, she rushed into a new relationship to save face. She only cares about her image in front of "friends" and Facebook etc. Her ego got hurt when you left her, now she is trying to compensate. Even trying to make you jealous, manipulative and immature. I doubt that it will be a lasting, true love kind of relationship. Regardless,,,like i said before, you are lucky that she is out of the picture. Healing will take time, be patient. There are so many nice women out there, once you find one --and you will!!! ----you will never look back. Crazy girl will be invalid and the only thing that you will think " WHAT WAS I THINKING !!!??? " So, for now, let you emotions flow freely, cry if you need to for a month.....then get on a credible dating site and ask women out for a coffee date You can cut these short, if you need to and doesn't cost much. Meet a new lady almost everyday, keep a light and fun conversation going. Don't talk/ask about exes !!! It might take you 40 dates to find that incredible, exciting, attractive girlfriend....but it's worth it, right?? Tattoo this into your head : YOU ARE A CATCH, HAVE A LOT TO OFFER for someone worthy and YOU WON'T SETTLE FOR A WOMAN WHO LACKS BASIC HUMAN CHARACTERISTICS. Such as compassion, attachment, warmth, remorse, REAL LOVE, consideration, respect, being attentive/caring for others, making sacrifice for others. Mammals show some of these for God's sake. Start dating sir, as soon as you feel in peace, so that you won't hurt others. Talk to close friends, go to the gym frequently, get a hobby, read books, new experiences, start cooking, shift your focus , occupy yourself. Try to help out others with their heartache up here on LS, it is also very helpful... keep your chin up! You will feel better everyday. pinky swear

Dear of you and dear thoughts, I will re-read this over and over. Heartfelt thank you so much.

December 8, 2015

I skimmed some of the posts but from what I read I got the feeling that the friend, new BF might very well be the father of the child, if that is the case then please just move on and let her have him and if it isn't then the same applies.

If she doesn't want you and has found a new man then there likely isn't anything you can do to change her mind and consider yourself lucky as she seems like she is just looking for someone to help her... or save her as it were.

December 8, 2015

I skimmed some of the posts but from what I read I got the feeling that the friend, new BF might very well be the father of the child, if that is the case then please just move on and let her have him and if it isn't then the same applies.

If she doesn't want you and has found a new man then there likely isn't anything you can do to change her mind and consider yourself lucky as she seems like she is just looking for someone to help her... or save her as it were.

The new BF in whatever capacity isn't the father. The actual father wanted nothing to do with her or the child and he made that clear at the beginning when she was pregnant, she said he was horrible to her about it. She eventually cut him off from the situation but he does legally pay towards it, a setup I told her not to necessarily bother with because he'll have to be in the picture. She left it to legal channels and has since blocked him from everything, recently. I knew that may come back one day and I would have had to deal with that down the line.

The new BF is an old friend of hers. He's within her friendship circle. I don't want to overly complicate matters here but she actually got pulled up about a year ago by texting him at the time by his GF. His GF actually messaged her and told her to back off... she played it off to me as the GF was crazy and had a history of this over protective nature and there was nothing in it and she was just texting her mate... I trusted her and I really didn't explore into it, MORE FOOL ME I GUESS, this was agess ago - maybe a year. I'm not sure if there is / was anything in it back then and as I say I don't want to go down that road really now. I guess he was probably just waiting with open arms.

December 8, 2015

I don't want to overly complicate matters

Then do what you should have done a long time ago.

Put her and all her friends in your rear view mirror.

December 8, 2015

A bit lost, are you familiar with the term codependent? Sometimes we have learned to help to feel loved (I am guilty there too). It makes us feel great. Unfortunately is not as simple as knowing this to not fall into that trap. I experienced that sometimes I do not even know what I am doing already is perceived by others as helping. Apparently my knowledge of normal there is not entirely in balance. I learned that it is hard to know how to act different, especially when our experience is different, but we can.

Your ex is spoiled in the sense that she wants everything her way right now. That was your only mistake in the end, although I would say your saviour. Pleasing her is not possible as the things she lacks and is searching for cannot be found in others, but only herself.

I know this is hard to swallow, especially now. You seem to be a smart guy, you have chances to overcome this and in the end meet someone much better. Her story is a sadder one, but it is her road to walk, not yours!

December 8, 2015

I tried to read it from her perspective.

To me it seemed like you had well over a year to decide of it was what you wanted and she wanted a house and commitment.

You didn't.

If someone told me that they didn't like children or my child in particular, I'd jettison them immediately.

I would be able to even look back emotionally or otherwise.

They could have given me the world on a silver platter, but I would want nothing to do with them if they said something disparaging about my daughter. (Who is an awesome little daughter.)

I always wonder why guys make a big thing about "she's with someone else a few weeks later."

Well, yeah. Why the heck not?

Is there a law about having to wait to date after someone tears down your kid?

Like if it was a little tear-down, you have to wait a week.

But if they said something nasty about your kid, you gave to wait three months. Except if you broke up on a Tuesday?

It isn't a reflection of your relationship how quickly someone decides to date again.

I would be VERY surprised if many men waited beyond a week to try to hook up with someone. Which personally I think is less healthy then getting back on the dating scene.

Clearly you held back from committing to her for whatever reason. That doesn't mean she owes you waiting forever and ever when you don't even like her kid!

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Met her when she was pregnant! Did loads for her and its all over. Am broken.

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