ses Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 So I'm pretty upset right now. My parents are divorced and I was planning on spending the holidays with my sister, my brother-in-law, my nephew and my mother (who's flying in) one day, and with my dad and stepmother another day. I had anticipated that my SO would spend Christmas with my sister, et. al until she was adamant that I NOT bring him over to the house. I understand her trepidation because she hasn't met him yet (he's in med school and his schedule is very intense). She wants us to meet in a neutral location far from the house and then have him drop me off at the train station so I can meet them there. It hurts a lot because I was planning on putting us up at a hotel nearby so he wouldn't have to stay with them--and now I've been forbidden to do that. My mother has been so excited to see him (she hasn't met him either), and I'm left feeling pretty distraught now at the circumstances. I don't know when we'll all meet up now as I was planning on seeing his family before the holidays. My sister is also upset because I may only have a few days to spend with my mom because she lives in another country. I'm upset too because I feel torn as my SO will only be here for 2 weeks (after 6 weeks apart) and then has to leave to finish his rotations. I won't see him again for another 6 weeks, and then he'll be home in mid-February, and then he'll leave again mid-March for another rotation before he takes his boards. I just told her I'd spend Christmas Day with my father and stepmother since they would've been by themselves this year (and I had traveled overseas to see my mother last year). I plan on having us stay at a hotel room if my parents feel uncomfortable with him staying downstairs (we're in our late 20's). This would be my SO's first Christmas, and I'm left feeling sad and stressed. All I wanted was to spend the holidays together with my loved ones and it feels like a clusterf*ck.
PegNosePete Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 she was adamant that I NOT bring him over to the house. Err, who is "him" and "she"? I'm a bit confused by your pronoun usage. I don't really understand the situation. You and your SO are visiting family, or they are coming to visit you? Your SO is also coming to visit you? Sorry it's a bit confusing!
kendahke Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I was planning on putting us up at a hotel nearby so he wouldn't have to stay with them. My mother has been so excited to see him. I just told her I'd spend Christmas Day with my father and stepmother since they would've been by themselves this year (and I had traveled overseas to see my mother last year). Go ahead with your plans. Your sister is not your mother, so she can't forbid you doing this. Your plans sound quite reasonable. Your sister is being unrealistic and silly. If she continues to act like this, then spend time with your mom and dad/step mom as planned and leave your sister out of the equation. 2
Author ses Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 Sorry, I wrote this in haste! "She" refers to my sister; "he/him" is my SO. We were planning on spending a few days prior to Christmas with his family, and then a few days with my mother while she's in town since she's wanted to meet him. I had planned on all of us spending the holidays together since time is limited. It just bothers me a lot because I don't know when my mother will be able to meet him if not now since he'll apply for residency next year (and our schedule/free time will become more constricted).
PegNosePete Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Ah right, thanks for clarifying. So your sister doesn't want him to come to her house? Well, that's her prerogative, it's her house. She has the last say on who comes through the front door. But yeah, IMO she is being quite unreasonable about that. If I were you I'd tell her that you're a couple, and if he's not invited then you won't be coming either. There's no way she can "forbid" you from getting a hotel room. That's nothing to do with her. It sounds like she's trying to control your life a bit too much here. She has the right to allow or deny access to her own home, but beyond that door, she has no say in what you do. 2
Author ses Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 Thanks for the advice. Absolutely, I wouldn't have been upset if she had told me I needed to get a hotel room since he is a stranger; however, I was almost left speechless when she told me he couldn't even come into the city and would have to meet elsewhere. The area she specified is closer to his family but it seems a little ridiculous because she'd have to drive more then 2.5 hours to meet us; we were more than willing to make the 4 hour drive there without protest. It is her house, but I feel like she's judging the both of us with suspicion, and I wish she'd give him a fair chance without casting aspersions on his character. All I wanted was for all of us to spend the holidays together before he has to leave. I don't know when they'll get a chance to meet him again as he really doesn't have much free time, and will be even far more limited in the future. I would feel bad if a year had gone by and we decided to move in together, and my family hadn't met him.
PegNosePete Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 she told me he couldn't even come into the city !!! Who does she think she is, the town sheriff?! She has no control over who comes into the city, and if I were you, I'd have told her that in no uncertain terms when she made that ridiculous statement. I would tell her now, that you two are a package deal, she can either invite both of you, or neither will be there. I'm sure you can go ahead with the hotel room and make alternate plans to meet your mother while she's there. And then go ahead and meet your dad and step-mum too. Your sis will be the only one who hasn't met him, and will be left out when they're all talking about how great he is and how happy you are together. 1
Author ses Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 I think I'm just going to meet with my mother on a separate occasion in the future as this seems unfair, and has made me considerably uncomfortable. I don't even want to bring it up with my SO because it sounds bad, and he doesn't need the stress; it's not his fault, and nothing he did. I don't have children so I can't truly understand it, but it hurts to have my judgment questioned--especially during the holidays, and it would be his first.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 What in the fresh heck, OP? Has your sister always been this controlling? What exactly is her problem with him? Unless there's a piece of the puzzle you're not sharing, she sounds like a whack-a-doo. You need to tell her to stuff it. She is far too involved here. For what it's worth, I know a girl who sounds an awful lot like your sister. She absolutely refused to meet her younger brother's new girlfriend when she went home for a vacation, for no particular reason. It was a very odd reaction. I can only surmise that she was angry she wouldn't be the centre of attention and would need to share her brother's attention with another girl. Yes, she is that nuts.
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