TheBathWater Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I recently started seeing a woman in her mid forties. I'm in my early thirties. She has already gone through a couple of divorces and has kids, and I have none of those things. So far, I like her, but I am having a hard time imagining us being together for many years, purely because of the age difference. When I'm in my mid-forties, she'll be in her early sixties! I also wouldn't mind being married and having my own kids someday. I would like to continue seeing her for the time being, having fun, and developing a connection, but I'm wondering how to tell her these things and also how to manage boundaries over time. I can tell she's really starting to like me, and I like her too, but I just don't want to disappoint over time. Any advice is appreciated.
abby_tx Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Holy ****. This is EXACTLY the situation my friend was/is in. They dated for a little over a year. Want to know what happened? Total heartbreak a year later. It doesn't seem worth it to get into this unless you both just want sex (which is what their plan was but then they fell in love and couldn't stay away from one another). 1
hippychick3 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Well, my bf and I have the same age difference. I'm the first real relationship he's ever had with someone older than himself. I look at least 10 years younger than my age and other than the lack of ability to have kids (without risk), the age is not a factor between us. If there is no chance you are wanting a long term relationship with her and you are sure you want children (my bf wasn't sure he did when we met), you need to be upfront with her. If you're in this just for fun, she needs to agree and be on the same page. Edited to add...our age difference is 9 years... a bit less of a difference than you two. 3
Wewon Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I recently started seeing a woman in her mid forties. I'm in my early thirties. She has already gone through a couple of divorces and has kids, and I have none of those things. So far, I like her, but I am having a hard time imagining us being together for many years, purely because of the age difference. When I'm in my mid-forties, she'll be in her early sixties! I also wouldn't mind being married and having my own kids someday. I would like to continue seeing her for the time being, having fun, and developing a connection, but I'm wondering how to tell her these things and also how to manage boundaries over time. I can tell she's really starting to like me, and I like her too, but I just don't want to disappoint over time. Any advice is appreciated. Be straight up and tell her. The fact that you want to have kids some days should tell her that this isn't going to be too serious and not to invest too much. 2
mortensorchid Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Well, try it out for a bit. You are probably in the infatuation stage right now still. After six months, you are out of that. Then give it some more time and see how you feel. People keep saying that you choose someone. I think that's rubbish - you try it out and see what you will see. You know immediately if the person is not for you. But if you feel that there is something, try it. But don't automatically assume anything, build over time and see what happens. Once infatuation wears off after about 6-9 months, see where you are.
truth_seeker Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 This is not going to work if you want kids, unless you're open to adopting a child. I think if it were the other way around, you older, her younger, no problem. I think age gaps are an issue when the woman is older than the guy.
Author TheBathWater Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 Well, I should add that I'm not completely set on the idea of having children either... BUT I just don't see how we could be together when I'm 45 and she's 60...or me 55 and her 70! Can you imagine? I know I'll want someone closer to my age and whose life expectancy is somewhat close to mine. She looks GREAT for her age right now though, and the sex is incredible, and of course I like the way we get along, so I could do it for a while...just not forever.
truth_seeker Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I could do it for a while...just not forever. Make sure she knows this. Don't lead her on to believe this is forever. 2
hippychick3 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 That's fine as long as she's aware of where you stand. It wouldn't be right to string her along and lead her to believe you're looking for a LTR with her. 2
Maggie4 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 There probably isn't an age-related concern that you can bring up, which she has not already thought about.
