Triface Janus Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Okay here is my situation and I need to know if I'm breaking some unwritten rule of dating. I am active on a few dating sites and while I encounter more misses than hits, I do okay. Often times I find that I will be chatting and talking to a few women at the same time. My question is do I need to confess that I'm talking to more than one woman at a time and once I've had sex with one of them, should I stop talking to the others even though no one is exclusive. I ask because I was talking to a woman that I REALLY liked, but we had never met but the chemistry was there, and when I admitted that I was having a physical relationship with someone else she called it quits, which made me feel like I had done something wrong. So what should I be doing?
mystikmind2005 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 When you first start dating someone, it should be quietly assumed you will be seeing other people. It is not a subject you want to bring up in conversation for some time. Sometimes women ask early on if you are seeing other people.... that is the female version of the crazy 'i love you' that some guys do after only a couple of dates! I have had it happen two me, twice in a row actually! one was a second date, the other was a first date. There is really no way of picking up the pieces when it happens,,, sorry.
TheBathWater Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I used to struggle with this EXACT issue, but not any longer. Here's what I do... On the first phone call or first meeting, I always ask the question: "How do you like to date?" That's it. Usually, I'll get a "what do you mean?" kind of response. I say something like: "Some people date one person at a time, some date multiple people but only casually, others sleep with multiple people... I like to avoid any confusion and be open with people I'm seeing about what I'm doing and learn what they're doing." I've always had a positive response for asking this question, and usually the woman will say it's refreshing. My own philosophy is to meet up casually with a few women who I am interested in, and if things start to escalate emotionally or physically with one of them, I just focus on them and see how that goes for a bit. Some women do the same, and others tell me they are only going to see me while I continue meeting people. It's all good, as long as you're being open and honest. 3
TheBathWater Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 When you first start dating someone, it should be quietly assumed you will be seeing other people. It is not a subject you want to bring up in conversation for some time. Sometimes women ask early on if you are seeing other people.... that is the female version of the crazy 'i love you' that some guys do after only a couple of dates! I have had it happen two me, twice in a row actually! one was a second date, the other was a first date. There is really no way of picking up the pieces when it happens,,, sorry. I would see that as a red flag - that someone would run or be turned off by my wanting to know their dating approach. Quietly assuming anything is a potential disaster waiting to happen, in my opinion. I ask up front, and not one bad response to date. 1
normal person Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 It's sort of an ambiguous gray area until you decide to become exclusive. I guess technically once you sleep with someone you don't "have" to stop talking to other people, but it's probably expected more often than not -- but this isn't the sort of thing that will get you a free pass because of a technicality. If the person is upset by it, she's upset by it and there isn't much that'll change that. That being said, she could also be doing the same thing. You just don't know until you actually have the discussion. Don't leave it up for interpretation.
dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I ask because I was talking to a woman that I REALLY liked, but we had never met but the chemistry was there, and when I admitted that I was having a physical relationship with someone else she called it quits, which made me feel like I had done something wrong. So what should I be doing? I'd never, ever, even go on a first date with a guy I knew was having a sexual relationship with another woman. I prefer Tuna's method. And if you said, "Yeah, I do whatever until it's exclusive," I'd ask where you were at now, as in if you were sleeping with anyone. And when you said yes, I'd move on. 3
dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I used to struggle with this EXACT issue, but not any longer. Here's what I do... On the first phone call or first meeting, I always ask the question: "How do you like to date?" That's it. Usually, I'll get a "what do you mean?" kind of response. I say something like: "Some people date one person at a time, some date multiple people but only casually, others sleep with multiple people... I like to avoid any confusion and be open with people I'm seeing about what I'm doing and learn what they're doing." I've always had a positive response for asking this question, and usually the woman will say it's refreshing. My own philosophy is to meet up casually with a few women who I am interested in, and if things start to escalate emotionally or physically with one of them, I just focus on them and see how that goes for a bit. Some women do the same, and others tell me they are only going to see me while I continue meeting people. It's all good, as long as you're being open and honest. This is how I like to handle it as well. The problem arises when the actions don't match the description, but that's for another thread.
SwordofFlame Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I believe in the don't ask/don't tell approach until you or your partner wants exclusivity. Then you can talk about it. 1
Wewon Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 From what I've read on here, its sort every man, woman for his or herself until someone has the wherewithal to actually call it a relationship. Until then noone owes anyone anything, even their undivided attention. So build up as big a buffer of women as you can until you get a reason to stop. 1
Maggie4 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Not surprising she called it quits after you told her you're sleeping with other women. Did you not know that? Very easy to call it quits when you haven't met. So if you are sleeping with women, and you want to be honest, I don't know how you'd be able to keep the other ones from dropping you. It's important to be honest, so it seems the only option is don't sleep with women until it gets to be really serious?