TheTraveler Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Well, I should add that I'm not completely set on the idea of having children either... BUT I just don't see how we could be together when I'm 45 and she's 60...or me 55 and her 70! Can you imagine? I know I'll want someone closer to my age and whose life expectancy is somewhat close to mine. She looks GREAT for her age right now though, and the sex is incredible, and of course I like the way we get along, so I could do it for a while...just not forever. Move on and find someone closer to your age. 1
Mrin Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Well, if you can move beyond the whole kids thing then you have to ask yourself, is this a woman you can fall in love with. If not, well, you probably shouldn't waste her time unless she wants it to be wasted. Seriously, if you fall deeply in love with her, would age matter? If you found your soulmate, would it matter that she was older than you? If it does, she's not your soulmate. Just saying. 2
RedRobin Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 (edited) Well, I should add that I'm not completely set on the idea of having children either... BUT I just don't see how we could be together when I'm 45 and she's 60...or me 55 and her 70! Can you imagine? I know I'll want someone closer to my age and whose life expectancy is somewhat close to mine. She looks GREAT for her age right now though, and the sex is incredible, and of course I like the way we get along, so I could do it for a while...just not forever. My observation is that most women generally take better care of themselves than most men. They take care of their skin, exercise, etc. men not so much. Even men my exact age don't look as good as me. A lot of men want to avoid wearing sunscreen like the plague... And it shows. It's damned annoying. If they have hair, they won't dye it. And lots grow grey beards while still relatively young. I really wish men would do more to maintain themselves. I am not a fan of large age gap relationships for anyone... Man or woman... But generally it's the man who is falling apart in older age, not the woman. Not to mention dying younger. For those who don't want kids, or are ok adopting, it makes more sense that the woman is older if longetivity is a concern. Edited December 7, 2015 by RedRobin 7
truthtripper Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 My observation is that most women generally take better care of themselves than most men. They take care of their skin, exercise, etc. men not so much. Even men my exact age don't look as good as me. A lot of men want to avoid wearing sunscreen like the plague... And it shows. It's damned annoying. If they have hair, they won't dye it. And lots grow grey beards while still relatively young. I really wish men would do more to maintain themselves. . :laugh: 1
truthtripper Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Well, if you can move beyond the whole kids thing then you have to ask yourself, is this a woman you can fall in love with. If not, well, you probably shouldn't waste her time unless she wants it to be wasted. Seriously, if you fall deeply in love with her, would age matter? If you found your soulmate, would it matter that she was older than you? If it does, she's not your soulmate. Just saying. If you love someone with your entire being, if you have a deep connection and resonance that you've never experienced before with anyone else-this is way too sexy and you will forget her age, trust me. 4
burnt Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 If all you are looking for is a temporary relationship for companionship and/or sex, then be upfront about it with her. It's not going to be fun or fair, if one of you ends up getting too attached emotionally and someone's going to get hurt. If you're searching for someone to build a life partnership with, well, I think you already answered your own question--she's not the one, simply because of the age gap. Bad idea--don't start it. No one can explain to you what an age gap relationship does to you in the long haul until you're living in it for a long time. Keep looking--find someone age compatible.
lilmissjava Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 The age difference wasn't a factor as much as my ex's emotional maturity level in my last relationship. I have always attracted younger men. We were together for 3 years and marriage and kids weren't on our agenda, just getting through the day with someone who was jealous, insecure and controlling was the hardest part, which led to my ending it all earlier this year. The fact that I was considerably older (20 yrs) was not an issue to either of our family or friends and the breakdown of our relationship came as a result of issues that break many other relationships between two people who are same age or close in age. But at the end of the day, if marriage and kids are what you think you want, you really shouldn't invest too much into this woman.