TheTraveler Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 and when I admitted that I was having a physical relationship with someone else she called it quits Don't do this again. 1
Toodaloo Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 If someone is physical with another person I am not interested. To put it bluntly my health including my sexual health means a lot to me so sod that. If it goes beyond a few dates (3 or 4) I usually ask before I sleep with them. I do not want to sleep with a guy who is still seeing other women. If its a first few dates I am not bothered. He will either pick me or not. Its inconsequential. 1
PegNosePete Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 when I admitted that I was having a physical relationship with someone else she called it quits If I found out that a woman I was dating was shagging another guy, I would call it quits too. So what should I be doing? You should look for someone with whom you share values about this kind of thing. If you want to multi-date, then find someone who doesn't mind you multi-dating (and is probably multi-dating herself). And if you want to, err, multi-shag, then find someone who doesn't mind you multi-shagging (and is probably multi-shagging herself). If you find that multi-shagging or multi-dating are limiting your dating pool too much, you might want to revise your policies. Use protection. 5
Author Triface Janus Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Not surprising she called it quits after you told her you're sleeping with other women. Did you not know that? Very easy to call it quits when you haven't met. So if you are sleeping with women, and you want to be honest, I don't know how you'd be able to keep the other ones from dropping you. It's important to be honest, so it seems the only option is don't sleep with women until it gets to be really serious? Sorry Mags this is not my only option, this seems like something only a woman would do. Thanks for the advice but this is akin to marrying someone just so I can have sex with them. I think that your option would only create more hurt feelings when it doesn't work out and then I'd be the guy she wasted her time on.
Author Triface Janus Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 It seems like the consensus from most of the guys is to employ the don't ask don't tell policy and the ladies feel that I should commit to one woman at a time and be completely honest, which to me is nice, but that kind of thinking got me married...twice. So I'm with the fellas(or what I guess were guys) and play it close to the vest and only give up the ghost if I am asked directly if I'm seeing other people. From my experience even though I'm talking to someone I've never met there is no way of telling if we will like each other when and if we meet, so blabbing about the other women is just premature. And to Tuna with the "How do you date" Line. That is classy but I think I'll try to put my own spin on if I decide to go that route. Thanks for the help you guys and gals
insert_name Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Just remember to take it on the chin if you find out the woman of your dreams was banging 2 other guys on the nights leading up to your early dates OP. Not saying anything seems reasonable if you aren't asked...but that being said situations like this have a habit of creating threads later with titles like: "She never told me she was screwing around!!111"
Author Triface Janus Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Just remember to take it on the chin if you find out the woman of your dreams was banging 2 other guys on the nights leading up to your early dates OP. Not saying anything seems reasonable if you aren't asked...but that being said situations like this have a habit of creating threads later with titles like: "She never told me she was screwing around!!111" Oh I fully understand whats good for the goose and all that, but I usually date working moms and they barely have time for themselves let alone to bang other guys, but I'll be ready to "take it on the chin" should the time comes
Maggie4 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Right... I hear ya. If I want to know, I'd better ask.
Toodaloo Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 OP Most women do not want to wait until marriage but equally see no point in risking their sexual health for the sake of cheap shags here and there. I am not going to sleep with a man who is sleeping with or seeing others for the simple reason that I respect my body and don't want crabs. I am not in any way unusual. Like PegNose says. Use protection. 1
PegNosePete Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 that kind of thinking got me married...twice. Who said wait for marriage? No-one. Being in an exclusive relationship doesn't mean married. So I'm with the fellas(or what I guess were guys) and play it close to the vest and only give up the ghost if I am asked directly if I'm seeing other people. Well, if you're just looking to get laid as much as possible, then yes that strategy will probably work. But if you're looking for a genuine relationship, I wouldn't recommend it. As soon as they find out you're shagging others, they will dump you, and accuse you of lying by omission and lack of commitment and respect. Good luck finding happiness, whatever that is to you! 1
salparadise Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Right... I hear ya. If I want to know, I'd better ask. Yea, probably. Assumptions are usually problematic. But flat out asking if you're currently banging anything is hardly polite conversation. When my gf and I first got together we never did the explicit Q&A, but we let our situations be known in the general info exchange. The early dating protocol is an interesting subject. It's highly intuitive. For someone looking for a real relationship, I think you're likely to miss if you're playing it like a numbers game... yet online dating is exactly that in another sense. In fact, all of this seems closely associated with (but not strictly governed by) the concepts of game theory, tit for tat, and reciprocal altruism (Dawkins, Trivers, et al) in social psychology. Interesting reads for anyone so inclined. For my gf and I, I'm pretty sure that if either one of us had been multi-dating we wouldn't have gotten past a second date. We are both highly intuitive (NF and NT) and we can just sense when something isn't quite what it seems. I have never dated anyone so disinclined toward the gamesmanship aspect of selection (pairing up). So for me and my sensibilities, this early period when the rules aren't clearly defined is an opportunity to figure out what sort of person you're dealing with on many levels... as much as it can also be an uncomfortable challenge, esp. when there is attraction without cooperation, or if you've been burned previously. 2
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