truthtripper Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I look at least 10 years younger than my age and other than the lack of ability to have kids (without risk), the age is not a factor between us. Same here. I'm 40, but I attract men in their 20s and am attracted to them. I couldn't even imagine dating a man even a few years older than me. It would feel like dating my dad! I'm not fussed about not having kids, although my aunt accidentally got pregnant when she was 46, no IVF. She has a healthy 27 year old son. So who knows, there may be still time for me??? 1
oldshirt Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 If you want a temporary FWB, there's nothing wrong with enjoying the company of a MILF while you look for a realistic mate. It's ok to enjoy her company, companionship and sexuality, just don't take yourself off of the general dating market. Here's the real catch of how this is a road to nowhere. In just a matter of a couple years or a handful of years, that hot MILF you are seeing now that is twirling you upside down and showing you things you never knew existed in bed is going to hit menopause. When that happens it going to be like talking to some dude in the grocery store. She's going to be as sexy as the average eunich librarian. And as a man in your 30s or even 40s, as long as you are still in shape and take care of yourself and have gainful employment, you'll be able to date women all the way down into their mid 20s that still have youthful vigor and are still horny. Giving serious thought to being with a premenopausal woman is a no-win scenario. You are at your prime market value and will hold on to your market value for at least another 10-15 years assuming assuming you don't let yourself go to pot. She is falling off the cliff on her market value. You are going to have way too many options to be able to hold yourself back. You may be digging her and thinking you have a future together now, but once she hits menopause and wants nothing to do with you in bed except maybe kill you in your sleep if you pi$$ed her off during the day and then some young cutie that still has a sex drive starts cuddling up to you, you won't be able to resist. You won't even want to resist. Your own body won't let you resist. If you two get invested in each other, it can only lead to pain, drama and complication when the inevitable break up will occur. Do yourself the favor now and just don't go there. Keep it casual. Stay on the market and don't limit your options. Don't go exclusive and don't make it a serious R. It's ok to go on Sat night dates and ok to do booty calls, but don't enter in to something that can't be maintained.
hippychick3 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Same here. I'm 40, but I attract men in their 20s and am attracted to them. I couldn't even imagine dating a man even a few years older than me. It would feel like dating my dad! I'm not fussed about not having kids, although my aunt accidentally got pregnant when she was 46, no IVF. She has a healthy 27 year old son. So who knows, there may be still time for me??? Yes, there is still hope for you if that is what you want! I know quite a few women who have had babies after 40. I physically can still get pregnant but had a tubal ligation...a reversal is not something I am interested in doing. I, too, am mostly attracted to men younger than me. However, when I met my bf I initially wasn't interested because 9 years younger to me was too much. But, he pursued heavily and showed me that the age difference really wasn't too much. I just feel like I'm his age now. 2
truthtripper Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 She is falling off the cliff on her market value. . .....maybe I just will invest in one of those Japanese robots.....
truthtripper Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Yes, there is still hope for you if that is what you want! I know quite a few women who have had babies after 40. I physically can still get pregnant but had a tubal ligation...a reversal is not something I am interested in doing. I, too, am mostly attracted to men younger than me. However, when I met my bf I initially wasn't interested because 9 years younger to me was too much. But, he pursued heavily and showed me that the age difference really wasn't too much. I just feel like I'm his age now. Yeh, I wouldn't pursue a younger man if he showed no interest in me. It has to be mutual. 1
RedRobin Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 FWIW, my mom and dad are 70 and still have more sex than most people on LS. Probably because they exercise regularly and eat well. None of them have serious health complications. Most of my family is super healthy and live an active life well into their 90's. I expect I will as well, since I'm even more fit than they are. I see a lot of men falling off the cliff, listening to popular culture that they don't have to do anything... and generally aging badly... As for menopause... its an excuse for some women to stop having sex with mates who treat them like shyte. Just like porn and his advancing age are excuses for men to not have sex or take care of erectile issues. In a healthy relationship, a woman who is in love with you will want to f*ck you and be intimate. If you treat her like shyte, she won't. 4
Heatherknows Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 When I'm in my mid-forties, she'll be in her early sixties! I also wouldn't mind being married and having my own kids someday. I would like to continue seeing her for the time being, having fun, and developing a connection, but I'm wondering how to tell her these things and also how to manage boundaries over time. I can tell she's really starting to like me, and I like her too, but I just don't want to disappoint over time. Any advice is appreciated. This relationship isn't going to end well but should end ASAP.
Heatherknows Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 And as a man in your 30s or even 40s, as long as you are still in shape and take care of yourself and have gainful employment, you'll be able to date women all the way down into their mid 20s that still have youthful vigor and are still horny. Giving serious thought to being with a premenopausal woman is a no-win scenario. You are at your prime market value and will hold on to your market value for at least another 10-15 years assuming assuming you don't let yourself go to pot. She is falling off the cliff on her market value. Yep. This qualifies as the most repulsive post of the day. I hear crusty stuff like this on these online relationship forums, but in real life, it's different. 10
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